T-Shirts from Fundraisers

T-Shirts given out at fundraising events are a gigantic waste of cloth as far as I'm concerned. Who actually wears these things? When someone hands you one of these shirts they're not saying "Thanks for your support! Here's a little something to show our appreciation!"

What they're really saying is, "Have a nice trip to the Salvation Army!"

Because that's where all of these shirts inevitably end up. Don't believe me? Go to your local Salvation Army store or thrift shop and have a look at the t-shirt section. 95 percent of the shirts in there say "Becel Ride for Heart 1997!" on them with a bunch of insurance company logos printed underneath. If "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" didn't exist, the t-shirt section at thrift stores would be about 8-12 hangers on a doorknob.

And if the t-shirts don't end up a a thrift store? Well, there's always room for them to become sleeping gear, exercise gear, or for the truly daring, a wank rag. Could Planned Parenthood logically disapprove of people jizzing into their t-shirts?

The only people I ever see wearing fundraiser t-shirts in public are people who also wearing a fanny pack and shorts that are riding way too high. They all go to the supermarket specifically to "hang out" on the bench by the door and chat with you about their elderly parents' health problems. Creepy.

Do we really need to keep printing these eyesores?

The Wearable Towel

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha! Losers!

Honestly, I think if I'm ever having a slow idea night I'm just going to go into the infomercial vaults. Not that tonight is a slow idea night. There is just no shortage of completely inane products.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a wearable towel and this is coming from they guy that wore some pretty questionable clothing in high school and college. I wouldn't even want anyone to know I owned a wearable towel, let alone wore one. It's just so gosh darn embarrassing.

This is a females' product if anything. Some girls, let's face it, just buy some completely retarded things. If a girl wore this thing it would be downright dumb, but understandable on some level. But a man? I reckon any guy wearing one of these is automatically a huge douche.

Really, the guy getting the morning paper made the whole commercial for me. He gets the "Asshat of the Year Award" for sure. If that guy was my neighbour I would kick him in the balls and then promptly pack my shit up and move. I wouldn't want anyone to think we were friends or anything. That could severely ruin a guy's reputation.

But wearable towel aside, why would you even need to wear a normal towel when you're getting the paper? Are you spending several hours each day in a towel? Honestly, shower, dry off, and put some damn clothes on. Why anyone would need to wear a towel outside is beyond me. Trust me, your neighbours couldn't give two shits about your six-pack if that's what this is about. Cover up.

I'm not really sure which is worse, the wearable towel or the wearable blanket (Snuggie). Both of them are basically the same thing and both of them are completely unnecessary. And they're both bought buy the same two groups of people:

1) College kids who think the product is so stupid that they order one as a joke among friends. It arrives and it's funny for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

2) Empty-headed people who are convinced the product is a good idea and they will use it on a regular basis. It arrives and it's fun for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

My only regret about the wearable towel commercial is that none of the chicks were going toga style. That would have been the one thing that could have made this product somewhat reasonable. As it stands though....waste of money.

My Rainbow Shirt

That's not my shirt. In fact my rainbow shirt looks nothing like that. And truth be told, I like my rainbow shirt. I just can't stand people commenting on it. Hmmmm...people commenting on a rainbow shirt. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm sure anyone reading this has, at one time, purchased an article of clothing and realized in hindsight that it maybe wasn't such a good idea. Such is the case with my rainbow shirt.

If you have seen my rainbow shirt and have thought of commenting on it, or if you know someone who would like to comment on it, please direct yourself or that person to the following two sentences:

a) No, I am not gay.
b) Yes, I realize I look like a fucking rainbow.

The whole reason I bought the shirt (sever years ago now) was because I was at a point in my life where I desired only the brightest, most colourful clothes I could find. I thought that was a cool style and though I dress more conservatively now, the rainbow shirt remains. It has nothing to do with sexuality or wanting to look like a weather phenomenon. These days I only wear the shirt because it's a fucking shirt and it fits.

Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker about how he was "quitting smoking cold turkey tomorrow". A couple days later he was out smoking again. I haven't commented on it, nor will I because I assume he's dealt with a bunch of cute remarks from other people already. I figure he's got to be sick of it.

Will others follow my example? Can't people just assume that I've heard all the cutesy "gay" and "rainbow" comments from enough people already and just leave it alone?

No, I'm not going to stop wearing the shirt for fear that someone will mistake my sexuality. Like I said, it's a shirt, it fits, and it's comfortable. That's a good reason to wear a shirt as far as I'm concerned. I am, however, fully open to any witty retorts I can dish out to these dimwits so they'll think twice about making remarks about someone's shirt.


...Sorry, folks, I've got too much shit going on tonight to put any real effort into an update.

Inadvertently Wearing Matching Colours

Unless it's black. This must be one of my little quirks, but it annoys me. I can't stand throwing on an outfit and then discovering that my shirt and pants are the exact same colour. Black is OK though. In fact, all black looks very classy.

I honestly don't know why it gets on my nerves. Maybe subconsciously I relate it to wearing a tracksuit. They often look dumb to me. Maybe it's a subconscious gender role issue with me. I've been conditioned to believe that men just throw shit on and leave the house and women put effort and care into the outfit they're wearing. If I end up wearing matching colours people will think I put some actual thought into what I'm wearing and consider me girly! Can't have that.

Brown is iffy but acceptable for me. On one hand I feel like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, which would almost make total brownness not only acceptable but encouraged. But on the other hand, UPS had to come along and rain on that parade of awesomeness. Because when you wear all brown people don't come up to you and say, "Whoa! You look like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, man!" They say, "Haha, hey Mr. UPS Man!" Bastards.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. Exploring space and meeting Martians were the only two things I wanted to do with my life. That was until I discovered that spacesuits were all white! Or maybe orange or sometimes blue. But that was it for me. I knew that I'd never be an astronaut and I sobbed for weeks. And I knew that I could never fall back on being a serial killer because sooner or later I'd end up in an orange prison jumpsuit.

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.

My Shoe-Shopping Experience

Today I decided that I couldn't put it off another day. I had to go and buy new shoes. This was no casual shoe-shopping venture. This was a code red, "you should get down here now if you want to say your goodbyes" footwear emergency. A critical, shoes-aren't-going-to-last-the-hour situation. NFL running back Ryan Moats got nabbed by the cops as he sped to see my shoes one last time. He didn't make it. That's how bad my shoes were.

Now, I swear by Chuck Taylors and have been for years. It's a comfortable shoe despite failing in the waterproof department. It's one of the few types of shoes that don't look completely out of place on me. Dirty hippies don't wear Air Jordans very often. So I wanted a new pair of Chucks.

I haven't bought a new pair in probably 3-4 years. And I guess things have changed since I went shoe-shopping last. I went to the "B-list" sports store where I got my last pair and walked to the the shoe section as the sole of my left shoe clopped along the floor, slowly but surely breaking away from the rest of the shoe. My left shoe looked like this, only the rip went further, all the way around the back to the outside of the shoe.

When I got to the shoe section, I walked up and down the display wall several times, seeing heaps of overly flashy basketball shoes, but no Chucks. What the fuck? Ironically, the basketball shoe has been discontinued and all that's left is a bunch of bullshit shiny crap.

A little bit annoyed, I left the store because I had driven over half an hour to the other side of a busy, lunch-hour town. I drove back through town to the mall that would have only taken me 15 minutes to get to originally. I wondered to myself which stores would be best to check first because most stores would be bloody expensive. I'm a thrift store shopper and I'm used to buying hobo clothes for 5 dollars or less.

Zellers, Sears, and the Bay all had nothing. I should note that a guy like me generally seems out of place in any store in the mall besides the music store. I discovered that the Bay is not exactly targeted towards my kind. I feel quite certain that the store was ready to inform the police department of a young man shuffling through the perfume department, appearing homeless and possibly on narcotics. It's a presentable women's store, is my point.

At this time I realize I'm left with the choice of going home and improvising some serious shoe repair or manning up and visiting a sports store in the mall. My left shoe is about to buy the farm here. I'm either leaving the mall with a new pair of shoes on my feet or I'm going to be walking back to the car in my socks. Fuck it, I go to Foot Locker.

Me experience there wasn't as horrible as it could have been, but I still felt uncomfortable. I spotted the familiar canvas shoe on the top shelf and looked around for "friendly customer assistance." There were two girls working there and one was helping someone else. I talked to the other and she said she was helping someone as well. So I waited by my future shoes. And waited. These were two heavy-duty customers apparently. But no biggie. I didn't have to be anywhere.

Finally the girl I didn't talk to before came over and asked me if I needed help. I told her what size and what shoe I was looking for and waited while she searched the so-called "locker" in the back. I picture a school locker only many sizes larger and all the shoes are kept inside, secured by a giant novelty padlock.

As I was waiting all this time I had to listen to shitty, Auto-Tuned, R&B or whatever they're calling it. You know, with some suave black guy singing soulfully over horrid beats and saying "Girrrl" a lot? They always wear sunglasses and have thin beards? No?

Well, I got my shoes and they fit well and all the rest. The girl said she'd ring them up at the front and I proceeded to change back into my old shoes. RRRIIPP. Not happening. As I put my left shoe on, it came to terms with itself and walked into the light at the end of the tunnel. Not a second too soon, I thought. I'd be wearing the new shoes right out of the store.

I walked up to the register with my shoes under my arm and there's someone paying. After a second I realize they're not paying. They're bitching. Trying to get a refund. Just perfect. The girl is telling this guy store policies and apologizing and all the rest and he just isn't getting it. After a minute he realizes there is a homeless-looking kid standing behind him in sock feet. Maybe he has a stroke of sympathy and reflects on the sad state of this world in which a person so, so young has finally scrimped up enough money to afford a pair of shoes. But he let me go ahead of him. And I thought, "Take that, personal hygiene!"

Thankfully the shoes weren't overly expensive. At least not as much as I thought I might be paying at Foot Locker. Plus I used a gift card so I didn't pay that much at all. But this experience has taught me that I should give my shoes some time to enjoy retirement. My left shoe died in battle today as it dreamed of playing shuffleboard in Florida. It's something no shoe or it's family should ever have to go through.

Fashion Shit

OK, maybe I'm ignorant, I don't know. If you want to defend fashion shit, be my guest, but for now, here's my take on it.

One question: why does anyone pay attention to this meaningless garbage? Ah hell, here are more questions. Why is there a television channel devoted solely to fashion? Who is watching it? Can we find them a soul?

Why do people need to be told what to wear? Why do they need to be told what's in and what's out this fall season? Are these people insecure? Why do they need to obsess over fashion styles?

Christ, it's clothing. Put a fucking shirt on, go out, and find yourself a job. Fashion flair is not important. Have you seen some of the things these models come out wearing? Some of them come out dressed like peacocks or mermaids or some shit. Seriously, I never see anyone wearing this stuff besides the blank people on the runway. And if I ever did, "stylish and sexy" wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. It would be something more like "rich, snotty cunt."

And why do catalogues have massive sections with endless pictures of coats? They're all the same. You've seen them, the perfect smiling family of four wearing their winter coats, tossing fake snow at each other. That's not even reality. Reality would be a picture of the two kids rolling around in the slushy driveway fighting over a DS with half a snow-fort in the background. And dad would be inside watching syndicated episodes of Two and a Half Men while chain smoking Newports.

Back to coats though. You want to know what my coat looks like. Picture a brown, corduroy jacket from 1976 with half the ridges worn away. It has no buttons left and there is a big gash that has grown out of a small hole where one of the buttons used to be. This is pretty much my coat, only mine is way shittier. It truly is the jacket of a homeless man. But I stick by it because...right, it's a fucking coat. It keeps me warm. It's doing it's job. I'm not attempting to impress Her Majesty here.

Stop treating these fashion experts all over the media like they're walking capsules of class and sophistication. They're wasting their time with nonsense and someone needs to find them a real hobby fast.

Flat-brimmed Hats

If Bizarro World actually does exist, I'm quite sure I've unknowingly ventured into it at some point in my life. The tip off would have to be flat-brimmed baseball caps and if they never came to be, I'd never have known.

Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, if you had the balls to pull this crap off, your ass would be kicked before second period was through. Flat-brimmed caps were the fashion statement that announced to your peers, "Look at me! I'm a complete square! Fresh meat, right here!"

When I was a kid, this was your baseball cap and often times it looked even worse. If you weren't rocking a torn-up, sweat-stained, dirty Leafs cap with a curve that looked that the top of a coffee mug, you weren't cool.

But time passed and urban/hip hop culture prevailed and here we are in an era where this shit is the bee's knees. When I was 10, black kids didn't even wear hats. Then again, I live in the whitest town in Canada. But now every unenlightened Soulja Boy wannabe is walking around with these fashion atrocities on their heads. I mean, if flat-brimmed hats are an undisputed absolute necessity in our stupid world, give 'em to the black kids. They still look ridiculous wearing them, but they pull it off a thousand times better than any white kid. White kids wearing flat-brimmed hats are a sure sign that inbreeding is running rampant in our society. I can think of no other reason for this shit.

I must be getting older. When I was a teenager, I didn't understand teenagers. At this point I understand them even less. I understand that they do these things to be cool and fashionable, but I don't understand WHY people find these things cool. Why is no curve in your hat cool? Why are spotless, white shoes cool? Why are grills cool? Grills, holy fuck. If it takes you five minutes for you to explain to me why flat-brimmed hats are fashionable, it's going to take you about 9 days to get grills through my head.

This is actually starting to make my head spin so I'm just going to go ahead and blame Soulja Boy. I'm lazy and I need a scapegoat. So screw you, Soulja Boy, you're the reason our kids are so fucking goofy looking. While I'm at it, I'll blame the economy on you too, for no particular reason. I'm sick of thinking of that as well so I might as well kill two birds with one stone.