Hallmark Holidays

Yeah, it's Father's Day and I'm here to sound like an asshole again. With all due respect to my parents, I'm sick of being guilted into buying shit. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are just stupid. How did we get to the point where it's basically a requirement to buy someone some piece of useless crap to celebrate otherwise you're cheap and a dickhead?

I'm stuck in this commercial trap and it's a nightmare. I want to just tell my parents I love them and thank them for pissing away their awesome lives to raise a little terror. And if I have children, (which is a "dream" on the horizon at this point), I'd expect them to do the same. How does a fucking GPS system tell dad you love him? If my son got me a GPS system I'd sit him down, tell him to take that overpriced piece of shit back to Best Buy, and make him write "I love you, Dad" on a post-it note. All of these electonics they're whoring out don't say "I love you and thanks", they say, "I'm a cluless fuck who got duped by the marketing machine once again."

But no, if I simply say "I love you and thanks" there's a long pause and the other person stares at me as if to say, "...there's a gift coming too, right?" Damn it, this is why I hate Christmas too! I can't opt out of the dumbass "buy a bunch of shit" tradition without being "cheap." Aaargh! Father's Day! It's supposed to be about letting your father know you appreciate him, not supporting big-box stores.

And besides, my dad hates all the electronic crap that all the commercials are saying he'll love. My dad's kind of like me (or vice versa), the only difference is that I bitch about everything and he basically just ignores it. But we both use very little. Neither one of us needs more stupid shit. People buy us stupid shit all the time because...well, I've already been over that...and we don't need it! Nobody does! Fuck iPods and Blackberries and cell phones and toasters and TVs and all of these damned gizmos they're pumping out at an alarming rate. It's all stupid shit.

I say, down with stupid shit and let's take Father's Day back from advertisers.