Fat People Exiting Large Vehicles

Why do fat people continue to buy vehicles that they have such a hard time getting into and out of? I can tell just by their actions that they're putting themslves under a lot of unnecessary stress. It actually is qute amusing to watch.

The door of their van flies open and a big cankle shoots out. After several seconds (apparently spent slowly shifting themselves in their seat) a second cankle appears along with a sagging belly and a chunky arm embracing several Wendy's bags and a bucket of KFC.

Then the comedy begins as this person's toes point downward trying to touch the ground and they do that "belly-out" slide down the side of the seat. It just looks like a huge mass of flab spilling out of the vehicle. And the best is when they get their foot caught on the running board and fall out face first, spilling chicken all over the pavement.

Really, why buy a vehicle that's a hassle even while parked? Do fat people think the daily struggle of getting into and out of their vehicles counts as exercise? Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if did, given the amount of perspiration these people wring out of their shirts afterward.

Have you considered a Honda Civic, fatties? Not trying to be mean, just asking.

Sean Kingston

Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make my blood boil. Every time I hear his shitty re-written versions of good songs I feel the urge to coat the room in vomit. This guy is the epitome of uncreative, over-worshiped, talentless hacks.

Can I start with the fact that he sounds like a friggin' robot in all of his songs? Buddy, lay off the autotune and pick up some autotalent. I'd rather have that dickhead Tim Geithner come to my house every night for a month and read me economics textbooks before bed than listen to 4 minutes of this garbled, computerized horseshit.

You know what would make Sean Kingston's music more enjoyable? If Sean Kingston was not involved. That wouldn't make it enjoyable though, just more enjoyable. The only way I'd find his music completely enjoyable is if I were in a coma.

I really hate the fact that this guy probably pulls into the McDonalds drive-thru every single day of the week and every day in a different Porsche and he can do that just by taking a giant shit on the music industry. I can't understand why people like this guy. His music is completely devoid of any real substance or soul. I imagine his typical recording session as him stepping out of a limo filled with women, being handed a lyric sheet, singing one take, and then arguing with the producer about cutting into his autograph signing time. The session lasts less than 10 minutes and a few months down the road Kingston hears his song on the radio, turns to a friend, and asks who it is, "it's pretty catchy."

I really want Ben E. King to march up to Sean Kingston in silence, look him up and down, take a big drag from a cigarette, blow it in Kingston's face, and then say, "You ruined my fucking song. Of all the versions of Stand By Me, yours is the one the finally broke my soul and made me weep. Music is dead. Get the fuck out of my way."

All I ask right now is that Sean Kingston issue a public apology for being a talentless asshole who releases shitty music.

The First Jog of the Year

Yesterday I started running again after slacking over the winter because I'm not one of those insane joggers that runs in blizzards. And treadmills don't seem to be my thing. I've been getting a little bit doughy again so I decided it was time to stop being lazy and hit the road.

Since it had been several months since my last run, I figured I should start out easy and not do any epic runs. I stretched for a few minutes and then ran to the end of my road and back which is about 3.5km. When I got back home I was actually quite proud of how I did for a first go. I really thought it would be more agonizing than it was.

Later on that day some odd circumstances caused me to power-walk for a straight hour and I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Around the time I got home from work (12:30am) the day's exercise started to catch up with me. Today I've really felt it.

My hips hurt, my hamstrings hurt, my thighs hurt, my ass hurts, my groin hurts, my lower abs hurt, even my hair hurts. That and my new "old man walk" indicate to me that perhaps I overdid it just a touch. Seriously, I'm shuffling along. I can't even take full steps without feeling the aches.

The only thing I really want right now is to go home, soak my ass in steaming hot water for a good hour, and then have some cute, nimble-fingered Asian girl to dry me off and massage me for like 12 days. That would be like the best thing ever right now.

The moral of the story is that I shouldn't be such a lazy fatass.