TLC

What happened to you, man? You've changed.

I still remember the first time my family got cable. I'd imagine most kids would. When you're a kid, cable is the holy grail of your world. It's the sole reason you were put on this earth. Once you've achieved "cable status" there's really nothing else to look forward to for the rest of your life. Kind of depressing, really.

Anyway, I was about 10 years old when we first got cable and it was magical. Channel after channel! Show after show! Anything you wanted was on cable!

I was a nerdy kid (hell, I'm a nerdy adult) so I was totally psyched for TLC - The Learning Channel! My ongoing thirst for knowledge could now be quenched with just the push of a button! Oh, the things I would learn now that we had cable! And oh, how I did learn things!

....

So why am I now turning on TLC, no longer "The Learning Channel", to see a family of dickheads with way too many children, Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck*, midgets, weddings, babies, and idiots winning money in cabs? FUCK!

A quest for knowledge has been trumped by low budget programming that I can't imagine anyone except fat redneck women would give two shits about. It's scary to think that people must actually be watching this crap. It wouldn't stay on the air otherwise. Something's seriously wrong.

We oughtta add a "D" to the end of this channel. TLCD: The Lowest Common Denominator.

God, people are boring.



*stolen from You Just Made My List!

Realizing That Basically the Only Thing I've Done All Day is Watch DVD Commentaries

If you think the above picture is a bit depressing, I didn't even have the girl in the bed! God damn, what a waste of a day. I'm not saying I'm the most productive person in the world, but on average, I do more than stay in bed and watch DVD commentaries all day!

And it's not like I was watching deep, intelligent movies where the commentary was describing the movie's symbolism and whatnot. I was watching Ace Ventura, Mallrats, and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Not a whole lot of symbolism in giving someone the stinkpalm. It's pretty much something you take at face value.

It would have been bad enough if I had just stayed in bed watching DVDs all day. But I watched the commentaries, the telltale sign of having way too much time on your hands. On the other hand, though, at least I haven't taken to writing lengthy rants on the message boards at IMDB. Still, I feel like I could have been more productive with my day.

Watching skateboarding DVD commentaries would have been just cause for an immediate head examination. Do skateboarding DVDs even have commentaries? I sure hope not. It would just be 2 hours of losers desperately trying to find something interesting to talk about. "And...that was Jeremy doing a 180 shove-it....into a double heelflip....oh, and here's Brent....he smashed his nads on the rail like 19 times before he finally landed that....(sighs and looks at watch)"

Tomorrow I'm going to run for prime minister just to make up today's hopelessly lost productivity. That oughta even things up.

My Rainbow Shirt

That's not my shirt. In fact my rainbow shirt looks nothing like that. And truth be told, I like my rainbow shirt. I just can't stand people commenting on it. Hmmmm...people commenting on a rainbow shirt. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm sure anyone reading this has, at one time, purchased an article of clothing and realized in hindsight that it maybe wasn't such a good idea. Such is the case with my rainbow shirt.

If you have seen my rainbow shirt and have thought of commenting on it, or if you know someone who would like to comment on it, please direct yourself or that person to the following two sentences:

a) No, I am not gay.
b) Yes, I realize I look like a fucking rainbow.

The whole reason I bought the shirt (sever years ago now) was because I was at a point in my life where I desired only the brightest, most colourful clothes I could find. I thought that was a cool style and though I dress more conservatively now, the rainbow shirt remains. It has nothing to do with sexuality or wanting to look like a weather phenomenon. These days I only wear the shirt because it's a fucking shirt and it fits.

Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker about how he was "quitting smoking cold turkey tomorrow". A couple days later he was out smoking again. I haven't commented on it, nor will I because I assume he's dealt with a bunch of cute remarks from other people already. I figure he's got to be sick of it.

Will others follow my example? Can't people just assume that I've heard all the cutesy "gay" and "rainbow" comments from enough people already and just leave it alone?

No, I'm not going to stop wearing the shirt for fear that someone will mistake my sexuality. Like I said, it's a shirt, it fits, and it's comfortable. That's a good reason to wear a shirt as far as I'm concerned. I am, however, fully open to any witty retorts I can dish out to these dimwits so they'll think twice about making remarks about someone's shirt.


...Sorry, folks, I've got too much shit going on tonight to put any real effort into an update.

Paid Programming on the Radio

Jesus Christ, is this shit boring or what? The younger folks may not even be aware of this, listening to their iPods or iPhones or whatever spooky device they get their music from. Help me out here, I'm so utterly out of touch! Anyway, this paid programming is not meant to sell anything like TV infomercials. It is usually a half hour segment, usually happening on weekend mornings, dedicated to discussing some of the most boring crap ever.

I can think of lots of paid programming shows that air regularly on all the AM stations I listen to (because I'm 23 and I'm that fucking cool). Out of all of them, I can't think of a single one I enjoy listening to. Let's see. There's a computer/software/virus protection show, a gardening show, a car show, a Christian show, a "woman's perspective" show, a travel show, a home improvement show... Shall I continue? Please say no. This is so god damn boring.

The worst though, the absolute worst show...the show that makes me want to set fire to myself to lessen the agony...is called the Buddha Lounge. This show is perfectly dreadful. It makes me fully understand why people hate hippies. By hippies, I don't mean the traditional counter-culture people, but the people that seem to get associated most with the term these days. I'm talking about these pansy-ass, pussy-ass, gentile, "alternative-lifestyle", yoga-practicing, organic-food-eating, meditating people. These are the people that make up the Buddha Lounge.

Whether they're talking about Feng Shui or spiritual vibes and energies, they make me want to puke because they always speak in sort of a hushed manner. It's hard to describe, but if you group together the words "yoga", "lifestyle", and "pansy" into sort of an idea to describe the way someone speaks, you're on the right track.

Enough Buddha Lounge bashing though. The point is that all of these shows are excruciating. They all have people phoning up and asking for advice. Who listens to this shit? I couldn't care less about other peoples' difficulties in the garden or the hardships they're running into with their plumbing. Snore. SNORE. SNORE!!!

Unfortunately these shows will continue though because the station makes money off of them. I just wish a cool one would finally come along. Like "The Suicide Hotline Show!" Or "The Kick Tim Geithner In the Balls Over and Over and Over Show!" Well, maybe that one's better for TV. I'd watch it though.

The Oscars

I've been complaining about award shows for years. So seeing as how tonight's Oscar night and I needed something to complain about today, this entry was kind of inevitable. Not that that makes any sense.

The thing is, I realized tonight that I complain about award shows from time to time, but I really haven't seen one in years. So I figured I'd take one for the team (me) and watch the Oscars just so I have at least a smidgen of credibility. I thought maybe the Oscars would give me some material and this would be a cute little entry.

It's 11 o'clock. I've been watching this crap since 7 because "surely the red carpet will nauseate me enough to inspire me." 4 hours and this crap is STILL ON. I know it usually runs a while and I watched a bunch of red carpet stuff before the actual event, but Jesus Christ. This is what I've been complaining about for so long? The Oscars haven't so much directly given me material as they have managed to bore me to fucking tears.

It's been like a movie that promises to make me laugh, make me cry. And it seems to be doing that for the audience. But it's all just sentimental garbage and piss poor jokes. I don't understand this. Did I nod off during all the good parts?

Why do people hype this every year? It's not even good. If you missed it and after reading this far, still want to know what went down, allow me to bring you up to speed:

"Ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Jackman. (applause)
"Thanks folks, I'm going to sing a shitty song even though I was told not to! You're welcome!"
(shitty song)
"Holy crap, that was fucking rad! Thanks everyone! Now please welcome, to introduce our first nominees, THESE people!"
"Blah blah blah, and the winner is, blah blah blah, thank you to the Academy, blah blah blah, oh my goodness, blah blah blah, Heath Ledger, Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E, blah blah blah.
"And now a musical bit featuring some of the worst songs ever!"
(musical bit featuring some of the worst songs ever)
"THE MUSICAL IS BACK!!!" (this alone fucking ruined my night)
"Blah blah blah, video clips, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, blah blah blah, Dark Knight, Heath Ledger, Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E, blah, blah, blah."

As I say, it's still on so that's only what I've got so far. Sorry to leave you with such a cliffhanger ending. As for the red carpet, that was just jam-packed so full of useless shit I'd like to go about forgetting all about it.

How do people endure this fucking snore-a-thon every year?