This is actually kind of a touchy subject for me because I was taught that one of the worst things you could do is make fun of mentally challenged people. I have to say, though, that Lil Jon completely astounds me.
First I'd like to share a piece of information about Lil Jon that may surprise you, as it has surprised me after recently learning it. Folks, Lil Jon is...thirty eight years old. I'll repeat. THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OLD!
We have serious problems with society here, guys. On the one hand we have 12 year old girls dressing like prostitutes. On the other we have Lil Jon and guys in emo bands acting like 14 year olds. What the hell is going on?! I'm going to give these people a piece of advice that my dad told me numerous times as a young'un: ACT YOUR AGE.
And really, hasn't anyone besides me had the notion that we could probably save the economy if Lil Jon just turned in all his bling? I'm starting to think Fort Knox is just a big sham. Lil Jon's got all the country's gold and you know it. It's just a shame he has to use it all to make dumbass impractical necklaces with huge absurd phrases on them. And goblets? Who the hell needs a goblet?
Other than that, all he does is grin maniacally and scream 1-3 word phrases. My uncle Bert did the same thing and we had to put him under 24 hour watch. People like that are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. This is not "Fuck da po-lice!" we're talking about here. It's screaming words that have no context whatsoever. "WHAT?!"
If this guy weren't famous, I'm quite certain he'd be the scraggly-haired guy pushing a shopping cart down the sidewalk laughing to himself for no reason. And I'd be the guy trying to avoid his gaze.
Just so everyone knows where I'm coming from on this one, I feel I should start by saying a couple things.
1)I don't hate marriage or anyone who gets married 2)If I wasn't such an epic failure with women I'd gladly get married if the circumstances were right.
Marriage ceremonies, to me, fall into the "I don't get it" category. When you think about it, they really seems ridiculously pointless.
Two people are in love. The man goes out and buys a very expensive piece of metal and this somehow means that he loves her. Spending money on metal=love. Stay with me. He gets down on one knee (another tradition that seems to have make no fucking sense in today's society) and asks the girl to marry him. She starts going ape-shit (because she believes marriage is important for some reason).
They both go out and spend thousands of dollars on flowers, a church, a tuxedo, a dress that's impractical more than anything, dresses for other women, a cake, hors d'oeuvres, other food, a minister...do I need to go on? The point being they spend an absurd amount of money.
The dude at the front blabs for a bit using flowery language to make the ceremony seem more meaningful and less like the sham that it actually is. The bride and groom basically say "I love you" (something they've undoubtedly done countless times before) but more elaborately (vows). They kiss for some reason (again, something they've done many, many times before). They sign some shit, pose for photos, maybe get into a fancy car that they would have paid even more money for, go to a second place with the same people that were at the marriage ceremony, everyone dances and gets drunk and goes home.
Then the bride and groom wake up the next morning with a hangover and if they're smart, realize "Hey, this situation is kind of...exactly like...it was a week ago. I'm me, you're you, we live together and we're in love. Tell me....why the fuck did we spend all that money on all that shit?"
Really, why do we need marriage ceremonies? As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a legal thing, not a love thing. You shouldn't need to buy a bunch of shit to show someone you love them, which is all that marriage ceremonies are. The only thing you really need is the marriage certificate. Good. Go down to the courthouse, sign some shit, and get your certificate. That's what marriage should be. Not a bunch of flowery bullshit that doesn't mean anything. Love is love, my friend.
Marriage doesn't mean a damn thing except in a legal sense. It doesn't mean love and it certainly doesn't mean eternal fidelity. If it did, there wouldn't be so many divorces. So go ahead and get married. I would. But try to be realistic about the whole thing.
How are you? I am fine. I wish to start by saying that you're a very cute little girl. But your commercial annoys the piss out of me.
You're still very young, only 4 and a half, so I feel it's my duty to inform you of some of the harsh realities and injustices to come in your life in order to prepare you for the utter disappointment you will experience as you come of age.
It saddens me to tell you that even though your parents have likely taught you to never tell any lies, the world we live on is jam-packed full of them. Remember those nice people in two piece suits that gave you juice and cookies when you were filming your commercial? See, they weren't actually being nice to you because they wanted to be your friend, they were doing something called "exploiting you." That means that they wanted to use your age and your cute-as-a-button qualities to sell computers and make money for themselves. Have you wondered why you haven't seen those nice people since you stopped filming? That's just it, Kylie, you were never their friend. Money was more important to them.
You're a child, Kylie, and so I'll bet you can't wait until you're a grownup just like mommy and daddy, huh? Won't that be exciting? Nobody to tell you that it's bedtime or that you have to eat your carrots if you want dessert? Wouldn't it be great to do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, and go to bed whenever you want? I hate to burst your bubble, Kylie, but mommy and daddy have people telling them what to do as well. These people are called the government and you should learn now that despite what they will tell you, they don't have your best interests in mind and they don't care about you.
Do you like orange juice, Kylie? It's tasty, isn't it? And good for you too. Well, imagine if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't make, drink, buy, or sell orange juice any more because it is bad for you, morally wrong, and has no useful purposes in today's world. Suppose after hearing this you went out and bought a bottle of orange juice. Wouldn't you be upset if they found out and sent you to your room for making a personal decision to put something into your own body that they've given you false information about, and even if it was bad for you, wouldn't harm anyone but you, the person who made the choice to put it into yourself in the first place? The government does this every day, Kylie.
They will tell you lies that will determine how you dress, where you can go, what you can do, and what you can put into your own body. They will deny you rights for no good reason. Remember the camera you used to take a picture of your fish Dorothy? What if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't use that camera any more because of a tiny, tiny chance that Tommy, the mean boy from down your street, will come over to your house, plug the camera into the wall and drop it in Dorothy's tank, killing her? What if they told you that you couldn't ride your bike, watch Dora, or jump rope because Tommy might hurt you when you did these things? What if Tommy then moved away, but they wouldn't give your favourite playtime activities back? Worse yet, what if your parents dropped the camera into Dorothy's tank and blamed it on Tommy just so they could take away some of your basic playtime activities? Never trade your liberties for the illusion of security, Kylie.
As you grow up you'll hopefully realize that the big beautiful world you know now is full of lies. Lies from television and newspapers telling you what to think and how to feel. Maybe Tommy's not really that bad of a kid. Maybe his parents are telling him that you, Kylie, are evil and that's why he wants to hurt you. I think maybe if you both stopped listening to the lies that your parents are telling you and actually talked to each other, you'd discover that you have a lot in common and there is no need to kill each other. And yes, you or your peers will be told lies to get you to kill other people.
Anyway, Kylie, I've spoken at great length here and although I'm not even close to finished, I must be going. I just want to prepare you. Do not let smiling people in suits exploit you and don't trust anyone. I was once a chipper little kid like you and then I grew up and discovered the true workings of the world. Now I'm a cold, skeptical, pessimisstic asshole (pardon my language, Kylie).
Enjoy your childhood while you can before you're old enough for them to really start telling you what to do. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, Kylie.
Damn it, I remember (vaguely, mind you) when going to see a movie meant going to see a movie. But today you don't just go to the theatre to see a movie, you go to plant your ass down and take in roughly 10-11 hours of Coca Cola and Levis ads. Once you're through that, you can give youself a pat on the back and rest easy knowing that you've finally made it. Made it all the way to the elaborate and expensive looking "Coming Attractions" intro. At this point you're thinking, "Christ Almighty, do I still have my ticket stub on me? I'm going for a smoke."
Like, what the fuck is going on? The coming attractions I can understand because you're in a movie theatre and it makes sense to advertise upcoming movies in a movie theatre. That doesn't mean I enjoy watching them, it just means I see where they're coming from.
Back in the day I remember the coming attractions portion being quite tolerable and I'd imagine that has to be true because I would have been a kid and very antsy. If my squirmy little 10 year old ass could sit through the previews without getting up and tearing through the theatre throwing poporn everywhere, they couldn't have been too bad.
But then the coming attractions segment got super long. I was older and more patient, but even then I remember thinking, "This is...kind of ridiculous." And a few times I even forgot what movie I had come to see for a second or two. But length aside, it was still "Coming Attractions" so it was somehow acceptable.
Then the day came when (gasp!) a Coke ad was played before the coming attractions. Imagine! A TV advertisment in a movie theatre! How devilishly scandalous! It was only a minute long though so it's brevity made this risquee move relatively harmless.
And here we are today when we actually have to sit through an endless stream of advertisements that are completely unrelated to movies or movie theatres. Those boring-ass Telus ads with the animals on a white background are bad enough on TV. I have no desire to see them on the big screen with surround sound. Seriously, this is not one 60-second ad we're talking about here. It's not something that you can laugh off and say "Whatever" to. I mean, you could walk three towns over for a glass of beer and return before this shit is over and they still have the audacity to show a bunch of trailers for shitty romantic comedies.
I go to the theatre like once a year and I'm still fed up with this crap. I think I've discovered why I have trouble sitting through movies. By the time the movie starts I need to walk around and stretch my legs. It's absurd.
Oh no, oh HAIL no! You gotta be joking me. No, no, no, no. This cannot be.
Today I found out that the United States president, yes, the man you all look up to, get this....SMOKES!!! He smokes! Cigarettes! Can you believe it?! Questionably THE most popular man on the planet right now....he SMOKES!
I, for one, can't believe this and will not tolerate it. The last thing a man in charge of a country at war should be doing is getting cancer. He smokes! I still can't believe it! This is definitely headline news. People should know about the U.S. president's habit. As far as I'm concerned, this is way more important than the state of the economy, the war, the events in Iran, and even the government keeping UFOs under wraps. Seriously! The president of the United States of America...SMOKES CIGARETTES!!!
I honestly can't understand why the media is not all over this. He's smoking! Cigarettes! Doesn't President Obama know that cigarettes are bad for you? Isn't he worried about getting the cancer? It hasn't even been a day since I found out and I still can't believe the president of the U.S. smokes!
Seriously, there should be impeachment immediately. I mean, the president smokes! Do you honestly think a SMOKER could run America? I think not. All smokers get cancer and we can't have the U.S. president dying in a year because he SMOKES! I mean, what's next? A heroin using president? Presidents of the U.S. should:
-be white -be male -be a virgin -be Christian -never have ingested any of the devil's drugs -enjoy only things that the......well....no. Enjoy nothing. Whatever it is, it's a sin, it's unhealthy, and it's WRONG!!!
God damn. The president of the U.S. smokes. I never thought I'd see the day. This is what happens when you let young people vote. You should have to be at least 40 to vote. Anyone under 40 can't make logical decisions. Especially in regards to SMOKING!!!
The president smokes. This is truly the end of the world. The internet agrees with me.
I've decided to go on strike because apparently everyone else in this city is doing the same. I don't have a boss that tells me what to put on my site, but if I did, I imagine he'd tell me write about Jon and Kate, which I won't do because I honestly don't give a fuck about them or anyone who, for some incredibly retarded reason, treats them and their family as news. So for that made up reason, I'm going on strike.
Well, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Sorry, but I'm not going on strike. I just needed an intro for my rant about these morons lining up at the LCBO with obscene amounts of booze like this "maybe/maybe not" strike is Y2K Jr.
I'll give exception to the people who run bars and pubs and whatnot who rely on the LCBO to provide them with the liquor they serve. But methinks that the LCBO is not jam packed solely with bar owners this evening. There are 3 other groups of people stocking up tonight: alcoholics, dumbass wine aficionados, and plain old empty-headed dickweeds.
Someone please explain this behaviour to me. Why is there this intense need to stock up on liquor? The Beer Store's still going to be open. Is there something wrong with popping a beer if the liquor store strikes?
Silly me...of course there is. To these ignoramuses at least. The alcoholics need hard liquor because it gets them drunk quickly and efficiently. The wine aficionados need wine because they're better than me and wouldn't be caught drinking beer, nectar of the peons. And the plain old empty-headed dickweeds need liquor for their faggoty little daiquiris and other pansy mixed drinks. I just can't respect anyone who enjoys drinking a Shirley Temple with half a shot of vodka in it.
I truly would enjoy it if they announced no strike. Just to witness these people's heads drop as they curse, "....shit. Just...(sigh)...shit."
But at least the ones in Toronto would be able to get mashed as they watch their garbage bag total slowly creep upwards to match their liquor bottle total. You win some, you lose some.
This update would have been more relevant several months ago, so sue me.
The original "Hope" poster just slightly irritates me because personally I find it really hard to look at. It's just ugly. The colour scheme is just awful. It's like they chose a four year old to pick out the colours and decided beforehand that they'd just run with whatever colours the kid randomly picked. The two main shades just don't match properly. It looks like barf.
Then you've got all the parodies and personalized "Hope" posters. I've done some research and what I've concluded is that 100% of them are not funny. Nor are they cute or original. People seem to think they're being clever by making a "Hope" poster with their own face on it. They're not. All they've managed to do is take a sensible, attractive photo of themselves and turn it into a bland, ugly piece of dog shit.
I studied the "Hope" poster for a long time last night trying to figure out what the hell the big deal was. I was just about to give up and throw it in the garbage, but I thought I'd give my backup theory a go, though I was pretty sure it would be a flop. So I went out and I bought a pair of those cheap red and blue 3D glasses that are made of cardboard and I put them on. Alas, I was right. My 3D Obama theory didn't work either. The president was still as two dimensional as the idiots crying and shrieking "Yes We Can!" at the inauguration.
All I'm trying to say is, stop making ugly rip-offs of ugly posters. If you're going to choose such a terrible colour scheme, I jolly well better be getting some eye-popping 3D action from it. End of story.
Yeah, it's Father's Day and I'm here to sound like an asshole again. With all due respect to my parents, I'm sick of being guilted into buying shit. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are just stupid. How did we get to the point where it's basically a requirement to buy someone some piece of useless crap to celebrate otherwise you're cheap and a dickhead?
I'm stuck in this commercial trap and it's a nightmare. I want to just tell my parents I love them and thank them for pissing away their awesome lives to raise a little terror. And if I have children, (which is a "dream" on the horizon at this point), I'd expect them to do the same. How does a fucking GPS system tell dad you love him? If my son got me a GPS system I'd sit him down, tell him to take that overpriced piece of shit back to Best Buy, and make him write "I love you, Dad" on a post-it note. All of these electonics they're whoring out don't say "I love you and thanks", they say, "I'm a cluless fuck who got duped by the marketing machine once again."
But no, if I simply say "I love you and thanks" there's a long pause and the other person stares at me as if to say, "...there's a gift coming too, right?" Damn it, this is why I hate Christmas too! I can't opt out of the dumbass "buy a bunch of shit" tradition without being "cheap." Aaargh! Father's Day! It's supposed to be about letting your father know you appreciate him, not supporting big-box stores.
And besides, my dad hates all the electronic crap that all the commercials are saying he'll love. My dad's kind of like me (or vice versa), the only difference is that I bitch about everything and he basically just ignores it. But we both use very little. Neither one of us needs more stupid shit. People buy us stupid shit all the time because...well, I've already been over that...and we don't need it! Nobody does! Fuck iPods and Blackberries and cell phones and toasters and TVs and all of these damned gizmos they're pumping out at an alarming rate. It's all stupid shit.
I say, down with stupid shit and let's take Father's Day back from advertisers.
I assume the majority of male readers will hate me for saying this, but Urinal Code is fucking dumb. I find it terribly ironic that men, in an effort to maintain their status as a man's man and avoid being thought of homosexual, will fuss over petty, insignificant details, something normally associated with...their FEMALE counterparts!
The video left out two parts to urinal code that I have witnessed:
1)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal, use a stall. 2)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal OR use a stall, wait until you can occupy a urinal that is not beside one in use.
The bathroom in the bar that I go to every Friday has two urinals and one stall so I've seen Urinal Code in effect quite routinely. I've been in the situation where I'm taking a piss and someone walks in and despite there being a free urinal, they go for the stall.
My view of Urinal Code is this: I have to piss, there's a toilet, it's free, and damn it, I'm using it. I really couldn't give a fuck about another man's deep-seated homophobia. Pissing is a normal bodily function and guess what? You're in a bathroom, genius. Pissing beside others is expected and it doesn't make you gay. Grow up and grow a pair. I don't have time to dick around at the back of the washroom playing number games in my head while my bladder bursts.
That said, I don't deliberately break Urinal Code. I follow it to some degree, just not if it inconveniences me. For example, if there are 5 urinals and only 1 is taken, I don't march up and drop trou right next to him. We all need personal space. Likewise, I don't look around the room or at anything besides the wall in front of me and I don't speak unless spoken to. I never initiate urinal conversation, but if someone strikes up, I have no problem with brief small talk. I'm not one of those guys that gets weirded out by talking in the bathroom and I have to say I don't understand why some guys do.
Urinal Code, as far as I'm concerned, is just a bunch of guys trying to act tough, but actually coming across as very wimpy and insecure in the process. We're all human beings here. Can't we all just take a piss without fretting over absurd rules?
What is going on this week? Is it just me or is Larry King being shit on? See, I was under the impression that he was a qualified and respected anchor/interviewer and good at what he does. But this week he's been stuck chatting with morons.
Larry King should be delivering hard-hitting, informative reporting. That's the kind of thing I see him doing. Not asking the Jonas Brothers about their girlfriends, as he's doing tonight. He's too good for that and he's above it.
Tuesday he had Kathy Griffin on his show and it was awful. I have to admit that I've never followed any of her stuff even though I've known her name and what she does for years. I realized how thankful I am for that time in the dark because she turned out to be really, really annoying. She was unfunny, wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the whole interview was just awkward.
And on Monday (I believe?) he had to talk with Idol winner David Cook. Like, what the hell?! Why does such a good anchor get stuck covering absolute fluff? I really feel sorry for him. Why isn't he given the opportunity to use his talents to cover Tehran or Obama's latest doings? Get these fucking pop stars off the news network!
I had a downright ghastly experience at the gas station last night. I was driving home from work and hadn't eaten in a long time so I decided to stop at a gas station at about the halfway point to grab a bag of chips. I don't usually stop at this gas station, but as I pulled in I assumed I'd be able to grab my chips, pay, and leave. If that was the case though, I wouldn't be writing this.
Maybe I'm just not up to speed on gas station culture, but the Shell station I stopped at was seriously taking security on a joyride. I got out of my truck and noticed a younger guy outside talking to the clerk through a little window beside the register. I payed no attention and walked up to the doors, pulled, and discovered they were locked.
So I went over to the little window where the guy was still paying for his gas and smokes and waited. When he was done I said loudly to the clerk through the window, "Can I get a bag of chips or are you guys closed?" He replied back that he couldn't open the door but he could pass me them through the window.
Now this window was more of a small box attached to the side of the store. There was a door that the clerk could open and a door that the customer could open. They couldn't be opened at the same time though for security reasons I guess.
So the clerk goes around the counter and over to the chips and he starts pointing at bags and looking at me to signal to him which bag I want. But the aisle is set up in a way that I can't see what he's pointing at. So I keep repositioning myself and eventually I lean way over and it looks like he's pointing at the bag I want so I just give him a thumbs up and it's not the bag I wanted but fuck it, I'm sick of this shit and I feel like a moron.
Then he brings the wrong chips around and rings them up and go figure, I don't even have enough change to pay for them. So I have to put them on debit and have him stretch the fucking machine through the stupid god damned window-box piece of shit. And then we go through this whole process of him trying to pass me the chips through the window and it not working out because we're both trying to open our little doors at the same time and it doesn't work like that!
What the hell?! Why must I feel like a criminal at the gas station?! I felt like I was in a reverse prison cell and instead of passing stuff to me through a lockable slot in the door, they were passing my shit out. I understand the need for security at convenience stores, but isn't this taking it a little far?
It took me like four and a half hours to buy a bag of chips when I could have just walked in, gotten the RIGHT DAMNED KIND, plopped them on the counter, and paid. I'd have been in and out in 30 seconds. Instead I had to mouth words, play charades with a guy and pass a bunch of shit through a fucking window.
Next time hunger strikes while I'm driving, I'm pulling over and eating grass and dirt out of the ditch. I can't say it will be pleasant, but it will be filling and I won't need to be a theatre major to get some chow.
Dear God, why?! Why?! I really hate how you can't unsee things.
You're probably a little confused. Why is the title an exclamation of disgust? Why do I want to apparently unsee Milo and Otis, such an innocent children's movie? Well, I'm here to tell you, friend.
<<< SPOILER ALERT >>>
Milo and Otis was a family favourite when I was a kid. Dudley Moore's charming narration and British Bob Saget-like animal voices could always coax a smile from my brother and I. Then I grew up and the our video just kind of disappeared and was forgotten about.
A couple weeks ago I read something online that mentioned the movie and I had one of those "OMGZZZ I TOTES FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!!" moment and decided that if I happened to come across it in the video store I'd check it out again for old time's sake. Well, I did see it in the video store and I did rent it.
Today I watched it and was having a nice trip down memory lane. Milo didn't die when he went over the waterfall in a box...Otis rescued his friend from a hole that he was trapped in...and then DEAR SWEET GOD WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! THE CAT JUST SHIT OUT A KITTEN! IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP! WITH INCREDIBLE DETAIL!
I spent the next hour and a half periodically dipping my head into a bucket to expell my lunch of yogurt, Werther's Original, and caffeine tablets. My head was spinning. How could this be? It was like the filmakers wanted to drop an atomic bomb on my friendly, sunny mosey down memory lane. And then crash like 6 trains into it.
This was not in the script. I was supposed to watch this movie without crapping yogurt out my mouth. I couldn't remember ever seeing graphic footage of a cat dumping out the brood. Of all the times I watched Milo and Otis as a kid, I can't remember ever being completely grossed out. Was the scene cut from the copy I had? Have I just become a huge pussy (no pun intended) in my age? Either way, I'm now traumatized.
In closing, use your best discretion when watching Milo and Otis. It gets pretty rough. Apparently you get to see the dog laying egg as well, but I was too busy vomitting and crying like a little girl to notice. Speaking of which, fun fact: yogurt has pretty much the same consistency coming out as it did going in. The more you know.
Can this guy just fuck off and find a hobby already? In case you're unaware, Blagojevich was governor of Illinois until he was kicked the fuck out at the beginning of the year for being such an assclown. No wait, for being a corrupt politician, or as I like to call them..."politicians." Ever since he got his just desserts he's been popping up periodically on the news in what seems to be a desperate stab for attention.
I just saw him on the news performing in a Second City musical called "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". He was standing on a chair singing. I think Rod's officially lost it. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing him auditioning for American Idol or announcing his new clothing line. He just seems like he's given up.
Aside from his occasionally televised "pity coverage', I just can't stand the way he looks. He looks like the result of Spencer Rice having sex with a lab rat. He grew up, entered politics, got a really terrible haircut, and started whining incessantly.
Christ, I saw enough of this guy during the whole impeachment process in January. After he was kicked out I was relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to look at his dumbass hair and tiny eyes every day. But he keeps coming back! He won't stay in Hell!
Blago, go away. At least when your look-alike Spencer Rice whines about everything it's funny. You're just damned irritating.
Don't you hate it when you just want some ice cream and the girl at the counter asks what flavour you'd like and you're suddenly caught in that awkward but critical moment when you have to decide whether you should sheepishly mutter "Very Berry Strawberry" or just point and say "...that one."? I sure do. Almost as much as I hate opening sentences that seemingly never end.
I spent roughly 10 seconds thinking of stores that offer cutesy flavours and I came up with 2 (though I'm sure there are many more): Baskin-Robbins and Kernels. I don't understand why they have to embarrass people just for some cheap creativity. Honestly, can we cut the crap? I don't want Sting Me or Bahama Mama or Super Kid. Just gimme a fucking bag of popcorn!
It sucks, because usually the only people working at these places are cute girls and there's no way to say you want a Rock 'N Pop Swirl cone and still seem like maybe you're cool. Given, Rock 'N Pop Swirl sounds mighty suggestive and it just might work in different circumstances. In the ice cream parlour, though, it just sounds a little creepy.
But you know, for comedy's sake, a small part of me wants them to come up with an outrageously long flavour that would just piss everyone off. Even the "Okey-Dokey" dads who seem to be totally comfortable reciting these dumbass flavours. "Try our new Rava-Flava Totally Tastetasic Toffee Nut Syrup and Poppin' Peanut/Pecan Vanilla and Chocolate Devilish Double-Up Swirlclone in your choice of Reggie Cone, Waffle Cone, Sugar Cone, Sprinkle Cone, or Deep-Fried Bacon-Wrapped Cone!"
Guaranteed, most people wouldn't even bother with that shit. They'd order a small vanilla cone, get the fuck out of there, and thenceforth visit Granddad's Olde-Tyme Creamatorium, a shack on wheels, where, although Granddad is a registered sex offender and routinely gets 'Nam flashbacks, he's still a lot more mentally stable than those fucks at Baskin-Robbins.
I have a real problem with nightclubs, namely that every fucking aspect of them is incredibly stupid. So let's begin.
1)Dancing. It blows. I've had my share of drunk girls pull me onto the dance floor and every moment I'm there is pure fucking agony. Part of it being that I can't dance worth two shits. I've got like 3 moves and they all suck ass. I'm just not creative that way. But mostly it's just my belief that dancing is for idiots. I've got this idea that dancing is just a byproduct of our animal brains. Hard to put it in words but I picture clubbers' brains as being just, "Me want girl. Me move body for girl. Girl think sexy. Girl want Clubber." It just seems so fucking primitive and pointless and desperate.
2)Shitty music. Gosh, do I ever like dancing to 12 minute songs that are just 20 second segments looped over and over and over! Of course I don't. I already said I hate dancing. I honestly don't understand why people like these so called "beats". They're boring as fuck and they all sound the same. And that just covers those delightful clubs where everyone's on X. Let's not forget the hip hop/R&B houses of hell....I can't really go much further into them besides saying that their music is equally shitty.
3)Alpha males. Big muscles, thin beards, smelly colognes, and empty heads. Go the fuck home and take your ego with you. I want to slap these overly-confident assholes who think they're God's gift to the world. But I don't because they'd undoubtedly kick my ass. Badly.
4)Drunk girls. Don't take that the wrong way, I've got no problem with a girl who can drink. I'm talking about the girls who have two beers and then turn into complete fucking morons. Intellect is a major factor for me in deciding which girls are a turn-on. Which is why I will never hook up with Tila Tequila (among many, many other reasons). Why can't I ever talk to any drunk and smart girls at the bar?! Every one I talk to giggles, plays with my hair, and points out quite obviously that it's curly. They're loud, they're annoying, and they're fucking dumb as rocks.
Nightclubs are just a place where horny people meet to participate in inane activities, drink pussy drinks, and bullshit each other for a few hours. A pointless place for pointless people.
If you think the above picture is a bit depressing, I didn't even have the girl in the bed! God damn, what a waste of a day. I'm not saying I'm the most productive person in the world, but on average, I do more than stay in bed and watch DVD commentaries all day!
And it's not like I was watching deep, intelligent movies where the commentary was describing the movie's symbolism and whatnot. I was watching Ace Ventura, Mallrats, and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Not a whole lot of symbolism in giving someone the stinkpalm. It's pretty much something you take at face value.
It would have been bad enough if I had just stayed in bed watching DVDs all day. But I watched the commentaries, the telltale sign of having way too much time on your hands. On the other hand, though, at least I haven't taken to writing lengthy rants on the message boards at IMDB. Still, I feel like I could have been more productive with my day.
Watching skateboarding DVD commentaries would have been just cause for an immediate head examination. Do skateboarding DVDs even have commentaries? I sure hope not. It would just be 2 hours of losers desperately trying to find something interesting to talk about. "And...that was Jeremy doing a 180 shove-it....into a double heelflip....oh, and here's Brent....he smashed his nads on the rail like 19 times before he finally landed that....(sighs and looks at watch)"
Tomorrow I'm going to run for prime minister just to make up today's hopelessly lost productivity. That oughta even things up.
I was just looking at my movie collection and it occurred to me what an empty-headed teenager I was. The reason being that I own 3 skateboarding DVDs. Yes, folks, entire DVDs of skateboarding footage set to shitty music.
I haven't watched them in several years and with good reason I say. Who wants to watch skateboarding footage? It's god damned boring. I'd rather watch golf. Skateboarding is a guy flipping a board with his feet over and over. These guys need to kickflip their asses into a job interview.
The guys in these videos always look so wimpy too. They're always 85 pounds, they've always got their stupid hair in their eyes because they have stupid haircuts, and they're always wearing tight girls shirts.
I own one DVD called "The DC Video". Supposedly it's so creatively named after a skateboarding company, but given it's track record in my DVD player, I think it must be short for "The Dust Collecting Video".
Another one I own is called Yeah Right! Apparently named for the reaction one has while looking through one's DVD collection and realizing what a dumbass one was. The last one I own is a DVD some guys made called Opinion. Sadly, theirs aren't being heard in my household.
But enough with the lame jokes. What a waste of money. Anyone want 3 skateboarding DVDs for like 5 bucks? I won't judge...
...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.
First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.
It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.
Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!
See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."
Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!
Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.
The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.
The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.
I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.
I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.
I drive a vehicle so automtically I'm a self-centred asshole in some people's minds. But I'm about to become an even bigger asshole because today I'm ranting about major highways being closed so that some charity can throw an event to raise money for themselves.
This weekend it's the Heart and Stroke Foundation closing down the DVP and Gardiner so they can ride their little bicycles and roller blades. Sorry to be a heartless bastard and stroke my own ego, but get the fuck off the highways! Go to Fergus or something, I don't care. The only time I really have any need for the Heart and Stroke Foundation is when my blood pressure goes through the roof as a result of them closing the fucking highways! I don't think they realize that they're pissing off a lot of asshole motorists such as myself.
My drive in to work takes long enough as it is. I don't need detours that slow the traffic to a near stop. I don't like taking alternate routes through the city because all the pissed off people take the same routes. Drving through town is slow enough as it is. Add a bunch of people that would normally be on the highway and you've got yourself one hell of a nightmare, my friend. And Christ, traffic lights every 5 feet?
I think the real reason this concerns me so much is because when I think of thousands of cyclists riding down two of Toronto's major highways, I'm thinking HUGE FUCKING BIKER GANG! I've told you before that a pack of 8 or 10 bikers makes me nervous, but here we've got a gang of bloody thousands! They're liable to burn down the whole city and crucify us all!
No good can come from bikers closing down the highway. And that's why next time I'm going to rent a dump truck, set the cruise control, and "shut down their little event", knowwhaddamean?
I'm a lonely guy to begin with. I don't have many friends and rarely do I spend time with the few that I have. I mean, I rant online every day, is it that much of a surprise? So when someone calls me to hang out I try to do everything I can to make it work, which is hard with the unusual hours that I work.
A couple weeks ago my friend/bandmate informed me of a birthday party he was hosting for himself, which happened to be today. Since I work every Saturday night I did my best to get some time off and I succeeded in getting half of my shift off (7pm-11pm were supposed to be a non-issue for me). That was until yesterday, when I was given a special task.
"No biggie," I thought, "I'll still be able to leave by 7, 7:30 at the latest." Boy was I wrong. The special task ended up dragging on for-fucking-ever and I didn't finish until nearly 10:00. Since it would take me close to an hour to get to my friend's house, the birthday party ended up being a fucking write-off. FUCK!
Why today, man, why today? All year I've spent each Saturday doing fuck all at work because Saturday's are just like that here. The one time when I actually get to have a social life I get sprung with bullshit which completely denies me that opportunity. Woe is me.
All I wanted to do was drink a couple beers, play a little guitar, and have some fun. Thanks to my abysmal social life I probably won't see any of my friends for 3-4 months now. Because that's the way it's being working for me for the last couple of years.
I suck, work sucks, and I'm not even supposed to be here today!
If you've ever watched Rush play live you've probably noticed that Neil Peart has one facial expression and only one. It's kind of this constipated grimace. He always seems to look like he's thinking, "God damn it, not another tour. This shit isn't even fun anymore." It's like he's mentally rolling his eyes at the whole situation.
I've decided that Neil Peart either:
a) is a government robot and that's why he's so good (likeliest scenario). b) had a hardened authoritarian father who locked him in a dim cellar and made him practice the drums at least 9 or 10 hours a day. Neil was fed cabbage, processed meat (which actually contained almost no meat at all), and hose water twice daily and would be given a thorough lashing if he complained about blisters.
It can't be anything else.
Peart actally reminds me of a wise and solemn shaman with his headbands and stiff, wrinkly face. He seems like he's probably seen some shit. Maybe drumming produces some sort of visionary experience for him. Who knows?
I just don't like musicians that seem like they take their work way too seriously. Eric Clapton's been guilty of this as well. I'm not saying I have a problem with their music, in fact a lot of it's good. I just get annoyed with their attitudes. Music's supposed to be fun. Good times. They just need to crack a smile once in a while and not look like their talents are the result of childhood abuse.
Huh?! I know there are at least 2 versions of this commercial. You're pimping around watching TV (sorry, I just finished Threevening), commercials are on, another fucking lawsuit commercial comes up, everything's business as usual, and then WHAM! Buddy appears wearing a fucking cowboy hat?! Is this a joke?
He might as well just show up in a clown suit or a Power Rangers uniform. How can I ever be expected to watch a lawyer in a cowboy hat and take him seriously? I feel like his best method of winning a case is to bust out a lasso and hogtie everyone in the courtroom. He seems like he might have a very skewed understanding of how things work.
I picture court day as being quite routine until suddenly there's a huge crash and the courtroom doors explode open and there you see a snow-white stallion reared back on it's hind legs whinnying. Seated on it's back is Charles Binder wearing his cowboy hat, a pair of spurs, and a big gold star badge. He rides his horse up to the front without batting an eye, dismounts, ties his horse to the judge's bench, and declares "Let's begin, your Honour!"
I just can't take these Binder and Binder guys seriously. And it's not like I can pinpoint a reason why they're wearing cowboy hats in their commercials and I'm saying, "That's a dumb idea." I can't for the life of me figure it out. It just seems so random and unnecessary. Surely cowboy hats don't help these guys win cases and lawyers generally aren't known to don them. It's not like a guy playing a doctor on TV and wearing a white coat and stethoscope for credibility. The cowboy hat has no place in today's legal proceedings.
Now that I think of it though, I really would enjoy seeing someone one-up Binder and Binder and just do a whole commercial in Power Rangers costume. Perhaps that fat, pink, shapeless, bearded, beady-eyed Patrick Cox weirdo from the Tax Masters commercial.
Sorry, I don't have the internet capabilities (dial up) or patience to give you a video clip of this guy. But you're a big boy or girl. You can search "Richard Quest" on Youtube. It's not that hard. And if you don't have the time to do that, why are you even reading this?
Richard Quest. This guy makes me laugh and makes me cringe at the same time. He's a CNN reporter who, I swear, is Family Guy's British person's stereotype come to life. He's got huge teeth. He's really fucking loud.
Really, this guy's like a real-life caricature. I don't know how else to explain it. He makes me laugh because of his loud but sincere British way of speaking. Not to insult British people, but he's got a really unique style. He makes me cringe because he seems like just that: a caricature who insults intelligent British people. I mean, Mr. Bean knew what was going on. Mr. Bean probably could have made world peace in 5 minutes without even knowing it. How? Because Mr. Bean is fucking awesome.
What the hell am I talking about? Oh yeah, Richard Quest. Can we make this guy a Colbert or Daly feature? As of right now, I just can't take him seriously on CNN.
Tomorrow's update: Yesterday was my 100th rant, and I still couldn't write worth a fuck!
Whoa, whoa, hold on. Don't get all up in arms yet. Let me clear something up. I don't hate Cookie Crisp. I hate the fact that I'm 23 years old and not once in my life have I tasted what I would imagine is probably the absolute greatest fucking cereal of all time.
I mean, come on. Fucking cookies! For breakfast! How can that not be every kid's dream? The first time I saw a commercial for Cookie Crisp as a child my head almost exploded. I remember it well. I was watching Ninja Turtles and during a break a cartoon cop and robber came onto the screen. There were tiny cookies. There was milk. So far so good. And then..."part of this complete breakfast!"
I shouted, "HOLY SHIT!!!" at the top of my lungs and then quickly realized what I had done. My father came into the room and promptly defenestrated me for cursing. I'd like to say it was totally worth it, but it really wasn't since I still haven't had Cookie Crisp.
Not only would my parents probably never in a million years have bought it for me, to this day I have not seen one box of it on any shelf of any store I've ever been in. I'm actually starting to think it doesn't even exist and General Mills is just fucking with kids and having a good belly laugh over the whole thing. If there is anyone reading this who has actually obtained this elusive cereal and tasted it's sweet, sweet cookie goodness, please feel free to tell me all about it and be as detailed as possible!
Holy crap, I want this cereal so badly. So, so badly.
I'll start off by saying that I feel that I must be criticizing something which I don't understand here. Surely there must be a part to the picture I'm missing. Wine freaks and wine tastings just seem so ridiculously pointless to me.
I've never seen a wine aficionado that didn't give off an "I'm a complete pompous douchebag" vibe. They all seem to think they're better than everyone else. I can't stand seeing them swirl that small portion of wine at the bottom of the glass. I can't stand the way they waft the scent up to their noses and then eloquently describe it's aroma. And I can't stand the way they swish the wine around in their mouth, spit it out, and then comment on it's aftertaste.
I'm frightened of people who elevate beverages to a godlike status. Christ, it's just a drink, get over yourself. I don't see any milkshake aficionados. I don't see any soda water aficionados. Why the fascination with wine? Because it's commonly viewed as a sophisticated drink and so you have an excuse to get all high-nosed about it? Really, I don't care what type of grapes my wine was made from and what other things the taste is "reminiscent of". It's a drink and it gives me a buzz. Can we move on?
Wine tastings are horrid and I should hope I never have to attend one. All a wine tasting is is an open bar packed with assholes who are full of themselves and not even getting trashed. Which I think we can all agree is the point of an open bar. It shouldn't be a bunch of bespectacled 65 year old men with fat heads and white beards talking out of their asses and lecturing everyone. No thank you.
I have an idea of what would possibly be the best thing ever. You're at a wine tasting and you're ready to slap the next guy in a turtleneck who walks up to you and wants to chat about all the things you couldn't give a fuck about. Suddenly there's a huge crash behind you complete with the sound of shattering glass. You look behind you and some guy has passed out cold and fallen through a table, breaking it in half. He's now soaked in wine and people are gasping and slapping his face, trying to wake him up. You applaud and think to yourself, "Now there's a man who truly knows how to enjoy a wine tasting." How awesome would that be?
Really...wine people, just a bunch of snobby assholes.
I'm a crotchety 65 year-old man in a 23 year-old's body. I hate cell phones, don't understand teenagers, and listen to talk radio on the AM dial. Perhaps it's in your best interest to pay no attention to me.
