We are so fucked.
I don't know how many of you visit Yahoo!'s homepage on a regular basis, but at this point I'm ready to recommend that everyone avoid it in the name of sparing yourself a few IQ points.
For those who haven't yet fallen victim to Yahoo!'s idiocy, the basic idea behind Yahoo! Featured Stories is that every day they display a handful of stories on their homepage that are supposed to interest visitors.
The first bout of elevated blood pressure came a long while back when I was under the impression that the Featured Stories were supposed to reflect important things that were happening in the news headlines. For a while I got upset that they were constantly linking to stupid shit like weight loss tips and celebrity gossip. But as time passed I came to realize that "Featured Stories" did not necessarily mean "News Stories". The Features were just meant to appeal to what (moron) readers might be interested in.
So I let it go. Although I still stood in awe of the types of articles Yahoo! assumed it's readers would be interested in. And it scared me a little because Yahoo! wouldn't put them up if there weren't some basis in fact (Yahoo!'s readers must be dim-witted trailer trash).
However, tonight takes the cake. Even with my knowledge that the Featured Stories aren't supposed to reflect the world's most pressing affairs, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide:
http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Worst-date-ever-Boyfriend-bails-as-foul-ball-hi?urn=mlb-261442
I don't know exactly how long that link will work for, so if you happen to be reading this and it's no longer working, the basic premise is that a guy took his girlfriend to a baseball game, someone hit a foul ball into the stands, he ducked out of the way and she got hit with the ball. And they actually wrote up a whole fucking article going on about "chivalry is dead" as well as...well, basically a whole fuckload of NOTHING!
This is the kind of crap I'd expect to see written by a 7 year old in a family newsletter. "Extra! Extra! My sister got hit with a baseball at the family reunion!"
And the parents would be so proud that their daughter is becoming quite the little journalist.
But not a "reputable" (chortle!) source like Yahoo!.
I guess the main question I'm asking myself is...hmmm...let me think....oh yeah! "WHO GIVES A FUCK?!" Some meaningless everyday event is now front page because some guy didn't act the way society expects him to act. He didn't save the princess. Holy jumping fucking shitballs, let's get The View on the phone. This is a 5-part episode for them! This is a goldmine! Now a bunch of brain-dead white trash gossips can spend a whole week shrieking about this new addition on their ever-expanding list of "Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Yet Somehow Draws Ratings"
Why is this a fucking story?! Wait...hold on a second....I think...yeah...yeah, I've got it!
This is NOT a story and those slimy fucks at Yahoo! know it! This is a tactic, my dear Watson! This is a clever marketing trick (God, please let it be). Yahoo! knows this story is a big pile of horseshit and they're counting on visitors to think the same thing. They're counting on people like me to drop by, read the headline, and say, "No fucking way is this a story" and then click the link to read "the dumb shit other people are obsessed with" out of sheer curiousity.
That's what this is! A story so dumb it lures in and traps the smart people. The old switcheroo! The hidden ball trick! The electric hand buzzer (I don't know, help me out here)!
Please let it be. Marketing and advertising people are the most useless fuckers on Earth as far as I'm concerned but I'd much rather be tricked by them this one time than to know this story is for real and the human race has officially begun de-evolution.
Oh, by the way, fuck both the guy and his girlfriend for going to a boring baseball game in the first place.
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