Road Warriors Part 2

It's been a while since the last Road Warriors post so it's time for Part 2.

People With a Lot of Stuffed Animals in Their Rear Window

It's a car, not your child's playpen. And if you don't even have children....what the hell is wrong with you?

And why does it always seem to be Winnie the Pooh characters? Why do so many people feel the need to have a bunch of Tigger and Piglet toys in their car? Not to mention the Pooh Bear window shades.

So you have a kid, good for you. So do a ton of other people. You don't need to flaunt it. You're not a super-special mommy and your toys aren't cute. Get that crap out of your window.

One of these days your mother will be in critical condition in an ambulance that is trying to get around your slow ass. She will die before the ambulance reaches the hospital and if Dora the Explorer hadn't been grinning at you in the rearview, you might have pulled over to let the ambulance pass and you mother would still be alive. Your stupid animals won't be so cute then.

Overly Friendly Courtesy Waves

In case the title was a little confusing, this is when you let someone merge and they give you the courtesy wave. But they take it too far and literally wave at you. They don't just give the open-handed, five-fingers-up-in-the-air, rear window signal. They give you the wave where they actually shake their hand back and forth.

Christ, I'm just letting you onto the highway, I'm not trying to make friends with you. Stop waving at me like a crazy person. There's too much god damned friendliness in today's world. Sometimes I wish someone would just up and start a war or something.

I appreciate the courtesy wave, don't get me wrong, but when I see someone frantically waving at me through their rear window I imagine the person at the wheel is dangerously happy. I always expect to pass them and look over and see a guy grinning maniacally and drooling. And perhaps he has large, random patches of hair shaved out of his head. When I get an overly friendly courtesy wave I think that maybe it's best I don't share the road with this lunatic for too long.

The worst part is that a lot of the time these raving wavers are mommies with a bunch of crap in their back window.

Weird-Ass Baby Names

Is it just me or have celebrities gone clinically insane? I can let the occasional Candy or Trixie go. I still think they're kind of weird shortened versions of normal names (Candice and Beatrix) and they sound incredibly stripper-y, but I can let them slide. Some of these celebrity baby names though...good fucking gravy.

How can anyone think Fifi Trixibell or Pilot Inspektor is a good name for a kid? It's a good thing that these people are famous and have a lot of money because holy shit, are they going to be spending a fortune on their kid's therapy. I have a friend who shares his name with a famous gay musician and he's told me more than once how annoying it is to be associated with this musician ALL THE TIME despite the fact that he makes good music (or so I think). The funny thing is, my friend wasn't even named after this musician. It's just a rare enough name that people associate it with just this one musician.

It's kind of like being named Elvis when your parents weren't even fans of Presley. They just liked the name. But who else is named Elvis besides Presley and Stojko? Nobody. So you're stuck with people associating you with them for the rest of your life. I'm getting a little off-topic here though.

I mean, are you thinking of the kid when you name it something completely stupid? Maybe you think it's funny and cute, but how funny and cute is it going to be when li'l Hopper goes a-hopping right off the top of a building because he just can't take one more fucking day of all the tormenting?

Really, if you want to be clever and creative, paint a picture and come up with one of your dumbass names for it. But don't take it out on the poor little fuck. Tired of Jim and John and Mike and Mary and Stephanie? Fine. Don't get stupid about it. Name them one of these old-fashioned names that has gone out of style. Walter, Bertha, Priscilla, Milton, Abraham, Betty, Charles, Edwin, Harriet, Martha, Gene, Henry, Grace. Sensible names and they stand out because everyone else thinks Madison and Dylan are clever names. They're not.

I have to say though that Penn Jillette named his daughter something that truly made me laugh even though it's still dumb: Moxie CrimeFighter. It's almost like he himself thinks these over-the-top names are completely insane and wanted to satirize them by saying "You think Apple and Brooklyn are good? Check this shit out!" It sounds like a saucy superheroine's name. Clearly it's just Penn's humour but Bluebell Madonna (Geri Halliwell's kid) is not humour. It's just an empty-skulled has-been who thinks she's naming her daughter something precious and unique. Well, it's sickening.

All I'm trying to say is that shrooms and child-naming don't always mix.

Anti-Gay Marriage People

Seriously, what the fuck?! Are we living in the Dark Ages here? And by "we" I mean most of the States...which I'm not even affiliated with. But bear with me. What the fuck, man, what the fuck?

How can I say this clearly? How about...put down your voodoo book, take a look out the window, and get with the fucking times. Which coming from me, is pretty hypocritical. Again, bear with me.

I don't even understand why this is an issue to be perfectly frank. You don't want two people of the same sex to marry because your religion said it's wrong? Gays are going to hell?

Can I ask you an honest question? Yes? Okay:
HOW. DOES. THIS. FUCKING. AFFECT. YOU. IN. ANY. WAY?

If gays are going to hell (which they're not, you morons), fuck 'em. Does that somehow mean that when you supposedly get to heaven (for being a complete asshole to anyone who is slightly different from you, mind you), your eternal bliss will be hindered in some way? I honestly don't get these religious people who feel the need to stomp on anything that their "God" supposedly doesn't want. Look, if you're religious, go ahead and be religious. I don't agree with you, but I'm not stopping you. But when you try to impose your "God" on the entire world, that's when I get seriously pissed off.

Here's an idea: if you don't like gay marriage...DON'T FUCKING MARRY SOMEONE WHO'S THE SAME GENDER AS YOU! It's almost too simple! If you haven't noticed, there are a shitload of people on this earth who don't believe in your god. I sure as hell don't believe in this god that apparently loves everyone...oh, except for fags. Can I ask you something else? Did you just make this shit up, or...?

I know some gay people. Funny, none of them seem to emit that "pure evil" vibe. Could it be...because they're not? Could it be that they're (gasp) normal fucking human beings who are simply attracted to members of the same sex? No, that can't be it. They're obviously ill.

How do these anti-gay people sleep at night? On top of "I Know What's Best For Everyone" sheets, covered by a Fred Phelps blanket? All I'm trying to say is, concern yourself with your own life and stop imposing on other peoples' lives. Unless it's harming you or your property, just let it go. Complain all you want, but don't flat out ban gay marriage just because you don't believe in it. Many people do. You're not going to hell just because some lesbians got married so why do you care so much?

Let me say it again: complain all you want if you don't like something, but don't deny other people their freedoms. You don't see me going to the Supreme Court saying, "Look, we've simply got to ban Smart Cars, raisins, and Tim Geithner."

I write a shitty rant about it online and move on with my life. Let gay people marry each other. And grow up. You're acting like a complete tool. I have no witty out line for this one.

Billy Bob Thornton

Billy Bob, you need some common sense. CBC Radio is generous enough to invite you and your band (which I'm guessing would go unheard of if you weren't already famous) to the station in order for you to promote an album. Something apparently got lodged up your ass during the interview and you got all prima donna on everyone. I say prima donna only because it seems like nobody has ever heard of the male counterpart, primo uomo. I'm a fucking nerd, I know.

Getting back on track. Thornton, you lost it because...oh yeah, the host of the show referred to your acting career. Aw, hail no. Not that. You might try using some logic sometime. People don't know who the Boxmasters are. People know who Billy Bob Thornton is. If the host introduced you without even mentioning your acting, people might start to believe there are two Billy Bob Thorntons or that the host did not mention your acting career because of his own ignorance of who you are. Neither is true. It makes perfect sense to mention that you've been in movies.

You then proceed to make the host's job a living nightmare. Interviewing someone of such fame is, I would imagine, at least a little intimidating even for the pros. This is when they're co-operative. Maybe the host doesn't care all that much for you but he has to come up with things to ask you and pretend to be interested because the boss told him so. When you pull this crap, you piss them off.

If it were my show I would politely tell you to "Get the Fuck Outta My Studio if you don't want to do this." The station does you a huge favour and you crap all over them. Get over yourself.

For someone who's a Boxmaster you sure seem to suck a lot of dick.

Obama Chia Pets

The Obama Chia Pet is in the news because it's being pulled from Wallgreens stores supposedly because it's racist. It is racist. I don't see how anyone can think otherwise. This hate-toy should not only be pulled from shelves, it should be straight up outlawed. What kind of person thinks this is harmless?

Today I waited on hold for my lawyer trying to see if I have a case against McDonalds because I ate their food and I got fat. As I waited, I sent several angry letters to my MP urging him to ban Harry Potter books. They encourage children to practice witchcraft and if you can't see that, you're an idiot. I had Fox News on in the background and I almost missed the Obama Chia Pet story, being so engrossed in my important affairs.

But when I saw Obama's orange head on my TV with green shrubbery coming from the scalp, I was just livid. This is unacceptable. Am I supposed to just laugh this off? How dare you speak condescendingly to me when I take outrage to the fact that Chia has made a Pet that reflects Obama's and millions of other black peoples' natural hair type.

This is racism at it's finest. If I had made an Obama Chia Pet I would at least have the common courtesy to give him a mohawk and not draw attention to his actual hairstyle: short and wiry. This is just plain racist and it's baloney.

What kind of message does this send to my kids? That it's perfectly okay to create likenesses of the U.S. President and be completely realistic about it? I think not. I will not have my children running around in a world of truth. If they aren't outraged, they aren't paying attention.

I just thank God I have a lot of time on my hands or nobody would ever notice this unbelievably hateful toy. Thank God there are people like me who bring things like this to everyone else's attention. I'm dumbfounded by the number of people that just don't care though. They should be thanking me and kissing my feet. I'm doing God's work and most people tell me to shut up. I hate ignorant people.

Sorry I have to scram so soon, but I have an anti-homosexuality rally I simply must be at. You're welcome.

Consensual Living

Holy jumpin' shitballs, I want to puke.

Consensual living has been a hot topic in Toronto today. I was not aware of it until today and a part of me wishes I could go back in time one day and warn myself, "For the love of God, man, do not absorb the media in any way tomorrow. I won't tell you why, but it's for your own good."

Now, if you don't know, consensual living is a really, really dumb parenting technique that focuses on negotiating with your child instead of setting rules. Here's an example from a Globe and Mail article from today:

Recently, the principles of consensual living have helped her cope with her son's hitting stage, she says.

When Kiernen strikes another child, Ms. Keller asks him what he's feeling and whether he'd like to express his anger or frustration in another way, such as using words or hitting a pillow.

She tells him it's not okay to hit others, but she and her husband, Josh, do not force Kiernen to say he's sorry. "If he's going to apologize, we want it to be authentic," Ms. Keller says.

Are you getting this? Jesus, grow up and learn some responsible parenting, you hippie. These fucking parents' judgements are so clouded over. For some reason they think the best approach to raising their precious little snowflakes* is to be their friend and their equal. Bullocks! You are a parent. It is your job to have authority over your children and set guidelines that must be followed in order for them to grow up with a sense of reality and to be decent people.

Wait until these kids actually grow up and have to face the real world. The world where rules exist and there are things that won't be negotiable. Where everything is not handed to them just because they want it. If you keep pampering them like this, they're going to have a hard time later in life. Discipline your kids. When they grow up and move out, then they can make the rules.

This is just so ridiculous they way parents get pansier with each generation. Back in the day if you did something wrong your father took off his belt and gave you a few good whoops. Back in the day parents spanked their children. Then we started becoming complete pussies and decided it was cruel and spanking went bye-bye. We started punishing kids with "time out." That oughta teach 'em. Make them stand in the corner for 10 minutes.

Wait a second. No...time out is a bad thing. The child isn't getting the attention they need and it might cause them to rebel. Let's not punish the child. Let's talk to the child about their feelings and get them to open up to us. That's surely the best and most healthy thing to do in our parent-child relationship. After all we're equals. Let's compromise without being too forceful. Being forceful is not good for the child's behaviour and could damage the bond we share.

Bull-shit, I say. When I acted out as a child, my father would pick me up and heave me head-first right through my second-story bedroom window. As I picked the shards of glass from my face I would say to myself, "Christ, I ain't doing that shit any more." And of course the old man would hear me and give me a few jabs to the teeth for swearing.

There was a bit of pain and a few broken windows in my childhood. But you know...I never committed the same crime twice.

*Thank you, Mike Stafford.

Insane Soup Can Woman

Today I was watching all of my Tivoed Jay Jay the Jet Plane episodes when it occurred to me, "I'm getting sick of eating toast corners and Kahlua for breakfast every morning. I should go buy some food."

And with that, I was off to the grocery store. What a marvelous trip it was too. The crackhead that always harasses me outside the main entrance was sleeping up against the side of the pop machine which put me into a pretty good mood. I decided I only needed a few things so I just took a basket into the store. I bought all my stuff including the new package of toilet paper that had managed to slip my mind the previous three weeks.

At this point I stroll up to the checkout counter with my basket of crap. There are only two lines open. The express line and one other counter. Having well over 12 items and not wanting to be a dick to other shoppers, I take my place in the non-express line behind a cart with no shopper attached. There is a couple up ahead getting their crap checked out so I figure the cart is theirs.

Suddenly this woman who is probably in her mid to late 60s jumps in front of me, puts a divider on the conveyor belt, and starts unloading the cart. OK, the cart is hers and she was grabbing a last minute item. No biggie.

So she's busy unloading her cart and I'm busy looking around the store glaring at people for no reason. It's a hobby of mine. At one point my eyes come back to her cart and I notice she's done unloading the top section of her cart. There is still a bottom section which I didn't notice before. And it's FILLED WITH FUCKING SOUP CANS!

Look at the picture above and try to imagine about 7 or 8 times the number of cans. This insane woman is evidently preparing for meltdown. I'm standing here with my little basket of crap and she is unloading the soup aisle onto the counter. Just bloody perfect.

And as if I wasn't tested enough, she, the cashier, and the bagger guy start blabbing about the FUCKING OSCARS! Why me?

Watching this woman going back and forth over and over and over for cans of soup, I don't know whether or not I should stand there and do my best to look annoyed (because that's how hardcore I am in these situations) or thank her for a laugh. Because it got to the point where it was just ridiculous and I was trying not to laugh and look like I was high on marijuana cigarettes. I wasn't. It was mushrooms and I hate when people confuse the two.

But she got through the checkout by about 3:30 and then I got to pay for my basket of crap and wouldn't you know it, bagger guy starts chatting about how cold it is. I swear I'm not making this up.

Out in the parking lot I saw Insane Soup Can Woman loading her bags of soup cans into the back of her pickup truck. So just as a little practical joke I waited until she was about to drive off and then I opened up her tailgate. When she hit the gas all the cans rolled out the back and all over the parking lot. Some old dude slipped on one and spilled his coffee all over a dog and I just drove away laughing my fucking ass off.