An Open Letter to Kylie From the PC Commercial

Dear Kylie,

How are you? I am fine. I wish to start by saying that you're a very cute little girl. But your commercial annoys the piss out of me.

You're still very young, only 4 and a half, so I feel it's my duty to inform you of some of the harsh realities and injustices to come in your life in order to prepare you for the utter disappointment you will experience as you come of age.

It saddens me to tell you that even though your parents have likely taught you to never tell any lies, the world we live on is jam-packed full of them. Remember those nice people in two piece suits that gave you juice and cookies when you were filming your commercial? See, they weren't actually being nice to you because they wanted to be your friend, they were doing something called "exploiting you." That means that they wanted to use your age and your cute-as-a-button qualities to sell computers and make money for themselves. Have you wondered why you haven't seen those nice people since you stopped filming? That's just it, Kylie, you were never their friend. Money was more important to them.

You're a child, Kylie, and so I'll bet you can't wait until you're a grownup just like mommy and daddy, huh? Won't that be exciting? Nobody to tell you that it's bedtime or that you have to eat your carrots if you want dessert? Wouldn't it be great to do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, and go to bed whenever you want? I hate to burst your bubble, Kylie, but mommy and daddy have people telling them what to do as well. These people are called the government and you should learn now that despite what they will tell you, they don't have your best interests in mind and they don't care about you.

Do you like orange juice, Kylie? It's tasty, isn't it? And good for you too. Well, imagine if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't make, drink, buy, or sell orange juice any more because it is bad for you, morally wrong, and has no useful purposes in today's world. Suppose after hearing this you went out and bought a bottle of orange juice. Wouldn't you be upset if they found out and sent you to your room for making a personal decision to put something into your own body that they've given you false information about, and even if it was bad for you, wouldn't harm anyone but you, the person who made the choice to put it into yourself in the first place? The government does this every day, Kylie.

They will tell you lies that will determine how you dress, where you can go, what you can do, and what you can put into your own body. They will deny you rights for no good reason. Remember the camera you used to take a picture of your fish Dorothy? What if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't use that camera any more because of a tiny, tiny chance that Tommy, the mean boy from down your street, will come over to your house, plug the camera into the wall and drop it in Dorothy's tank, killing her? What if they told you that you couldn't ride your bike, watch Dora, or jump rope because Tommy might hurt you when you did these things? What if Tommy then moved away, but they wouldn't give your favourite playtime activities back? Worse yet, what if your parents dropped the camera into Dorothy's tank and blamed it on Tommy just so they could take away some of your basic playtime activities? Never trade your liberties for the illusion of security, Kylie.

As you grow up you'll hopefully realize that the big beautiful world you know now is full of lies. Lies from television and newspapers telling you what to think and how to feel. Maybe Tommy's not really that bad of a kid. Maybe his parents are telling him that you, Kylie, are evil and that's why he wants to hurt you. I think maybe if you both stopped listening to the lies that your parents are telling you and actually talked to each other, you'd discover that you have a lot in common and there is no need to kill each other. And yes, you or your peers will be told lies to get you to kill other people.

Anyway, Kylie, I've spoken at great length here and although I'm not even close to finished, I must be going. I just want to prepare you. Do not let smiling people in suits exploit you and don't trust anyone. I was once a chipper little kid like you and then I grew up and discovered the true workings of the world. Now I'm a cold, skeptical, pessimisstic asshole (pardon my language, Kylie).

Enjoy your childhood while you can before you're old enough for them to really start telling you what to do. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, Kylie.

Best wishes,

-Get the Fuck Outta My Office

Charities Closing Major Highways

I drive a vehicle so automtically I'm a self-centred asshole in some people's minds. But I'm about to become an even bigger asshole because today I'm ranting about major highways being closed so that some charity can throw an event to raise money for themselves.

This weekend it's the Heart and Stroke Foundation closing down the DVP and Gardiner so they can ride their little bicycles and roller blades. Sorry to be a heartless bastard and stroke my own ego, but get the fuck off the highways! Go to Fergus or something, I don't care. The only time I really have any need for the Heart and Stroke Foundation is when my blood pressure goes through the roof as a result of them closing the fucking highways! I don't think they realize that they're pissing off a lot of asshole motorists such as myself.

My drive in to work takes long enough as it is. I don't need detours that slow the traffic to a near stop. I don't like taking alternate routes through the city because all the pissed off people take the same routes. Drving through town is slow enough as it is. Add a bunch of people that would normally be on the highway and you've got yourself one hell of a nightmare, my friend. And Christ, traffic lights every 5 feet?

I think the real reason this concerns me so much is because when I think of thousands of cyclists riding down two of Toronto's major highways, I'm thinking HUGE FUCKING BIKER GANG! I've told you before that a pack of 8 or 10 bikers makes me nervous, but here we've got a gang of bloody thousands! They're liable to burn down the whole city and crucify us all!

No good can come from bikers closing down the highway. And that's why next time I'm going to rent a dump truck, set the cruise control, and "shut down their little event", knowwhaddamean?

This Cruel, Cruel Week

I don't like to bring my personal life into my updates because frankly, you probably don't care all that much. But since I have neither the inspiration or energy to come up with something better tonight, well, you'll just have to endure.

You ever see that movie The Truman Show? I swear I have a show of my own that tons of people must be watching right now. And I do believe this week is the "Try to Break His Will to Go On" sweeps. This week has been god damn dreadful.

I started getting sick on Monday. Sneezing like a bastard and runny/stuffy nose. About the same on Tuesday. Today I developed the cough that I knew would be inevitable. It's horsecrap because even though my illnesses clear up in a few days, my coughs go on for weeks. I don't know what it is. Tonight I just feel fucking drained and I want to go home.

The rest of the week aside from being sick? Monday/Tuesday I had the exercise soreness. Tuesday after work at 11:30pm my truck broke down on the highway. Once again I payed the price for not having a cell phone, but my pride is too strong to crack because of that. I had to endure 45 minutes of awkward conversation with a tow truck driver. What the hell do you talk to a tow truck driver about? My truck had to be kept at the garage for a couple days and the repairs are going to be about $1000. Back in the god damn hole again.

Today I was scheduled to be into work at 1pm. I had no vehicle and my work sure as hell isn't biking distance so I phoned my brother who then drove 40 minutes just to help me out. He picked me up and I spent another hour and a half commuting to work. I get to work and find out that I'm not even needed there anymore. Thanks for letting me know.

I do the same shitty pick-up/commute all the way home and rest for approximately half an hour before borrowing my dad's truck and driving in for my normal shift. Why didn't I just stay at work? It's complicated, but I assure you there is a good reason. You don't want to hear it, I don't want to write it.

I arrive at work and a note tells me that I'm an hour late. Apparently I was supposed to come in early and again nobody fucking told me. Now someone hates me just because I didn't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do. And I spent the rest of the night weakly doing the same old shit at work, suicide making more and more sense with each passing minute.

Before the week is through I expect to have swine flue, have my truck stolen, get fired, and run out of toilet paper. It's bad, but hey, at least I'll be prepared for it.

9-5

Don't get me wrong, usually I have a lot of fun writing these rants. But this week I just haven't been into it, which is dumb because this just happens to be the week when I've had a flood of ideas. See, I've been covering for a 9-5 guy at work this week and by the time I get home, all I want to do is jack off, take a shit, and go to bed. 9-5 is balls, I tell you!

Seriously, I've done the 9-5 thing before and every time it makes me completely understand why people go postal. Here's why.

-I hate going to bed when I'm not ready for bed. I'm not one of those people who can say, "Damn, I have to wake up at 4:30am. I better be in bed by 9 or 10." I go to bed when I'm tired or too god damned shitfaced to retain consciousness. If I force myself to go to bed, I lie awake until I'm actually tired and fall asleep. The voices in my head are seriously entertaining though.

-I hate waking up to repetitive electronic shrieking saying "Fuuuck...god damn it" over and over and over.

-I hate that it takes me 2 hours to commute to work, driving or taking public transit. Fucking horseshit. Either way, it's 2 hours of my life I'm wasting along with hundreds of other morons. Wow, I just had a brilliant idea. Just now. I'm going to donate my entire paycheque each week to any top-notch scientists who are working on teleportation. If they can get me from my house to my work instantly without all the fucking brake lights or subway transfers, they deserve some funding.

-I hate the fact that I'm actually required to shower and change my clothes every day. Are you serious?! What the fuck is this crap?!

-I hate dealing with bitter co-workers. I guess it's not entirely their fault, I mean, they work 9-5 and probably have been doing so much of their lives. I'm friggin' 23 and I hate everything about 9-5. How do these people feel at 55? I guess I can't blame them. But still. I just wish they were as optimistic about everything as I am.

-I hate being the most awesome person in the office. If any co-workers happen to be reading this, honestly, return to your offices. I don't need people constantly asking for a signed photo and I really have no use for the daily office parades you throw for me. Look, I'm really blown away by the fact that you made a golden chariot for me to ride in while a tall, white stallion pulls me down the hallway to my office. But the seat is a little too lumpy and one ass cheek always rides lower than the other and it feels weird. Like I might be curving my spine inappropriately. I mean, I'm flattered, but with my salary I can't afford a chiropractor.

I guess that's about it for now. I can't wait until next week when I don't have to work 9-5 and I can show up to work piss drunk every day. Unless...

Also, the answer to the title is four. Four...
As in "Four...the love of God, man, get yourself a fucking girlfriend already."



UPDATE: Literally less than a minute after posting this I discovered I beat Listman to a topic. I'm so fucking awesome!

Discovery Channel's "I Love the World" Commercial

I don't know if it's necessarily the commercial that irritates me. I think it's more peoples' reactions to this commercial. The first time I saw this commercial I kind of had that, "Aaah...I see what they're trying to do here." vibe come over me. I can see through Discovery's crap.

But the problem was that I saw what they were getting at but I couldn't seem to accurately and completely describe it in words. Until tonight. I was going through the comments on this video thinking "I have to find something that will help me put my finger on what this is." Then I came across Greenlightgo31's comment and it all fell into place.



Bingo. The fact is, a lot of times I seem to miss out on "feel-good" emotions that the media is trying to convey because I've seen it done before. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but sometimes I think I'm too smart for my own good and I look at these things from a psychological standpoint. Believe me, sometimes I'd love to get caught up in the hype because apparently this stuff is feel-good. I like feeling good. But I always seem to watch these things and make mental notes to myself regarding why they make people feel good instead of simply feeling good. And when it's over I'm just left with, "Okay...I get it. Kind of cheesy."

Let me break down "I Love the World."

1)The feeling I get from this commercial is that it's trying to push a sense of oneness. It wants viewers to see beyond their own point of view and see "the giant community that is earth." Each scene it cuts to is completely different yet all of it is happening on this one planet. Each person sings a different line of the song. Again, oneness. Each person in a different part of the world in a different situation collectively singing the same song.

There is diversity. People from all walks of life. You've even got the African tribe in there. Culture, diversity, we are all one, we are all sharing this awesome planet. People feel good about that shit.

2)The song itself is feel-good. It uses a feel-good chord progression. It uses the same chord progression of endless sappy love songs from the '50s and early '60s. I really don't have to desire to start thinking of examples because that's not the point of this, but Earth Angel comes to mind. Those songs made people feel good and they still do.

A wide variety of different types of singing are used. You've go some people shouting their lines to you, you've got some people quietly singing their lines to themselves, you've got hoarse voices, you've got "Egyptian kings" woman's soft, sweet voice. You've got people who can't really sing, you've got people who can, you've got a couple "walkie talkie" voices. Everyone's different, yet we're all the same. Feel-good.

It all comes together with this sense of oneness and a feel good song. Everyone chanting the song at the end. We're finally all together and "The World is Just Awesome." We feel good.

I can't really blame Discovery Channel. They obviously put a lot of work into the ad and it looks good and sounds good and overall it's just done well. I just get kind of irritated when people melt over it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a bitter fuck who has a problem with people feeling good. I should probably lighten up and stop overthinking things. Yeah, that's likely it.

I'm still right though. And Earth Angel makes me weep every time.