Assholes on Their Cell Phones at the Checkout Counter

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, IDIOT! MOVE IT! YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCK!

I see this from time to time and it truly does piss me off. I saw one today as a matter of fact. These morons chatting on their cell phones while waiting in line and continuing to do so while paying. How fucking impolite can you be?

These self-absorbed fucks don't even have the common decency to pull themselves away from their MEANINGLESS FUCKING CONVERSATIONS to greet the cashier and get out of there in a timely fashion like an NORMAL FUCKING PERSON! Gaaaah!

Let me clue you into something that apparently you're unaware of. The cashier you're completely ignoring....he's a person. Not a change machine. He has feelings too and he probably doesn't appreciate you treating him like a lesser person so you can continue to gab to your fat girlfriends about the pedicure you just got.

Perhaps you haven't been well versed in how these situations work. Let me help you out.

Step 1 - Grow a clue. (quite possibly the most important step)
Step 2 - Tell whoever you're yakking to that you choose to develop of reputation of "not a complete asshole" and you'll have to put the phone down for 20 seconds.
Step 3 - Smile.
Step 4 - Greet cashier.
Step 5 - Pay.
Step 6 - Move the fuck out of the way so others can pay.

It's that simple. Surely you're able to get a grasp on that. If you can't, I'm stunned that you have the mental capacity to buy a shitty cell phone in the first place.

For fuck's sake, stop being so self-centred, stop being so loud and obnoxious and nasally, and put down the phone for 20 god damned seconds. Thank you.

Hallmark Holidays

Yeah, it's Father's Day and I'm here to sound like an asshole again. With all due respect to my parents, I'm sick of being guilted into buying shit. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are just stupid. How did we get to the point where it's basically a requirement to buy someone some piece of useless crap to celebrate otherwise you're cheap and a dickhead?

I'm stuck in this commercial trap and it's a nightmare. I want to just tell my parents I love them and thank them for pissing away their awesome lives to raise a little terror. And if I have children, (which is a "dream" on the horizon at this point), I'd expect them to do the same. How does a fucking GPS system tell dad you love him? If my son got me a GPS system I'd sit him down, tell him to take that overpriced piece of shit back to Best Buy, and make him write "I love you, Dad" on a post-it note. All of these electonics they're whoring out don't say "I love you and thanks", they say, "I'm a cluless fuck who got duped by the marketing machine once again."

But no, if I simply say "I love you and thanks" there's a long pause and the other person stares at me as if to say, "...there's a gift coming too, right?" Damn it, this is why I hate Christmas too! I can't opt out of the dumbass "buy a bunch of shit" tradition without being "cheap." Aaargh! Father's Day! It's supposed to be about letting your father know you appreciate him, not supporting big-box stores.

And besides, my dad hates all the electronic crap that all the commercials are saying he'll love. My dad's kind of like me (or vice versa), the only difference is that I bitch about everything and he basically just ignores it. But we both use very little. Neither one of us needs more stupid shit. People buy us stupid shit all the time because...well, I've already been over that...and we don't need it! Nobody does! Fuck iPods and Blackberries and cell phones and toasters and TVs and all of these damned gizmos they're pumping out at an alarming rate. It's all stupid shit.

I say, down with stupid shit and let's take Father's Day back from advertisers.

The Lowe's Help Button

If you're not aware, the Help Button is a service that Lowe's has. In every aisle they have a button that you can press that alerts the staff members that there is someone in that aisle that needs assistance. Please.

Let me just say that I'm sick and tired of all this customer pampering that is ever increasing. I'm sick of people getting free shit from the movie store if the movie the want is out. I'm sick of complimentary coupons. I'm sick of playgrounds inside fast food restaurants. I'm sick of "your business is important to us." I'm sick of companies bending over backwards and trying to make things right for unhappy customers. It's turning us into a population of self-important assholes and people take advantage of it. Act unsatisfied, get some free shit.

Now, the Lowe's help button isn't giving people free shit, but it's another customer pampering device and that's why I don't like it. I know it'll rarely happen just because of business fundamentals, but just once I'd like to see some badass shop owner say, "Don't like my store? Take your pansy ass somewhere else then."

Is there something wrong with taking a walk around the store and finding some acne-ridden teenage employee who can help you? Is it that much of an inconvenience to actually do 20 seconds of work? If I had suggested 50 years ago to a hardware store employee that they should look into installing Help Buttons in each aisle to help customers, I would have been asked, "What, are your legs broken?"

I've never pushed a Lowe's Help Button and I assume I never will. Personally I'd feel like tool. Imagine that, a tool in a hardware store. I picture myself pushing the button and then smugly waiting there with my arms crossed, tapping my toe as a Lowe's worker approaches me with a look that says, "You. You lazy piece of shit. You fucking astound me."

Maybe I'm just a guy that likes to help people. I think I'm just practical. I don't feel the need to treat the employees of a store I'm visiting like shit. I don't feel like they're obligated to wait on me like I'm British royalty. I like to meet people halfway. If you're kind enough to take some time out to help me, I'll help you by going to find you, not by standing there paging you like an arrogant prick.

I'm not necessarily saying that we should completely abolish the Help Button, but there are certain things you can do with it that would deter people from using and abusing it. For example, how about when you press it the following is played through the store's intercom: "Attention Lowe's employees. There is, at this moment, a worthless excuse for a person who needs assistance in Aisle 8. Please treat them with care, as their fucking legs must be broken. We realize that you are likely busy with other more important things at the moment, but again, the lazy sumbitch in Aisle 8 has evidently decided that moving is too much work. I know, it sucks, but if you can take care of that...the boss will buy you a beer or something. Lowe's apologizes for this inconvenience and thanks our valuable customers who can actually be bothered to do shit for themselves. Have a great day!"

You'd probably think twice about pushing the Help Button if you knew the store was going to publicly call you a lazy sumbitch, huh? Public shaming kicks ass.

Fucking Stoners...

Damn it. I went into the store at 4:28 this afternoon hoping for this. Instead I saw this. It only happened to this one aisle too! They're like locusts.

Now the cashier is being treated for PTSD and I spent 3 hours slowly buying my munchies.

Sigh. Happy 4/20 everyone.