Deer God, Bambi's Dead!!!

Whyyyyy?!?! God whyyyyy?!?! You killed him, you asshole! Bambi's dead!

Today as I was driving along there was a car a little distance up in front of me. I could call it a night right now and just by those few sentences you'd know what happened. But where's the fun in that?

I saw a deer dart out in front of said car. It made it across. "Cool," I thought as my eyes wandered. Then as they focused back on the road I saw an animal on the road in the oncoming lane. As I passed...(gulp)...I...(sniffle)...

(choke)BAMBI!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD!!!

The innocent, bright-eyed Disney faun lay on the pavement writhing. The car that hit it was stopped a short distance up undamaged. And I just kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I should point out that it was noon and I'd been playing Dora the Explorer drinking games all morning. I was not in a good frame of mind as I opened by truck door, beer cans spilling out. I ran over to Bambi crying as cars swerved around me honking. I knelt down beside him and his glassy eye stared blankly into the sky. I slid the neck of a Jose Cuervo bottle into it's mouth and tilted it back.

"It'll be OK, little one," I sobbed, "it'll be OK."

I took a swig of Bambi's tequila and wrapped my arms around his neck. Between tears I choked out, "Looove is a song that never ends..." The police showed up soon after and questioned me about my public intoxication and my lack of pants. However, they saw that I was emotionally distressed and let me off with a warning.

Now here I sit sober as a goose (if you've never heard that expression it's because I just made it up now). I'm still traumatized. Next thing you know Aladdin's going to be stabbed to death by Abu. Mowgli's going to be kidnapped and forced into an illegal sex trade. Fantasia's acid will finally wear off after 70 years!

When will the madness end?! The humanity!!!

"Live Every Day Like It's Your Last!"

What kind of a stupid bullshit motivational phrase is this? This is something clueless morons say to themselves to feel good about life, but clearly they put no thought into it at all.

If I lived even two days like they were my last I'd either be dead or I'd need a long-ass visit to Slumberland. In all likelihood, I'd be dead. Probably from a drug overdose or a police sniper's bullet. Depends how I schedule my activities.

But no matter. That's just me. That's just one guy. The scary thing is, there are people spouting off "Live every day like it's your last!" to several people. They think this is advice ALL people should follow. The world I do not want to live in is the one where everyone is living their day like it's their last. Life as we know it would cease to exist before lunchtime.

Murder would skyrocket. If one were to assume they wouldn't be around in 24 hours, it's quite possibly they'd pick up a gun or a knife and hunt down their ex, their boss, and who knows, maybe even those assholes at Mr. Lube who ripped me off. How will we have time to worry about the economy when everyone's dead?

The highways will be fucked. Everyone will steal cars and drive down highways at very high rates of speed. People will be run over without remorse. There will be car crashes every 5 feet. The freeway will be engulfed in fire and explosions. Take public transit that day.

Millions of people will take LSD, think they can fly, and jump off buildings. Not necessarily because they actually believe they can fly, just because they'd think it's fun to go out in the cliche way. As for other drugs, they'd be smoked, swallowed, snorted, and injected so quickly, you wouldn't be able to find anything anywhere. Of course, the delusional U.S. government would quickly hold a press conference proudly annoucing "We've finally won the War on Drugs!", taking full credit and telling reporters, "No one believed us, but we always KNEW it was working!"

Rape would increase. I'd elaborate, but rape isn't funny, I'm told.

Now, bear in mind this is the stuff that would happen if world leaders didn't exist. This is what would happen if people actually had the time to do this stuff. With world leaders, they absolutely wouldn't. Every country that had 'em would say "Fuck it" and promptly deploy their nukes. The sky would be filled with missles, bombs, bullets, arrows....guys launched from catapults, I don't know. The point is, the world would turn into a giant ball of fire and radiation and dead shit.

So the next time someone tells you to live every day like it's your last, tell them to go fuck themselves and then quietly finish your Twinkie. No planet ever got annihilated by twin-wrapped cakes.