People Who Small-Talk About the Weather

In 10th grade, I played the very small role of Lane, the butler in my school's play that year, The Importance of Being Earnest. While I can only, at this point, remember only one of my lines ("Yes, sir." which I said approximately 900 times through the course of the play), to this day I can remember one of my co-star's lines: "Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing."

I take it out of context here, but I think of it every single time some jerk informs me "Supposed to get pretty cold in the next couple of days." Thanks. If I wanted the latest scoop on the weather I'd probably be glued to the Weather Network right now instead of staring blankly at you, wondering how I should go about excusing myself in the fastest manner possible.

I can understand if you want to talk about the weather if a hurricane has just flung a puppy at your skull, but to me, when people bring up trivial bits of information like how much sunshine we'll all see on Wednesday, it's obvious to me that they have nothing of substance to say to me. The feeling is mutual.

However, being as socially inept as I am, I tend to shoot back some generic comment based on this meteorological enlightenment I've just been blessed with. And I feel like a prick every time.

The best is when these people continue to talk about the weather as if they weren't aware that it's supposed to be just a dumb small-talk subject for people who can't think of anything better. They babble on about the weather like it's actually intriguing to either of us. I have no hope for these people.

Listen, do me a favour. If we're standing around and you can't think of anything to say, pretend you're getting a call on your cell and go away or shut the fuck up. Awkward silence is not nearly excruciating as talking to you about the latest conditions.