Steven Tyler

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Corporations Trying to Sell Me "Happiness"

I'm no stranger to basic marketing techniques. I'm no expert, but I'm no stranger either. I know that when I watch TV commercials I'm not simply being shown a 30 second video of a person with a product. I know that every minor detail is fine tuned to appeal to my subconscious desires. But I still watch the occasional hour of TV anyway and just keep mental notes of companies that are evil (nearly all of them) so I can avoid buying their products.

Today some poor ad placement made one of these marketing techniques stand out a lot more than it should have. Instead of just watching the commercials knowing that my subconscious was being attacked with suggestions but not quite knowing what they were, I found myself going, "AHA! I'm on to you, Corporate America!"

See, the first ad I saw was the French's ad above. 40% more happy in each bottle? Who the hell is on the marketing team at French's? The 8 year-old narrator's schoolyard chums? God, I beg that it's true because if I owned French's I'd be a little concerned over the fact that my adult marketing people couldn't even use the English language properly. The term you're looking for is "happiness". But I digress.

The ad immediately following it was a Coca Cola ad ended with:

Perfect. I mean, at first I was worried. I was beginning to get frustrated when I kept running out of happy without warning using the old French's mustard. And then I saw that they were adding 40% more happy. THANK GOD!!! No more tear-filled nights in the bathroom with the razor blades because I've run out of mustard! It's like, when I reach the point where I'd normally be hacking away at my skin...now I have more happy to get me through!

But then I thought...what if I forget about that 40% more and use the whole bottle of mustard like it only has 100% happy?! Great Scott, no! I'd be a wreck! But then, a light from heaven. Coca Cola: Open Happiness.

NO WAY! Another product, a SECOND product that delivers happiness?! I'm saved! When it's 2:30am, the grocery store is closed, and my "40% more happy" French's mustard is farting, all I need to do is run down to the corner store for a Coke to squash those suicidal thoughts! I can't believe it! Out of the millions of products in this world, TWO of them actually deliver happiness! What an age we live in...

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I want to let French's and Coke know...you're not being subliminal enough. People aren't supposed to catch on to your marketing trickery. They're supposed to watch your ads and promptly march like zombies to the store to buy your product with the thought that they need it, but not sure why.

Unless the media's dumbed people down so much that corporations don't even need to be slick anymore. "Buy it, sucker, it makes you feel good and yada yada yada." That'll soon be the type of slogan every commercial ends with and people will still eat that shit up.

All I ask is that you subject me to your mind control without my knowledge or consent like any good corporation or government agency would do. Stop blatantly advertising the emotions your products undoubtedly evoke. When you do that, it hints to me that you think I'm dumb enough that you can just skip the psychological toying around and cut right to the chase and it's actually a little insulting.

Please just meddle with my mind! I don't care if I end up with a house full of crap I don't need. At least I'll feel smart.