WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!....(ahem)...The British Government

As I was saying, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

I've known that Britain was a big surveillance state, but this crosses the fucking line.

I urge you to read the link and look into it more, but if you're too lazy to even do that, here's a paragraph that sums it up:

According to the report, the government will use the cameras to make sure the kids are doing their homework and going to bed on time. They will engage in 'behavioural contracts' with the parents and ensure certain duties are met.

IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?! Hold on...calendar check.

Nope, it really is August, not April. I can't believe I'm reading this! Do I need to fucking say it again? Government, politicians, dipshits:

STAY....(are you with me?)...OUT....(still there?)... OF PEOPLES' FUCKING LIVES!

I'm really get fed up with all these governments that feel the need to intervene into and have complete control over every aspect of everyone's life. The government does not own us (them) and they have no right to do this. It's downright sickening. What kind of evil, drivel-brained assdicks dreamed up this idea in the first place? I'd surely love to pound their fucking skulls in with a baseball bat until their brains are all over the sidewalk. Maybe if I can speak directly to their splattered grey matter instead of trying to get through their thick-ass heads, they'll GET A GOD DAMN CLUE.*

But wait a second. If I have nothing to hide, why should I be worrying?

Can you stop with this absolute bullshit question? Every fucking time a privacy issue is raised I hear this. Fine. If you're that fucking dense, be my guest. Give up every last right you currently have. Please forward me your banking information, your complete internet history, which puppet candidate you voted for in the last election, and several nude photographs of yourself from all angles.

Don't you see? Everyone has something to hide. But oh, I'm just a random guy. Not government officials who are doing things in your best interest. Why would you disclose anything to me? The government(s) are corrupt. They don't give a fuck about you. They do give a fuck about having complete control over you however. We need to stop giving up our rights left, right, and centre.

Nobody needs these corrupt, greedy, power-hungry, shit-for-brains, dickweed cocksuckers making sure they're raising their children to set guidelines. Again, the government does not own you or your family. The fact that I even have to rant about this happening is abhorrent.

Oh and...(insert obligatory Nineteen Eighty-Four reference or comparison).


*I don't condone or support physical violence. Just trying to get my point across. Uh...I hope you're all writing those stern letters...

DVD Slip Cases

They're irritating. What is the point? The DVD is in a hard case, it's got sticky anti-theft stuff around the edges, and it's wrapped in plastic. Why is there a need for these cardboard cases?

The only thing that happens is I take the DVD case out and then throw the slip case into a corner somewhere because I don't have the heart to throw it away. I feel like it's part of the DVD. It's like throwing out a book after reading it. Sure, I've already read it, but it doesn't seem appropriate to just throw it away. So I keep it.

I mean, with all the talk about saving the environment, how about we not bullshit carbon tax people and maybe think about cutting out all of this extraneous packaging that's everywhere, not just on DVDs. It's fucking useless. I buy a pair of headphones and by the time I've got them out my garbage can is overflowing. All of it adds up. Just gimme the headphones and cut out the bullshit shell casing and paper and cardboard and twist ties. Fuck.

Like, you're taking a DVD with a picture on the cover and putting it inside a piece of cardboard with the exact same picture on it. It's completely pointless. A bunch of decoration isn't going to make the movie more enjoyable. Cut the crap already.

Me

You fucking moron! Why the fuck did you think it was a good idea to drink somewhere between 19 and 23 beers?! I mean, I know that's totally like the most you've ever drank in your life by far and whatnot, but what the fuck?!

Why the fuck would you lie down on the bedroom floor "to rest for a sec" knowing full well you wouldn't be coming back up? Remember how you woke up in bed this morning with the radio still on thinking "What happened...?" Remember how you spent 10 minutes blindly searching your room for your lost glasses? That means you're a fucking idiot and you overdid it. Fuck you!

Here's a tip: when you puke, you're done. That doesn't mean your body is freeing up space for 7 more beers.

Sure, it was your night off work and all that, but for God's sake, use a little discretion, man! You're better than that.


*Sorry, folks. Consider this last night's update. More to come later on today!*

Assholes on Their Cell Phones at the Checkout Counter

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, IDIOT! MOVE IT! YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCK!

I see this from time to time and it truly does piss me off. I saw one today as a matter of fact. These morons chatting on their cell phones while waiting in line and continuing to do so while paying. How fucking impolite can you be?

These self-absorbed fucks don't even have the common decency to pull themselves away from their MEANINGLESS FUCKING CONVERSATIONS to greet the cashier and get out of there in a timely fashion like an NORMAL FUCKING PERSON! Gaaaah!

Let me clue you into something that apparently you're unaware of. The cashier you're completely ignoring....he's a person. Not a change machine. He has feelings too and he probably doesn't appreciate you treating him like a lesser person so you can continue to gab to your fat girlfriends about the pedicure you just got.

Perhaps you haven't been well versed in how these situations work. Let me help you out.

Step 1 - Grow a clue. (quite possibly the most important step)
Step 2 - Tell whoever you're yakking to that you choose to develop of reputation of "not a complete asshole" and you'll have to put the phone down for 20 seconds.
Step 3 - Smile.
Step 4 - Greet cashier.
Step 5 - Pay.
Step 6 - Move the fuck out of the way so others can pay.

It's that simple. Surely you're able to get a grasp on that. If you can't, I'm stunned that you have the mental capacity to buy a shitty cell phone in the first place.

For fuck's sake, stop being so self-centred, stop being so loud and obnoxious and nasally, and put down the phone for 20 god damned seconds. Thank you.

Hubert

Does anyone actually read this anymore? It'd be kind of depressing to learn that I'm wasting my time (nearly) night after night...

Anyhoo, am I the only one who finds this guy really creepy? Grown men should not be behaving like this. He seems to

a) Have some sort of mental illness. I feel like if I approached him he'd get hostile and firmly tell me, "Don't bother me now! I'm hunting for birds!" and then quickly scamper off to "bathe himself" in true feline fashion. Thank God they didn't show that.

b) Be mentally sound, but just one of those guys you meet who's super weird. "I just like cats a lot," he'd tell you. I get the impression that Hubert frequently attends swingers gatherings and gets off on really fucked up shit. Like he'd ask you to handcuff him and tease his nipples with a feather while punching him in the balls "because it's hot." He'd probably incorporate the whole cat act into it too. Fucking strange, I tell you.

The last few seconds, I must say, are profoundly disturbing. It seems to go way beyond a "cat" enjoying a scratch and comes across as being highly sexual. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is entirely inappropriate for a cat food commercial. Sexual deviants have never made me incredibly motivated to go out and buy some pet chow.

The truly sad part is that...it's Wink Yahoo! From Uh-Oh! I'm serious, go back and watch it again! A bit of research told me 'tis true. Oh, Wink, Wink, Wink. What have you become? You used to be such a cool guy. Now you're just...really god-damned weird.

If I dressed up like the Punisher would you return to your old ways...or would you just take off your pants and tell me you've been a naughty boy and need to be punished?

Magic Mushrooms

Shrooms are bad. Very bad. You should not eat them. Please. Do not eat them.

Why?

Because magic mushrooms are drugs. And drugs are bad. They have no positive qualities. The government has done extensive testing on this. They, as a collective few people, have actually determined what is good for every single person in this country and what isn't. I'm still getting over the shock myself. I find it truly stunning that my country's government knows more about how I will react to a substance I haven't even ingested than I do.

Jeez, these guys seem really smart. I should listen to them. After all, they are my elected officials. They know more than me and they know what's good for me. I don't know how, but they do. Don't question it, just accept. Doing otherwise makes you a terrorist. You don't want to be a terrorist, do you?

People who do shrooms are bad. Scum. They are equivalent to homeless crack addicts. If they happen to share their so called "revelations" with you, pay no attention. It's because they're on drugs. If they refute, don't worry. They're on drugs. Anything they tell you about is their delusional recollection of things that they imagined which do not exist.

We are not one. We have enemies. Iraqis! Apparently they're the "bad" trend for this season. They are not like us. We must destroy them. They do not have families or fascist governments or thought processes like us. They are evil. Higher people have told me so.

Enough about the government. Shrooms. Damn you, shrooms. Damn you for growing naturally on this planet, first of all. You're a fucking huge inconveniece to law makers who somehow have the authority to make certain things that aren't even man-made illegal. How dare you?

Damn you for instilling an overwhelming feeling of love into countless people. Love. I repeat, LOVE. Undoubtedly the most dangerous emotion of all. Didn't Hitler invent love? Positive emotions certainly aren't tolerated by our leaders (who know everything, once again) and must be stopped.

Damn you for showing people there is more to the world than American Idol, jobs, money, taxes, laws, and miracle diets. The absolute nerve you have, shrooms, of letting us know that our physical bodies are here for 75, 80 years, but consciousness is for eternity. The fucking audacity you have to show us that the petty bullshit we deal with day in and day out DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

Hold on, hold on. My prime minister, my leader, his minions? They don't matter in the long run? The things they tell me to do and what not to do...they're completely irrelevant? Their power is all a huge fucking illusion? We are all the same consciousness experiencing itself as billions of separate entities as we speak and there is no need for greed, corruption, slander, racism, violence, and warfare?

Shrooms? You're making people severely second guess the integrity of power-hungry assholes the people who know best for the country?

Well, I'm certainly glad you're illegal. You have no business in this society. You unquestionably destroy every life you enter and....I don't know....you're incredibly addictive and you make people want to rape their fathers. That work for you? Father rapers!




...And you taste bad. If you're going to open and expand minds, isn't a watermelon aftertaste the least you can do? Seriously.

Life's Little (cough, bullshit) Instructions (and Lists Like It)

Mr. Snell, I appreciate that you lived to be at least 95 years old and that you wanted to leave people with some positive words, but I do believe you're full of shit and I must debunk and destroy your list piece by piece. There are too many of these hokey inspirational lists floating around the internet. If you take 10 seconds out to actually think about the things these lists advocate, you'll see that they're completely fucking meaningless. And I'm here to prove that. So strap in.

Sing in the shower.
Please don't. Most people are fucking rubbish. The last thing I need is a bunch of shitty singers pissing me off.

Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Tried it. Doesn't work. People walk all over me every damn day.

Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Done it. The hangover's fucking brutal the next day, I'll tell you.

Never refuse homemade brownies.
This is arguably the best advice ever or the worst, depending on the situation. If you're visiting the frat kids that enjoy a classic prank, bad idea. If you're at Tommy Chong's house...

Strive for excellence, not perfection.
How about I work on getting the job done without you berating my work and calling me a fuckup? Then we can focus on the above-average striving.

Plant a tree on your birthday.
Are you high? What does this possibly accomplish? This sounds like some asshole with his finger up his nose decided that the idea sounded symbolic of something but couldn't figure out what so he put it off until later and just never got around to it. What a load of crap.

Learn three clean jokes.
What for? To keep kids at a birthday party entertained for 22 seconds?

Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
This should be common sense and common courtesy. If you need a list to suggest this to you, you're probably a dick.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Yeah. That's all I need is a bunch of people suspecting I'm on ecstasy. For God's sake, as good as it looks in writing, telling everyone you love them is a bad idea.

Leave everything better than you found it.
How in the fuck is anyone supposed to do that?! Does Mr. Snell think everyone is unemployed and has all day to waste their time trying to do this impossible task? Let's say I'm walking through the forest with this mantra in my head. I accidentally trample some flowers. Shit! So to leave it better than I found it, I go find some better flowers from another part of the woods, bring them back, and plant them where the trampled flowers were. But oh shit again! Now I have to find some even better flowers to replace the flowers that a replaced the trampled flowers with! And pretty soon I'm spending my whole day rearranging the whole forest. This is just one of the many scenarios that happen in the course of a day. I don't have the time to spend leaving everything better than I found it. It can't be done.

Keep it simple.
Yes you have. Do you mind being more specific? Keep what simple?

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Is this...is this code for masturbation? You dirty old man!

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
I'm not off to a good start, am I?

Be forgiving on yourself and others.
Damn it, if he had just added "...my son" at the end, I would've thought Jesus himself wrote this list!

Say "thank you" a lot.
The little Asian man at the convenience store on my drive home from work thanks me when I ask him how he is, when I give him my debit card, when he RETURNS my debit card, when I put down the debit machine, when I say goodbye, and when I leave the store. The amount of gratitude he has is actually a little uncomfortable. Bad idea.

Say "please" a lot.
What kind of reputation are you going to have if you ask people permission for everything? A nobody, that's who. Have some backbone and take charge, son!

Avoid negative people.
If you're actually still reading at this point in the list, yeah, you're the type of person who should avoid me. You'd just be doing us both a favour.

Wear polished shoes.
Fucking asshole! My Vans are now fucking ruined because of your shitty advice! You owe me!

Remember other peoples' birthdays.
Dale Greenwood of Mobile, Montana- June 9
Chang Xiopang of Fu Hai, China- February 18
Hans Birdenbich of Kolderwein, Germany- July 22

Oh, people I know? Be specific. Dumb people like me might be wasting their time.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Kind of like Jocelyn Wildenstein? Doesn't always work. Sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are.

Have a firm handshake.
I'll do it just because it's one of the easiest things on the list, but I don't get how it'll improve my life.

Send lots of valentine cards, sign them.
I did. My girlfriend found out, called me a two-timing pig, and dumped me. I did, however get laid 5 1/2 times that Valentine's Day and not with the same girl twice.

On second thought, this one's not so bad.

Look people in the eye.
Again, too damn vague. Do this in moderation. When you're constantly looking at someone with saucer eyes, they think you're up to something.

Be the first to say hello.
Not in prison. A smile, a wave, and a big hello to everyone there means your ass is grass in less than an hour.

Return all things you borrow.
What if I borrow your cat while you go on vacation for 2 months and it dies an hour after your flight leaves? Do you still want it back when you return in 8 weeks? Because I don't mind saving it for you.

Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. More advice about something people pretty much do naturally.

Keep secrets.
Except from the IRS. They HATE that.

Plant flowers every spring.
I ran out of soil after all that meaningless birthday tree planting. Can't do it, sorry.

Have a dog.
Being a human male, I think that's virtually impossible. And I think bestiality is illegal anyway. I'll just adopt instead.

Always accept an outstretched hand.
Even if I'm fully aware that I'm about to get stinkpalmed? Or what if it's all nasty and only has two fingers on it? What if zombies are chasing me? Should I go with them? What if it's Edward Scissorhands? Does that technically count as a hand?

Stop blaming others.
Why would you presume that I already do this? And even if I did blame others, what if they actually did it? Do you expect me to confess to shit I didn't even do and go to jail over three words on a bullshit list? Get real.

Take responsibility over everything in your life.
Take that, religion! No more of this "It's God's will" crap. Free will is not questionable according to Mr. Snell. Time to step up to the plate!

Wave at kids on school buses.
In this day and age? I think not. Maybe in 1950 that was acceptable, sir. But today being kind to children automatically makes you a pedophile, you're a lost cause, straight to the slammer with no trial, mandatory minimum sentence: life. Do not show any compassion for children, you twisted fuck.

Be there when people need you.
Hook me up with a beeper and a cell phone. Call me anytime. ANY time. Everyone I know has my contact info and I will gladly leave my wife as she's giving birth to come help you open that pickle jar. You need me, I'm there. I'm your friend and assistant on call 24/7.

Don't expect life to be fair.
Shouldn't this be the actual disclaimer at the top of the list? "If you choose to follow this advice..."

Never underestimate the power of love.
Oh, I don't. Huey Lewis and the News can write a solid tune, no doubt. And it was used so well in Back the the Future!

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
I did. Just this morning actually. 8 glasses with my morning toast. The boss was not impressed. My behaviour according to him was "unruly and completely inappropriate for the workplace."

Live your life like an exclamation, not an explanation.
I'm happy for you. You've found two big words that rhyme. Now would you mind taking a short break from this rule to explain to me exactly what the fuck it means?

Don't be afraid to say "I made a mistake."
You first. Apologize for this damn list, Snell!

Don't be afraid to say "I don't know."
See previous point.

Compliment even small improvements.
But don't be afraid to tell them they've still got a hell of a long way to go.

Keep your promises no matter what.
What if I die? Surely there are extenuating circumstances. Can you cut me some slack? I honestly didn't mean to die. It just kind of happened.

Marry only for love.
Take that, Indians! Once again, here comes Big Snell stomping all over customs different from his own! Arranged marriage has no place on this list and therefore no place in the world.

Rekindle old friendships.
Didn't you tell me to "Make new friends but cherish old ones"? If I was doing that, I wouldn't have to rekindle shit.

Count your blessings.
Done. 247. What did you get? Did I win? I won, right?

Call your mother.
MOM!

...Nope. No answer. She doesn't love me.

And your dad too, if they happen to be alive.
I'm not calling my dad! He's a hardass and he's busy at work. If I did he would leave early to come home and bludgeon me with a lamp for wasting money on phone calls. My dad's one of those people who you just don't exchange "I love you"s with. We both know the other loves us, but we would never ever ever say it. Things would get uh-gly.


Well, there you go. The list doesn't have that warm fuzzy feeling any more, does it? Kind of seems like a load of crap? Hopefully. Do not pay any attention to these feel-good things floating around on the internet, folks. They'll destroy your fucking life.

Corporations Trying to Sell Me "Happiness"

I'm no stranger to basic marketing techniques. I'm no expert, but I'm no stranger either. I know that when I watch TV commercials I'm not simply being shown a 30 second video of a person with a product. I know that every minor detail is fine tuned to appeal to my subconscious desires. But I still watch the occasional hour of TV anyway and just keep mental notes of companies that are evil (nearly all of them) so I can avoid buying their products.

Today some poor ad placement made one of these marketing techniques stand out a lot more than it should have. Instead of just watching the commercials knowing that my subconscious was being attacked with suggestions but not quite knowing what they were, I found myself going, "AHA! I'm on to you, Corporate America!"

See, the first ad I saw was the French's ad above. 40% more happy in each bottle? Who the hell is on the marketing team at French's? The 8 year-old narrator's schoolyard chums? God, I beg that it's true because if I owned French's I'd be a little concerned over the fact that my adult marketing people couldn't even use the English language properly. The term you're looking for is "happiness". But I digress.

The ad immediately following it was a Coca Cola ad ended with:

Perfect. I mean, at first I was worried. I was beginning to get frustrated when I kept running out of happy without warning using the old French's mustard. And then I saw that they were adding 40% more happy. THANK GOD!!! No more tear-filled nights in the bathroom with the razor blades because I've run out of mustard! It's like, when I reach the point where I'd normally be hacking away at my skin...now I have more happy to get me through!

But then I thought...what if I forget about that 40% more and use the whole bottle of mustard like it only has 100% happy?! Great Scott, no! I'd be a wreck! But then, a light from heaven. Coca Cola: Open Happiness.

NO WAY! Another product, a SECOND product that delivers happiness?! I'm saved! When it's 2:30am, the grocery store is closed, and my "40% more happy" French's mustard is farting, all I need to do is run down to the corner store for a Coke to squash those suicidal thoughts! I can't believe it! Out of the millions of products in this world, TWO of them actually deliver happiness! What an age we live in...

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I want to let French's and Coke know...you're not being subliminal enough. People aren't supposed to catch on to your marketing trickery. They're supposed to watch your ads and promptly march like zombies to the store to buy your product with the thought that they need it, but not sure why.

Unless the media's dumbed people down so much that corporations don't even need to be slick anymore. "Buy it, sucker, it makes you feel good and yada yada yada." That'll soon be the type of slogan every commercial ends with and people will still eat that shit up.

All I ask is that you subject me to your mind control without my knowledge or consent like any good corporation or government agency would do. Stop blatantly advertising the emotions your products undoubtedly evoke. When you do that, it hints to me that you think I'm dumb enough that you can just skip the psychological toying around and cut right to the chase and it's actually a little insulting.

Please just meddle with my mind! I don't care if I end up with a house full of crap I don't need. At least I'll feel smart.

Deer God, Bambi's Dead!!!

Whyyyyy?!?! God whyyyyy?!?! You killed him, you asshole! Bambi's dead!

Today as I was driving along there was a car a little distance up in front of me. I could call it a night right now and just by those few sentences you'd know what happened. But where's the fun in that?

I saw a deer dart out in front of said car. It made it across. "Cool," I thought as my eyes wandered. Then as they focused back on the road I saw an animal on the road in the oncoming lane. As I passed...(gulp)...I...(sniffle)...

(choke)BAMBI!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD!!!

The innocent, bright-eyed Disney faun lay on the pavement writhing. The car that hit it was stopped a short distance up undamaged. And I just kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I should point out that it was noon and I'd been playing Dora the Explorer drinking games all morning. I was not in a good frame of mind as I opened by truck door, beer cans spilling out. I ran over to Bambi crying as cars swerved around me honking. I knelt down beside him and his glassy eye stared blankly into the sky. I slid the neck of a Jose Cuervo bottle into it's mouth and tilted it back.

"It'll be OK, little one," I sobbed, "it'll be OK."

I took a swig of Bambi's tequila and wrapped my arms around his neck. Between tears I choked out, "Looove is a song that never ends..." The police showed up soon after and questioned me about my public intoxication and my lack of pants. However, they saw that I was emotionally distressed and let me off with a warning.

Now here I sit sober as a goose (if you've never heard that expression it's because I just made it up now). I'm still traumatized. Next thing you know Aladdin's going to be stabbed to death by Abu. Mowgli's going to be kidnapped and forced into an illegal sex trade. Fantasia's acid will finally wear off after 70 years!

When will the madness end?! The humanity!!!

Those Damned Bees That Hover Around You!

Please, bee, please! Go the fuck away! I don't have anything for you! These aren't the droids you're looking for! Fuck off!

These bees have to be near the top of my "Raw Hatred" list that I have saved on my computer. Every so often I'll print out a copy and torch it or throw darts at it or grenade it just to blow off steam. No matter how many times I destroy it, nothing on the list seems to go away. Especially hovering bees.

All they do is dart around you like you're a flower or something. The won't get out of my face and when they get near the crotch that's when I start sweating. One wrong move and I'll have a cock the size of my forearm. Which, on second thought, might not be all that bad.

I'd love to know what the bee is thinking as it's being such an asshole. It has to be one of two things:

1) "Dum de dum de dooooo....doo doo dee dee dooooo....dee dee dum de dooo..."
2) (snicker, snicker, snicker) "You're pissed off, aren't ya? I'm just gonna go ahead and keep buzzing around your face for a few more minutes as you go batshit crazy. (snicker, snicker) Damn, it's good to be a bee. I could do this all day and there's nothing you can do about it. Swing at me, pussy, just try it. I'll getcha! (snicker, snicker) Naaah, I'll leave you alone for now. I'm outs to pick up some fine-ass bee bitches, son! Peace!"

Even though it's most likely #1, deep down I wish it would be #2. Just because it would be awesome if bees were actually badass like that and had bee bitches. I'll bet bee bitches are super easy and suck a mean stinger.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah...fuck off, bees!

Sean Jones and Saul Korman

I realize I've been lacking in the updates lately so it's another double shot day! My second piece about fat people is below this one.

Anyway, I felt the need to write about the two most annoying commercial voices we continuously got making appearances in Toronto. Somebody needs to get these people off the radio. Like immediately.

Sean Jones

If you don't know this guy by name, he's the annoying Spence Diamonds guy. The first thing he needs to do is take the enthusiasm knob that he's got cranked to 11 and dial it back a few points. I've heard his commercials. I get it. He's got jewellry at good prices. Stop reading ever sentence like it's the most mind-blowing news ever. Until Sean Jones came along I didn't believe overarticulation was a problem on radio.

And what's with the random sound effects? It's like he realized that his voice alone probably wasn't going to get his full potential clientele into his store but he was completely out of creative energy. "Fuck...I don't know...(whewwwww)...let's just, for no particular reason, add in sound effects that only children and morons would find funny."

I swear if I hear "WAAAOOOWW!!" one more time I'm going to start ramming other vehicles on the road. There has never been a more out of place sound effect in any other commercial ever. It's a damn jewellry store, not a Bud Light commercial. Even in a beer commercial that sound effect would be puke-inducing. Get the fuck off my radio.

Saul Korman

To illustrate my point with the man from Korry's Clothiers, I thoughtit would be appropriate to write a Korry's ad in mad lib form:

"Saaauul Korman here for Korry's Clothiers, 569 Danforth. Let me tell you we've got _________(adjective) suits from _______(plug), _______(plug), and ________(plug). And I know this because last week ____________________________________________ (boring story about his partners in the biz). And also, _________________(plug). So when you come to Korry's don't forget to check out _______________(plug). And I almost forgot, _____________(plug). Just wanted to say, ______________(irrelevant crap that applies to only to three people who probably aren't even fucking listening anyway). And before I go I need to mention __________(plug). Korry's, in the ______(body part) of Greektown, at 569 Danforth."


Saul Korman seems like a guy who has too much money and his guilty pleasure is to spend it on meaningless crap just for kicks. His commercials make me imagine a guy sitting around a big table with all of his business associates drinking scotches. It's been a good night, Saul's getting a littly jolly, and he tells everyone to shut up for s second and listen.

"As you all know, I've got a great deal of money. I've been running over this idea in my head for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to buy airtime on the radio. I'll say some stuff, but mostly I'M GOING TO MENTION ALL OF YOU GUYS!! IN EVERY FUCKING DAILY AD! NO WAY, I KNOW!

Ahem...now obviously I want to get word out about my store and all that crap....but mainly....I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR NAMES! ON THE RADIO! WE CAN ALL LISTEN AND REACT ACCORDINGLY WHEN WE HEAR THEM!

Ahem....now obviously we don't want normal listeners to think we're just a bunch of jerks with egos so we'll say some good crap about the store...I guess...but OH MAN! HOW WICKED WOULD IT BE IF I JUST PLUGGED YOUR GUYS' SHIT?! THIS IS FOR US, FELLAS! WE ARE ALL SUCH GREAT FRIENDS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY! I SHALL BUY A ROLLER COASTER!"

On the bright side, at least he's not so much of an asshole that he refers to himself as "Korry" in his spots. Either way, get the fuck off my radio.

Fat People Exiting Large Vehicles

Why do fat people continue to buy vehicles that they have such a hard time getting into and out of? I can tell just by their actions that they're putting themslves under a lot of unnecessary stress. It actually is qute amusing to watch.

The door of their van flies open and a big cankle shoots out. After several seconds (apparently spent slowly shifting themselves in their seat) a second cankle appears along with a sagging belly and a chunky arm embracing several Wendy's bags and a bucket of KFC.

Then the comedy begins as this person's toes point downward trying to touch the ground and they do that "belly-out" slide down the side of the seat. It just looks like a huge mass of flab spilling out of the vehicle. And the best is when they get their foot caught on the running board and fall out face first, spilling chicken all over the pavement.

Really, why buy a vehicle that's a hassle even while parked? Do fat people think the daily struggle of getting into and out of their vehicles counts as exercise? Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if did, given the amount of perspiration these people wring out of their shirts afterward.

Have you considered a Honda Civic, fatties? Not trying to be mean, just asking.

Bananas

They're fucking gross, okay?

Bananas, as far as I'm concerned, are the worst food ever. They're horrid in every possible way and they should be outlawed. First of all, they taste and smell very homosexual. If "gay" could be encapsulated into a flavour, it would taste like bananas. From that point, they're just squishy and unappealing. And under the peel lies an off-white speckled turd of a "food". Sorry if I'm not enticed by fruit with the same general appearance and consistency as a huge shit.

Bananas are pure evil and as much as they try to warn us, we (and I mean you) keep eating them. They do, they warn us. You want me to explain that, don't you. Ah...well, I can't turn back now.

First, as I've already mentioned, they're very turd-like. It's supposed to be human nature to have no desire to eat feces. Why is that not the case with something that is very close to feces? I don't know, but the banana tried to warn you and you ignored it, you prick.

Second, they're yellow. What's so wrong with yellow? It's a nice sunny, cheerful colour, isn't it? NO! No it absolutely is not! Yellow is the colour of all things bad. Traffic lights have their yellow WARNING light, referees have their yellow CAUTION card, mosquitos carry their yellow fever, the music industry has Coldplay. If you're dumb enough to ignore the banana's blatant WARNING! colour, well, you deserve the consequences that may arise.

And if all of that isn't enough, perhaps numerology shall show us the way once again. Let's rap:

- Banana starts with B, a hidden 13 (put 1 and 3 together, you get B)
- Banana has 3 "a"s, A being the first letter of the alphabet (1), 1+3, another hidden 13
- Banana has 6 letters. The number of "a"s multiplied by the number of "n"s gives us another 6. When I eat bananas I get sicks. Another 6. Three 6s? 666? It's all too clear, isn't it?
- Banana has 6 letters, the same number of points as the Jewish Star of David. It would take a moron not to see the tie-ins with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the evil plans for world domination. An absolute moron.
- Banana's only letter that isn't repeated is the letter B, the second letter of the alphabet. 2, connected with the Roman goddess of deception, Aphinia, who often mislead others for her own gain with her split personality.

I mean, I could go on all night here. But I think you get my point. If you want to eat Satan's shit, be my guest, but you can't say I didn't advise against it and with damn good proof, if I do say so myself. If you choose not to heed it, I can only say good luck and be safe.


Oh. And slipping on the peels. That's bad too.

*Special thanks to the Spaceman for a little inspiration in this one.

Anti-Smoking

That's my smokers' rights prediction for 10 years from now. Am I the only one who finds it absolutely absurd what they're doing to smokers? We've become such a pussy society. We've gone from advertising cigarettes on the Flintstones, of all places, and promoting the sale of candy cigarettes for kids to sticking people into a small box marked off on the pavement and people bitching incessantly when the tiniest wisp of smoke crosses in front of them.

Now you can't smoke in the car with kids, anywhere near a building exit, in parks, on beaches, in bars, on patios, in your own apartment (in some places), and now they're trying to ban American troops from smoking. I mean, isn't my prediction pretty realistic when you think about it. If these "smoke free" people get their way, you won't even be able to drive that 6 hours into the desert for a smoke because some sand beetle might get a whiff of second-hand smoke.

Anyway, this post was mainly supposed to be about this plan to get the troops smoke-free. Here is what I think: get bent. The audacity of these Pentagon pricks. Are they completely insane?

"I've got an idea. Let's manufacture a war and then send a whole shitload of troops over to die in it for no good reason. Let's give these faceless peons guns and shove them into a scenario that comes with a whole array of physical and psychological traumas. Let's really push them to the edge and test their stamina. And then just to fuck with them, let's take away the one thing that keeps them sane at the end of the day. Bloody brilliant! And to think, this probably wouldn't even have occurred to us if we weren't so insecure about our incredibly tiny penises!"

Fucking let the troops smoke, man! It makes no sense! What are you worried about here? The health of soldiers? Moron, their in a fucking war. With bullets and bombs and shit. A few cigarettes ain't going to do much harm in comparison. The cost to the country? Sit down, I've got a stunning idea for you to consider. Lend an ear and listen closely: if you're concerned about war costs.....END THE DAMN WAR! Kind of becomes a non-issue, doesn't it? The war is pointless, just end it. I've had enough of the lies.

Bottom line, though, man up. Quit making smokers feel like bad people because you think a breath of second-hand will kill you instantly. The rules are too strict as they are. They don't need to be any worse. So either man up or stop wearing that disgusting cologne shit around the office every day.

Hannah Montana

I was doing some research for another topic that quite honestly would have led to a very weak update. I've been fucking busy and flat out brain-drained for the past couple of days and it was getting down to the zero hour for tonight. Thankfully good ol' Hannah Montana swooped in and saved the day with her mediocrity.

See, I was trying to find Nickelback's Rock Star video and saw that Montana also has a song called Rock Star. And when a Disney artist sings about rock stars, red flags go up for me. I listened to it, and as I suspected, both Nickelback and Hannah Montana are in dangerous territory.

Nickelback can be forgiven because their whole song is about wanting to be a rock star. To me it's the first sensible thing they've done in their careers. I have issues with their awful fucking music and forced badboy image, but damn it, I respect them for being totally honest and admitting that they don't deserve to be seated at the "rock stars' table".

Hannah? She's even less of a rock star than the blokes in Nickelback and she's proclaiming that she is indeed, without question, a rock star! No, no, and no! 16-year old Disney-approved artists don't get to be rock stars unfortunately. Check in later when you're a little less clean-cut and have kicked a 7-year heroin habit that nearly killed you on several occasions. Get back to me when you can make me actually believe you're passionate about what you do instead of giving a me a bullshit fake wink and smile as you rattle off shitty lyrics about high school.

This is why I respect the hell out of Amy Winehouse even though everyone else apparently hates her. She's got a great voice and is dangerously close to kicking the bucket because of drugs. Voila. Winehouse, to me, is one of the few artists today keeping the spirit alive (the spirit being Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll). If she died tomorrow I wouldn't be one of those morons saying things like, "Gosh, that's so sad. Why'd a nice girl like that have to lose it all because of drugs?" I'd say, "Damn straight, Winehouse, you worked hard, you played hard, and you stuck it to the Man. I couldn't ask for anything more. Enjoy the flight to hell (because all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, of course)."

Anyway, I'm getting bored with this and I'm not telling you anything that Bill Hicks hasn't already said. Point is, Disney stars do not equal rock stars. Quite the opposite.

Screw it, I'll just post this, which tells it 1000X better than I have and promise you something much better for tomorrow.

"Live Every Day Like It's Your Last!"

What kind of a stupid bullshit motivational phrase is this? This is something clueless morons say to themselves to feel good about life, but clearly they put no thought into it at all.

If I lived even two days like they were my last I'd either be dead or I'd need a long-ass visit to Slumberland. In all likelihood, I'd be dead. Probably from a drug overdose or a police sniper's bullet. Depends how I schedule my activities.

But no matter. That's just me. That's just one guy. The scary thing is, there are people spouting off "Live every day like it's your last!" to several people. They think this is advice ALL people should follow. The world I do not want to live in is the one where everyone is living their day like it's their last. Life as we know it would cease to exist before lunchtime.

Murder would skyrocket. If one were to assume they wouldn't be around in 24 hours, it's quite possibly they'd pick up a gun or a knife and hunt down their ex, their boss, and who knows, maybe even those assholes at Mr. Lube who ripped me off. How will we have time to worry about the economy when everyone's dead?

The highways will be fucked. Everyone will steal cars and drive down highways at very high rates of speed. People will be run over without remorse. There will be car crashes every 5 feet. The freeway will be engulfed in fire and explosions. Take public transit that day.

Millions of people will take LSD, think they can fly, and jump off buildings. Not necessarily because they actually believe they can fly, just because they'd think it's fun to go out in the cliche way. As for other drugs, they'd be smoked, swallowed, snorted, and injected so quickly, you wouldn't be able to find anything anywhere. Of course, the delusional U.S. government would quickly hold a press conference proudly annoucing "We've finally won the War on Drugs!", taking full credit and telling reporters, "No one believed us, but we always KNEW it was working!"

Rape would increase. I'd elaborate, but rape isn't funny, I'm told.

Now, bear in mind this is the stuff that would happen if world leaders didn't exist. This is what would happen if people actually had the time to do this stuff. With world leaders, they absolutely wouldn't. Every country that had 'em would say "Fuck it" and promptly deploy their nukes. The sky would be filled with missles, bombs, bullets, arrows....guys launched from catapults, I don't know. The point is, the world would turn into a giant ball of fire and radiation and dead shit.

So the next time someone tells you to live every day like it's your last, tell them to go fuck themselves and then quietly finish your Twinkie. No planet ever got annihilated by twin-wrapped cakes.

Please Donate to the Canadian Hearing Society Today

I'm on to something here. I'm starting to figure it out. It's all becoming clear.

For years I assumed the people blaring shitty music from their vehicles were just assholes. I thought that they were brain dead gangstas who were so insecure about themselves that they chose to play their music loud enough that everyone within a two mile radius would hear it in hopes that one or two people would perk up, march over and ask if they could be peeps 4 lyfe.

My God, I feel simply terrible. How could I have been so insensitive? How, I ask you?! I've recently started putting the pieces of the puzzle together and I've come across a startling discovery.

SHITTY SUBSTANCELESS MUSIC DEVOID OF ANY SOUL CAUSES GRADUAL HEARING LOSS. You heard it hear, folks. Take a moment to gather your thoughts before continuing if you need to. I'll understand. When I came to this realization I sank back in my chair and felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over me and it stayed with me for days.

All of these years I've been criticizing these poor souls. The unfortunate truth is that they're oblivious to the fact that this is even happening to them. They aren't assholes, they're victims! The nerve I had...

I encourage everyone, if you're waiting at a red light and one of these lost causes rolls up beside you playing Flo Rida so loud that the bass is making your car fall apart, don't curse him, salute him! Show him your support. He is in the Profound Stage of hearing loss and needs your love. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and you'll soon realize that this man can barely hear his own music. To you it sounds like an atomic bomb exploding but to him it must sound like the quiet murmur of a clock radio gently lulling someone into a good night's sleep.

Now, don't go kissing my hand and thanking me repeatedly for making this discovery just yet. I'm still studying this phenomenon. Working out the bugs, you know how it is. What I know so far is that it's definitely just shitty substanceless music devoid of any soul. You never see any cars driving through town blaring Lynyrd Skynyrd or Debussy. It's always hip hop and awful techno music. That's because Skynyrd and Debussy wrote with feeling and passion and their music was good. Hip Hop and awful techno music are not. When your music is good, your hearing is good and there's no need for the blare-a-thon, do you follow?

However, I'm still trying to find precisely what it is about awful music that causes hearing loss in the first place. I have a theory, but I'm going to need to work with a crack team of researchers to determine whether or not it has any merit.

It involves the old saying "Music feeds the soul." There may be some truth to it. Now, I'm no expert on souls (again, this is where the crack R&D department comes in), but could it be possible that our soul resides in our ears? It's a bit out there, I know, but bear with me. Okay, supposing our souls reside in our ears, music feeds the soul, and given the fact that hip hop, rap, and shitty techno can barely be classified as music (this is scientifically proven), would this not lead to our souls becoming malnourished? Souls in ears...malnourished...hearing loss? I'm fucking onto something here!

Tomorrow I will visit the Canadian Hearing Society and share this with them. I hope to work closely with their team to get to the bottom of this and stop the insanity. So please, please, please donate what you can. It doesn't have to be this way.

Music blarers: They're not assholes, they're victims. God bless.

Stephen Harper...Again!

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

As a rule I'm going to begin each of my Stephen Harper rants with that. Jesus Christ, I am fucking livid. Fuck you, Harper, you're ruining this country. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Leave politics forever. Never come back. You're a fucking moron and I'll say it again, YOU'RE DESTROYING THE FUCKING COUNTRY. Ugh. I wish at the very least I could type in even bigger letters.

So what is this all about? Well, Stephen Harper, our "heroic" prime minister decided to take a 10 minute break from devouring kittens to pass legislation to hand out mandatory jail sentences to people growing marijuana. "Surely," you must be saying, "surely this is for people growing several hundred plants."

WRONG! It's a mandatory six month jail sentence for people growing ONE to two hundred plants and the jail time increases going beyond that. I'll say that again. ONE...to two hundred plants. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

Now we're in a situation where some otherwise law-abiding guy or girl can go to jail and quite possibly have their life ruined for growing ONE marijuana plant for personal use. This is completely god damned FUCKING looney tunes ridiculous.

Let's think about this. As it was, if you were caught growing you were taken to a judge who could, get this, JUDGE...and maybe let you off. But no, now it's wham, bam, six months right off the bat, possibly with more time depending on the circumstances. What, are we going to start releasing violent criminals because there is not enough room in our jails to hold the people who got caught with a damn marijuana plant?

Fuck you, Harper. I'll bet your idol George Bush comes over to your house every night and you two feast on kittens and then fuck each other in the ass on top of a pile of taxpayers' money and partially burnt flags. And here I was, stupid enough to briefly believe that our country was more progressive and reasonable than our neighbours to the south. What a kick in the nuts. Just when you think we're making some headway towards gaining back some of the freedom they're yanking away from us all at an alarming rate, they bend you over and anally rape you and set the country back decades.

It absolutely blows my mind how a group of people can decide for everyone that nature is illegal. For thousands of years people used marijuana for a plethora of different things and then a couple of assholes come along in the 20th century, spread outrageous lies, and outlaw it because it's "dangerous." It ruins lives, they say. Yeah, because you're fucking throwing people in jail for using a plant! The plant is not ruining anyone's life, your fucking lies and laws are!

IMPEACH THIS FUCKING DICKWAD RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

Road Warriors Part 3: The Two Idiots With Vanity Plates

Most vanity plates are stupid. Every so often though, you'll get a comedic genius behind the wheel who has come up with something that makes you chuckle. Given the two plates I saw today on my drive in to work, the individuals behind the wheel were NOT comedic geniuses.

The first one I saw came as a red Ferrari Testarossa came up on my left side. I glanced over as most people would do upon glimpsing a rarely seen car. The first thing I thought was, "Nice car...your love muscle is on the stubby side, isn't it?" And then as it passed I saw the licence plate and it was painfully obvious that the man driving was a total dickhead.

"HOT 4RE"

Great. You've proudly indicated to the world the vehicle you're driving and your opinion of it. Where do we go from here? I've never met you, but already I can tell you're a rich asshole who is too absorbed in his mode of transportation. Tell you what, let's cut the crap and I'll shell out the cash to buy you a new plate with a little more truth and a little less self-importance attached. "TNY DCK", maybe. Or "RCHASHL", perhaps. Or maybe you could ask the woman with the second plate I saw today if you can have hers...

"IM SPCHL"

(nice segue, huh?) This woman drove up past me, again on the left, just a minute after the Ferrari passed and since she was the next car in the lane after it, I thought maybe I should get off the road quick. Evidently I was sharing the road with some not too bright people this particular afternoon and things could turn dangerous.

Yes, lady. Yes you are special. But all crazy person jokes aside, this woman was worse than the Ferrari guy as far as I was concerned. The guy only implied that he was a pompous moron. This woman blatantly advertised that she's full of herself. Why did she feel the need to go about displaying her narcissism on her car? It's not like someone was handing out free bumper stickers and she casually slapped one onto the bumper. It takes some work to get licence plates.

I picture her waking up one morning and skipping down to the MTO office singing "I love meeeee! I loooove meeeeee!" and then waiting in line for half an hour with a shit-eating grin on her face that just won't go away.

Either that or she's just a cold bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else. Sorry, lady, driving a '97 Corolla doesn't make you a goddess. Better luck next plate.

These people...I'll tell you...

Sarah Palin Running for President

I know it's not breaking news that Sarah Palin could run for prez in 2012, but since the whole governor resignation thing made it's way into the news, I've heard more talk about it than usual. I will say this: it scares the crap out of me.

Man, we (and by we, I mean "they") dodged a bullet there in November. Even being vice-president of the guy that lost was way, way too close for me. If McCain won and then died, they'd be fucked. Absolutely fucked. And then the rest of the world would be fucked.

This talk that Palin could head straight for the big-time doesn't sit too well with me. Imagine if Dubya fell off a cliff and survived, but suffered massive head trauma and spent 8 weeks in a coma. Upon awakening he'd lost half of the few brain cells he had previously. He then proceeded to submerge his nude self in a vat of LSD for exactly one year. After emerging, he was clubbed in the head repeatedly by mafia members and spent another 6 months in coma. When he woke up the nurse gave him two good slaps across the face and shoved him into the Oval Office and told him to go to work. Imagine that guy running the United States of America. Now imagine if that guy were a woman. Presto! Sarah Palin!

Don't take this the wrong way, I have nothing against female presidents, but Palin is in a league of her own. If she got into office, I'll bet you people around the globe would BEG for George W. again. Palin would turn America into one giant Mormon. America would become one big cesspool of anti-everything. Anti-sex, anti-abortion, anti-smoking, anti-atheist, anti-fucking everything.

And politics aside, if Palin, by some miracle, got elected as president, I'd be off to the caves from Day 1 to spend the following 4 years in isolation. Although I don't agree with a lot of what he's doing in office, thank God Obama is not downright annoying to watch and listen to. At least he looks good and speaks well. If I had to put up with four years of Palin's "folksy" attitude and irritating voice, I'd flat out off myself.

Sarah, I appreciate your enthusiasm and drive and whatnot, but please, please keep it at home and away from an entire nation of people. We're all fucked, but we could, at the very least, prolong the inevitable hitting of rock bottom.

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Fred Astaire

Easter Parade - I'm Stepping Out With My Baby
Uploaded by diaperbiscuits.

Fuck you, Fred Astaire. Fuck you for completely destroying any chance I have of impressing a woman after she's seen you. Thank God you're dead. That only means that there is still a small chance that she will realize that she will never be yours and reluctantly settle for me. If you were alive, though, all bets would be off. I'm pretty sure no man would ever get laid again.

I have to admit that although I've known who Fred Astaire was for years, it was just today that I became aware that he's indisputably the greatest person ever. If there is a God, it's Fred Astaire.

A while back I'm pretty sure I shared my views on dancing and how dumb it is. Today Fred Astaire took that notion, wiped his ass with it, and smeared it in my face. Seriously, when this guy was alive he must have been rolling in the pussy. How could he not be with such epic moves?

And Christ, man, talk about PIMPING! In "Steppin' Out With My Baby" 2:47 says it all. He tilts the head down and snaps the fingers and all bets are off. Verbally, I think this would equate to "Buckle up, toots, this is my god damned stage and you're playing by my rules now. For I am Fred A-fucking-staire." I think if I saw a dude like this pimpin' down the street I would ask if I could please pay him one hundred dollars just for reeking of class.

And as if all that isn't enough, clearly the man is enchanted. You saw the videos. Without missing a beat he flipped off every scientist ever and said, "Fred Astaire don't follow no laws of physics." and proceeded to defy gravity. And look closely. In "Puttin' on the Ritz" he fucking went Jedi on his cane!

So tonight I give Fred a big "Fuck You" for making the rest of the male population look like worthless pieces of shit.

Lil Jon

This is actually kind of a touchy subject for me because I was taught that one of the worst things you could do is make fun of mentally challenged people. I have to say, though, that Lil Jon completely astounds me.

First I'd like to share a piece of information about Lil Jon that may surprise you, as it has surprised me after recently learning it. Folks, Lil Jon is...thirty eight years old. I'll repeat. THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OLD!

We have serious problems with society here, guys. On the one hand we have 12 year old girls dressing like prostitutes. On the other we have Lil Jon and guys in emo bands acting like 14 year olds. What the hell is going on?! I'm going to give these people a piece of advice that my dad told me numerous times as a young'un: ACT YOUR AGE.

And really, hasn't anyone besides me had the notion that we could probably save the economy if Lil Jon just turned in all his bling? I'm starting to think Fort Knox is just a big sham. Lil Jon's got all the country's gold and you know it. It's just a shame he has to use it all to make dumbass impractical necklaces with huge absurd phrases on them. And goblets? Who the hell needs a goblet?

Other than that, all he does is grin maniacally and scream 1-3 word phrases. My uncle Bert did the same thing and we had to put him under 24 hour watch. People like that are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. This is not "Fuck da po-lice!" we're talking about here. It's screaming words that have no context whatsoever. "WHAT?!"

If this guy weren't famous, I'm quite certain he'd be the scraggly-haired guy pushing a shopping cart down the sidewalk laughing to himself for no reason. And I'd be the guy trying to avoid his gaze.

Marriage Ceremonies

Just so everyone knows where I'm coming from on this one, I feel I should start by saying a couple things.

1)I don't hate marriage or anyone who gets married
2)If I wasn't such an epic failure with women I'd gladly get married if the circumstances were right.

Marriage ceremonies, to me, fall into the "I don't get it" category. When you think about it, they really seems ridiculously pointless.

Two people are in love. The man goes out and buys a very expensive piece of metal and this somehow means that he loves her. Spending money on metal=love. Stay with me. He gets down on one knee (another tradition that seems to have make no fucking sense in today's society) and asks the girl to marry him. She starts going ape-shit (because she believes marriage is important for some reason).

They both go out and spend thousands of dollars on flowers, a church, a tuxedo, a dress that's impractical more than anything, dresses for other women, a cake, hors d'oeuvres, other food, a minister...do I need to go on? The point being they spend an absurd amount of money.

The dude at the front blabs for a bit using flowery language to make the ceremony seem more meaningful and less like the sham that it actually is. The bride and groom basically say "I love you" (something they've undoubtedly done countless times before) but more elaborately (vows). They kiss for some reason (again, something they've done many, many times before). They sign some shit, pose for photos, maybe get into a fancy car that they would have paid even more money for, go to a second place with the same people that were at the marriage ceremony, everyone dances and gets drunk and goes home.

Then the bride and groom wake up the next morning with a hangover and if they're smart, realize "Hey, this situation is kind of...exactly like...it was a week ago. I'm me, you're you, we live together and we're in love. Tell me....why the fuck did we spend all that money on all that shit?"

Really, why do we need marriage ceremonies? As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a legal thing, not a love thing. You shouldn't need to buy a bunch of shit to show someone you love them, which is all that marriage ceremonies are. The only thing you really need is the marriage certificate. Good. Go down to the courthouse, sign some shit, and get your certificate. That's what marriage should be. Not a bunch of flowery bullshit that doesn't mean anything. Love is love, my friend.

Marriage doesn't mean a damn thing except in a legal sense. It doesn't mean love and it certainly doesn't mean eternal fidelity. If it did, there wouldn't be so many divorces. So go ahead and get married. I would. But try to be realistic about the whole thing.

An Open Letter to Kylie From the PC Commercial

Dear Kylie,

How are you? I am fine. I wish to start by saying that you're a very cute little girl. But your commercial annoys the piss out of me.

You're still very young, only 4 and a half, so I feel it's my duty to inform you of some of the harsh realities and injustices to come in your life in order to prepare you for the utter disappointment you will experience as you come of age.

It saddens me to tell you that even though your parents have likely taught you to never tell any lies, the world we live on is jam-packed full of them. Remember those nice people in two piece suits that gave you juice and cookies when you were filming your commercial? See, they weren't actually being nice to you because they wanted to be your friend, they were doing something called "exploiting you." That means that they wanted to use your age and your cute-as-a-button qualities to sell computers and make money for themselves. Have you wondered why you haven't seen those nice people since you stopped filming? That's just it, Kylie, you were never their friend. Money was more important to them.

You're a child, Kylie, and so I'll bet you can't wait until you're a grownup just like mommy and daddy, huh? Won't that be exciting? Nobody to tell you that it's bedtime or that you have to eat your carrots if you want dessert? Wouldn't it be great to do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, and go to bed whenever you want? I hate to burst your bubble, Kylie, but mommy and daddy have people telling them what to do as well. These people are called the government and you should learn now that despite what they will tell you, they don't have your best interests in mind and they don't care about you.

Do you like orange juice, Kylie? It's tasty, isn't it? And good for you too. Well, imagine if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't make, drink, buy, or sell orange juice any more because it is bad for you, morally wrong, and has no useful purposes in today's world. Suppose after hearing this you went out and bought a bottle of orange juice. Wouldn't you be upset if they found out and sent you to your room for making a personal decision to put something into your own body that they've given you false information about, and even if it was bad for you, wouldn't harm anyone but you, the person who made the choice to put it into yourself in the first place? The government does this every day, Kylie.

They will tell you lies that will determine how you dress, where you can go, what you can do, and what you can put into your own body. They will deny you rights for no good reason. Remember the camera you used to take a picture of your fish Dorothy? What if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't use that camera any more because of a tiny, tiny chance that Tommy, the mean boy from down your street, will come over to your house, plug the camera into the wall and drop it in Dorothy's tank, killing her? What if they told you that you couldn't ride your bike, watch Dora, or jump rope because Tommy might hurt you when you did these things? What if Tommy then moved away, but they wouldn't give your favourite playtime activities back? Worse yet, what if your parents dropped the camera into Dorothy's tank and blamed it on Tommy just so they could take away some of your basic playtime activities? Never trade your liberties for the illusion of security, Kylie.

As you grow up you'll hopefully realize that the big beautiful world you know now is full of lies. Lies from television and newspapers telling you what to think and how to feel. Maybe Tommy's not really that bad of a kid. Maybe his parents are telling him that you, Kylie, are evil and that's why he wants to hurt you. I think maybe if you both stopped listening to the lies that your parents are telling you and actually talked to each other, you'd discover that you have a lot in common and there is no need to kill each other. And yes, you or your peers will be told lies to get you to kill other people.

Anyway, Kylie, I've spoken at great length here and although I'm not even close to finished, I must be going. I just want to prepare you. Do not let smiling people in suits exploit you and don't trust anyone. I was once a chipper little kid like you and then I grew up and discovered the true workings of the world. Now I'm a cold, skeptical, pessimisstic asshole (pardon my language, Kylie).

Enjoy your childhood while you can before you're old enough for them to really start telling you what to do. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, Kylie.

Best wishes,

-Get the Fuck Outta My Office

Pre-Movie Crapola

Damn it, I remember (vaguely, mind you) when going to see a movie meant going to see a movie. But today you don't just go to the theatre to see a movie, you go to plant your ass down and take in roughly 10-11 hours of Coca Cola and Levis ads. Once you're through that, you can give youself a pat on the back and rest easy knowing that you've finally made it. Made it all the way to the elaborate and expensive looking "Coming Attractions" intro. At this point you're thinking, "Christ Almighty, do I still have my ticket stub on me? I'm going for a smoke."

Like, what the fuck is going on? The coming attractions I can understand because you're in a movie theatre and it makes sense to advertise upcoming movies in a movie theatre. That doesn't mean I enjoy watching them, it just means I see where they're coming from.

Back in the day I remember the coming attractions portion being quite tolerable and I'd imagine that has to be true because I would have been a kid and very antsy. If my squirmy little 10 year old ass could sit through the previews without getting up and tearing through the theatre throwing poporn everywhere, they couldn't have been too bad.

But then the coming attractions segment got super long. I was older and more patient, but even then I remember thinking, "This is...kind of ridiculous." And a few times I even forgot what movie I had come to see for a second or two. But length aside, it was still "Coming Attractions" so it was somehow acceptable.

Then the day came when (gasp!) a Coke ad was played before the coming attractions. Imagine! A TV advertisment in a movie theatre! How devilishly scandalous! It was only a minute long though so it's brevity made this risquee move relatively harmless.

And here we are today when we actually have to sit through an endless stream of advertisements that are completely unrelated to movies or movie theatres. Those boring-ass Telus ads with the animals on a white background are bad enough on TV. I have no desire to see them on the big screen with surround sound. Seriously, this is not one 60-second ad we're talking about here. It's not something that you can laugh off and say "Whatever" to. I mean, you could walk three towns over for a glass of beer and return before this shit is over and they still have the audacity to show a bunch of trailers for shitty romantic comedies.

I go to the theatre like once a year and I'm still fed up with this crap. I think I've discovered why I have trouble sitting through movies. By the time the movie starts I need to walk around and stretch my legs. It's absurd.

Obama's Smoking Habit

Oh no, oh HAIL no! You gotta be joking me. No, no, no, no. This cannot be.

Today I found out that the United States president, yes, the man you all look up to, get this....SMOKES!!! He smokes! Cigarettes! Can you believe it?! Questionably THE most popular man on the planet right now....he SMOKES!

I, for one, can't believe this and will not tolerate it. The last thing a man in charge of a country at war should be doing is getting cancer. He smokes! I still can't believe it! This is definitely headline news. People should know about the U.S. president's habit. As far as I'm concerned, this is way more important than the state of the economy, the war, the events in Iran, and even the government keeping UFOs under wraps. Seriously! The president of the United States of America...SMOKES CIGARETTES!!!

I honestly can't understand why the media is not all over this. He's smoking! Cigarettes! Doesn't President Obama know that cigarettes are bad for you? Isn't he worried about getting the cancer? It hasn't even been a day since I found out and I still can't believe the president of the U.S. smokes!

Seriously, there should be impeachment immediately. I mean, the president smokes! Do you honestly think a SMOKER could run America? I think not. All smokers get cancer and we can't have the U.S. president dying in a year because he SMOKES!
I mean, what's next? A heroin using president? Presidents of the U.S. should:

-be white
-be male
-be a virgin
-be Christian
-never have ingested any of the devil's drugs
-enjoy only things that the......well....no. Enjoy nothing. Whatever it is, it's a sin, it's unhealthy, and it's WRONG!!!

God damn. The president of the U.S. smokes. I never thought I'd see the day. This is what happens when you let young people vote. You should have to be at least 40 to vote. Anyone under 40 can't make logical decisions. Especially in regards to SMOKING!!!

The president smokes. This is truly the end of the world. The internet agrees with me.

I'm On Strike!

I've decided to go on strike because apparently everyone else in this city is doing the same. I don't have a boss that tells me what to put on my site, but if I did, I imagine he'd tell me write about Jon and Kate, which I won't do because I honestly don't give a fuck about them or anyone who, for some incredibly retarded reason, treats them and their family as news. So for that made up reason, I'm going on strike.

Well, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Sorry, but I'm not going on strike. I just needed an intro for my rant about these morons lining up at the LCBO with obscene amounts of booze like this "maybe/maybe not" strike is Y2K Jr.

I'll give exception to the people who run bars and pubs and whatnot who rely on the LCBO to provide them with the liquor they serve. But methinks that the LCBO is not jam packed solely with bar owners this evening. There are 3 other groups of people stocking up tonight: alcoholics, dumbass wine aficionados, and plain old empty-headed dickweeds.

Someone please explain this behaviour to me. Why is there this intense need to stock up on liquor? The Beer Store's still going to be open. Is there something wrong with popping a beer if the liquor store strikes?

Silly me...of course there is. To these ignoramuses at least. The alcoholics need hard liquor because it gets them drunk quickly and efficiently. The wine aficionados need wine because they're better than me and wouldn't be caught drinking beer, nectar of the peons. And the plain old empty-headed dickweeds need liquor for their faggoty little daiquiris and other pansy mixed drinks. I just can't respect anyone who enjoys drinking a Shirley Temple with half a shot of vodka in it.

I truly would enjoy it if they announced no strike. Just to witness these people's heads drop as they curse, "....shit. Just...(sigh)...shit."

But at least the ones in Toronto would be able to get mashed as they watch their garbage bag total slowly creep upwards to match their liquor bottle total. You win some, you lose some.

The Obama "Hope" Poster and the Zillions of Take-Offs On It

This update would have been more relevant several months ago, so sue me.

The original "Hope" poster just slightly irritates me because personally I find it really hard to look at. It's just ugly. The colour scheme is just awful. It's like they chose a four year old to pick out the colours and decided beforehand that they'd just run with whatever colours the kid randomly picked. The two main shades just don't match properly. It looks like barf.

Then you've got all the parodies and personalized "Hope" posters. I've done some research and what I've concluded is that 100% of them are not funny. Nor are they cute or original. People seem to think they're being clever by making a "Hope" poster with their own face on it. They're not. All they've managed to do is take a sensible, attractive photo of themselves and turn it into a bland, ugly piece of dog shit.

I studied the "Hope" poster for a long time last night trying to figure out what the hell the big deal was. I was just about to give up and throw it in the garbage, but I thought I'd give my backup theory a go, though I was pretty sure it would be a flop. So I went out and I bought a pair of those cheap red and blue 3D glasses that are made of cardboard and I put them on. Alas, I was right. My 3D Obama theory didn't work either. The president was still as two dimensional as the idiots crying and shrieking "Yes We Can!" at the inauguration.

All I'm trying to say is, stop making ugly rip-offs of ugly posters. If you're going to choose such a terrible colour scheme, I jolly well better be getting some eye-popping 3D action from it. End of story.