DVD Slip Cases

They're irritating. What is the point? The DVD is in a hard case, it's got sticky anti-theft stuff around the edges, and it's wrapped in plastic. Why is there a need for these cardboard cases?

The only thing that happens is I take the DVD case out and then throw the slip case into a corner somewhere because I don't have the heart to throw it away. I feel like it's part of the DVD. It's like throwing out a book after reading it. Sure, I've already read it, but it doesn't seem appropriate to just throw it away. So I keep it.

I mean, with all the talk about saving the environment, how about we not bullshit carbon tax people and maybe think about cutting out all of this extraneous packaging that's everywhere, not just on DVDs. It's fucking useless. I buy a pair of headphones and by the time I've got them out my garbage can is overflowing. All of it adds up. Just gimme the headphones and cut out the bullshit shell casing and paper and cardboard and twist ties. Fuck.

Like, you're taking a DVD with a picture on the cover and putting it inside a piece of cardboard with the exact same picture on it. It's completely pointless. A bunch of decoration isn't going to make the movie more enjoyable. Cut the crap already.

Corporations Trying to Sell Me "Happiness"

I'm no stranger to basic marketing techniques. I'm no expert, but I'm no stranger either. I know that when I watch TV commercials I'm not simply being shown a 30 second video of a person with a product. I know that every minor detail is fine tuned to appeal to my subconscious desires. But I still watch the occasional hour of TV anyway and just keep mental notes of companies that are evil (nearly all of them) so I can avoid buying their products.

Today some poor ad placement made one of these marketing techniques stand out a lot more than it should have. Instead of just watching the commercials knowing that my subconscious was being attacked with suggestions but not quite knowing what they were, I found myself going, "AHA! I'm on to you, Corporate America!"

See, the first ad I saw was the French's ad above. 40% more happy in each bottle? Who the hell is on the marketing team at French's? The 8 year-old narrator's schoolyard chums? God, I beg that it's true because if I owned French's I'd be a little concerned over the fact that my adult marketing people couldn't even use the English language properly. The term you're looking for is "happiness". But I digress.

The ad immediately following it was a Coca Cola ad ended with:

Perfect. I mean, at first I was worried. I was beginning to get frustrated when I kept running out of happy without warning using the old French's mustard. And then I saw that they were adding 40% more happy. THANK GOD!!! No more tear-filled nights in the bathroom with the razor blades because I've run out of mustard! It's like, when I reach the point where I'd normally be hacking away at my skin...now I have more happy to get me through!

But then I thought...what if I forget about that 40% more and use the whole bottle of mustard like it only has 100% happy?! Great Scott, no! I'd be a wreck! But then, a light from heaven. Coca Cola: Open Happiness.

NO WAY! Another product, a SECOND product that delivers happiness?! I'm saved! When it's 2:30am, the grocery store is closed, and my "40% more happy" French's mustard is farting, all I need to do is run down to the corner store for a Coke to squash those suicidal thoughts! I can't believe it! Out of the millions of products in this world, TWO of them actually deliver happiness! What an age we live in...

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I want to let French's and Coke know...you're not being subliminal enough. People aren't supposed to catch on to your marketing trickery. They're supposed to watch your ads and promptly march like zombies to the store to buy your product with the thought that they need it, but not sure why.

Unless the media's dumbed people down so much that corporations don't even need to be slick anymore. "Buy it, sucker, it makes you feel good and yada yada yada." That'll soon be the type of slogan every commercial ends with and people will still eat that shit up.

All I ask is that you subject me to your mind control without my knowledge or consent like any good corporation or government agency would do. Stop blatantly advertising the emotions your products undoubtedly evoke. When you do that, it hints to me that you think I'm dumb enough that you can just skip the psychological toying around and cut right to the chase and it's actually a little insulting.

Please just meddle with my mind! I don't care if I end up with a house full of crap I don't need. At least I'll feel smart.

Beggin' Strips Commercials

Ladies and gentlemen, this dog does not need bacon. He obviously needs rehab. Clearly we should not be feeding our pets this much cocaine. If Rover wants to have a little toot at a party, so be it, but I get the feeling he's sniffing up several eightballs a day.

So the dog gets all jacked up and tears through the house and the family is completely indifferent to the havoc he wreaks. If my dog jumped on my nads while I was sleeping he'd have a one-way ticket to the farm coming his way. Even his obnoxious inner monologue is high. It sounds like Gilbert Gottfried in a speed-talking competition and that's something I could do without.

And then we've got the baby-talking mom with the big smile on her face. Her mushy-cushy atttude towards the dog's spazzy behaviour just annoys me. Instead of pampering him and giving him a fix she should be telling him to calm the fuck down and then phoning an obedience school. The dog has problems.

Another thing that irritates me: the dog jummps onto the stove in both commercials? How irresponsible of the family. What if the stove had been turned on and in Rover's coke-fuelled craze, he scorched his ass? Well...I guess that would be learning the hard way not to act like a jackass in the house.

And another thing: the most pressing issue in this perky family's world is that bacon's popular? It was on the news so it must be true. I actually kind of want to live in that family's world. Apparently they're not fighting a war or freaking out over swine flu. Awesome!

So what have we learned? Dogs and blow don't mix.

The Wearable Towel

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha! Losers!

Honestly, I think if I'm ever having a slow idea night I'm just going to go into the infomercial vaults. Not that tonight is a slow idea night. There is just no shortage of completely inane products.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a wearable towel and this is coming from they guy that wore some pretty questionable clothing in high school and college. I wouldn't even want anyone to know I owned a wearable towel, let alone wore one. It's just so gosh darn embarrassing.

This is a females' product if anything. Some girls, let's face it, just buy some completely retarded things. If a girl wore this thing it would be downright dumb, but understandable on some level. But a man? I reckon any guy wearing one of these is automatically a huge douche.

Really, the guy getting the morning paper made the whole commercial for me. He gets the "Asshat of the Year Award" for sure. If that guy was my neighbour I would kick him in the balls and then promptly pack my shit up and move. I wouldn't want anyone to think we were friends or anything. That could severely ruin a guy's reputation.

But wearable towel aside, why would you even need to wear a normal towel when you're getting the paper? Are you spending several hours each day in a towel? Honestly, shower, dry off, and put some damn clothes on. Why anyone would need to wear a towel outside is beyond me. Trust me, your neighbours couldn't give two shits about your six-pack if that's what this is about. Cover up.

I'm not really sure which is worse, the wearable towel or the wearable blanket (Snuggie). Both of them are basically the same thing and both of them are completely unnecessary. And they're both bought buy the same two groups of people:

1) College kids who think the product is so stupid that they order one as a joke among friends. It arrives and it's funny for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

2) Empty-headed people who are convinced the product is a good idea and they will use it on a regular basis. It arrives and it's fun for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

My only regret about the wearable towel commercial is that none of the chicks were going toga style. That would have been the one thing that could have made this product somewhat reasonable. As it stands though....waste of money.

Jimi Hendrix Energy Drink

OK, look, I'm not going to get all worked up about this. I'm not going to go around shrieking "How dare you use Jimi's legacy to sell stupid crap to people?! He wasn't about that, man!" I'm not going to become one of those people that thinks they know what a dead celebrity would have wanted. Hell, maybe if Jimi were alive today he'd be all for his own energy drink. I don't know and neither does anyone else. I'm well aware that Jimi's likeness and legacy has been used to sell other stuff. This is not the first time this has happened so getting overly worked up is just kind of pointless.

But after all that is said, I just think it's a stupid idea. Apparently this is old news, but I just heard about it today. It's just dumb. How does Hendrix have anything to do with caffeinated beverages? It doesn't make any sense. If you must use Hendrix to sell something, why not make a product that actually relates to him? Put his face on a guitar or a headband or tabs of acid.

Beverages? I don't know, I guess you could put his picture on bottles of liquor. But you'd have to sell them with little baggies of barbiturates attached to the neck to really get the point across. An energy drink...I mean, you might as well sell Janis Joplin's Long Distance Savings. I just don't see any correlation between the two.

Why do we need more energy drinks anyway? Energy drinks are garbage and there are too many of them as it is. I never choose energy drinks for the pep, always just the flavour. They don't even work. At least not for me. Maybe they work for some people, but I'm willing to bet that a lot of the people who think they work are just experiencing a placebo affect. I mean, I've gulped down energy drinks and then gone to bed 20 minutes later. For me, I enjoy the taste, but I'm not about to claim that they're giving me a boost.

I like Hendrix as much as the next guy but I'm not going to run out and buy a drink just because his picture is on it. I'd rather spend years learning to play the guitar until I was better than Jimi ever was. Then I'd get my own god dammed energy drink. And on launch day I'd exclaim "Ha! You fucking morons! You'd all drink my piss if I sold it to you in a can, wouldn't you?" People will buy anything.

Yeah, Jimi's picture will be used to sell other stupid crap in the future. I'm not going to throw a hissy fit every time this happens. I just want you to know in advance that I think it's fucking nonsense.

Stupid Products: Go Girl and Fundies

Some people like me will, on occasion, just be sitting around the house when an idea will pop into their head. Maybe this idea come when they're inconvenienced. Maybe this idea will be for...a new product? Maybe it'll be a really good idea like the printing press and they'll declare to themselves, "Brilliant!" with a finger pointed to the sky. Maybe it'll be a really stupid idea like Fundies and they'll declare to themselves, "Brilliant!" with a finger pointed to the sky. Well, unfortunately there are a lot of dumb people out there.

Today, two of the latest "dumbest products ever" I've just come upon, the Go Girl and Fundies. Let's start with the Go Girl.

The Go Girl is for women who want to pee like men. Looking at the picture above, I think you'll be able to figure out pretty quickly how it works. OK, I get that squatting is not easy or convenient. But how often are you going to be taking a piss, thinking to yourself, "Man, I wish I had a vag funnel right now"? The fact is that most girls probably do not need this product because most of the time they have access to a toilet. And when they don't, I mean, couldn't you suck it up one time and just squat instead of wasting $5?

And what if you're accidentally spotted using one or you spot someone else using one? That's going to be an awkward conversation the next time you see them. You either have to discuss transsexuality or piss funnels with them. Count me out.

The most disturbing piece of news I've read on this so far comes from the Go Girl's creator Sarah Dillon who "encouraged women to "have fun with" the product, which comes with a funnel attachment for mess-free relief." Go away. The last thing I want to read about is women having fun using their pissing devices. Have fun? What does that mean? Throw a Go Girl theme party? *shudder*

OK, now on to Fundies. Yes, folks, one of the most important inventions of our lives, underwear for two. Golly, I thought it would never arrive.

Maybe it's because I haven't tried it out and discovered how much fun it really is, but this just seems like a really fucking stupid idea. I get how it's supposed to be sexy, but it just looks like an assload of impracticality. You can't do much inside them. I can picture a couple trying to move in them and falling and "sexy" resulting in a broken hip. You could probably have awkward sex in them but what's the point? Who would choose awkward sex in Fundies over total-freedom, bare-ass banging action?

The slogan for Fundies is "Half the fun is getting in them, the other half's up to you." I suspect this isn't so much the Fundies people being "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" with us. This sounds like they invented the underwear and then it occurred to them, "So...great job and all.....but what the fuck are you supposed to do with them?"

The Fundies people are just taking a great idea and turning it into something dumb. What they should be doing is going after these fucking whales of human beings. I'm sure these people have a hard enough time trying to find underwear that fits. All you need to do is stop calling it underwear for two and just call it underwear for one.

Because heaven knows there are more fat people who need underwear out there than couples looking to make their sex life more awkward.