Steven Tyler

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Yahoo! and Their Increasingly Stupid Featured Stories

We are so fucked.

I don't know how many of you visit Yahoo!'s homepage on a regular basis, but at this point I'm ready to recommend that everyone avoid it in the name of sparing yourself a few IQ points.

For those who haven't yet fallen victim to Yahoo!'s idiocy, the basic idea behind Yahoo! Featured Stories is that every day they display a handful of stories on their homepage that are supposed to interest visitors.

The first bout of elevated blood pressure came a long while back when I was under the impression that the Featured Stories were supposed to reflect important things that were happening in the news headlines. For a while I got upset that they were constantly linking to stupid shit like weight loss tips and celebrity gossip. But as time passed I came to realize that "Featured Stories" did not necessarily mean "News Stories". The Features were just meant to appeal to what (moron) readers might be interested in.

So I let it go. Although I still stood in awe of the types of articles Yahoo! assumed it's readers would be interested in. And it scared me a little because Yahoo! wouldn't put them up if there weren't some basis in fact (Yahoo!'s readers must be dim-witted trailer trash).

However, tonight takes the cake. Even with my knowledge that the Featured Stories aren't supposed to reflect the world's most pressing affairs, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide:

http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Worst-date-ever-Boyfriend-bails-as-foul-ball-hi?urn=mlb-261442

I don't know exactly how long that link will work for, so if you happen to be reading this and it's no longer working, the basic premise is that a guy took his girlfriend to a baseball game, someone hit a foul ball into the stands, he ducked out of the way and she got hit with the ball. And they actually wrote up a whole fucking article going on about "chivalry is dead" as well as...well, basically a whole fuckload of NOTHING!

This is the kind of crap I'd expect to see written by a 7 year old in a family newsletter. "Extra! Extra! My sister got hit with a baseball at the family reunion!"
And the parents would be so proud that their daughter is becoming quite the little journalist.

But not a "reputable" (chortle!) source like Yahoo!.

I guess the main question I'm asking myself is...hmmm...let me think....oh yeah! "WHO GIVES A FUCK?!" Some meaningless everyday event is now front page because some guy didn't act the way society expects him to act. He didn't save the princess. Holy jumping fucking shitballs, let's get The View on the phone. This is a 5-part episode for them! This is a goldmine! Now a bunch of brain-dead white trash gossips can spend a whole week shrieking about this new addition on their ever-expanding list of "Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Yet Somehow Draws Ratings"

Why is this a fucking story?! Wait...hold on a second....I think...yeah...yeah, I've got it!

This is NOT a story and those slimy fucks at Yahoo! know it! This is a tactic, my dear Watson! This is a clever marketing trick (God, please let it be). Yahoo! knows this story is a big pile of horseshit and they're counting on visitors to think the same thing. They're counting on people like me to drop by, read the headline, and say, "No fucking way is this a story" and then click the link to read "the dumb shit other people are obsessed with" out of sheer curiousity.

That's what this is! A story so dumb it lures in and traps the smart people. The old switcheroo! The hidden ball trick! The electric hand buzzer (I don't know, help me out here)!

Please let it be. Marketing and advertising people are the most useless fuckers on Earth as far as I'm concerned but I'd much rather be tricked by them this one time than to know this story is for real and the human race has officially begun de-evolution.


Oh, by the way, fuck both the guy and his girlfriend for going to a boring baseball game in the first place.

Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!


My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

TLC

What happened to you, man? You've changed.

I still remember the first time my family got cable. I'd imagine most kids would. When you're a kid, cable is the holy grail of your world. It's the sole reason you were put on this earth. Once you've achieved "cable status" there's really nothing else to look forward to for the rest of your life. Kind of depressing, really.

Anyway, I was about 10 years old when we first got cable and it was magical. Channel after channel! Show after show! Anything you wanted was on cable!

I was a nerdy kid (hell, I'm a nerdy adult) so I was totally psyched for TLC - The Learning Channel! My ongoing thirst for knowledge could now be quenched with just the push of a button! Oh, the things I would learn now that we had cable! And oh, how I did learn things!

....

So why am I now turning on TLC, no longer "The Learning Channel", to see a family of dickheads with way too many children, Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck*, midgets, weddings, babies, and idiots winning money in cabs? FUCK!

A quest for knowledge has been trumped by low budget programming that I can't imagine anyone except fat redneck women would give two shits about. It's scary to think that people must actually be watching this crap. It wouldn't stay on the air otherwise. Something's seriously wrong.

We oughtta add a "D" to the end of this channel. TLCD: The Lowest Common Denominator.

God, people are boring.



*stolen from You Just Made My List!

Corporations Trying to Sell Me "Happiness"

I'm no stranger to basic marketing techniques. I'm no expert, but I'm no stranger either. I know that when I watch TV commercials I'm not simply being shown a 30 second video of a person with a product. I know that every minor detail is fine tuned to appeal to my subconscious desires. But I still watch the occasional hour of TV anyway and just keep mental notes of companies that are evil (nearly all of them) so I can avoid buying their products.

Today some poor ad placement made one of these marketing techniques stand out a lot more than it should have. Instead of just watching the commercials knowing that my subconscious was being attacked with suggestions but not quite knowing what they were, I found myself going, "AHA! I'm on to you, Corporate America!"

See, the first ad I saw was the French's ad above. 40% more happy in each bottle? Who the hell is on the marketing team at French's? The 8 year-old narrator's schoolyard chums? God, I beg that it's true because if I owned French's I'd be a little concerned over the fact that my adult marketing people couldn't even use the English language properly. The term you're looking for is "happiness". But I digress.

The ad immediately following it was a Coca Cola ad ended with:

Perfect. I mean, at first I was worried. I was beginning to get frustrated when I kept running out of happy without warning using the old French's mustard. And then I saw that they were adding 40% more happy. THANK GOD!!! No more tear-filled nights in the bathroom with the razor blades because I've run out of mustard! It's like, when I reach the point where I'd normally be hacking away at my skin...now I have more happy to get me through!

But then I thought...what if I forget about that 40% more and use the whole bottle of mustard like it only has 100% happy?! Great Scott, no! I'd be a wreck! But then, a light from heaven. Coca Cola: Open Happiness.

NO WAY! Another product, a SECOND product that delivers happiness?! I'm saved! When it's 2:30am, the grocery store is closed, and my "40% more happy" French's mustard is farting, all I need to do is run down to the corner store for a Coke to squash those suicidal thoughts! I can't believe it! Out of the millions of products in this world, TWO of them actually deliver happiness! What an age we live in...

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I want to let French's and Coke know...you're not being subliminal enough. People aren't supposed to catch on to your marketing trickery. They're supposed to watch your ads and promptly march like zombies to the store to buy your product with the thought that they need it, but not sure why.

Unless the media's dumbed people down so much that corporations don't even need to be slick anymore. "Buy it, sucker, it makes you feel good and yada yada yada." That'll soon be the type of slogan every commercial ends with and people will still eat that shit up.

All I ask is that you subject me to your mind control without my knowledge or consent like any good corporation or government agency would do. Stop blatantly advertising the emotions your products undoubtedly evoke. When you do that, it hints to me that you think I'm dumb enough that you can just skip the psychological toying around and cut right to the chase and it's actually a little insulting.

Please just meddle with my mind! I don't care if I end up with a house full of crap I don't need. At least I'll feel smart.

Hannah Montana

I was doing some research for another topic that quite honestly would have led to a very weak update. I've been fucking busy and flat out brain-drained for the past couple of days and it was getting down to the zero hour for tonight. Thankfully good ol' Hannah Montana swooped in and saved the day with her mediocrity.

See, I was trying to find Nickelback's Rock Star video and saw that Montana also has a song called Rock Star. And when a Disney artist sings about rock stars, red flags go up for me. I listened to it, and as I suspected, both Nickelback and Hannah Montana are in dangerous territory.

Nickelback can be forgiven because their whole song is about wanting to be a rock star. To me it's the first sensible thing they've done in their careers. I have issues with their awful fucking music and forced badboy image, but damn it, I respect them for being totally honest and admitting that they don't deserve to be seated at the "rock stars' table".

Hannah? She's even less of a rock star than the blokes in Nickelback and she's proclaiming that she is indeed, without question, a rock star! No, no, and no! 16-year old Disney-approved artists don't get to be rock stars unfortunately. Check in later when you're a little less clean-cut and have kicked a 7-year heroin habit that nearly killed you on several occasions. Get back to me when you can make me actually believe you're passionate about what you do instead of giving a me a bullshit fake wink and smile as you rattle off shitty lyrics about high school.

This is why I respect the hell out of Amy Winehouse even though everyone else apparently hates her. She's got a great voice and is dangerously close to kicking the bucket because of drugs. Voila. Winehouse, to me, is one of the few artists today keeping the spirit alive (the spirit being Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll). If she died tomorrow I wouldn't be one of those morons saying things like, "Gosh, that's so sad. Why'd a nice girl like that have to lose it all because of drugs?" I'd say, "Damn straight, Winehouse, you worked hard, you played hard, and you stuck it to the Man. I couldn't ask for anything more. Enjoy the flight to hell (because all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, of course)."

Anyway, I'm getting bored with this and I'm not telling you anything that Bill Hicks hasn't already said. Point is, Disney stars do not equal rock stars. Quite the opposite.

Screw it, I'll just post this, which tells it 1000X better than I have and promise you something much better for tomorrow.

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Lil Jon

This is actually kind of a touchy subject for me because I was taught that one of the worst things you could do is make fun of mentally challenged people. I have to say, though, that Lil Jon completely astounds me.

First I'd like to share a piece of information about Lil Jon that may surprise you, as it has surprised me after recently learning it. Folks, Lil Jon is...thirty eight years old. I'll repeat. THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OLD!

We have serious problems with society here, guys. On the one hand we have 12 year old girls dressing like prostitutes. On the other we have Lil Jon and guys in emo bands acting like 14 year olds. What the hell is going on?! I'm going to give these people a piece of advice that my dad told me numerous times as a young'un: ACT YOUR AGE.

And really, hasn't anyone besides me had the notion that we could probably save the economy if Lil Jon just turned in all his bling? I'm starting to think Fort Knox is just a big sham. Lil Jon's got all the country's gold and you know it. It's just a shame he has to use it all to make dumbass impractical necklaces with huge absurd phrases on them. And goblets? Who the hell needs a goblet?

Other than that, all he does is grin maniacally and scream 1-3 word phrases. My uncle Bert did the same thing and we had to put him under 24 hour watch. People like that are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. This is not "Fuck da po-lice!" we're talking about here. It's screaming words that have no context whatsoever. "WHAT?!"

If this guy weren't famous, I'm quite certain he'd be the scraggly-haired guy pushing a shopping cart down the sidewalk laughing to himself for no reason. And I'd be the guy trying to avoid his gaze.

Larry King's Career

What is going on this week? Is it just me or is Larry King being shit on? See, I was under the impression that he was a qualified and respected anchor/interviewer and good at what he does. But this week he's been stuck chatting with morons.

Larry King should be delivering hard-hitting, informative reporting. That's the kind of thing I see him doing. Not asking the Jonas Brothers about their girlfriends, as he's doing tonight. He's too good for that and he's above it.

Tuesday he had Kathy Griffin on his show and it was awful. I have to admit that I've never followed any of her stuff even though I've known her name and what she does for years. I realized how thankful I am for that time in the dark because she turned out to be really, really annoying. She was unfunny, wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the whole interview was just awkward.

And on Monday (I believe?) he had to talk with Idol winner David Cook. Like, what the hell?! Why does such a good anchor get stuck covering absolute fluff? I really feel sorry for him. Why isn't he given the opportunity to use his talents to cover Tehran or Obama's latest doings? Get these fucking pop stars off the news network!

Talk about hindered talent.

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

These Fucking Talent Agent Commercials

Every few weeks Q107 plays a commercial advertising a different childrens' talent agent who will be in town to make her "next big discovery". It's always the same commercial, just with a different agent's name. Fuck you.

I really wish I had a sample of one of these commercials, but I don't. The never fail to piss me off though. It's always a bubbly announcer asking me if my child keeps bugging me to be on TV or in movies and telling me I should phone for an audition time. Every time the agent's credits include some bullshit Disney show/movie like High School Musical.

It honestly pains me a little bit to say it because I grew up with the Jungle Book and the Rescuers, but fuck Disney. Have you seen some of the low-brow diarrhea they're churning out these days? It's turning children into unenlightened robots. I'm sick of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's shit. I can't watch childrens' programming for more than 2 minutes these days without getting irate. I find myself wondering, "Did I watch stuff like this when I was a kid? Was I being brainwashed on such a massive scale?" Thank god my parents didn't let me have everything I saw on TV at the age when my mind was most vulnerable. I probably would have been a selfish, bitter little shit...

I'm getting way off topic. I think the real reason I hate these talent agent commercials is because I feel bad that innocent, vulnerable children have been conditioned to think that fame and acting and money are important. They think Miley Cyrus should be idolized. They think if they can get a part in a Disney production their lives will be complete. Keeping in mind that I'm not a child and this is just speculation. I feel really bad that children are being lied to and taken advantage of and, I'll say it again, conditioned.

Parents, discipline your kids and stop treating them little princes and princesses. Making a choice that causes your child to cry is not the end of the world. It's good for them. It teaches them that they can't have everything they want and prepares them for "the real world". If you give in to their every demand all you're doing is telling them that they're in charge and you're setting them up for some huge disappointments further down the line.

Getting to Disney shouldn't be the goal here. The idea that someone's big goal in life is to be part of a corporation upsets me. And I'm going to stop now because this update is going nowhere and it's god damn written like crap. Sorry.

Don't Forget the Lyrics

If you've never seen this horrible excuse for a TV show, consider yourself lucky. This has got to be hands-down, without question, one of the worst shows ever conceived in the history of time. I would beg on my knees for Two and a Half Men before I agreed to watch this pile of crap again.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge the stunning marketing department who came up with such a knock-out title. Please. Don't Forget the Lyrics? It's like they gave one guy 5 seconds and no more to come up with a name for the show.
"Uh- uh- UH! DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS"
"Aaaaand time! There you have it folks, let's run with it!"

Well, on the plus side the title gives you fair warning of the intellect you're about to discover on the show when you sit down to watch. I think at this point I've seen somewhere in between 2 and 3 full episodes of the show and the contestants still haven't gotten any brighter. Every time it's these bottom-of-the-IQ-barrel, overly enthusiastic, airheads with big smiles on their faces. And boy, do they ever have great singing voices.

On to the content, once again I ask myself "Who the hell would ever want to watch this shit?" It's the same feeling I get with those fucking poker championship shows all over the tube. Why would anyone ever want to watch somebody else playing cards? In this case, why the fuck would you care to watch Fox's glammed-up version of your local bar's "Bad Karaoke Night"? The real thing is bad enough. This thing ain't even live and the people aren't even drunk. Where is the fun? In the money all the greedy assholes are after? Are you entertained by a bunch of glowing lights and scrolling text? Do you just like that hunk Wayne Brady? I don't get it.

I feel sorry for the clearly talented musicians on the show that have to be associated with this low-brow crap. Clearly they're good enough that they could be doing much better. These guys probably cry themselves to sleep every night.

Christ, there are better things on TV. Dancing With the Stars and Fox News, for instance.

Our Dumb World

No affiliation with the Onion, which by the way is awesome. It's just the best way to describe this horror.

I was watching CNN again and they flashed up one of their polls (what you see above). Please, please for the love of god tell me I'm missing something or they just wanted to have a "silly poll". Please tell me we're not actually at the point where this is an honest question.

When they passed the bailout bill without reading it I was flabbergasted. I thought, "How could these assholes possibly get away with this?" Why would anyone ever consider passing legislation without even knowing what they're passing? This is completely unacceptable.

When I voted the obvious YES answer in the poll, the results showed that 23 people had voted NO. I'm honestly dying for an explanation. I really hope it's just mischievous people and there aren't people who don't have a problem with legislation that affects everyone being passed without even being looked at. If you would vote no, I really would like to hear why you feel that way.

Think of it like this: if Congress didn't read anything they voted on you could put whatever you wanted into the legislation and it would get passed. Think of what would happen if somebody slipped something into a bill that completely took away every civilian's rights. Congress passes it and presto, you are the government's property. They can do whatever they want to you and can make you do anything they want. If you refuse you are thrown in jail or killed. I'm not trying to sound extremist here, just an example. You'd probably wish that the bill was read.

Of course Congress should have to read everything they vote on. The fact that this is even being asked on such a reputable news network is sickening. And the fact that Congress can do and has done this without much opposition is just more proof that the government is fucking with us constantly and we're mostly just rolling over and taking it. Fuck.

The Bilderberg Group

PREFACE: When I started this site I told myself I'd keep it at least somewhat lighthearted and "dumbed down" if you will (writing about things we can all relate to and perhaps laugh at). I didn't want to go Alex Jones on everyone and start filling all my space up with what most would call conspiracy theories, and I won't. But this topic has been eating at me for the past week or so and I've honestly found it hard to write about the "dumbed down" topics. So I feel like I need to go Alex Jones on everyone and just get this off my chest so I can get back to the normal fun stuff. Thank you for your understanding.

Have you heard about the Bilderberg Group? Most likely no, and I don't feel any mightier than you because I have. The reason that you may not have heard of the Bilderbergs is because the mainstream media generally doesn't cover anything to do with them.

I can't even come close to giving you all the details here, but you're a big person, you can do your own research. I'm going to give you a description in a nutshell. The Bilderbergs are a group of approximately 150 of some of the most powerful people in the world. The group is made up of big bankers, politicians, corporate fatcats, and other people with a lot of sway. The meet every year in a different city and their list of invitees changes from year to year, though there are several "regulars".

Their meetings are kept as secret as possible. Like I said, the mainstream media generally doesn't cover it. The list of invitees is kept secret but it has a tendency to be leaked eventually. What is discussed at these meetings is also kept mum, but again, certain topics are often leaked. The security at the meetings is incredibly high. You can't even get close to the meeting building and Wiki Charlie Skelton for an idea of how seriously security is taken.

This year's meeting was in Athens and ran last Thursday to last Saturday. I'd like to link you to just two articles that sum it up nicely and I'll hope you'll take the time to read them.
Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression
Bilderberg Inside Scoop: Elitists Want Global Department Of Health, Global Treasury

The main reason I chose those two articles is because they focus on predictions, past and present. This is not just some random, far-out theory that someone made up. There is actually something happening here. The thing about a lot of conspiracies is that often the majority of people don't realize anything's going on until it's too late. I'm here to pass this info along because I'm without question the guy that knows the conspiracy side of things in any one group. I'm the conspiracy connection. If I didn't pass this stuff along to my non-conspiracy friends they might not ever know about it.

I expect to be called nuts so do it if you have to. I could be completely wrong. That's what frustrates me. In my mind, there is no way of knowing whether I'm listening to the truth or just a bunch of garbage. That goes for conspiracy theories as well as mainstream media. So if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'm nuts, Bob's your uncle. But if all this world government shit is happening, hey, you're bound to realize it at some point. And the sooner you know all of this stuff the better off you'll be and the better prepared you'll be to fight it, if indeed that's what you feel is best.

I think I've said everything I wanted to about this and I'm glad because now I can get back to the normal routine instead of having this tearing at me. Finally, I will not respond to any tin-foil hat comments because it's been done to death, it's not funny, it's not realistic, and usually the people who resort to it have no actual argument.

Keep fighting the good fight, little buddies.


P.S. I forgot to mention the real reason Bilderberg is evil: Tim Geithner attended the most recent meeting and as far as I'm concerned, any place that asshole walks automatically becomes tainted. Tim Geithner has the Midasshole Touch.

The New Juicy Fruit Commercial

I know a lot of commercials insult my intelligence, but this one seems to blatantly and shamelessly insult my intelligence.

First of all, I've seen this commercial several (too many) times and until tonight I had no idea who Julianna Hough was. I had to Google her and when I left the images section and removed "nude" from the search bar, it became clear to me who she was and why the fine people at Juicy Fruit thought this commercial would sell gum.

See, Julianna Hough is a country artist who apparently made a splash on Dancing With the Stars, a show that I've never watched and probably never will. People will fucking watch anything. Why would I want to waste an hour of my life watching celebrities dancing? Dancing is stupid and celebrities are stupid. Combined, it's just a huge typhoon of idiocy. But I digress.

So I guess if you're making a commercial targeted towards people who watch Dancing With the Stars, you don't need to display a whole lot of intellect or have a whole lot of content to be able to sell your product. Reading the comments on this commercial on Youtube is proof enough. Half of them are "OMGZZZ! She's so hot! I want to buy Juicy Fruit! LULZ!!!"

That's my problem with this commercial. It's fucking mindless. It's like the marketing people at Juicy Fruit sat down and made the decision, "Let's just get a fucking hot celebrity to dance around for 30 seconds and kick our gum around. Nothing else. Just dancing and hotness. People are morons and they'll eat that shit right up."

Yeah, sex sells, but this is just embarrassing. Aren't we past this? This is like the 50s when most people could be sold just by having an attractive girl in the ad. I thought we were smarter than this now, what with the internet and all. People are supposed to be disillusioned by this shit. We're supposed to be aware of basic advertising techniques so we're not brainwashed into buying every little thing just because there's a girl selling it. We're regressing, I tells ya.

Dancing and hotness are not enough for me. If you want to sell me something you'd better get off your ass and put some effort into your commercials and come up with something really creative or clever.

And that fucking smile over the shoulder at the end is not cute. It seems incredibly contrived and makes me want to vomit.

Classical Crossover

I know my classical music. Not only was I a classical aficionado for several years, the nature of my job exposes me to classical music 5 days a week. So I know what I'm talking about here. Now...

To any budding classical music fans, I have one very important thing to tell you and here it is: no matter how badly you want them to be, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman, Andrea Bocelli, Paul Potts, and film scores are not classical music. Especially Josh Groban. In fact, Josh Groban may someday receive his own entry just because he irritates me so much. Anyway, this music (with the exception of film scores) is what is called classical crossover. It's like classical meets pop. And it's shit.

Now that I've said that, I'd like to address that these people do perform operatic repertoire and that's the one thing that keeps me from completely disrespecting everything they do. But why does everyone melt over their bullshit songs like Time to Say Goodbye (the video above)? Con te partiro is the fucking worst. I've heard it way too many times, morons love it, and it's not even a great song to begin with.

People apparently listen to this and think it's opera. There is nothing I'd love more than to see Puccini, Rossini, Verdi, and Wagner crawl out of their graves and kick these peoples' asses.

I think my main problem with classical crossover is that I think of it as being sort of the Miley Cyrus of the classical music world. Today's mainstream music is all dumbed down and classical music is no exception. I hear so much great music today that never gets radio airplay or publicity because some jackass decided that it wouldn't make any money so it's no good. Instead they'll give people Miley Cyrus because she's good looking. But the music is FUCKING BULLSHIT. And that's the problem with the music industry. It's the "hotness industry" not the music industry. People apparently don't mind mediocre music if the singer is hot.

Classical crossover is the same. Everyone likes it because it's melodramatic and catchy and sounds more refined than Fergie because there are classical instruments involved and it's sung in an operatic way. And hey, most of the time the singers are hot. But it's garbage! Verdi never would have written crap like Besame Mucho. Well...he might have. He would have written it with his ass cheeks in less than 5 minutes and then wiped his ass with the manuscript after realizing he could do so much better.

And I'm sick of English rock songs being passed off as something more sophisticated just by transcribing it to classical instrumentation and changing the lyrics to Italian. Doesn't work that way. Paul Potts sings "Ognuno Soffre" (or R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts to normal people). My theory is that they change the lyrics to Italian because if singers sang the words in English against a classical backing, they'd be ridiculed for doing a cheesy version of a song. But people are so dumb that if you just change the lyrics to another language, the song now becomes "refined" and "passionate" and "breathtaking".

Finally, film scores. I don't mind them nearly as much because they're a lot closer to classical music than Josh Groban. But again, the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack isn't classical music. It's instrumental music. This is a young person thing. Everyone loves the Pirates soundtrack. Well of course you do. It's not like that boring old Haydn. This has cymbal crashes and shit. It's exciting and brief enough to keep your dull little mind stimulated.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of writing this. There are some notes from a music snob.

The Lowe's Help Button

If you're not aware, the Help Button is a service that Lowe's has. In every aisle they have a button that you can press that alerts the staff members that there is someone in that aisle that needs assistance. Please.

Let me just say that I'm sick and tired of all this customer pampering that is ever increasing. I'm sick of people getting free shit from the movie store if the movie the want is out. I'm sick of complimentary coupons. I'm sick of playgrounds inside fast food restaurants. I'm sick of "your business is important to us." I'm sick of companies bending over backwards and trying to make things right for unhappy customers. It's turning us into a population of self-important assholes and people take advantage of it. Act unsatisfied, get some free shit.

Now, the Lowe's help button isn't giving people free shit, but it's another customer pampering device and that's why I don't like it. I know it'll rarely happen just because of business fundamentals, but just once I'd like to see some badass shop owner say, "Don't like my store? Take your pansy ass somewhere else then."

Is there something wrong with taking a walk around the store and finding some acne-ridden teenage employee who can help you? Is it that much of an inconvenience to actually do 20 seconds of work? If I had suggested 50 years ago to a hardware store employee that they should look into installing Help Buttons in each aisle to help customers, I would have been asked, "What, are your legs broken?"

I've never pushed a Lowe's Help Button and I assume I never will. Personally I'd feel like tool. Imagine that, a tool in a hardware store. I picture myself pushing the button and then smugly waiting there with my arms crossed, tapping my toe as a Lowe's worker approaches me with a look that says, "You. You lazy piece of shit. You fucking astound me."

Maybe I'm just a guy that likes to help people. I think I'm just practical. I don't feel the need to treat the employees of a store I'm visiting like shit. I don't feel like they're obligated to wait on me like I'm British royalty. I like to meet people halfway. If you're kind enough to take some time out to help me, I'll help you by going to find you, not by standing there paging you like an arrogant prick.

I'm not necessarily saying that we should completely abolish the Help Button, but there are certain things you can do with it that would deter people from using and abusing it. For example, how about when you press it the following is played through the store's intercom: "Attention Lowe's employees. There is, at this moment, a worthless excuse for a person who needs assistance in Aisle 8. Please treat them with care, as their fucking legs must be broken. We realize that you are likely busy with other more important things at the moment, but again, the lazy sumbitch in Aisle 8 has evidently decided that moving is too much work. I know, it sucks, but if you can take care of that...the boss will buy you a beer or something. Lowe's apologizes for this inconvenience and thanks our valuable customers who can actually be bothered to do shit for themselves. Have a great day!"

You'd probably think twice about pushing the Help Button if you knew the store was going to publicly call you a lazy sumbitch, huh? Public shaming kicks ass.

Two and a Half Men

I don't get how this show is still on. Maybe I just have a different sense of humour but I just don't find it funny. It seems very predictable and many jokes are cliche. It just seems weird when the audience roars with laughter over a gag that's been done by several other people before.

People talk a lot about how we're being dumbed down and although I don't think that right away when I watch other shows, I do constantly have "dumb show" at the front of my brain as I watch Two and a Half Men. And yeah, I get that some people turn on the TV to escape and not think too much, this show just seems to be taking that notion to an embarrassing level. It's really not a show for intellectuals, but rather for Linda, the overweight stay-at-home-mom from Wisconsin. She's a good, friendly person, but damn, every time she speaks you'd think she was born yesterday. Just duuumb.

As the years pass I pray that the kid's entry into adulthood will bring the show to a much needed series finale. I really hope in a few years he moves out. It would have to be then end then, right? Would anyone watch Two Men? Would anyone watch the spinoff, One Frat Dipshit (Yes, Another One...)? Would Charlie Sheen have the colossal balls to adopt some other unfortunate kid and start the series all over again? Surely that would be enough for even the dumb people to say, "Nope, not a chance. Officially jumped the shark." Is there any "reasonable" way to keep the show running after the kid moves out?

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I could really do without people who sing the theme song to Two and a Half Men. First of all it sounds like it was "envisioned" by thin, 40-something guys in suits who drink way too much Starbucks on a daily basis. Douchebags. And I say "envisioned" because saying it was written probably gives someone more credit than they deserve. Second, you're not funny or cute by singing it. All it says to me is that you're entertained by a mediocre show and for that you get no points!

This show is like the Disney Channel for adults. Same lack of intelligence and undeserved hype, just with less glitter and Jonas Brothers. Yeah, fuck the Jonas Brothers too.