Road Warriors Part 3: The Two Idiots With Vanity Plates

Most vanity plates are stupid. Every so often though, you'll get a comedic genius behind the wheel who has come up with something that makes you chuckle. Given the two plates I saw today on my drive in to work, the individuals behind the wheel were NOT comedic geniuses.

The first one I saw came as a red Ferrari Testarossa came up on my left side. I glanced over as most people would do upon glimpsing a rarely seen car. The first thing I thought was, "Nice car...your love muscle is on the stubby side, isn't it?" And then as it passed I saw the licence plate and it was painfully obvious that the man driving was a total dickhead.

"HOT 4RE"

Great. You've proudly indicated to the world the vehicle you're driving and your opinion of it. Where do we go from here? I've never met you, but already I can tell you're a rich asshole who is too absorbed in his mode of transportation. Tell you what, let's cut the crap and I'll shell out the cash to buy you a new plate with a little more truth and a little less self-importance attached. "TNY DCK", maybe. Or "RCHASHL", perhaps. Or maybe you could ask the woman with the second plate I saw today if you can have hers...

"IM SPCHL"

(nice segue, huh?) This woman drove up past me, again on the left, just a minute after the Ferrari passed and since she was the next car in the lane after it, I thought maybe I should get off the road quick. Evidently I was sharing the road with some not too bright people this particular afternoon and things could turn dangerous.

Yes, lady. Yes you are special. But all crazy person jokes aside, this woman was worse than the Ferrari guy as far as I was concerned. The guy only implied that he was a pompous moron. This woman blatantly advertised that she's full of herself. Why did she feel the need to go about displaying her narcissism on her car? It's not like someone was handing out free bumper stickers and she casually slapped one onto the bumper. It takes some work to get licence plates.

I picture her waking up one morning and skipping down to the MTO office singing "I love meeeee! I loooove meeeeee!" and then waiting in line for half an hour with a shit-eating grin on her face that just won't go away.

Either that or she's just a cold bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else. Sorry, lady, driving a '97 Corolla doesn't make you a goddess. Better luck next plate.

These people...I'll tell you...

Road Warriors Part 2

It's been a while since the last Road Warriors post so it's time for Part 2.

People With a Lot of Stuffed Animals in Their Rear Window

It's a car, not your child's playpen. And if you don't even have children....what the hell is wrong with you?

And why does it always seem to be Winnie the Pooh characters? Why do so many people feel the need to have a bunch of Tigger and Piglet toys in their car? Not to mention the Pooh Bear window shades.

So you have a kid, good for you. So do a ton of other people. You don't need to flaunt it. You're not a super-special mommy and your toys aren't cute. Get that crap out of your window.

One of these days your mother will be in critical condition in an ambulance that is trying to get around your slow ass. She will die before the ambulance reaches the hospital and if Dora the Explorer hadn't been grinning at you in the rearview, you might have pulled over to let the ambulance pass and you mother would still be alive. Your stupid animals won't be so cute then.

Overly Friendly Courtesy Waves

In case the title was a little confusing, this is when you let someone merge and they give you the courtesy wave. But they take it too far and literally wave at you. They don't just give the open-handed, five-fingers-up-in-the-air, rear window signal. They give you the wave where they actually shake their hand back and forth.

Christ, I'm just letting you onto the highway, I'm not trying to make friends with you. Stop waving at me like a crazy person. There's too much god damned friendliness in today's world. Sometimes I wish someone would just up and start a war or something.

I appreciate the courtesy wave, don't get me wrong, but when I see someone frantically waving at me through their rear window I imagine the person at the wheel is dangerously happy. I always expect to pass them and look over and see a guy grinning maniacally and drooling. And perhaps he has large, random patches of hair shaved out of his head. When I get an overly friendly courtesy wave I think that maybe it's best I don't share the road with this lunatic for too long.

The worst part is that a lot of the time these raving wavers are mommies with a bunch of crap in their back window.

Road Warriors Part 1

I think I'm going to give a special category to people we share the road with. I anticiapte that I will have more driving stories to share at some point so I present my first subsection, Road Warriors.

The first road warrior is the asshole that won't merge when you allow him to do so. I spend a lot of time on the road because my job is not exactly close to home. Therefore I spend a good deal of time on the highway. I can't tell you how pissed I get when I'm in the right hand lane and some guy shoots up beside me on an entrance ramp, just slightly ahead of where I am. Being a courteous driver, I slow down to let him in before he runs out of ramp and barrels into a concrete wall, exploding into a gigantic ball of flames. Which I saw one time and it was fucking awesome. It may have been a minivan full of children, I don't know, the fire truck was kind of in the way.

But anyway, I slow dow to let this guy in and he matches speed. Let's go! I'm letting you in! Step on the gas, for Pete's sake! I always feel awkward. I don't want this guy to think that I'm matching his speed so he can't get over. I'm being a legitimately nice guy here! I'm letting you in, but you're driving like an ass, don't hate me!

At this point I've either slowed to about 40kms below the posted speed limit before he inches in or cursed him and floored it to get ahead of him. In both cases I wonder how this moron got a license and scream at him to stay the fuck off the highway if he doesn't know how it works.

Road Warrior #2 is the guy that stops at the intersection with no stop sign. I was driving home after eating dinner out tonight and came to a 2-way stop. East-West had to stop at the interesction. North-South did not. I was travelling East-West and came to the stop....right as North-South dickweed came to the intersection...and STOPPED.

As it was his right of way, I continued to wait there. This genius actually stopped where there was no stop sign and flashed his lights to let me through, all while holding up another vehicle.

Now that I think of it, I really should have taken George Carlin's advice. I should have stopped dead at the intersection. When he's waited there for several seconds and realized that I'm not going to move, he'd proceed. And right when he's in the middle of the road, BRRRRRRUUUMMMM, I floor it and crash into him.

"You told me to go."