Joe Lieberman

What is up with this guy?

Everytime I'm reading an article that tells me what he's been up to, a few key words float through my mind: cranky, buzzkill, whiner, anti-fun, etc.

Now he's going after the internet. He doesn't have enough fascist control over it. It's the terrorists again. They might, like, uh, hack in or something, and like, fuck up our shit...and stuff. Right. It's always the terrorists. Every time you want to infringe a little bit more on people's liberties just scream "Terrorist" a little bit more and a little bit louder.

Lieberman reminds me of one of those old men that sees you working on something and insists on helping. You're managing fine and don't really want his help because he's old and slow and will probably screw something up, but you feel sorry for him because he doesn't have a lot going on for him and he's just so gosh-darned determined. So you give him something little to do just so he can keep his sense of self-worth.

American government, please stop allowing Lieberman to help! I know it's hard to do, but just flat out tell him, "Lieb-dog, don't get us wrong we appreciate all the ideas that have leaked from that massive head of yours and all the work you've done over the years. But frankly you're getting a little up there in years and we're not so sure anymore that you fully grasp reality. The internet? We don't want to presume, but you seem like the type of guy who's just now learning how to use a PC and spends 45 minutes hunt-and-pecking out a Twitter update.

Do it the Seinfeld way: like a Band-Aid, RIGHT OFF! It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

Stephen Harper...Again!

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

As a rule I'm going to begin each of my Stephen Harper rants with that. Jesus Christ, I am fucking livid. Fuck you, Harper, you're ruining this country. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Leave politics forever. Never come back. You're a fucking moron and I'll say it again, YOU'RE DESTROYING THE FUCKING COUNTRY. Ugh. I wish at the very least I could type in even bigger letters.

So what is this all about? Well, Stephen Harper, our "heroic" prime minister decided to take a 10 minute break from devouring kittens to pass legislation to hand out mandatory jail sentences to people growing marijuana. "Surely," you must be saying, "surely this is for people growing several hundred plants."

WRONG! It's a mandatory six month jail sentence for people growing ONE to two hundred plants and the jail time increases going beyond that. I'll say that again. ONE...to two hundred plants. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

Now we're in a situation where some otherwise law-abiding guy or girl can go to jail and quite possibly have their life ruined for growing ONE marijuana plant for personal use. This is completely god damned FUCKING looney tunes ridiculous.

Let's think about this. As it was, if you were caught growing you were taken to a judge who could, get this, JUDGE...and maybe let you off. But no, now it's wham, bam, six months right off the bat, possibly with more time depending on the circumstances. What, are we going to start releasing violent criminals because there is not enough room in our jails to hold the people who got caught with a damn marijuana plant?

Fuck you, Harper. I'll bet your idol George Bush comes over to your house every night and you two feast on kittens and then fuck each other in the ass on top of a pile of taxpayers' money and partially burnt flags. And here I was, stupid enough to briefly believe that our country was more progressive and reasonable than our neighbours to the south. What a kick in the nuts. Just when you think we're making some headway towards gaining back some of the freedom they're yanking away from us all at an alarming rate, they bend you over and anally rape you and set the country back decades.

It absolutely blows my mind how a group of people can decide for everyone that nature is illegal. For thousands of years people used marijuana for a plethora of different things and then a couple of assholes come along in the 20th century, spread outrageous lies, and outlaw it because it's "dangerous." It ruins lives, they say. Yeah, because you're fucking throwing people in jail for using a plant! The plant is not ruining anyone's life, your fucking lies and laws are!

IMPEACH THIS FUCKING DICKWAD RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

Sarah Palin Running for President

I know it's not breaking news that Sarah Palin could run for prez in 2012, but since the whole governor resignation thing made it's way into the news, I've heard more talk about it than usual. I will say this: it scares the crap out of me.

Man, we (and by we, I mean "they") dodged a bullet there in November. Even being vice-president of the guy that lost was way, way too close for me. If McCain won and then died, they'd be fucked. Absolutely fucked. And then the rest of the world would be fucked.

This talk that Palin could head straight for the big-time doesn't sit too well with me. Imagine if Dubya fell off a cliff and survived, but suffered massive head trauma and spent 8 weeks in a coma. Upon awakening he'd lost half of the few brain cells he had previously. He then proceeded to submerge his nude self in a vat of LSD for exactly one year. After emerging, he was clubbed in the head repeatedly by mafia members and spent another 6 months in coma. When he woke up the nurse gave him two good slaps across the face and shoved him into the Oval Office and told him to go to work. Imagine that guy running the United States of America. Now imagine if that guy were a woman. Presto! Sarah Palin!

Don't take this the wrong way, I have nothing against female presidents, but Palin is in a league of her own. If she got into office, I'll bet you people around the globe would BEG for George W. again. Palin would turn America into one giant Mormon. America would become one big cesspool of anti-everything. Anti-sex, anti-abortion, anti-smoking, anti-atheist, anti-fucking everything.

And politics aside, if Palin, by some miracle, got elected as president, I'd be off to the caves from Day 1 to spend the following 4 years in isolation. Although I don't agree with a lot of what he's doing in office, thank God Obama is not downright annoying to watch and listen to. At least he looks good and speaks well. If I had to put up with four years of Palin's "folksy" attitude and irritating voice, I'd flat out off myself.

Sarah, I appreciate your enthusiasm and drive and whatnot, but please, please keep it at home and away from an entire nation of people. We're all fucked, but we could, at the very least, prolong the inevitable hitting of rock bottom.

The Obama "Hope" Poster and the Zillions of Take-Offs On It

This update would have been more relevant several months ago, so sue me.

The original "Hope" poster just slightly irritates me because personally I find it really hard to look at. It's just ugly. The colour scheme is just awful. It's like they chose a four year old to pick out the colours and decided beforehand that they'd just run with whatever colours the kid randomly picked. The two main shades just don't match properly. It looks like barf.

Then you've got all the parodies and personalized "Hope" posters. I've done some research and what I've concluded is that 100% of them are not funny. Nor are they cute or original. People seem to think they're being clever by making a "Hope" poster with their own face on it. They're not. All they've managed to do is take a sensible, attractive photo of themselves and turn it into a bland, ugly piece of dog shit.

I studied the "Hope" poster for a long time last night trying to figure out what the hell the big deal was. I was just about to give up and throw it in the garbage, but I thought I'd give my backup theory a go, though I was pretty sure it would be a flop. So I went out and I bought a pair of those cheap red and blue 3D glasses that are made of cardboard and I put them on. Alas, I was right. My 3D Obama theory didn't work either. The president was still as two dimensional as the idiots crying and shrieking "Yes We Can!" at the inauguration.

All I'm trying to say is, stop making ugly rip-offs of ugly posters. If you're going to choose such a terrible colour scheme, I jolly well better be getting some eye-popping 3D action from it. End of story.

Rod Blagojevich

Can this guy just fuck off and find a hobby already? In case you're unaware, Blagojevich was governor of Illinois until he was kicked the fuck out at the beginning of the year for being such an assclown. No wait, for being a corrupt politician, or as I like to call them..."politicians." Ever since he got his just desserts he's been popping up periodically on the news in what seems to be a desperate stab for attention.

I just saw him on the news performing in a Second City musical called "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". He was standing on a chair singing. I think Rod's officially lost it. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing him auditioning for American Idol or announcing his new clothing line. He just seems like he's given up.

Aside from his occasionally televised "pity coverage', I just can't stand the way he looks. He looks like the result of Spencer Rice having sex with a lab rat. He grew up, entered politics, got a really terrible haircut, and started whining incessantly.

Christ, I saw enough of this guy during the whole impeachment process in January. After he was kicked out I was relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to look at his dumbass hair and tiny eyes every day. But he keeps coming back! He won't stay in Hell!

Blago, go away. At least when your look-alike Spencer Rice whines about everything it's funny. You're just damned irritating.

Our Dumb World

No affiliation with the Onion, which by the way is awesome. It's just the best way to describe this horror.

I was watching CNN again and they flashed up one of their polls (what you see above). Please, please for the love of god tell me I'm missing something or they just wanted to have a "silly poll". Please tell me we're not actually at the point where this is an honest question.

When they passed the bailout bill without reading it I was flabbergasted. I thought, "How could these assholes possibly get away with this?" Why would anyone ever consider passing legislation without even knowing what they're passing? This is completely unacceptable.

When I voted the obvious YES answer in the poll, the results showed that 23 people had voted NO. I'm honestly dying for an explanation. I really hope it's just mischievous people and there aren't people who don't have a problem with legislation that affects everyone being passed without even being looked at. If you would vote no, I really would like to hear why you feel that way.

Think of it like this: if Congress didn't read anything they voted on you could put whatever you wanted into the legislation and it would get passed. Think of what would happen if somebody slipped something into a bill that completely took away every civilian's rights. Congress passes it and presto, you are the government's property. They can do whatever they want to you and can make you do anything they want. If you refuse you are thrown in jail or killed. I'm not trying to sound extremist here, just an example. You'd probably wish that the bill was read.

Of course Congress should have to read everything they vote on. The fact that this is even being asked on such a reputable news network is sickening. And the fact that Congress can do and has done this without much opposition is just more proof that the government is fucking with us constantly and we're mostly just rolling over and taking it. Fuck.

Smart Reporters, Dumb Behaviour

I was watching CNN earlier today and they had the usual Robert Gibbs conference on at around 2. This particular conference was a regular hootenanny though. The reporters seemed to be asking Gibbs some pretty smart questions, but that was all ruined by the behaviour you see above.

How do you not know that your cell phone ringing during a White House press conference would be a distraction to everyone in the room? Even though the video only shows two, I'm pretty sure at least 3 cell phones rang during today's conference and on the 3rd one Gibbs stopped joking around and told everyone to put their phones on vibrate, clearly annoyed.

How does this even happen? How do 3-4 different cell phones ring in the span of about 20 minutes in the same press conference? The second guy in the video was a complete asshole. He actually answers his phone and holds everything up before he finally realizes that maybe he should take his stupid bullshit outside. Then he strolls back in while Gibbs is answering another question (not in the video) and he doesn't even seem like he's sorry for interrupting things like an ass. Gibbs jokingly welcomed him back.

Congratulations, reporters, you've succeeded in turning the White House press conference into a fucking kindergarten class. The nerve. At least there was some mild public shaming. That kinda made up for it. I guess.