My Rainbow Shirt

That's not my shirt. In fact my rainbow shirt looks nothing like that. And truth be told, I like my rainbow shirt. I just can't stand people commenting on it. Hmmmm...people commenting on a rainbow shirt. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm sure anyone reading this has, at one time, purchased an article of clothing and realized in hindsight that it maybe wasn't such a good idea. Such is the case with my rainbow shirt.

If you have seen my rainbow shirt and have thought of commenting on it, or if you know someone who would like to comment on it, please direct yourself or that person to the following two sentences:

a) No, I am not gay.
b) Yes, I realize I look like a fucking rainbow.

The whole reason I bought the shirt (sever years ago now) was because I was at a point in my life where I desired only the brightest, most colourful clothes I could find. I thought that was a cool style and though I dress more conservatively now, the rainbow shirt remains. It has nothing to do with sexuality or wanting to look like a weather phenomenon. These days I only wear the shirt because it's a fucking shirt and it fits.

Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker about how he was "quitting smoking cold turkey tomorrow". A couple days later he was out smoking again. I haven't commented on it, nor will I because I assume he's dealt with a bunch of cute remarks from other people already. I figure he's got to be sick of it.

Will others follow my example? Can't people just assume that I've heard all the cutesy "gay" and "rainbow" comments from enough people already and just leave it alone?

No, I'm not going to stop wearing the shirt for fear that someone will mistake my sexuality. Like I said, it's a shirt, it fits, and it's comfortable. That's a good reason to wear a shirt as far as I'm concerned. I am, however, fully open to any witty retorts I can dish out to these dimwits so they'll think twice about making remarks about someone's shirt.


...Sorry, folks, I've got too much shit going on tonight to put any real effort into an update.

Inadvertently Wearing Matching Colours

Unless it's black. This must be one of my little quirks, but it annoys me. I can't stand throwing on an outfit and then discovering that my shirt and pants are the exact same colour. Black is OK though. In fact, all black looks very classy.

I honestly don't know why it gets on my nerves. Maybe subconsciously I relate it to wearing a tracksuit. They often look dumb to me. Maybe it's a subconscious gender role issue with me. I've been conditioned to believe that men just throw shit on and leave the house and women put effort and care into the outfit they're wearing. If I end up wearing matching colours people will think I put some actual thought into what I'm wearing and consider me girly! Can't have that.

Brown is iffy but acceptable for me. On one hand I feel like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, which would almost make total brownness not only acceptable but encouraged. But on the other hand, UPS had to come along and rain on that parade of awesomeness. Because when you wear all brown people don't come up to you and say, "Whoa! You look like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, man!" They say, "Haha, hey Mr. UPS Man!" Bastards.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. Exploring space and meeting Martians were the only two things I wanted to do with my life. That was until I discovered that spacesuits were all white! Or maybe orange or sometimes blue. But that was it for me. I knew that I'd never be an astronaut and I sobbed for weeks. And I knew that I could never fall back on being a serial killer because sooner or later I'd end up in an orange prison jumpsuit.

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.

Fashion Shit

OK, maybe I'm ignorant, I don't know. If you want to defend fashion shit, be my guest, but for now, here's my take on it.

One question: why does anyone pay attention to this meaningless garbage? Ah hell, here are more questions. Why is there a television channel devoted solely to fashion? Who is watching it? Can we find them a soul?

Why do people need to be told what to wear? Why do they need to be told what's in and what's out this fall season? Are these people insecure? Why do they need to obsess over fashion styles?

Christ, it's clothing. Put a fucking shirt on, go out, and find yourself a job. Fashion flair is not important. Have you seen some of the things these models come out wearing? Some of them come out dressed like peacocks or mermaids or some shit. Seriously, I never see anyone wearing this stuff besides the blank people on the runway. And if I ever did, "stylish and sexy" wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. It would be something more like "rich, snotty cunt."

And why do catalogues have massive sections with endless pictures of coats? They're all the same. You've seen them, the perfect smiling family of four wearing their winter coats, tossing fake snow at each other. That's not even reality. Reality would be a picture of the two kids rolling around in the slushy driveway fighting over a DS with half a snow-fort in the background. And dad would be inside watching syndicated episodes of Two and a Half Men while chain smoking Newports.

Back to coats though. You want to know what my coat looks like. Picture a brown, corduroy jacket from 1976 with half the ridges worn away. It has no buttons left and there is a big gash that has grown out of a small hole where one of the buttons used to be. This is pretty much my coat, only mine is way shittier. It truly is the jacket of a homeless man. But I stick by it because...right, it's a fucking coat. It keeps me warm. It's doing it's job. I'm not attempting to impress Her Majesty here.

Stop treating these fashion experts all over the media like they're walking capsules of class and sophistication. They're wasting their time with nonsense and someone needs to find them a real hobby fast.