Haiku

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

"Live Every Day Like It's Your Last!"

What kind of a stupid bullshit motivational phrase is this? This is something clueless morons say to themselves to feel good about life, but clearly they put no thought into it at all.

If I lived even two days like they were my last I'd either be dead or I'd need a long-ass visit to Slumberland. In all likelihood, I'd be dead. Probably from a drug overdose or a police sniper's bullet. Depends how I schedule my activities.

But no matter. That's just me. That's just one guy. The scary thing is, there are people spouting off "Live every day like it's your last!" to several people. They think this is advice ALL people should follow. The world I do not want to live in is the one where everyone is living their day like it's their last. Life as we know it would cease to exist before lunchtime.

Murder would skyrocket. If one were to assume they wouldn't be around in 24 hours, it's quite possibly they'd pick up a gun or a knife and hunt down their ex, their boss, and who knows, maybe even those assholes at Mr. Lube who ripped me off. How will we have time to worry about the economy when everyone's dead?

The highways will be fucked. Everyone will steal cars and drive down highways at very high rates of speed. People will be run over without remorse. There will be car crashes every 5 feet. The freeway will be engulfed in fire and explosions. Take public transit that day.

Millions of people will take LSD, think they can fly, and jump off buildings. Not necessarily because they actually believe they can fly, just because they'd think it's fun to go out in the cliche way. As for other drugs, they'd be smoked, swallowed, snorted, and injected so quickly, you wouldn't be able to find anything anywhere. Of course, the delusional U.S. government would quickly hold a press conference proudly annoucing "We've finally won the War on Drugs!", taking full credit and telling reporters, "No one believed us, but we always KNEW it was working!"

Rape would increase. I'd elaborate, but rape isn't funny, I'm told.

Now, bear in mind this is the stuff that would happen if world leaders didn't exist. This is what would happen if people actually had the time to do this stuff. With world leaders, they absolutely wouldn't. Every country that had 'em would say "Fuck it" and promptly deploy their nukes. The sky would be filled with missles, bombs, bullets, arrows....guys launched from catapults, I don't know. The point is, the world would turn into a giant ball of fire and radiation and dead shit.

So the next time someone tells you to live every day like it's your last, tell them to go fuck themselves and then quietly finish your Twinkie. No planet ever got annihilated by twin-wrapped cakes.