Bros With the Doors Taken Off Their Jeeps

OMG, look at you!

The hot weather's here and it's time to bring your A-game! You're going to tell the world you're SO all about summer! You've just been hibernating for the last several months, simply aching for that day when you can remove the doors from your Jeep so everyone will know that sunshine and tasty waves coarse through your veins.

Canada? Who said anything about Canada? In your mind you're cruising the streets of Malibu whistling at the honeys. Only you don't have time to stop. There are shirts to wear unbuttoned, patios to sit on, Natty Ice's to sip. You're a fun-loving bro on the go!

So get your damn flip-flops on, Kevin. The party-mobile has Blink 182's "Dammit" ready to go at full blast and it's setting sail in 5 minutes! You're going to totally break Rule 115 of the Bro Code if you're not on it.

And let's not forget to stick our arms out the side and drum on the roof along with the music so other people driving can see we're listening to something really awesome. Coolness is at stake here, people! We need to blatantly display how chill we are as often as possible!

To the untrained eye, we may look like just a bunch of douchebags driving around suburbia in a Jeep, but actually the fact that the doors are off means we're on a safari! A good old-fashioned poon safari! But again...no time to stop. Too much bro stuff to do. Otherwise we'd totally hit that.

Summer! High-five, Kevin! If only everyone else knew how epic we are!



(Yes, I realize I switched POVs halfway through. I suck as a writer.)

Deer God, Bambi's Dead!!!

Whyyyyy?!?! God whyyyyy?!?! You killed him, you asshole! Bambi's dead!

Today as I was driving along there was a car a little distance up in front of me. I could call it a night right now and just by those few sentences you'd know what happened. But where's the fun in that?

I saw a deer dart out in front of said car. It made it across. "Cool," I thought as my eyes wandered. Then as they focused back on the road I saw an animal on the road in the oncoming lane. As I passed...(gulp)...I...(sniffle)...

(choke)BAMBI!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD!!!

The innocent, bright-eyed Disney faun lay on the pavement writhing. The car that hit it was stopped a short distance up undamaged. And I just kept saying "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

I should point out that it was noon and I'd been playing Dora the Explorer drinking games all morning. I was not in a good frame of mind as I opened by truck door, beer cans spilling out. I ran over to Bambi crying as cars swerved around me honking. I knelt down beside him and his glassy eye stared blankly into the sky. I slid the neck of a Jose Cuervo bottle into it's mouth and tilted it back.

"It'll be OK, little one," I sobbed, "it'll be OK."

I took a swig of Bambi's tequila and wrapped my arms around his neck. Between tears I choked out, "Looove is a song that never ends..." The police showed up soon after and questioned me about my public intoxication and my lack of pants. However, they saw that I was emotionally distressed and let me off with a warning.

Now here I sit sober as a goose (if you've never heard that expression it's because I just made it up now). I'm still traumatized. Next thing you know Aladdin's going to be stabbed to death by Abu. Mowgli's going to be kidnapped and forced into an illegal sex trade. Fantasia's acid will finally wear off after 70 years!

When will the madness end?! The humanity!!!

Fat People Exiting Large Vehicles

Why do fat people continue to buy vehicles that they have such a hard time getting into and out of? I can tell just by their actions that they're putting themslves under a lot of unnecessary stress. It actually is qute amusing to watch.

The door of their van flies open and a big cankle shoots out. After several seconds (apparently spent slowly shifting themselves in their seat) a second cankle appears along with a sagging belly and a chunky arm embracing several Wendy's bags and a bucket of KFC.

Then the comedy begins as this person's toes point downward trying to touch the ground and they do that "belly-out" slide down the side of the seat. It just looks like a huge mass of flab spilling out of the vehicle. And the best is when they get their foot caught on the running board and fall out face first, spilling chicken all over the pavement.

Really, why buy a vehicle that's a hassle even while parked? Do fat people think the daily struggle of getting into and out of their vehicles counts as exercise? Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if did, given the amount of perspiration these people wring out of their shirts afterward.

Have you considered a Honda Civic, fatties? Not trying to be mean, just asking.

Road Warriors Part 3: The Two Idiots With Vanity Plates

Most vanity plates are stupid. Every so often though, you'll get a comedic genius behind the wheel who has come up with something that makes you chuckle. Given the two plates I saw today on my drive in to work, the individuals behind the wheel were NOT comedic geniuses.

The first one I saw came as a red Ferrari Testarossa came up on my left side. I glanced over as most people would do upon glimpsing a rarely seen car. The first thing I thought was, "Nice car...your love muscle is on the stubby side, isn't it?" And then as it passed I saw the licence plate and it was painfully obvious that the man driving was a total dickhead.

"HOT 4RE"

Great. You've proudly indicated to the world the vehicle you're driving and your opinion of it. Where do we go from here? I've never met you, but already I can tell you're a rich asshole who is too absorbed in his mode of transportation. Tell you what, let's cut the crap and I'll shell out the cash to buy you a new plate with a little more truth and a little less self-importance attached. "TNY DCK", maybe. Or "RCHASHL", perhaps. Or maybe you could ask the woman with the second plate I saw today if you can have hers...

"IM SPCHL"

(nice segue, huh?) This woman drove up past me, again on the left, just a minute after the Ferrari passed and since she was the next car in the lane after it, I thought maybe I should get off the road quick. Evidently I was sharing the road with some not too bright people this particular afternoon and things could turn dangerous.

Yes, lady. Yes you are special. But all crazy person jokes aside, this woman was worse than the Ferrari guy as far as I was concerned. The guy only implied that he was a pompous moron. This woman blatantly advertised that she's full of herself. Why did she feel the need to go about displaying her narcissism on her car? It's not like someone was handing out free bumper stickers and she casually slapped one onto the bumper. It takes some work to get licence plates.

I picture her waking up one morning and skipping down to the MTO office singing "I love meeeee! I loooove meeeeee!" and then waiting in line for half an hour with a shit-eating grin on her face that just won't go away.

Either that or she's just a cold bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else. Sorry, lady, driving a '97 Corolla doesn't make you a goddess. Better luck next plate.

These people...I'll tell you...

Road Warriors Part 2

It's been a while since the last Road Warriors post so it's time for Part 2.

People With a Lot of Stuffed Animals in Their Rear Window

It's a car, not your child's playpen. And if you don't even have children....what the hell is wrong with you?

And why does it always seem to be Winnie the Pooh characters? Why do so many people feel the need to have a bunch of Tigger and Piglet toys in their car? Not to mention the Pooh Bear window shades.

So you have a kid, good for you. So do a ton of other people. You don't need to flaunt it. You're not a super-special mommy and your toys aren't cute. Get that crap out of your window.

One of these days your mother will be in critical condition in an ambulance that is trying to get around your slow ass. She will die before the ambulance reaches the hospital and if Dora the Explorer hadn't been grinning at you in the rearview, you might have pulled over to let the ambulance pass and you mother would still be alive. Your stupid animals won't be so cute then.

Overly Friendly Courtesy Waves

In case the title was a little confusing, this is when you let someone merge and they give you the courtesy wave. But they take it too far and literally wave at you. They don't just give the open-handed, five-fingers-up-in-the-air, rear window signal. They give you the wave where they actually shake their hand back and forth.

Christ, I'm just letting you onto the highway, I'm not trying to make friends with you. Stop waving at me like a crazy person. There's too much god damned friendliness in today's world. Sometimes I wish someone would just up and start a war or something.

I appreciate the courtesy wave, don't get me wrong, but when I see someone frantically waving at me through their rear window I imagine the person at the wheel is dangerously happy. I always expect to pass them and look over and see a guy grinning maniacally and drooling. And perhaps he has large, random patches of hair shaved out of his head. When I get an overly friendly courtesy wave I think that maybe it's best I don't share the road with this lunatic for too long.

The worst part is that a lot of the time these raving wavers are mommies with a bunch of crap in their back window.

This Cruel, Cruel Week

I don't like to bring my personal life into my updates because frankly, you probably don't care all that much. But since I have neither the inspiration or energy to come up with something better tonight, well, you'll just have to endure.

You ever see that movie The Truman Show? I swear I have a show of my own that tons of people must be watching right now. And I do believe this week is the "Try to Break His Will to Go On" sweeps. This week has been god damn dreadful.

I started getting sick on Monday. Sneezing like a bastard and runny/stuffy nose. About the same on Tuesday. Today I developed the cough that I knew would be inevitable. It's horsecrap because even though my illnesses clear up in a few days, my coughs go on for weeks. I don't know what it is. Tonight I just feel fucking drained and I want to go home.

The rest of the week aside from being sick? Monday/Tuesday I had the exercise soreness. Tuesday after work at 11:30pm my truck broke down on the highway. Once again I payed the price for not having a cell phone, but my pride is too strong to crack because of that. I had to endure 45 minutes of awkward conversation with a tow truck driver. What the hell do you talk to a tow truck driver about? My truck had to be kept at the garage for a couple days and the repairs are going to be about $1000. Back in the god damn hole again.

Today I was scheduled to be into work at 1pm. I had no vehicle and my work sure as hell isn't biking distance so I phoned my brother who then drove 40 minutes just to help me out. He picked me up and I spent another hour and a half commuting to work. I get to work and find out that I'm not even needed there anymore. Thanks for letting me know.

I do the same shitty pick-up/commute all the way home and rest for approximately half an hour before borrowing my dad's truck and driving in for my normal shift. Why didn't I just stay at work? It's complicated, but I assure you there is a good reason. You don't want to hear it, I don't want to write it.

I arrive at work and a note tells me that I'm an hour late. Apparently I was supposed to come in early and again nobody fucking told me. Now someone hates me just because I didn't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do. And I spent the rest of the night weakly doing the same old shit at work, suicide making more and more sense with each passing minute.

Before the week is through I expect to have swine flue, have my truck stolen, get fired, and run out of toilet paper. It's bad, but hey, at least I'll be prepared for it.

People Who Drive White Crown Victorias

I say we enforce either of the following:

1) Start making vehicles that are exclusive to police departments.
2) If people want to drive white Crown Vics, make vehicle decals mandatory.

I'm really getting sick and tired of scrambling to put down my bong and nachos just because some grandpa wants to drive a police car. What, pray tell, is wrong with a nice Buick? Or why not drive a stunning green Crown Victoria? No, you have to come speeding past me in your white car of trickery and leave me choking on pot smoke and corn snacks. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I think deep down anyone who drives a white Crown Victoria and is not a police officer is an asshole. How can you go through the process of buying this car and not once think that you're going to make a bunch of people nervous every day? You have know that you're often going to get stuck behind people driving the speed limit because you look like an unmarked car in the rearview. Weapons smugglers are needlessly sweating bullets and maybe even shitting their pants because of you, you sick bastards!

Maybe decals aren't enough. Just to be safe we should put a giant bobbing smiley face on the roof of every white Crown Vic just so people know for sure there's just a normal asshole driving the car, not one with a badge.

Just a small idea of mine to help us all rest a little easier as we break the law.

Too Many Gadgets in the Fucking Car!

Maybe these car companies wouldn't be such failures if they had stuck to building normal fucking cars instead of pumping a bunch of stupid, pointless gadgets into everything. No, that wouldn't work. People are too fat and happy and gadget-crazy and they wouldn't buy sensible cars. Wake up, you morons! You have too many gadgets in the fucking car!

The following accessories, in my opinion, are completely dumb.

-Power anything. Locks, windows...what have you.
-DVD players
-TV
-Heated seats
-Automatic transmission
-Separate headphone jacks for each family member
-GPS
-Back-up camera/sensor
-Climate control

What kind of bullshit is climate control anyway? I wasn't aware that each seat had it's own "climate". It's a fucking bench, not the tropics. Christ...

And we wonder why there are so many car accidents. People are comatose behind the wheel. The car does fucking everything for these morons. They don't have to crank down a window, they don't have to change gears, they don't have to watch where they're going because they've got sensors to do that, they don't even have to know where they're going because Mr. GPS is there to help. All these people have to do is kick back with a Big Mac as they gab on their cell phones. Then it's the other guy's fault when they get into an accident.

What the hell happened to an engine, four tires, and a windshield? Oh, I guess that stopped being fun for people so we had to give them something to play with while they're careening down the highway in a ton of steel. Heaven forbid they're not being entertained at all hours of the day.

And we don't need fucking DVD players in the car! When I took family trips as a youngster I didn't have Power Ranger videos to take me there. I sat there in the back seat with a book, I shut the hell up, and I was grateful if we pulled over for some McDonalds at the halfway point. Now these kids get cranky if they don't get to watch Miley Cyrus on the 20 minute drive to ballet practice. And Pimp My Ride doesn't exactly help matters. They put like 400 TV screens in every vehicle they make over. I saw one where the headlights were little TV screens that looped VH1's Behind the Music: Snoop Dogg.

These modern cars are ridiculous. I'm waiting for the jacuzzi, jungle gym, and bunk beds.

Pussy Flaps

Sorry if you thought this entry was going to be juicy, but that's just my own little term for the sun visors in the car. Because it's a flap and only pussies use them.

I was inspired to write this as I drove down the highway yesterday with the sun in the west shining through my driver's side window. I swung the flap around to block it and then quickly became aware of my status as a complete pansy and swung it right back up. Real men don't use visors. They squint into the sun as they exhale a huge Marlboro drag from their leathery faces, hardened from working in the mines for 40 years. None of this "Boo hoo hoo, the sun's in my eyes" garbage. What a bunch of wimps.

You know who didn't use a sun visor? Dennis Fucking Hopper. Never mind the fact that he was on a motorcycle and a sun visor wasn't an option. Even if he were driving a car he would've ripped the bastard off and flung it into a ditch in New Mexico. Just a hat and a tasty pair of shades is all Dennis needs. Très badass, Mr. Hopper.

I know these pussy flaps are nothing new, but there is entirely too much useless crap in our cars.* If you're driving, grow some balls and squint it out. Save your whimpering for the tampon department where you're undoubtedly going if you use a sun visor.


*More on that later. I missed last night's update because of internet troubles so I owe you one.

Ghost Ridin' Da Whip

Dayum! Is "dayum" still relevant? Regardless, ghost riding is yet another aspect of "urban culture" that I simply do not get.

You put your vehicle in cruise control at 5-7 km/h, exit your vehicle, walk beside it dancing like a complete prick (grabbing your crotch with one hand and swinging the other hand in the air like you just don't care), and somehow you're badass. How? It's not that hard to do. It's just that most people don't because they understand how completely pointless it is.

This would be so much easier to rip into if I actually understood why people think this is cool. But I just don't get it. It's not like you're showing off an amazing talent that few people have. You're engaging in a meaningless activity and labelling it as cool.

This behaviour is nothing new, may I remind you. People were ghost riding 100 years ago too. Back then it was referred to as "leading your horse." If you maybe wanted to have a conversation with someone without shouting down to them like they were a peasant, you'd get off your horse and walk beside him leading him by the reins. Of course, back in those days, if you fucked it up the horse wouldn't crash itself into a ditch.

Don't you just love that?! When these 17-year old ghost riders realize their car is on a collision course and they don't quite make it back in time. I love seeing them pay the price for their stupidity. It always ends with the car facing sideways, well off the road or crashed into a pole. Likewise, it always ends with the pea-brained driver doing one of these numbers only without the helmet. Needless to say, they probably should be wearing one at all times.

What can I say though? When you finally fuck up your car really good or get your license suspended for being completely irresponsible, enjoy the scooter!

Quit Smoking, Win a Car!

Is it just me or is the Canadian Cancer Society's "Driven to Quit" contest one of the most retarded ideas ever? In case you're not familiar, the Driven to Quit contest awards prizes to people who quit smoking, the biggest being a hybrid car. Am I missing something here or have we gotten really fucking dumb?

In the most recent contest, entrants quit smoking on March 1, remain smoke-free until March 31 at which time there is a winners' draw. In April all the smoke-free verification is done by urine test and the winners are announced less than a month later on April 27. Got that? So all you have to do is quit for less than two months (since relapses after the draw disqualify you) and there you be.

How hard can it possibly be to quit smoking for 2 months, scoop up a car, and then start puffing away again? Again, either I'm missing something or this is a very poorly planned contest.

But that's not my main gripe with this. My question is, why are we rewarding people who chose to pick up an unhealthy and quite possibly deadly habit in the first place. You don't reward someone who gives up doing something they should have the common sense not to do altogether. You don't see prisons releasing guys and saying "Congratulations, Thumper, you haven't stabbed anyone in 7 years. Have a Toyota!"

This a completely ridiculous idea and needs to be rethought. Something along the lines of "Fuck the contest, nobody gets anything." You can't reward the smokers because they're smoking and that goes against the whole Canadian Cancer Society thing to begin with. You can't reward the non-smokers because they didn't even do anything and you don't reward common sense. And you can't reward the quitters because, well, you've just read why up to this point.

Plus they'd probably just get all gay about quitting and brag to everyone and piss a lot of people off.

Smart Cars

I swear every time I see a Smart Car on the road I get a huge urge to crash into it as hard as I can. The Smart Car really is just a dumb vehicle bought by dumb people. How big of an asshole do you have to be to decide you want to drive a Micro Machine for the next little while?

I always think of how fun it would be to bonk into a Smart Car while driving. I picture them sliding all over the road, spinning around in little circles like when you used to hit oil slicks in NES games. I also imagine a descending slide whistle noise while this happens. They just seem like toys that would simply biff off a concrete wall and keep going on their way.

How can you possibly look cool driving a Smart Car? No matter what you always look like a fucking goof. Mr. 31-year-old financial advisor has childhood issues and still hasn't gotten over the day his mom told him he was too big for his Little Tikes car and sold it. So he buys a Smart Car and sucks his thumb and cries himself to sleep every night.

I mean really. It looks like it runs on double A batteries. I wish I had more problems with this car because I'm really stretching here. It's just dinky and stupid looking and I have great fun thinking up awesome ways to destroy them. Like parking it and then having two enormous dump trucks sandwich it on both sides at 80mph. Or drive like 30 of them into the Grand Canyon all at the same time so you just see all these little pieces of crap tumbling into the ravine. That's good stuff, man!

This coming from a guy that drove a Suzuki Swift for 5 years...

Road Warriors Part 1

I think I'm going to give a special category to people we share the road with. I anticiapte that I will have more driving stories to share at some point so I present my first subsection, Road Warriors.

The first road warrior is the asshole that won't merge when you allow him to do so. I spend a lot of time on the road because my job is not exactly close to home. Therefore I spend a good deal of time on the highway. I can't tell you how pissed I get when I'm in the right hand lane and some guy shoots up beside me on an entrance ramp, just slightly ahead of where I am. Being a courteous driver, I slow down to let him in before he runs out of ramp and barrels into a concrete wall, exploding into a gigantic ball of flames. Which I saw one time and it was fucking awesome. It may have been a minivan full of children, I don't know, the fire truck was kind of in the way.

But anyway, I slow dow to let this guy in and he matches speed. Let's go! I'm letting you in! Step on the gas, for Pete's sake! I always feel awkward. I don't want this guy to think that I'm matching his speed so he can't get over. I'm being a legitimately nice guy here! I'm letting you in, but you're driving like an ass, don't hate me!

At this point I've either slowed to about 40kms below the posted speed limit before he inches in or cursed him and floored it to get ahead of him. In both cases I wonder how this moron got a license and scream at him to stay the fuck off the highway if he doesn't know how it works.

Road Warrior #2 is the guy that stops at the intersection with no stop sign. I was driving home after eating dinner out tonight and came to a 2-way stop. East-West had to stop at the interesction. North-South did not. I was travelling East-West and came to the stop....right as North-South dickweed came to the intersection...and STOPPED.

As it was his right of way, I continued to wait there. This genius actually stopped where there was no stop sign and flashed his lights to let me through, all while holding up another vehicle.

Now that I think of it, I really should have taken George Carlin's advice. I should have stopped dead at the intersection. When he's waited there for several seconds and realized that I'm not going to move, he'd proceed. And right when he's in the middle of the road, BRRRRRRUUUMMMM, I floor it and crash into him.

"You told me to go."