Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Medusa From The Rescuers

My God, what a big heaping pile of bitch. Everything she says just makes you want to kick her squarely in the box.

Until last night I hadn't seen the Rescuers for a while. Both of the DVD players I own have crapped out at the same time so lately I've been watching VHS movies. And since DVD is the standard now, you can imagine that most of my VHS movies are ones from when I was a kid. So I watched the Rescuers last night.

SPOILER ALERT!

I feel obligated to say that even though I know that anyone who reads this
a) has seen the Rescuers
b) really doesn't give a fuck whether or not I give away details to a childrens' movie

So in the movie Medusa kidnaps a small orphan girl named Penny because she's looking for a huge diamond called the Devil's Eye. The diamond is buried down in a cave that adults can't fit into so that's why Penny was kidnapped. Medusa and her pussy-whipped, wimpy husband Snoops live on a shitty riverboat with Penny and basically treat her like ass all the time.

Medusa is seriously an ugly, snooty, bitch of a cunt, whatever that means. She is like turbo-bitch. Super robo-bitch. She had Penny lowered into the cave in a bucket to find the diamond and wouldn't pull her back up until it was in Penny's hands, even when the fucking tide came in and Penny and the Rescuers almost died. I mean, I've heard of being on the rag, but this is not normal. This requires therapy or medication.

Then when she finally got the diamond, super-robo-turbo-bitch defied the impossible and became even bitchier. She kept the diamond all for herself and held her own husband and a small child up at gunpoint. That was until the Rescuers showed up, oh ho ho!

Medusa got completely boom-roasted I'm proud to say. I won't go through everything, but in the end Penny stole her swamp-mobile and her diamond and Medusa was launched into a stack in the middle of the bayou and clung there as her two pet alligators snapped at her ankles and her husband pointed and laughed at her. The last time we see her she is clinging to this fat pipe wailing over her precious diamond. Slam!

Unfortunately I got carried away last night and drunkenly cheered at 4am, waking everyone up. When I became aware of this, I also discovered that in my excitement I had hurled an empty whiskey bottle at the TV screen and it was at that point when I decided perhaps it was best that I just go to bed.

I still don't know how the movie ended but I think Penny got adopted by the swamp creatures and now has severe social and mental deficiencies. Great flick.