Bros With the Doors Taken Off Their Jeeps

OMG, look at you!

The hot weather's here and it's time to bring your A-game! You're going to tell the world you're SO all about summer! You've just been hibernating for the last several months, simply aching for that day when you can remove the doors from your Jeep so everyone will know that sunshine and tasty waves coarse through your veins.

Canada? Who said anything about Canada? In your mind you're cruising the streets of Malibu whistling at the honeys. Only you don't have time to stop. There are shirts to wear unbuttoned, patios to sit on, Natty Ice's to sip. You're a fun-loving bro on the go!

So get your damn flip-flops on, Kevin. The party-mobile has Blink 182's "Dammit" ready to go at full blast and it's setting sail in 5 minutes! You're going to totally break Rule 115 of the Bro Code if you're not on it.

And let's not forget to stick our arms out the side and drum on the roof along with the music so other people driving can see we're listening to something really awesome. Coolness is at stake here, people! We need to blatantly display how chill we are as often as possible!

To the untrained eye, we may look like just a bunch of douchebags driving around suburbia in a Jeep, but actually the fact that the doors are off means we're on a safari! A good old-fashioned poon safari! But again...no time to stop. Too much bro stuff to do. Otherwise we'd totally hit that.

Summer! High-five, Kevin! If only everyone else knew how epic we are!



(Yes, I realize I switched POVs halfway through. I suck as a writer.)

Fishing Shows

A couple of nights ago I had a very interesting evening. I was meeting somebody at a bar before work and I showed up a little under an hour early. As I was killing time I damn near flipped out because there's only so much bullshit your brain can handle at one time. The steady stream of bullshit that everyday life brings is manageable for me, but this time at the bar was like a year's worth packed into 60 minutes.

First I arrived and grabbed a stool at the bar because I was there alone. In front of me were three TVs. And they were all playing the same show. Strike one, but I can let that slide. A lot of bars do this "same show on every TV" crap. It's fucking stupid as far as I'm concerned, but it's their retarded bar and I'm not going to tell them how to run it.

The thing that I just couldn't get over, though, was the fact that they were all tuned to WFN....the WORLD FISHING NETWORK! Dear God, father of all things holy, please deliver me from fucking fishing shows. I'm convinced that stupid people will watch ANYTHING if you slap a theme song on it. I mean, hell, they've got a channel that shows nothing but a burning fireplace around the holidays. It's literally called the Fireplace Channel. We are so fucked, guys.

But fishing shows? I'd rather spend four hours listening to Ben Stein read from the Bible. Fishing shows have to be man's most boring creation to date and I'm truly curious to know who is watching all of them. And why we need a WHOLE FUCKING CHANNEL DEDICATED TO THEM! AND WHY A BAR THINKS THIS IS SUITABLE ENTERTAINMENT!!!!

And the commercials are no better. All they sell is a bunch of crap that's supposed to help you find fish easier. Trust me, this stuff doesn't work. I bought one and all it did was beep when I pointed it at Madonna's crotch. Sorry, that was a stupid joke.

I can sum up every fishing show ever: guy in trucker hat talking about NOTHING, same guy holds up caught fish, guy throws it back, repeat several times, end credits. Is this shit exciting or what?!

The only thing worse is those damn poker shows where everyone's acting like the smoothest muthafucker this side of the Atlantic. Go fuck yourselves, you shallow pricks. Especially you, obligatory one guy in the cowboy hat.

Poker and fishing are stupid.

G20 Special: Violent Protesters

So the G20 summit has officially reached Toronto's downtown core and with it comes comes a tribe of highly employable, jabbering dickweeds. No, it's not the politicians I'm talking about. I mean Dick and Jane Windowpopper.

I'm all for protesting and speaking out for what you believe in. When I see people damaging property and basically causing shit, though, I have to wonder what these idiots are thinking. They appear to be trying to communicate with us. Perhaps their hemmorrhoids have flared up.

I really don't understand the logic in smashing windows.

"Now that a massive protest is occurring, I now have an excuse to engage in juvenile behaviour and most likely get away scot-free! I shall hurl a newspaper box through a Starbucks window. That will tell the world that as an individual I am opposed to any one of the following: Obama, Harper, police, capitalism, Israel, Palestine, 9/11, deodorant, frappuccinos, or intact glass panes. Bitchin'!"

Let's think about this now. If you're opposed to the summit, why are you destroying the front of a building that does not contain the people meeting? If you're opposed to the store or corporations or something like that, you're not doing anything by breaking a couple of windows. Business will go on after you've left. All you've succeeded in doing is piss off a storeowner and create a job for a window installer. Finally, if you're breaking the windows just for the sake of breaking shit, well, you're just an asswipe.

And what's all this I'm hearing about demonstrators being avoidant of the media? Now I'm to understand that you want to draw more attention to your message but you don't actually want to tell anyone what your message is? Alright...

Shit's getting real here and you're not helping.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!....(ahem)...The British Government

As I was saying, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

I've known that Britain was a big surveillance state, but this crosses the fucking line.

I urge you to read the link and look into it more, but if you're too lazy to even do that, here's a paragraph that sums it up:

According to the report, the government will use the cameras to make sure the kids are doing their homework and going to bed on time. They will engage in 'behavioural contracts' with the parents and ensure certain duties are met.

IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?! Hold on...calendar check.

Nope, it really is August, not April. I can't believe I'm reading this! Do I need to fucking say it again? Government, politicians, dipshits:

STAY....(are you with me?)...OUT....(still there?)... OF PEOPLES' FUCKING LIVES!

I'm really get fed up with all these governments that feel the need to intervene into and have complete control over every aspect of everyone's life. The government does not own us (them) and they have no right to do this. It's downright sickening. What kind of evil, drivel-brained assdicks dreamed up this idea in the first place? I'd surely love to pound their fucking skulls in with a baseball bat until their brains are all over the sidewalk. Maybe if I can speak directly to their splattered grey matter instead of trying to get through their thick-ass heads, they'll GET A GOD DAMN CLUE.*

But wait a second. If I have nothing to hide, why should I be worrying?

Can you stop with this absolute bullshit question? Every fucking time a privacy issue is raised I hear this. Fine. If you're that fucking dense, be my guest. Give up every last right you currently have. Please forward me your banking information, your complete internet history, which puppet candidate you voted for in the last election, and several nude photographs of yourself from all angles.

Don't you see? Everyone has something to hide. But oh, I'm just a random guy. Not government officials who are doing things in your best interest. Why would you disclose anything to me? The government(s) are corrupt. They don't give a fuck about you. They do give a fuck about having complete control over you however. We need to stop giving up our rights left, right, and centre.

Nobody needs these corrupt, greedy, power-hungry, shit-for-brains, dickweed cocksuckers making sure they're raising their children to set guidelines. Again, the government does not own you or your family. The fact that I even have to rant about this happening is abhorrent.

Oh and...(insert obligatory Nineteen Eighty-Four reference or comparison).


*I don't condone or support physical violence. Just trying to get my point across. Uh...I hope you're all writing those stern letters...

Assholes on Their Cell Phones at the Checkout Counter

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, IDIOT! MOVE IT! YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCK!

I see this from time to time and it truly does piss me off. I saw one today as a matter of fact. These morons chatting on their cell phones while waiting in line and continuing to do so while paying. How fucking impolite can you be?

These self-absorbed fucks don't even have the common decency to pull themselves away from their MEANINGLESS FUCKING CONVERSATIONS to greet the cashier and get out of there in a timely fashion like an NORMAL FUCKING PERSON! Gaaaah!

Let me clue you into something that apparently you're unaware of. The cashier you're completely ignoring....he's a person. Not a change machine. He has feelings too and he probably doesn't appreciate you treating him like a lesser person so you can continue to gab to your fat girlfriends about the pedicure you just got.

Perhaps you haven't been well versed in how these situations work. Let me help you out.

Step 1 - Grow a clue. (quite possibly the most important step)
Step 2 - Tell whoever you're yakking to that you choose to develop of reputation of "not a complete asshole" and you'll have to put the phone down for 20 seconds.
Step 3 - Smile.
Step 4 - Greet cashier.
Step 5 - Pay.
Step 6 - Move the fuck out of the way so others can pay.

It's that simple. Surely you're able to get a grasp on that. If you can't, I'm stunned that you have the mental capacity to buy a shitty cell phone in the first place.

For fuck's sake, stop being so self-centred, stop being so loud and obnoxious and nasally, and put down the phone for 20 god damned seconds. Thank you.

Those Damned Bees That Hover Around You!

Please, bee, please! Go the fuck away! I don't have anything for you! These aren't the droids you're looking for! Fuck off!

These bees have to be near the top of my "Raw Hatred" list that I have saved on my computer. Every so often I'll print out a copy and torch it or throw darts at it or grenade it just to blow off steam. No matter how many times I destroy it, nothing on the list seems to go away. Especially hovering bees.

All they do is dart around you like you're a flower or something. The won't get out of my face and when they get near the crotch that's when I start sweating. One wrong move and I'll have a cock the size of my forearm. Which, on second thought, might not be all that bad.

I'd love to know what the bee is thinking as it's being such an asshole. It has to be one of two things:

1) "Dum de dum de dooooo....doo doo dee dee dooooo....dee dee dum de dooo..."
2) (snicker, snicker, snicker) "You're pissed off, aren't ya? I'm just gonna go ahead and keep buzzing around your face for a few more minutes as you go batshit crazy. (snicker, snicker) Damn, it's good to be a bee. I could do this all day and there's nothing you can do about it. Swing at me, pussy, just try it. I'll getcha! (snicker, snicker) Naaah, I'll leave you alone for now. I'm outs to pick up some fine-ass bee bitches, son! Peace!"

Even though it's most likely #1, deep down I wish it would be #2. Just because it would be awesome if bees were actually badass like that and had bee bitches. I'll bet bee bitches are super easy and suck a mean stinger.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah...fuck off, bees!

Sean Jones and Saul Korman

I realize I've been lacking in the updates lately so it's another double shot day! My second piece about fat people is below this one.

Anyway, I felt the need to write about the two most annoying commercial voices we continuously got making appearances in Toronto. Somebody needs to get these people off the radio. Like immediately.

Sean Jones

If you don't know this guy by name, he's the annoying Spence Diamonds guy. The first thing he needs to do is take the enthusiasm knob that he's got cranked to 11 and dial it back a few points. I've heard his commercials. I get it. He's got jewellry at good prices. Stop reading ever sentence like it's the most mind-blowing news ever. Until Sean Jones came along I didn't believe overarticulation was a problem on radio.

And what's with the random sound effects? It's like he realized that his voice alone probably wasn't going to get his full potential clientele into his store but he was completely out of creative energy. "Fuck...I don't know...(whewwwww)...let's just, for no particular reason, add in sound effects that only children and morons would find funny."

I swear if I hear "WAAAOOOWW!!" one more time I'm going to start ramming other vehicles on the road. There has never been a more out of place sound effect in any other commercial ever. It's a damn jewellry store, not a Bud Light commercial. Even in a beer commercial that sound effect would be puke-inducing. Get the fuck off my radio.

Saul Korman

To illustrate my point with the man from Korry's Clothiers, I thoughtit would be appropriate to write a Korry's ad in mad lib form:

"Saaauul Korman here for Korry's Clothiers, 569 Danforth. Let me tell you we've got _________(adjective) suits from _______(plug), _______(plug), and ________(plug). And I know this because last week ____________________________________________ (boring story about his partners in the biz). And also, _________________(plug). So when you come to Korry's don't forget to check out _______________(plug). And I almost forgot, _____________(plug). Just wanted to say, ______________(irrelevant crap that applies to only to three people who probably aren't even fucking listening anyway). And before I go I need to mention __________(plug). Korry's, in the ______(body part) of Greektown, at 569 Danforth."


Saul Korman seems like a guy who has too much money and his guilty pleasure is to spend it on meaningless crap just for kicks. His commercials make me imagine a guy sitting around a big table with all of his business associates drinking scotches. It's been a good night, Saul's getting a littly jolly, and he tells everyone to shut up for s second and listen.

"As you all know, I've got a great deal of money. I've been running over this idea in my head for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to buy airtime on the radio. I'll say some stuff, but mostly I'M GOING TO MENTION ALL OF YOU GUYS!! IN EVERY FUCKING DAILY AD! NO WAY, I KNOW!

Ahem...now obviously I want to get word out about my store and all that crap....but mainly....I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR NAMES! ON THE RADIO! WE CAN ALL LISTEN AND REACT ACCORDINGLY WHEN WE HEAR THEM!

Ahem....now obviously we don't want normal listeners to think we're just a bunch of jerks with egos so we'll say some good crap about the store...I guess...but OH MAN! HOW WICKED WOULD IT BE IF I JUST PLUGGED YOUR GUYS' SHIT?! THIS IS FOR US, FELLAS! WE ARE ALL SUCH GREAT FRIENDS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY! I SHALL BUY A ROLLER COASTER!"

On the bright side, at least he's not so much of an asshole that he refers to himself as "Korry" in his spots. Either way, get the fuck off my radio.

Please Donate to the Canadian Hearing Society Today

I'm on to something here. I'm starting to figure it out. It's all becoming clear.

For years I assumed the people blaring shitty music from their vehicles were just assholes. I thought that they were brain dead gangstas who were so insecure about themselves that they chose to play their music loud enough that everyone within a two mile radius would hear it in hopes that one or two people would perk up, march over and ask if they could be peeps 4 lyfe.

My God, I feel simply terrible. How could I have been so insensitive? How, I ask you?! I've recently started putting the pieces of the puzzle together and I've come across a startling discovery.

SHITTY SUBSTANCELESS MUSIC DEVOID OF ANY SOUL CAUSES GRADUAL HEARING LOSS. You heard it hear, folks. Take a moment to gather your thoughts before continuing if you need to. I'll understand. When I came to this realization I sank back in my chair and felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over me and it stayed with me for days.

All of these years I've been criticizing these poor souls. The unfortunate truth is that they're oblivious to the fact that this is even happening to them. They aren't assholes, they're victims! The nerve I had...

I encourage everyone, if you're waiting at a red light and one of these lost causes rolls up beside you playing Flo Rida so loud that the bass is making your car fall apart, don't curse him, salute him! Show him your support. He is in the Profound Stage of hearing loss and needs your love. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and you'll soon realize that this man can barely hear his own music. To you it sounds like an atomic bomb exploding but to him it must sound like the quiet murmur of a clock radio gently lulling someone into a good night's sleep.

Now, don't go kissing my hand and thanking me repeatedly for making this discovery just yet. I'm still studying this phenomenon. Working out the bugs, you know how it is. What I know so far is that it's definitely just shitty substanceless music devoid of any soul. You never see any cars driving through town blaring Lynyrd Skynyrd or Debussy. It's always hip hop and awful techno music. That's because Skynyrd and Debussy wrote with feeling and passion and their music was good. Hip Hop and awful techno music are not. When your music is good, your hearing is good and there's no need for the blare-a-thon, do you follow?

However, I'm still trying to find precisely what it is about awful music that causes hearing loss in the first place. I have a theory, but I'm going to need to work with a crack team of researchers to determine whether or not it has any merit.

It involves the old saying "Music feeds the soul." There may be some truth to it. Now, I'm no expert on souls (again, this is where the crack R&D department comes in), but could it be possible that our soul resides in our ears? It's a bit out there, I know, but bear with me. Okay, supposing our souls reside in our ears, music feeds the soul, and given the fact that hip hop, rap, and shitty techno can barely be classified as music (this is scientifically proven), would this not lead to our souls becoming malnourished? Souls in ears...malnourished...hearing loss? I'm fucking onto something here!

Tomorrow I will visit the Canadian Hearing Society and share this with them. I hope to work closely with their team to get to the bottom of this and stop the insanity. So please, please, please donate what you can. It doesn't have to be this way.

Music blarers: They're not assholes, they're victims. God bless.

Stephen Harper...Again!

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

As a rule I'm going to begin each of my Stephen Harper rants with that. Jesus Christ, I am fucking livid. Fuck you, Harper, you're ruining this country. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Leave politics forever. Never come back. You're a fucking moron and I'll say it again, YOU'RE DESTROYING THE FUCKING COUNTRY. Ugh. I wish at the very least I could type in even bigger letters.

So what is this all about? Well, Stephen Harper, our "heroic" prime minister decided to take a 10 minute break from devouring kittens to pass legislation to hand out mandatory jail sentences to people growing marijuana. "Surely," you must be saying, "surely this is for people growing several hundred plants."

WRONG! It's a mandatory six month jail sentence for people growing ONE to two hundred plants and the jail time increases going beyond that. I'll say that again. ONE...to two hundred plants. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

Now we're in a situation where some otherwise law-abiding guy or girl can go to jail and quite possibly have their life ruined for growing ONE marijuana plant for personal use. This is completely god damned FUCKING looney tunes ridiculous.

Let's think about this. As it was, if you were caught growing you were taken to a judge who could, get this, JUDGE...and maybe let you off. But no, now it's wham, bam, six months right off the bat, possibly with more time depending on the circumstances. What, are we going to start releasing violent criminals because there is not enough room in our jails to hold the people who got caught with a damn marijuana plant?

Fuck you, Harper. I'll bet your idol George Bush comes over to your house every night and you two feast on kittens and then fuck each other in the ass on top of a pile of taxpayers' money and partially burnt flags. And here I was, stupid enough to briefly believe that our country was more progressive and reasonable than our neighbours to the south. What a kick in the nuts. Just when you think we're making some headway towards gaining back some of the freedom they're yanking away from us all at an alarming rate, they bend you over and anally rape you and set the country back decades.

It absolutely blows my mind how a group of people can decide for everyone that nature is illegal. For thousands of years people used marijuana for a plethora of different things and then a couple of assholes come along in the 20th century, spread outrageous lies, and outlaw it because it's "dangerous." It ruins lives, they say. Yeah, because you're fucking throwing people in jail for using a plant! The plant is not ruining anyone's life, your fucking lies and laws are!

IMPEACH THIS FUCKING DICKWAD RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

Road Warriors Part 3: The Two Idiots With Vanity Plates

Most vanity plates are stupid. Every so often though, you'll get a comedic genius behind the wheel who has come up with something that makes you chuckle. Given the two plates I saw today on my drive in to work, the individuals behind the wheel were NOT comedic geniuses.

The first one I saw came as a red Ferrari Testarossa came up on my left side. I glanced over as most people would do upon glimpsing a rarely seen car. The first thing I thought was, "Nice car...your love muscle is on the stubby side, isn't it?" And then as it passed I saw the licence plate and it was painfully obvious that the man driving was a total dickhead.

"HOT 4RE"

Great. You've proudly indicated to the world the vehicle you're driving and your opinion of it. Where do we go from here? I've never met you, but already I can tell you're a rich asshole who is too absorbed in his mode of transportation. Tell you what, let's cut the crap and I'll shell out the cash to buy you a new plate with a little more truth and a little less self-importance attached. "TNY DCK", maybe. Or "RCHASHL", perhaps. Or maybe you could ask the woman with the second plate I saw today if you can have hers...

"IM SPCHL"

(nice segue, huh?) This woman drove up past me, again on the left, just a minute after the Ferrari passed and since she was the next car in the lane after it, I thought maybe I should get off the road quick. Evidently I was sharing the road with some not too bright people this particular afternoon and things could turn dangerous.

Yes, lady. Yes you are special. But all crazy person jokes aside, this woman was worse than the Ferrari guy as far as I was concerned. The guy only implied that he was a pompous moron. This woman blatantly advertised that she's full of herself. Why did she feel the need to go about displaying her narcissism on her car? It's not like someone was handing out free bumper stickers and she casually slapped one onto the bumper. It takes some work to get licence plates.

I picture her waking up one morning and skipping down to the MTO office singing "I love meeeee! I loooove meeeeee!" and then waiting in line for half an hour with a shit-eating grin on her face that just won't go away.

Either that or she's just a cold bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else. Sorry, lady, driving a '97 Corolla doesn't make you a goddess. Better luck next plate.

These people...I'll tell you...

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Rod Blagojevich

Can this guy just fuck off and find a hobby already? In case you're unaware, Blagojevich was governor of Illinois until he was kicked the fuck out at the beginning of the year for being such an assclown. No wait, for being a corrupt politician, or as I like to call them..."politicians." Ever since he got his just desserts he's been popping up periodically on the news in what seems to be a desperate stab for attention.

I just saw him on the news performing in a Second City musical called "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". He was standing on a chair singing. I think Rod's officially lost it. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing him auditioning for American Idol or announcing his new clothing line. He just seems like he's given up.

Aside from his occasionally televised "pity coverage', I just can't stand the way he looks. He looks like the result of Spencer Rice having sex with a lab rat. He grew up, entered politics, got a really terrible haircut, and started whining incessantly.

Christ, I saw enough of this guy during the whole impeachment process in January. After he was kicked out I was relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to look at his dumbass hair and tiny eyes every day. But he keeps coming back! He won't stay in Hell!

Blago, go away. At least when your look-alike Spencer Rice whines about everything it's funny. You're just damned irritating.

The Dickhead From the Weekender Commercial

Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.



The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.

The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.

I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.

I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.

Charities Closing Major Highways

I drive a vehicle so automtically I'm a self-centred asshole in some people's minds. But I'm about to become an even bigger asshole because today I'm ranting about major highways being closed so that some charity can throw an event to raise money for themselves.

This weekend it's the Heart and Stroke Foundation closing down the DVP and Gardiner so they can ride their little bicycles and roller blades. Sorry to be a heartless bastard and stroke my own ego, but get the fuck off the highways! Go to Fergus or something, I don't care. The only time I really have any need for the Heart and Stroke Foundation is when my blood pressure goes through the roof as a result of them closing the fucking highways! I don't think they realize that they're pissing off a lot of asshole motorists such as myself.

My drive in to work takes long enough as it is. I don't need detours that slow the traffic to a near stop. I don't like taking alternate routes through the city because all the pissed off people take the same routes. Drving through town is slow enough as it is. Add a bunch of people that would normally be on the highway and you've got yourself one hell of a nightmare, my friend. And Christ, traffic lights every 5 feet?

I think the real reason this concerns me so much is because when I think of thousands of cyclists riding down two of Toronto's major highways, I'm thinking HUGE FUCKING BIKER GANG! I've told you before that a pack of 8 or 10 bikers makes me nervous, but here we've got a gang of bloody thousands! They're liable to burn down the whole city and crucify us all!

No good can come from bikers closing down the highway. And that's why next time I'm going to rent a dump truck, set the cruise control, and "shut down their little event", knowwhaddamean?

Wine Aficionados and Wine Tastings

I'll start off by saying that I feel that I must be criticizing something which I don't understand here. Surely there must be a part to the picture I'm missing. Wine freaks and wine tastings just seem so ridiculously pointless to me.

I've never seen a wine aficionado that didn't give off an "I'm a complete pompous douchebag" vibe. They all seem to think they're better than everyone else. I can't stand seeing them swirl that small portion of wine at the bottom of the glass. I can't stand the way they waft the scent up to their noses and then eloquently describe it's aroma. And I can't stand the way they swish the wine around in their mouth, spit it out, and then comment on it's aftertaste.

I'm frightened of people who elevate beverages to a godlike status. Christ, it's just a drink, get over yourself. I don't see any milkshake aficionados. I don't see any soda water aficionados. Why the fascination with wine? Because it's commonly viewed as a sophisticated drink and so you have an excuse to get all high-nosed about it? Really, I don't care what type of grapes my wine was made from and what other things the taste is "reminiscent of". It's a drink and it gives me a buzz. Can we move on?

Wine tastings are horrid and I should hope I never have to attend one. All a wine tasting is is an open bar packed with assholes who are full of themselves and not even getting trashed. Which I think we can all agree is the point of an open bar. It shouldn't be a bunch of bespectacled 65 year old men with fat heads and white beards talking out of their asses and lecturing everyone. No thank you.

I have an idea of what would possibly be the best thing ever. You're at a wine tasting and you're ready to slap the next guy in a turtleneck who walks up to you and wants to chat about all the things you couldn't give a fuck about. Suddenly there's a huge crash behind you complete with the sound of shattering glass. You look behind you and some guy has passed out cold and fallen through a table, breaking it in half. He's now soaked in wine and people are gasping and slapping his face, trying to wake him up. You applaud and think to yourself, "Now there's a man who truly knows how to enjoy a wine tasting." How awesome would that be?

Really...wine people, just a bunch of snobby assholes.

Sean Kingston

Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make my blood boil. Every time I hear his shitty re-written versions of good songs I feel the urge to coat the room in vomit. This guy is the epitome of uncreative, over-worshiped, talentless hacks.

Can I start with the fact that he sounds like a friggin' robot in all of his songs? Buddy, lay off the autotune and pick up some autotalent. I'd rather have that dickhead Tim Geithner come to my house every night for a month and read me economics textbooks before bed than listen to 4 minutes of this garbled, computerized horseshit.

You know what would make Sean Kingston's music more enjoyable? If Sean Kingston was not involved. That wouldn't make it enjoyable though, just more enjoyable. The only way I'd find his music completely enjoyable is if I were in a coma.

I really hate the fact that this guy probably pulls into the McDonalds drive-thru every single day of the week and every day in a different Porsche and he can do that just by taking a giant shit on the music industry. I can't understand why people like this guy. His music is completely devoid of any real substance or soul. I imagine his typical recording session as him stepping out of a limo filled with women, being handed a lyric sheet, singing one take, and then arguing with the producer about cutting into his autograph signing time. The session lasts less than 10 minutes and a few months down the road Kingston hears his song on the radio, turns to a friend, and asks who it is, "it's pretty catchy."

I really want Ben E. King to march up to Sean Kingston in silence, look him up and down, take a big drag from a cigarette, blow it in Kingston's face, and then say, "You ruined my fucking song. Of all the versions of Stand By Me, yours is the one the finally broke my soul and made me weep. Music is dead. Get the fuck out of my way."

All I ask right now is that Sean Kingston issue a public apology for being a talentless asshole who releases shitty music.

Proposition 8 and This Whole Pointless Bullshit Gay Marriage Debate

I'm not going to lie. I was piss drunk last night and I didn't think to post nor did I care to post. That's for anyone who noticed and cared. But I've got 2 updates today so fear not!

Well....this bullshit is back in the news. This whole gay marriage in Cali debate. Why, you ask? Good question and I'll tell you the answer: Because some people are, let's face it, pretty god damned stupid and unenlightened.

America likes to think it's a smart nation. I'm not bashing my neighbour here. There are many Americans that are fucking brilliant as far as I'm concerned. But think of it this way: they can safely remove tumors from a person's body and they put a man on the moon, yet they're arguing over whether or not two people should be allowed to marry? Doesn't that seem completely backwards?

I'm a guy that would like to see a change in marijuana laws (legalize, if you have to ask). As far as I'm concerned, gay marriage is even less of an issue than marijuana. I can understand why people would be hesitant to legalize weed. They believe what the government tells them and think it's dangerous or harmful or a gateway drug. But gay marriage? I see that as being unquestionably OK. Gay marriage, just like marijuana, does not give you lung cancer, it does not make you unmotivated, and it most certainly does not lead to harder gays, if you'll pardon my little pun.

Gay marriage does not affect anyone but the two people who are married and even then it's barely even noticeable. Personally I think marriage is a pointless, meaningless ritual, but I acknowledge that most people don't feel this way. So if they want to get married, let them get married.

Can anyone link me to any clips where an anti-gay marriage supporter is asked how gay marriage affects them personally? I've never heard that asked and I'd love to hear how they respond. I mean, complain until you're blue in the face like I do, but don't actually step in and make laws telling other people how to live their lives.

One day I hope to live in a world where drugs are legal, gay marriage is legal, there is no bullshit carbon tax, everyone's happy, and the government stops meddling into peoples' fucking lives. But until then we're going to have to listen to these "anti-assholes" and wait for the government to declare war. The War on Gays. It's truly going to be sad if gays need their own Rosa Parks or MLK to get the rights they deserve. When are these fucking idiots going to wake up?

Stephen Harper

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

I knew a Stephen Harper post was inevitable at some point and here we are. I'd like to first say that I hate this fucking puppet cocksucker asshole, but never have I felt the degree of hatred for him that I'm feeling right now. Mr. Harper, you're the George Bush of Canada and I want you out of office immediately. You're ruining this country as you bumble around with your stupid fucking smile and your stupid fucking voice and your stupid fucking hair. It would not surprise me to learn that after the above picture was taken you promptly devoured the cat. You are evil scum and fuck you.

I had to get that out of my system. Now I can tell you why I've suddenly exploded with "fucks" directed towards our shitty prime minister. Here's why: Ottawa's plan to fingerprint those not yet charged under fire.

I've been following this type of thing and it's happening in the States. Finally it's come to Canada and I'm fucking pissed. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of governments slowly taking away citizens' freedoms. We're supposed to be a fucking free country. This is complete horseshit.

I'm sick of freedoms being taken away in the name of security or efficiency. I'm sick of freedoms being taken away and the government telling us it's for our benefit. Lies, lies, lies. I know the government doesn't give two shits about me or anyone else in this country. They care about power and slowly they're working their way up to absolute power. The government doesn't have our best interests in mind. They'd be just as happy, scratch that, happier to see us all work 24 hours a day, completely under their thumb. They'd love it if we had no way of overthrowing bad, shitty governments like this one.

Why should I be treated like a suspect or a criminal when I've done nothing wrong? This is not innocent until proven guilty, this is guilty until proven innocent. Why should the police and the government have my fingerprints and picture if I haven't committed a crime? This is not for efficiency. This is another fuck up the ass that brings the government one step closer towards complete control.

It's the frog in boiling water analogy yet again. Slowly take away peoples' rights and they won't even notice. Until we all wake up one morning and realize we're living in a complete fucking police state. Screw travelling to the States too. I'm not getting a passport or one of these enhanced driver's licenses either. It's another fuck up the ass.

Stephen Harper's a puppet, Bush was a puppet, and I know a lot of people won't like it, but Obama's a puppet.

And while we're here, fuck the Patriot Act too.

The Bilderberg Group

PREFACE: When I started this site I told myself I'd keep it at least somewhat lighthearted and "dumbed down" if you will (writing about things we can all relate to and perhaps laugh at). I didn't want to go Alex Jones on everyone and start filling all my space up with what most would call conspiracy theories, and I won't. But this topic has been eating at me for the past week or so and I've honestly found it hard to write about the "dumbed down" topics. So I feel like I need to go Alex Jones on everyone and just get this off my chest so I can get back to the normal fun stuff. Thank you for your understanding.

Have you heard about the Bilderberg Group? Most likely no, and I don't feel any mightier than you because I have. The reason that you may not have heard of the Bilderbergs is because the mainstream media generally doesn't cover anything to do with them.

I can't even come close to giving you all the details here, but you're a big person, you can do your own research. I'm going to give you a description in a nutshell. The Bilderbergs are a group of approximately 150 of some of the most powerful people in the world. The group is made up of big bankers, politicians, corporate fatcats, and other people with a lot of sway. The meet every year in a different city and their list of invitees changes from year to year, though there are several "regulars".

Their meetings are kept as secret as possible. Like I said, the mainstream media generally doesn't cover it. The list of invitees is kept secret but it has a tendency to be leaked eventually. What is discussed at these meetings is also kept mum, but again, certain topics are often leaked. The security at the meetings is incredibly high. You can't even get close to the meeting building and Wiki Charlie Skelton for an idea of how seriously security is taken.

This year's meeting was in Athens and ran last Thursday to last Saturday. I'd like to link you to just two articles that sum it up nicely and I'll hope you'll take the time to read them.
Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression
Bilderberg Inside Scoop: Elitists Want Global Department Of Health, Global Treasury

The main reason I chose those two articles is because they focus on predictions, past and present. This is not just some random, far-out theory that someone made up. There is actually something happening here. The thing about a lot of conspiracies is that often the majority of people don't realize anything's going on until it's too late. I'm here to pass this info along because I'm without question the guy that knows the conspiracy side of things in any one group. I'm the conspiracy connection. If I didn't pass this stuff along to my non-conspiracy friends they might not ever know about it.

I expect to be called nuts so do it if you have to. I could be completely wrong. That's what frustrates me. In my mind, there is no way of knowing whether I'm listening to the truth or just a bunch of garbage. That goes for conspiracy theories as well as mainstream media. So if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'm nuts, Bob's your uncle. But if all this world government shit is happening, hey, you're bound to realize it at some point. And the sooner you know all of this stuff the better off you'll be and the better prepared you'll be to fight it, if indeed that's what you feel is best.

I think I've said everything I wanted to about this and I'm glad because now I can get back to the normal routine instead of having this tearing at me. Finally, I will not respond to any tin-foil hat comments because it's been done to death, it's not funny, it's not realistic, and usually the people who resort to it have no actual argument.

Keep fighting the good fight, little buddies.


P.S. I forgot to mention the real reason Bilderberg is evil: Tim Geithner attended the most recent meeting and as far as I'm concerned, any place that asshole walks automatically becomes tainted. Tim Geithner has the Midasshole Touch.

Smart Reporters, Dumb Behaviour

I was watching CNN earlier today and they had the usual Robert Gibbs conference on at around 2. This particular conference was a regular hootenanny though. The reporters seemed to be asking Gibbs some pretty smart questions, but that was all ruined by the behaviour you see above.

How do you not know that your cell phone ringing during a White House press conference would be a distraction to everyone in the room? Even though the video only shows two, I'm pretty sure at least 3 cell phones rang during today's conference and on the 3rd one Gibbs stopped joking around and told everyone to put their phones on vibrate, clearly annoyed.

How does this even happen? How do 3-4 different cell phones ring in the span of about 20 minutes in the same press conference? The second guy in the video was a complete asshole. He actually answers his phone and holds everything up before he finally realizes that maybe he should take his stupid bullshit outside. Then he strolls back in while Gibbs is answering another question (not in the video) and he doesn't even seem like he's sorry for interrupting things like an ass. Gibbs jokingly welcomed him back.

Congratulations, reporters, you've succeeded in turning the White House press conference into a fucking kindergarten class. The nerve. At least there was some mild public shaming. That kinda made up for it. I guess.