Deer God, Bambi's Dead!!!

Whyyyyy?!?! God whyyyyy?!?! You killed him, you asshole! Bambi's dead!

Today as I was driving along there was a car a little distance up in front of me. I could call it a night right now and just by those few sentences you'd know what happened. But where's the fun in that?

I saw a deer dart out in front of said car. It made it across. "Cool," I thought as my eyes wandered. Then as they focused back on the road I saw an animal on the road in the oncoming lane. As I passed...(gulp)...I...(sniffle)...

(choke)BAMBI!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD!!!

The innocent, bright-eyed Disney faun lay on the pavement writhing. The car that hit it was stopped a short distance up undamaged. And I just kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I should point out that it was noon and I'd been playing Dora the Explorer drinking games all morning. I was not in a good frame of mind as I opened by truck door, beer cans spilling out. I ran over to Bambi crying as cars swerved around me honking. I knelt down beside him and his glassy eye stared blankly into the sky. I slid the neck of a Jose Cuervo bottle into it's mouth and tilted it back.

"It'll be OK, little one," I sobbed, "it'll be OK."

I took a swig of Bambi's tequila and wrapped my arms around his neck. Between tears I choked out, "Looove is a song that never ends..." The police showed up soon after and questioned me about my public intoxication and my lack of pants. However, they saw that I was emotionally distressed and let me off with a warning.

Now here I sit sober as a goose (if you've never heard that expression it's because I just made it up now). I'm still traumatized. Next thing you know Aladdin's going to be stabbed to death by Abu. Mowgli's going to be kidnapped and forced into an illegal sex trade. Fantasia's acid will finally wear off after 70 years!

When will the madness end?! The humanity!!!