Medusa From The Rescuers

My God, what a big heaping pile of bitch. Everything she says just makes you want to kick her squarely in the box.

Until last night I hadn't seen the Rescuers for a while. Both of the DVD players I own have crapped out at the same time so lately I've been watching VHS movies. And since DVD is the standard now, you can imagine that most of my VHS movies are ones from when I was a kid. So I watched the Rescuers last night.

SPOILER ALERT!

I feel obligated to say that even though I know that anyone who reads this
a) has seen the Rescuers
b) really doesn't give a fuck whether or not I give away details to a childrens' movie

So in the movie Medusa kidnaps a small orphan girl named Penny because she's looking for a huge diamond called the Devil's Eye. The diamond is buried down in a cave that adults can't fit into so that's why Penny was kidnapped. Medusa and her pussy-whipped, wimpy husband Snoops live on a shitty riverboat with Penny and basically treat her like ass all the time.

Medusa is seriously an ugly, snooty, bitch of a cunt, whatever that means. She is like turbo-bitch. Super robo-bitch. She had Penny lowered into the cave in a bucket to find the diamond and wouldn't pull her back up until it was in Penny's hands, even when the fucking tide came in and Penny and the Rescuers almost died. I mean, I've heard of being on the rag, but this is not normal. This requires therapy or medication.

Then when she finally got the diamond, super-robo-turbo-bitch defied the impossible and became even bitchier. She kept the diamond all for herself and held her own husband and a small child up at gunpoint. That was until the Rescuers showed up, oh ho ho!

Medusa got completely boom-roasted I'm proud to say. I won't go through everything, but in the end Penny stole her swamp-mobile and her diamond and Medusa was launched into a stack in the middle of the bayou and clung there as her two pet alligators snapped at her ankles and her husband pointed and laughed at her. The last time we see her she is clinging to this fat pipe wailing over her precious diamond. Slam!

Unfortunately I got carried away last night and drunkenly cheered at 4am, waking everyone up. When I became aware of this, I also discovered that in my excitement I had hurled an empty whiskey bottle at the TV screen and it was at that point when I decided perhaps it was best that I just go to bed.

I still don't know how the movie ended but I think Penny got adopted by the swamp creatures and now has severe social and mental deficiencies. Great flick.