Movie Musicals

I've got a few problems with movie musicals (obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this right now). Specifically movie musicals. The musicals I've seen performed live on stage have been, for the most part, extremely well-assembled and highly awesome.

Which segue's me nicely to my first beef: they're uncomfortably fake. "Well, no duh, they're fake," I hear you saying, and I get that. But movie musicals are what I'll call "fake squared". That's right, "Fake" with a little number 2 on the upper right.

Let me explain. When you see a musical on stage the plot is fake, but the performances are the real deal. The actors are carrying on with ridiculous shit that would never happen in real life (more on that later), but the beads of sweat trickling down their faces after the big number are real. Stage musicals are basically the equivalent of the High School Musical director showing up on Day 1 of shooting and telling everyone "I'm'a keep this camera rolling for 2 hours and that's all. One take. Whatever you do is going to theatres, so make it good."

Movie musicals, on the other hand, are fake shit upon more fake shit upon even more fake shit. The plot is fake, but that's normal for most movies. The behaviour is fake, by which I mean rival street gangs DO NOT fucking sing to each other and rumble in meticulously choreographed dance moves. And strike three is that the whole thing is filmed in parts and edited together. More fakery. A performer fucks everything up and you can just yell "Cut!" Pshaw to that!!!

And why are people in musicals always so dangerously happy about everything? Everyone's springing out of bed all doe-eyed and Ritalined up, throwing upper story windows wide open, and busting into song about sunshine and confectionary items. Good for you. You've succeeded once again in waking up. Now put on some damn coffee for Christ's sake. Some of us need it.

The worst part of a movie musical is when an actor sings the first line of a song. Because all that means to me is, "We were here just a second ago with conversation between characters that perhaps you were at least minutely interested in. Now please enjoy 3-4 minutes of crap that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot!"
When the singing starts, so does the sighing.

Lastly, there are way too many shaggy-haired prettyboys and overly made-up robo-bitches in anything made in the last decade. I'm looking at you, Disney.

Please, there is music and there are movies. Pick one and stick with it. No more of this "you got movie in my music, you got music in my movie" shit.

Deer God, Bambi's Dead!!!

Whyyyyy?!?! God whyyyyy?!?! You killed him, you asshole! Bambi's dead!

Today as I was driving along there was a car a little distance up in front of me. I could call it a night right now and just by those few sentences you'd know what happened. But where's the fun in that?

I saw a deer dart out in front of said car. It made it across. "Cool," I thought as my eyes wandered. Then as they focused back on the road I saw an animal on the road in the oncoming lane. As I passed...(gulp)...I...(sniffle)...

(choke)BAMBI!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD!!!

The innocent, bright-eyed Disney faun lay on the pavement writhing. The car that hit it was stopped a short distance up undamaged. And I just kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I should point out that it was noon and I'd been playing Dora the Explorer drinking games all morning. I was not in a good frame of mind as I opened by truck door, beer cans spilling out. I ran over to Bambi crying as cars swerved around me honking. I knelt down beside him and his glassy eye stared blankly into the sky. I slid the neck of a Jose Cuervo bottle into it's mouth and tilted it back.

"It'll be OK, little one," I sobbed, "it'll be OK."

I took a swig of Bambi's tequila and wrapped my arms around his neck. Between tears I choked out, "Looove is a song that never ends..." The police showed up soon after and questioned me about my public intoxication and my lack of pants. However, they saw that I was emotionally distressed and let me off with a warning.

Now here I sit sober as a goose (if you've never heard that expression it's because I just made it up now). I'm still traumatized. Next thing you know Aladdin's going to be stabbed to death by Abu. Mowgli's going to be kidnapped and forced into an illegal sex trade. Fantasia's acid will finally wear off after 70 years!

When will the madness end?! The humanity!!!

Hannah Montana

I was doing some research for another topic that quite honestly would have led to a very weak update. I've been fucking busy and flat out brain-drained for the past couple of days and it was getting down to the zero hour for tonight. Thankfully good ol' Hannah Montana swooped in and saved the day with her mediocrity.

See, I was trying to find Nickelback's Rock Star video and saw that Montana also has a song called Rock Star. And when a Disney artist sings about rock stars, red flags go up for me. I listened to it, and as I suspected, both Nickelback and Hannah Montana are in dangerous territory.

Nickelback can be forgiven because their whole song is about wanting to be a rock star. To me it's the first sensible thing they've done in their careers. I have issues with their awful fucking music and forced badboy image, but damn it, I respect them for being totally honest and admitting that they don't deserve to be seated at the "rock stars' table".

Hannah? She's even less of a rock star than the blokes in Nickelback and she's proclaiming that she is indeed, without question, a rock star! No, no, and no! 16-year old Disney-approved artists don't get to be rock stars unfortunately. Check in later when you're a little less clean-cut and have kicked a 7-year heroin habit that nearly killed you on several occasions. Get back to me when you can make me actually believe you're passionate about what you do instead of giving a me a bullshit fake wink and smile as you rattle off shitty lyrics about high school.

This is why I respect the hell out of Amy Winehouse even though everyone else apparently hates her. She's got a great voice and is dangerously close to kicking the bucket because of drugs. Voila. Winehouse, to me, is one of the few artists today keeping the spirit alive (the spirit being Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll). If she died tomorrow I wouldn't be one of those morons saying things like, "Gosh, that's so sad. Why'd a nice girl like that have to lose it all because of drugs?" I'd say, "Damn straight, Winehouse, you worked hard, you played hard, and you stuck it to the Man. I couldn't ask for anything more. Enjoy the flight to hell (because all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, of course)."

Anyway, I'm getting bored with this and I'm not telling you anything that Bill Hicks hasn't already said. Point is, Disney stars do not equal rock stars. Quite the opposite.

Screw it, I'll just post this, which tells it 1000X better than I have and promise you something much better for tomorrow.

These Fucking Talent Agent Commercials

Every few weeks Q107 plays a commercial advertising a different childrens' talent agent who will be in town to make her "next big discovery". It's always the same commercial, just with a different agent's name. Fuck you.

I really wish I had a sample of one of these commercials, but I don't. The never fail to piss me off though. It's always a bubbly announcer asking me if my child keeps bugging me to be on TV or in movies and telling me I should phone for an audition time. Every time the agent's credits include some bullshit Disney show/movie like High School Musical.

It honestly pains me a little bit to say it because I grew up with the Jungle Book and the Rescuers, but fuck Disney. Have you seen some of the low-brow diarrhea they're churning out these days? It's turning children into unenlightened robots. I'm sick of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's shit. I can't watch childrens' programming for more than 2 minutes these days without getting irate. I find myself wondering, "Did I watch stuff like this when I was a kid? Was I being brainwashed on such a massive scale?" Thank god my parents didn't let me have everything I saw on TV at the age when my mind was most vulnerable. I probably would have been a selfish, bitter little shit...

I'm getting way off topic. I think the real reason I hate these talent agent commercials is because I feel bad that innocent, vulnerable children have been conditioned to think that fame and acting and money are important. They think Miley Cyrus should be idolized. They think if they can get a part in a Disney production their lives will be complete. Keeping in mind that I'm not a child and this is just speculation. I feel really bad that children are being lied to and taken advantage of and, I'll say it again, conditioned.

Parents, discipline your kids and stop treating them little princes and princesses. Making a choice that causes your child to cry is not the end of the world. It's good for them. It teaches them that they can't have everything they want and prepares them for "the real world". If you give in to their every demand all you're doing is telling them that they're in charge and you're setting them up for some huge disappointments further down the line.

Getting to Disney shouldn't be the goal here. The idea that someone's big goal in life is to be part of a corporation upsets me. And I'm going to stop now because this update is going nowhere and it's god damn written like crap. Sorry.