Beggin' Strips Commercials

Ladies and gentlemen, this dog does not need bacon. He obviously needs rehab. Clearly we should not be feeding our pets this much cocaine. If Rover wants to have a little toot at a party, so be it, but I get the feeling he's sniffing up several eightballs a day.

So the dog gets all jacked up and tears through the house and the family is completely indifferent to the havoc he wreaks. If my dog jumped on my nads while I was sleeping he'd have a one-way ticket to the farm coming his way. Even his obnoxious inner monologue is high. It sounds like Gilbert Gottfried in a speed-talking competition and that's something I could do without.

And then we've got the baby-talking mom with the big smile on her face. Her mushy-cushy atttude towards the dog's spazzy behaviour just annoys me. Instead of pampering him and giving him a fix she should be telling him to calm the fuck down and then phoning an obedience school. The dog has problems.

Another thing that irritates me: the dog jummps onto the stove in both commercials? How irresponsible of the family. What if the stove had been turned on and in Rover's coke-fuelled craze, he scorched his ass? Well...I guess that would be learning the hard way not to act like a jackass in the house.

And another thing: the most pressing issue in this perky family's world is that bacon's popular? It was on the news so it must be true. I actually kind of want to live in that family's world. Apparently they're not fighting a war or freaking out over swine flu. Awesome!

So what have we learned? Dogs and blow don't mix.

Eco-Crime and the Environmental Police

Are you fucking serious?! I saw this clip and had to double check to make sure I wasn't watching another video from the Onion. Eco-crime? Environmental police? Get the fuck out of here. What a joke.

This shit hasn't hit Canada yet...at least as far as I know, but just wait. I remember confiding in a friend in the months following Inconvenient Truth's release and nobody could shut the hell up about going green. I said to him, "I don't know why and I have nothing that suggests it will, but I get the feeling that this "green movement" will be used to fuck people over." And wouldn't you know it, here we are.

It seems like god damn everything is somehow used as an excuse to fuck everyone over. Now I'm not going to speculate on whether or not 9/11 was an inside job. That's not what I'm here to do tonight. But no matter what you believe about the 9/11 attacks, you simply can't deny that they have been used to fuck over hard-working Americans. Rights are being yanked away and it's all in the name of counter-terrorism. Yeah. OK.

Anyway, back to the environment. Why do we need police so heavily involved in our lives? And why are these morons carrying guns and handcuffs? In case someone has the balls to tell them to fuck off and rip up their silly little eco-ticket? It wasn't enough to get everyone to watch some asshole's global warming video and leave it to them to make "the right choice"? Now they're basically demanding that we save the planet at gunpoint?

I read someone's comment on this clip and it was bloody brilliant. They suggested that Obama should have to pay a "Bullshit Tax" to American citizens every time he says or does something that's complete bullshit. They'd all be millionaires by year's end. Get the government and police out of everyone's lives and stop fucking us over with senseless cash-grabs like this.

To hell with this 5 cents for a plastic bag shit too. I don't need anyone gradually forcing me to save the planet. I'll do it when I'm good and god damned ready.

These Fucking Talent Agent Commercials

Every few weeks Q107 plays a commercial advertising a different childrens' talent agent who will be in town to make her "next big discovery". It's always the same commercial, just with a different agent's name. Fuck you.

I really wish I had a sample of one of these commercials, but I don't. The never fail to piss me off though. It's always a bubbly announcer asking me if my child keeps bugging me to be on TV or in movies and telling me I should phone for an audition time. Every time the agent's credits include some bullshit Disney show/movie like High School Musical.

It honestly pains me a little bit to say it because I grew up with the Jungle Book and the Rescuers, but fuck Disney. Have you seen some of the low-brow diarrhea they're churning out these days? It's turning children into unenlightened robots. I'm sick of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's shit. I can't watch childrens' programming for more than 2 minutes these days without getting irate. I find myself wondering, "Did I watch stuff like this when I was a kid? Was I being brainwashed on such a massive scale?" Thank god my parents didn't let me have everything I saw on TV at the age when my mind was most vulnerable. I probably would have been a selfish, bitter little shit...

I'm getting way off topic. I think the real reason I hate these talent agent commercials is because I feel bad that innocent, vulnerable children have been conditioned to think that fame and acting and money are important. They think Miley Cyrus should be idolized. They think if they can get a part in a Disney production their lives will be complete. Keeping in mind that I'm not a child and this is just speculation. I feel really bad that children are being lied to and taken advantage of and, I'll say it again, conditioned.

Parents, discipline your kids and stop treating them little princes and princesses. Making a choice that causes your child to cry is not the end of the world. It's good for them. It teaches them that they can't have everything they want and prepares them for "the real world". If you give in to their every demand all you're doing is telling them that they're in charge and you're setting them up for some huge disappointments further down the line.

Getting to Disney shouldn't be the goal here. The idea that someone's big goal in life is to be part of a corporation upsets me. And I'm going to stop now because this update is going nowhere and it's god damn written like crap. Sorry.

Sean Kingston

Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make my blood boil. Every time I hear his shitty re-written versions of good songs I feel the urge to coat the room in vomit. This guy is the epitome of uncreative, over-worshiped, talentless hacks.

Can I start with the fact that he sounds like a friggin' robot in all of his songs? Buddy, lay off the autotune and pick up some autotalent. I'd rather have that dickhead Tim Geithner come to my house every night for a month and read me economics textbooks before bed than listen to 4 minutes of this garbled, computerized horseshit.

You know what would make Sean Kingston's music more enjoyable? If Sean Kingston was not involved. That wouldn't make it enjoyable though, just more enjoyable. The only way I'd find his music completely enjoyable is if I were in a coma.

I really hate the fact that this guy probably pulls into the McDonalds drive-thru every single day of the week and every day in a different Porsche and he can do that just by taking a giant shit on the music industry. I can't understand why people like this guy. His music is completely devoid of any real substance or soul. I imagine his typical recording session as him stepping out of a limo filled with women, being handed a lyric sheet, singing one take, and then arguing with the producer about cutting into his autograph signing time. The session lasts less than 10 minutes and a few months down the road Kingston hears his song on the radio, turns to a friend, and asks who it is, "it's pretty catchy."

I really want Ben E. King to march up to Sean Kingston in silence, look him up and down, take a big drag from a cigarette, blow it in Kingston's face, and then say, "You ruined my fucking song. Of all the versions of Stand By Me, yours is the one the finally broke my soul and made me weep. Music is dead. Get the fuck out of my way."

All I ask right now is that Sean Kingston issue a public apology for being a talentless asshole who releases shitty music.

Proposition 8 and This Whole Pointless Bullshit Gay Marriage Debate

I'm not going to lie. I was piss drunk last night and I didn't think to post nor did I care to post. That's for anyone who noticed and cared. But I've got 2 updates today so fear not!

Well....this bullshit is back in the news. This whole gay marriage in Cali debate. Why, you ask? Good question and I'll tell you the answer: Because some people are, let's face it, pretty god damned stupid and unenlightened.

America likes to think it's a smart nation. I'm not bashing my neighbour here. There are many Americans that are fucking brilliant as far as I'm concerned. But think of it this way: they can safely remove tumors from a person's body and they put a man on the moon, yet they're arguing over whether or not two people should be allowed to marry? Doesn't that seem completely backwards?

I'm a guy that would like to see a change in marijuana laws (legalize, if you have to ask). As far as I'm concerned, gay marriage is even less of an issue than marijuana. I can understand why people would be hesitant to legalize weed. They believe what the government tells them and think it's dangerous or harmful or a gateway drug. But gay marriage? I see that as being unquestionably OK. Gay marriage, just like marijuana, does not give you lung cancer, it does not make you unmotivated, and it most certainly does not lead to harder gays, if you'll pardon my little pun.

Gay marriage does not affect anyone but the two people who are married and even then it's barely even noticeable. Personally I think marriage is a pointless, meaningless ritual, but I acknowledge that most people don't feel this way. So if they want to get married, let them get married.

Can anyone link me to any clips where an anti-gay marriage supporter is asked how gay marriage affects them personally? I've never heard that asked and I'd love to hear how they respond. I mean, complain until you're blue in the face like I do, but don't actually step in and make laws telling other people how to live their lives.

One day I hope to live in a world where drugs are legal, gay marriage is legal, there is no bullshit carbon tax, everyone's happy, and the government stops meddling into peoples' fucking lives. But until then we're going to have to listen to these "anti-assholes" and wait for the government to declare war. The War on Gays. It's truly going to be sad if gays need their own Rosa Parks or MLK to get the rights they deserve. When are these fucking idiots going to wake up?

The Wearable Towel

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha! Losers!

Honestly, I think if I'm ever having a slow idea night I'm just going to go into the infomercial vaults. Not that tonight is a slow idea night. There is just no shortage of completely inane products.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a wearable towel and this is coming from they guy that wore some pretty questionable clothing in high school and college. I wouldn't even want anyone to know I owned a wearable towel, let alone wore one. It's just so gosh darn embarrassing.

This is a females' product if anything. Some girls, let's face it, just buy some completely retarded things. If a girl wore this thing it would be downright dumb, but understandable on some level. But a man? I reckon any guy wearing one of these is automatically a huge douche.

Really, the guy getting the morning paper made the whole commercial for me. He gets the "Asshat of the Year Award" for sure. If that guy was my neighbour I would kick him in the balls and then promptly pack my shit up and move. I wouldn't want anyone to think we were friends or anything. That could severely ruin a guy's reputation.

But wearable towel aside, why would you even need to wear a normal towel when you're getting the paper? Are you spending several hours each day in a towel? Honestly, shower, dry off, and put some damn clothes on. Why anyone would need to wear a towel outside is beyond me. Trust me, your neighbours couldn't give two shits about your six-pack if that's what this is about. Cover up.

I'm not really sure which is worse, the wearable towel or the wearable blanket (Snuggie). Both of them are basically the same thing and both of them are completely unnecessary. And they're both bought buy the same two groups of people:

1) College kids who think the product is so stupid that they order one as a joke among friends. It arrives and it's funny for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

2) Empty-headed people who are convinced the product is a good idea and they will use it on a regular basis. It arrives and it's fun for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

My only regret about the wearable towel commercial is that none of the chicks were going toga style. That would have been the one thing that could have made this product somewhat reasonable. As it stands though....waste of money.

Stephen Harper

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

I knew a Stephen Harper post was inevitable at some point and here we are. I'd like to first say that I hate this fucking puppet cocksucker asshole, but never have I felt the degree of hatred for him that I'm feeling right now. Mr. Harper, you're the George Bush of Canada and I want you out of office immediately. You're ruining this country as you bumble around with your stupid fucking smile and your stupid fucking voice and your stupid fucking hair. It would not surprise me to learn that after the above picture was taken you promptly devoured the cat. You are evil scum and fuck you.

I had to get that out of my system. Now I can tell you why I've suddenly exploded with "fucks" directed towards our shitty prime minister. Here's why: Ottawa's plan to fingerprint those not yet charged under fire.

I've been following this type of thing and it's happening in the States. Finally it's come to Canada and I'm fucking pissed. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of governments slowly taking away citizens' freedoms. We're supposed to be a fucking free country. This is complete horseshit.

I'm sick of freedoms being taken away in the name of security or efficiency. I'm sick of freedoms being taken away and the government telling us it's for our benefit. Lies, lies, lies. I know the government doesn't give two shits about me or anyone else in this country. They care about power and slowly they're working their way up to absolute power. The government doesn't have our best interests in mind. They'd be just as happy, scratch that, happier to see us all work 24 hours a day, completely under their thumb. They'd love it if we had no way of overthrowing bad, shitty governments like this one.

Why should I be treated like a suspect or a criminal when I've done nothing wrong? This is not innocent until proven guilty, this is guilty until proven innocent. Why should the police and the government have my fingerprints and picture if I haven't committed a crime? This is not for efficiency. This is another fuck up the ass that brings the government one step closer towards complete control.

It's the frog in boiling water analogy yet again. Slowly take away peoples' rights and they won't even notice. Until we all wake up one morning and realize we're living in a complete fucking police state. Screw travelling to the States too. I'm not getting a passport or one of these enhanced driver's licenses either. It's another fuck up the ass.

Stephen Harper's a puppet, Bush was a puppet, and I know a lot of people won't like it, but Obama's a puppet.

And while we're here, fuck the Patriot Act too.

Don't Forget the Lyrics

If you've never seen this horrible excuse for a TV show, consider yourself lucky. This has got to be hands-down, without question, one of the worst shows ever conceived in the history of time. I would beg on my knees for Two and a Half Men before I agreed to watch this pile of crap again.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge the stunning marketing department who came up with such a knock-out title. Please. Don't Forget the Lyrics? It's like they gave one guy 5 seconds and no more to come up with a name for the show.
"Uh- uh- UH! DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS"
"Aaaaand time! There you have it folks, let's run with it!"

Well, on the plus side the title gives you fair warning of the intellect you're about to discover on the show when you sit down to watch. I think at this point I've seen somewhere in between 2 and 3 full episodes of the show and the contestants still haven't gotten any brighter. Every time it's these bottom-of-the-IQ-barrel, overly enthusiastic, airheads with big smiles on their faces. And boy, do they ever have great singing voices.

On to the content, once again I ask myself "Who the hell would ever want to watch this shit?" It's the same feeling I get with those fucking poker championship shows all over the tube. Why would anyone ever want to watch somebody else playing cards? In this case, why the fuck would you care to watch Fox's glammed-up version of your local bar's "Bad Karaoke Night"? The real thing is bad enough. This thing ain't even live and the people aren't even drunk. Where is the fun? In the money all the greedy assholes are after? Are you entertained by a bunch of glowing lights and scrolling text? Do you just like that hunk Wayne Brady? I don't get it.

I feel sorry for the clearly talented musicians on the show that have to be associated with this low-brow crap. Clearly they're good enough that they could be doing much better. These guys probably cry themselves to sleep every night.

Christ, there are better things on TV. Dancing With the Stars and Fox News, for instance.

Road Warriors Part 2

It's been a while since the last Road Warriors post so it's time for Part 2.

People With a Lot of Stuffed Animals in Their Rear Window

It's a car, not your child's playpen. And if you don't even have children....what the hell is wrong with you?

And why does it always seem to be Winnie the Pooh characters? Why do so many people feel the need to have a bunch of Tigger and Piglet toys in their car? Not to mention the Pooh Bear window shades.

So you have a kid, good for you. So do a ton of other people. You don't need to flaunt it. You're not a super-special mommy and your toys aren't cute. Get that crap out of your window.

One of these days your mother will be in critical condition in an ambulance that is trying to get around your slow ass. She will die before the ambulance reaches the hospital and if Dora the Explorer hadn't been grinning at you in the rearview, you might have pulled over to let the ambulance pass and you mother would still be alive. Your stupid animals won't be so cute then.

Overly Friendly Courtesy Waves

In case the title was a little confusing, this is when you let someone merge and they give you the courtesy wave. But they take it too far and literally wave at you. They don't just give the open-handed, five-fingers-up-in-the-air, rear window signal. They give you the wave where they actually shake their hand back and forth.

Christ, I'm just letting you onto the highway, I'm not trying to make friends with you. Stop waving at me like a crazy person. There's too much god damned friendliness in today's world. Sometimes I wish someone would just up and start a war or something.

I appreciate the courtesy wave, don't get me wrong, but when I see someone frantically waving at me through their rear window I imagine the person at the wheel is dangerously happy. I always expect to pass them and look over and see a guy grinning maniacally and drooling. And perhaps he has large, random patches of hair shaved out of his head. When I get an overly friendly courtesy wave I think that maybe it's best I don't share the road with this lunatic for too long.

The worst part is that a lot of the time these raving wavers are mommies with a bunch of crap in their back window.

Our Dumb World

No affiliation with the Onion, which by the way is awesome. It's just the best way to describe this horror.

I was watching CNN again and they flashed up one of their polls (what you see above). Please, please for the love of god tell me I'm missing something or they just wanted to have a "silly poll". Please tell me we're not actually at the point where this is an honest question.

When they passed the bailout bill without reading it I was flabbergasted. I thought, "How could these assholes possibly get away with this?" Why would anyone ever consider passing legislation without even knowing what they're passing? This is completely unacceptable.

When I voted the obvious YES answer in the poll, the results showed that 23 people had voted NO. I'm honestly dying for an explanation. I really hope it's just mischievous people and there aren't people who don't have a problem with legislation that affects everyone being passed without even being looked at. If you would vote no, I really would like to hear why you feel that way.

Think of it like this: if Congress didn't read anything they voted on you could put whatever you wanted into the legislation and it would get passed. Think of what would happen if somebody slipped something into a bill that completely took away every civilian's rights. Congress passes it and presto, you are the government's property. They can do whatever they want to you and can make you do anything they want. If you refuse you are thrown in jail or killed. I'm not trying to sound extremist here, just an example. You'd probably wish that the bill was read.

Of course Congress should have to read everything they vote on. The fact that this is even being asked on such a reputable news network is sickening. And the fact that Congress can do and has done this without much opposition is just more proof that the government is fucking with us constantly and we're mostly just rolling over and taking it. Fuck.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

This game easily deserves the title of being both the best and the worst game ever made. I defy you to find one parent on the entire planet who truly thinks Hungry Hungry Hippos is a good idea for a game. I highly doubt anyone's ever said, "Daddy's got a splitting headache. You kids get out the Hungry Hungry Hippos and let him rest."

It has to be hands-down the noisiest game ever invented. You can't play it quietly. It's impossible. Man, you talk about great game soundtracks, from start to finish the game is nothing but CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK! That and children giggling loudly (and maybe even the odd internet ranter).

It's like the creators deliberately set out to piss off as many parents as they could. "Ve're going to create a monster today, people. Ve need to come up vis a children's game so noisy and annoying zat every parent vill vish for early death....zat is until ve create a line of furry toy robots zat von't shut up! Zen zee parents vill BEG for zee Hippos! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Besides being incredibly loud, Hungry Hungry Hippos takes absolutely no skill whatsoever to play and win. You just smack a hippo's ass repeatedly and hope for the best. You can't really be good at it. It's all luck. Really, the only way you can be at a disadvantage is if you have no limbs.

My last gripe with Hungry Hungry Hippos is the marbles. For one, they always seem to slowly disappear until you realize that the reason that none your games have lasted longer than 3 seconds is because you're only playing with 2 marbles. Those bastards are hard to replace too. You can't use regular glass marbles because they're too big. I mean, come on, it's a hippo for Christ's sake. One of the largest mouths in the animal kingdom. You should be able to fit a Hyundai in there. But these pansies can't even swallow a marble.

And even after all that, still, Hungry Hungry Hippos: Best Fucking Game Ever.

People Who Dont Get Steven Tyler and Aerosmith

May I deliver a message the 15-year old girl "Aerosmith fans" out there? Yes?

Fuck you.

Perhaps there were a few in that bunch that didn't deserve it. I'd like to say that I'm an Aerosmith fan. But I'm not one of the bullshit fans I'm posting about tonight.

Aerosmith is not about being a fucking sex symbol. As far as I can tell, no one in Aerosmith is "sexy". Aerosmith is about being at death's door and then coming back and still making good music.

Old school Aerosmith fans get it. Teenage girls don't. Steven Tyler is not sexy. He looks like a meth addict. And that's the point. Aerosmith IS...WAS... drugs. They've been there. They are not there to make 14 year old girls wet. They are not the Backstreet Boys. Aerosmith is about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, not exclusively "he's so hot!"

Back in the day Steven Tyler was looking for coke and a cigarette, not 14 year olds telling him that "Dream On was awesome!" You didn't scream to Joe Perry that he was sexy. You put a good cigar in his mouth, lit it, and hoped that he would look at you in gratitude.

Aerosmith is not for teenage wimps. They are for people who have been doing cocaine for 14 hours straight and are now at least 10 beers deep.

Aerosmith shouldn't be applauded for their sexiness, they should be applauded for their ability to persevere through incredible drug abuse. Aerosmith is badass, not sexy. That is all.

People Who Sit in "Drive-Thru Alley"

You're probably asking yourself what the title means. Well, not to worry, I'm here to explain of course.

The "drive-thru alley" sitter is the person in the restaurant who sits at the table or booth right next to the window facing the drive-thru line. So when you're waiting in your car in the line you're like 5 feet away from this person and you can see their table and everything on it. If there wasn't a plate of glass separating you from this person they'd pretty much be able to feed you as you sit waiting to order.

These people make me nervous because I always end up looking in at their table and for a few moments we share that nervous eye contact. You know what I mean. You're looking at someone and they catch you looking at them so you quickly look away. But then you think, "Are they still looking at me?" So you look back and they are. And then they get nervous and do the same thing. You don't want them to think you're staring at them, you just want to know if they're staring at you! It's another of those awkward human moments.

So there's that. But I also feel like I'm invading their privacy even though they're the ones that chose to sit right by the window. I pull up in the line and end up next to them and I feel like I'm non-verbally saying to them, "Hey, folks! Don't mind if I just scoot in here and watch you eat, do you? Just checking in to see how everything's going at your table." I feel like an uninvited guest who doesn't even want to be an uninvited guest. I just kind of wandered into the trap.

The worst is when there's more than one person at the table. I imagine them talking about me. "Don't look now but there's a weird fucking guy with long hair peering over your shoulder in the drive-thru line. He keeps looking at me nervously. What's his problem? He's probably on drugs or something. I think I'm really creeping him out somehow. This is fun, let's always sit here!"

At this point I've become so fixated on the people just inside the window that I haven't noticed that the line has long since moved up and the guy behind me is now blaring his horn and hollering at me from his window. His honking is justified but I think calling me a "fucking prick" was a bit much. It's weird, but for me, holding the drive-thru line up is much less awkward than staring at the "drive-thru alley" sitters...

The Bilderberg Group

PREFACE: When I started this site I told myself I'd keep it at least somewhat lighthearted and "dumbed down" if you will (writing about things we can all relate to and perhaps laugh at). I didn't want to go Alex Jones on everyone and start filling all my space up with what most would call conspiracy theories, and I won't. But this topic has been eating at me for the past week or so and I've honestly found it hard to write about the "dumbed down" topics. So I feel like I need to go Alex Jones on everyone and just get this off my chest so I can get back to the normal fun stuff. Thank you for your understanding.

Have you heard about the Bilderberg Group? Most likely no, and I don't feel any mightier than you because I have. The reason that you may not have heard of the Bilderbergs is because the mainstream media generally doesn't cover anything to do with them.

I can't even come close to giving you all the details here, but you're a big person, you can do your own research. I'm going to give you a description in a nutshell. The Bilderbergs are a group of approximately 150 of some of the most powerful people in the world. The group is made up of big bankers, politicians, corporate fatcats, and other people with a lot of sway. The meet every year in a different city and their list of invitees changes from year to year, though there are several "regulars".

Their meetings are kept as secret as possible. Like I said, the mainstream media generally doesn't cover it. The list of invitees is kept secret but it has a tendency to be leaked eventually. What is discussed at these meetings is also kept mum, but again, certain topics are often leaked. The security at the meetings is incredibly high. You can't even get close to the meeting building and Wiki Charlie Skelton for an idea of how seriously security is taken.

This year's meeting was in Athens and ran last Thursday to last Saturday. I'd like to link you to just two articles that sum it up nicely and I'll hope you'll take the time to read them.
Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression
Bilderberg Inside Scoop: Elitists Want Global Department Of Health, Global Treasury

The main reason I chose those two articles is because they focus on predictions, past and present. This is not just some random, far-out theory that someone made up. There is actually something happening here. The thing about a lot of conspiracies is that often the majority of people don't realize anything's going on until it's too late. I'm here to pass this info along because I'm without question the guy that knows the conspiracy side of things in any one group. I'm the conspiracy connection. If I didn't pass this stuff along to my non-conspiracy friends they might not ever know about it.

I expect to be called nuts so do it if you have to. I could be completely wrong. That's what frustrates me. In my mind, there is no way of knowing whether I'm listening to the truth or just a bunch of garbage. That goes for conspiracy theories as well as mainstream media. So if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'm nuts, Bob's your uncle. But if all this world government shit is happening, hey, you're bound to realize it at some point. And the sooner you know all of this stuff the better off you'll be and the better prepared you'll be to fight it, if indeed that's what you feel is best.

I think I've said everything I wanted to about this and I'm glad because now I can get back to the normal routine instead of having this tearing at me. Finally, I will not respond to any tin-foil hat comments because it's been done to death, it's not funny, it's not realistic, and usually the people who resort to it have no actual argument.

Keep fighting the good fight, little buddies.


P.S. I forgot to mention the real reason Bilderberg is evil: Tim Geithner attended the most recent meeting and as far as I'm concerned, any place that asshole walks automatically becomes tainted. Tim Geithner has the Midasshole Touch.

Quilts and Short Blankets

I had a somewhat rough awakening this morning. Last night was my last night at the cottage and despite that fact, I went easy on the "brainstorming". See, and you bastards didn't believe me. I still maintain that there was no beer. But my point is that my rough morning wasn't from the gobs of creative thinking from the previous night. It was from a short blanket!

This has to be a ton of people's worst pet peeve. It's just not one that comes to mind until you're actually stuck in the situation. When your blanket or quilt is too short to fully cover you. Either your feet stick out the bottom or you can only remain covered up to the waist. Both are mind-numbingly annoying.

Is there anyone who actually thinks short blankets are a good idea? A-ha! I just found a picture of exactly what I mean. I woke up under this bullshit this morning. These blankets are possibly the worst thing in the world. As far as I'm concerned they are only meant for two things:

1) Keeping people's feet warm when they watch TV. And what's the point of that? Frankly I just don't trust anyone who claims to be OK with having a blanket cover half of their body or less. Anyone who sees me in a blanket is quite sure that the mob was recently at my place and got bored before they could dump my rolled up body into the lake. When it comes to blanketing, I'm pretty hardcore.

2) Smoking doobies on during Sabbath reunion shows. Bonus points if it's during Sweet Leaf. But this argument falls a little flat considering that blankets aren't traditionally used for this. The blanket isn't even serving much of a purpose, really. In this situation would you really miss the blanket if it weren't there? I think not.

So why do so many people have one of these dumbass blankets? It seems like everyone I know has one. Either granny secretly likes to get high and rock out or she's completely lost her mind. Honestly, guys, we need to stop with this half-blanket crap and start producing some good old-fashioned normal sized blankets. This is an important plan and we mustn't get cold feet on it...

...Just terrible.

I'm Going on Vacation, Bitch!

It's the long weekend and I'm going to do you all a favour. I'm going on vacation! The purpose of this vacation is to drink a lot-ahem...to brainstorm. When I return on Sunday I will have a plethora of fresh ideas. And probably a hangover. I mean...I'll probably have a new found appreciation for life after spending a lovely couple of days waking up to the smell of lavendar, the breeze gently blowing through my window, easing me into the morning. There definitely won't be beer. Just chai tea and hard work. This vacation is completely for your benefit, I assure you.

Here's one more quickie to tide you over: Don't you hate bumblebees? Giant, hairy monsters loudly buzzing around. They're too damn fast and unpredictable. Insects are generally creepy enough as it is. The last thing we need are big, hairy ones. Bumblebees are fucking gross.

This Cruel, Cruel Week

I don't like to bring my personal life into my updates because frankly, you probably don't care all that much. But since I have neither the inspiration or energy to come up with something better tonight, well, you'll just have to endure.

You ever see that movie The Truman Show? I swear I have a show of my own that tons of people must be watching right now. And I do believe this week is the "Try to Break His Will to Go On" sweeps. This week has been god damn dreadful.

I started getting sick on Monday. Sneezing like a bastard and runny/stuffy nose. About the same on Tuesday. Today I developed the cough that I knew would be inevitable. It's horsecrap because even though my illnesses clear up in a few days, my coughs go on for weeks. I don't know what it is. Tonight I just feel fucking drained and I want to go home.

The rest of the week aside from being sick? Monday/Tuesday I had the exercise soreness. Tuesday after work at 11:30pm my truck broke down on the highway. Once again I payed the price for not having a cell phone, but my pride is too strong to crack because of that. I had to endure 45 minutes of awkward conversation with a tow truck driver. What the hell do you talk to a tow truck driver about? My truck had to be kept at the garage for a couple days and the repairs are going to be about $1000. Back in the god damn hole again.

Today I was scheduled to be into work at 1pm. I had no vehicle and my work sure as hell isn't biking distance so I phoned my brother who then drove 40 minutes just to help me out. He picked me up and I spent another hour and a half commuting to work. I get to work and find out that I'm not even needed there anymore. Thanks for letting me know.

I do the same shitty pick-up/commute all the way home and rest for approximately half an hour before borrowing my dad's truck and driving in for my normal shift. Why didn't I just stay at work? It's complicated, but I assure you there is a good reason. You don't want to hear it, I don't want to write it.

I arrive at work and a note tells me that I'm an hour late. Apparently I was supposed to come in early and again nobody fucking told me. Now someone hates me just because I didn't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do. And I spent the rest of the night weakly doing the same old shit at work, suicide making more and more sense with each passing minute.

Before the week is through I expect to have swine flue, have my truck stolen, get fired, and run out of toilet paper. It's bad, but hey, at least I'll be prepared for it.

Smart Reporters, Dumb Behaviour

I was watching CNN earlier today and they had the usual Robert Gibbs conference on at around 2. This particular conference was a regular hootenanny though. The reporters seemed to be asking Gibbs some pretty smart questions, but that was all ruined by the behaviour you see above.

How do you not know that your cell phone ringing during a White House press conference would be a distraction to everyone in the room? Even though the video only shows two, I'm pretty sure at least 3 cell phones rang during today's conference and on the 3rd one Gibbs stopped joking around and told everyone to put their phones on vibrate, clearly annoyed.

How does this even happen? How do 3-4 different cell phones ring in the span of about 20 minutes in the same press conference? The second guy in the video was a complete asshole. He actually answers his phone and holds everything up before he finally realizes that maybe he should take his stupid bullshit outside. Then he strolls back in while Gibbs is answering another question (not in the video) and he doesn't even seem like he's sorry for interrupting things like an ass. Gibbs jokingly welcomed him back.

Congratulations, reporters, you've succeeded in turning the White House press conference into a fucking kindergarten class. The nerve. At least there was some mild public shaming. That kinda made up for it. I guess.

The First Jog of the Year

Yesterday I started running again after slacking over the winter because I'm not one of those insane joggers that runs in blizzards. And treadmills don't seem to be my thing. I've been getting a little bit doughy again so I decided it was time to stop being lazy and hit the road.

Since it had been several months since my last run, I figured I should start out easy and not do any epic runs. I stretched for a few minutes and then ran to the end of my road and back which is about 3.5km. When I got back home I was actually quite proud of how I did for a first go. I really thought it would be more agonizing than it was.

Later on that day some odd circumstances caused me to power-walk for a straight hour and I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Around the time I got home from work (12:30am) the day's exercise started to catch up with me. Today I've really felt it.

My hips hurt, my hamstrings hurt, my thighs hurt, my ass hurts, my groin hurts, my lower abs hurt, even my hair hurts. That and my new "old man walk" indicate to me that perhaps I overdid it just a touch. Seriously, I'm shuffling along. I can't even take full steps without feeling the aches.

The only thing I really want right now is to go home, soak my ass in steaming hot water for a good hour, and then have some cute, nimble-fingered Asian girl to dry me off and massage me for like 12 days. That would be like the best thing ever right now.

The moral of the story is that I shouldn't be such a lazy fatass.

Yorkdale Mall

I haven't even been there in like a month and I'm still traumatized. I'm pretty sure this mall is the worst place in the world ever.

To begin with, I hate going to malls. If you see me within 100 feet of a mall entrance chances are there is someone holding my hand tightly as I scream bloody murder. The mall is just a huge cesspool of dumb shit. Dumb stores, dumb items, and most of all, dumb people. I walk through the mall and all I see are stores selling crap that nobody needs. And it's all on sale, folks!

Walk through any mall and I guarantee you there won't be one store in there without a big-ass "30% Off Sale" sign in the window. The god damn whole mall is on sale. Holy fuck, do I ever hate the mall. Malls are for fucking idiots.

Now on to Yorkdale. Take my raw hatred for regular malls...now multiply the "moron factor" by approximately one hundred billion trillion million billion. Trust me, it's a real number. But what I mean by that is the people there are so much dumber than the usual mall crowds. It's a shuffling sea of whiteboys, loud black girls, and god damned flat brimmed hats. It's constantly jam-packed with the worst kind of young people: the rapper gangstas and their hos.

Inevitably I always see one old white guy who's got a "holy fucking shit" look on his face. Like he should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. "Sweet baby Jesus, what the hell have I stepped into here?"

Yorkdale Mall: dumb stores, dumb items, dumb kiosks, loud annoying rappers. Honestly why is everyone so damn loud at Yorkdale? The whole mall is a huge shouting match. The only reason I ever go to that mall is to use the subway and when it finally arrives and I board, the only thing I can think of is, "Good God, hurry up and close the doors and speed me away from this fucking nightmare pronto."

And speaking of the subway, 6 bucks for morning subway parking now?!?! What the fuck?!

My Rainbow Shirt

That's not my shirt. In fact my rainbow shirt looks nothing like that. And truth be told, I like my rainbow shirt. I just can't stand people commenting on it. Hmmmm...people commenting on a rainbow shirt. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm sure anyone reading this has, at one time, purchased an article of clothing and realized in hindsight that it maybe wasn't such a good idea. Such is the case with my rainbow shirt.

If you have seen my rainbow shirt and have thought of commenting on it, or if you know someone who would like to comment on it, please direct yourself or that person to the following two sentences:

a) No, I am not gay.
b) Yes, I realize I look like a fucking rainbow.

The whole reason I bought the shirt (sever years ago now) was because I was at a point in my life where I desired only the brightest, most colourful clothes I could find. I thought that was a cool style and though I dress more conservatively now, the rainbow shirt remains. It has nothing to do with sexuality or wanting to look like a weather phenomenon. These days I only wear the shirt because it's a fucking shirt and it fits.

Earlier this week I was talking to a co-worker about how he was "quitting smoking cold turkey tomorrow". A couple days later he was out smoking again. I haven't commented on it, nor will I because I assume he's dealt with a bunch of cute remarks from other people already. I figure he's got to be sick of it.

Will others follow my example? Can't people just assume that I've heard all the cutesy "gay" and "rainbow" comments from enough people already and just leave it alone?

No, I'm not going to stop wearing the shirt for fear that someone will mistake my sexuality. Like I said, it's a shirt, it fits, and it's comfortable. That's a good reason to wear a shirt as far as I'm concerned. I am, however, fully open to any witty retorts I can dish out to these dimwits so they'll think twice about making remarks about someone's shirt.


...Sorry, folks, I've got too much shit going on tonight to put any real effort into an update.

People Who Drive White Crown Victorias

I say we enforce either of the following:

1) Start making vehicles that are exclusive to police departments.
2) If people want to drive white Crown Vics, make vehicle decals mandatory.

I'm really getting sick and tired of scrambling to put down my bong and nachos just because some grandpa wants to drive a police car. What, pray tell, is wrong with a nice Buick? Or why not drive a stunning green Crown Victoria? No, you have to come speeding past me in your white car of trickery and leave me choking on pot smoke and corn snacks. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I think deep down anyone who drives a white Crown Victoria and is not a police officer is an asshole. How can you go through the process of buying this car and not once think that you're going to make a bunch of people nervous every day? You have know that you're often going to get stuck behind people driving the speed limit because you look like an unmarked car in the rearview. Weapons smugglers are needlessly sweating bullets and maybe even shitting their pants because of you, you sick bastards!

Maybe decals aren't enough. Just to be safe we should put a giant bobbing smiley face on the roof of every white Crown Vic just so people know for sure there's just a normal asshole driving the car, not one with a badge.

Just a small idea of mine to help us all rest a little easier as we break the law.

The New Juicy Fruit Commercial

I know a lot of commercials insult my intelligence, but this one seems to blatantly and shamelessly insult my intelligence.

First of all, I've seen this commercial several (too many) times and until tonight I had no idea who Julianna Hough was. I had to Google her and when I left the images section and removed "nude" from the search bar, it became clear to me who she was and why the fine people at Juicy Fruit thought this commercial would sell gum.

See, Julianna Hough is a country artist who apparently made a splash on Dancing With the Stars, a show that I've never watched and probably never will. People will fucking watch anything. Why would I want to waste an hour of my life watching celebrities dancing? Dancing is stupid and celebrities are stupid. Combined, it's just a huge typhoon of idiocy. But I digress.

So I guess if you're making a commercial targeted towards people who watch Dancing With the Stars, you don't need to display a whole lot of intellect or have a whole lot of content to be able to sell your product. Reading the comments on this commercial on Youtube is proof enough. Half of them are "OMGZZZ! She's so hot! I want to buy Juicy Fruit! LULZ!!!"

That's my problem with this commercial. It's fucking mindless. It's like the marketing people at Juicy Fruit sat down and made the decision, "Let's just get a fucking hot celebrity to dance around for 30 seconds and kick our gum around. Nothing else. Just dancing and hotness. People are morons and they'll eat that shit right up."

Yeah, sex sells, but this is just embarrassing. Aren't we past this? This is like the 50s when most people could be sold just by having an attractive girl in the ad. I thought we were smarter than this now, what with the internet and all. People are supposed to be disillusioned by this shit. We're supposed to be aware of basic advertising techniques so we're not brainwashed into buying every little thing just because there's a girl selling it. We're regressing, I tells ya.

Dancing and hotness are not enough for me. If you want to sell me something you'd better get off your ass and put some effort into your commercials and come up with something really creative or clever.

And that fucking smile over the shoulder at the end is not cute. It seems incredibly contrived and makes me want to vomit.

Medusa From The Rescuers

My God, what a big heaping pile of bitch. Everything she says just makes you want to kick her squarely in the box.

Until last night I hadn't seen the Rescuers for a while. Both of the DVD players I own have crapped out at the same time so lately I've been watching VHS movies. And since DVD is the standard now, you can imagine that most of my VHS movies are ones from when I was a kid. So I watched the Rescuers last night.

SPOILER ALERT!

I feel obligated to say that even though I know that anyone who reads this
a) has seen the Rescuers
b) really doesn't give a fuck whether or not I give away details to a childrens' movie

So in the movie Medusa kidnaps a small orphan girl named Penny because she's looking for a huge diamond called the Devil's Eye. The diamond is buried down in a cave that adults can't fit into so that's why Penny was kidnapped. Medusa and her pussy-whipped, wimpy husband Snoops live on a shitty riverboat with Penny and basically treat her like ass all the time.

Medusa is seriously an ugly, snooty, bitch of a cunt, whatever that means. She is like turbo-bitch. Super robo-bitch. She had Penny lowered into the cave in a bucket to find the diamond and wouldn't pull her back up until it was in Penny's hands, even when the fucking tide came in and Penny and the Rescuers almost died. I mean, I've heard of being on the rag, but this is not normal. This requires therapy or medication.

Then when she finally got the diamond, super-robo-turbo-bitch defied the impossible and became even bitchier. She kept the diamond all for herself and held her own husband and a small child up at gunpoint. That was until the Rescuers showed up, oh ho ho!

Medusa got completely boom-roasted I'm proud to say. I won't go through everything, but in the end Penny stole her swamp-mobile and her diamond and Medusa was launched into a stack in the middle of the bayou and clung there as her two pet alligators snapped at her ankles and her husband pointed and laughed at her. The last time we see her she is clinging to this fat pipe wailing over her precious diamond. Slam!

Unfortunately I got carried away last night and drunkenly cheered at 4am, waking everyone up. When I became aware of this, I also discovered that in my excitement I had hurled an empty whiskey bottle at the TV screen and it was at that point when I decided perhaps it was best that I just go to bed.

I still don't know how the movie ended but I think Penny got adopted by the swamp creatures and now has severe social and mental deficiencies. Great flick.

Inadvertently Wearing Matching Colours

Unless it's black. This must be one of my little quirks, but it annoys me. I can't stand throwing on an outfit and then discovering that my shirt and pants are the exact same colour. Black is OK though. In fact, all black looks very classy.

I honestly don't know why it gets on my nerves. Maybe subconsciously I relate it to wearing a tracksuit. They often look dumb to me. Maybe it's a subconscious gender role issue with me. I've been conditioned to believe that men just throw shit on and leave the house and women put effort and care into the outfit they're wearing. If I end up wearing matching colours people will think I put some actual thought into what I'm wearing and consider me girly! Can't have that.

Brown is iffy but acceptable for me. On one hand I feel like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, which would almost make total brownness not only acceptable but encouraged. But on the other hand, UPS had to come along and rain on that parade of awesomeness. Because when you wear all brown people don't come up to you and say, "Whoa! You look like Dennis Muthafuckin' Hopper, man!" They say, "Haha, hey Mr. UPS Man!" Bastards.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. Exploring space and meeting Martians were the only two things I wanted to do with my life. That was until I discovered that spacesuits were all white! Or maybe orange or sometimes blue. But that was it for me. I knew that I'd never be an astronaut and I sobbed for weeks. And I knew that I could never fall back on being a serial killer because sooner or later I'd end up in an orange prison jumpsuit.

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.

Classical Crossover

I know my classical music. Not only was I a classical aficionado for several years, the nature of my job exposes me to classical music 5 days a week. So I know what I'm talking about here. Now...

To any budding classical music fans, I have one very important thing to tell you and here it is: no matter how badly you want them to be, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman, Andrea Bocelli, Paul Potts, and film scores are not classical music. Especially Josh Groban. In fact, Josh Groban may someday receive his own entry just because he irritates me so much. Anyway, this music (with the exception of film scores) is what is called classical crossover. It's like classical meets pop. And it's shit.

Now that I've said that, I'd like to address that these people do perform operatic repertoire and that's the one thing that keeps me from completely disrespecting everything they do. But why does everyone melt over their bullshit songs like Time to Say Goodbye (the video above)? Con te partiro is the fucking worst. I've heard it way too many times, morons love it, and it's not even a great song to begin with.

People apparently listen to this and think it's opera. There is nothing I'd love more than to see Puccini, Rossini, Verdi, and Wagner crawl out of their graves and kick these peoples' asses.

I think my main problem with classical crossover is that I think of it as being sort of the Miley Cyrus of the classical music world. Today's mainstream music is all dumbed down and classical music is no exception. I hear so much great music today that never gets radio airplay or publicity because some jackass decided that it wouldn't make any money so it's no good. Instead they'll give people Miley Cyrus because she's good looking. But the music is FUCKING BULLSHIT. And that's the problem with the music industry. It's the "hotness industry" not the music industry. People apparently don't mind mediocre music if the singer is hot.

Classical crossover is the same. Everyone likes it because it's melodramatic and catchy and sounds more refined than Fergie because there are classical instruments involved and it's sung in an operatic way. And hey, most of the time the singers are hot. But it's garbage! Verdi never would have written crap like Besame Mucho. Well...he might have. He would have written it with his ass cheeks in less than 5 minutes and then wiped his ass with the manuscript after realizing he could do so much better.

And I'm sick of English rock songs being passed off as something more sophisticated just by transcribing it to classical instrumentation and changing the lyrics to Italian. Doesn't work that way. Paul Potts sings "Ognuno Soffre" (or R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts to normal people). My theory is that they change the lyrics to Italian because if singers sang the words in English against a classical backing, they'd be ridiculed for doing a cheesy version of a song. But people are so dumb that if you just change the lyrics to another language, the song now becomes "refined" and "passionate" and "breathtaking".

Finally, film scores. I don't mind them nearly as much because they're a lot closer to classical music than Josh Groban. But again, the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack isn't classical music. It's instrumental music. This is a young person thing. Everyone loves the Pirates soundtrack. Well of course you do. It's not like that boring old Haydn. This has cymbal crashes and shit. It's exciting and brief enough to keep your dull little mind stimulated.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of writing this. There are some notes from a music snob.

Dickhead Birds

The seagull I saw today was being a complete asshole. Not to me though. If I were ever in a fight with a seagull I'd probably lose. He'd probably be pecking at my face as I tried to reason with him verbally. Seagulls show no mercy even with pacifists.

But today I saw a seagull in a parking lot with a much smaller bird. They were fighting over a small scrap of food. The tiny bird would peck at it and then the seagull would pick it up in it's beak and move it away from the little bird. So the little bird would hop around and try to peck at it again and the seagull would pick it up and move it away again. What an asshole!

This continued for a couple minutes until the tiny bird got frustrated and flew away and the seagull proudly enjoyed the scrap of food. I wish the seagull would have just shared. It was kind of a dick move for him to use his size against the tiny bird. It reminded me of two brothers. You know, when the little brother wants something the big brother has and the big brother holds it way above his head. All the little kid can do is cry and desperately jump for it. Or knock the big kid in the balls and steal the item when he bends over in pain. I wish the tiny bird would have knocked the seagull in the balls.

Really though, if we humans can arm countries we're supposedly at war with, surely seagulls can give their bird brothers the end of a french fry. Is the end of a fry really too much for a tiny little birdie to ask?

The Lowe's Help Button

If you're not aware, the Help Button is a service that Lowe's has. In every aisle they have a button that you can press that alerts the staff members that there is someone in that aisle that needs assistance. Please.

Let me just say that I'm sick and tired of all this customer pampering that is ever increasing. I'm sick of people getting free shit from the movie store if the movie the want is out. I'm sick of complimentary coupons. I'm sick of playgrounds inside fast food restaurants. I'm sick of "your business is important to us." I'm sick of companies bending over backwards and trying to make things right for unhappy customers. It's turning us into a population of self-important assholes and people take advantage of it. Act unsatisfied, get some free shit.

Now, the Lowe's help button isn't giving people free shit, but it's another customer pampering device and that's why I don't like it. I know it'll rarely happen just because of business fundamentals, but just once I'd like to see some badass shop owner say, "Don't like my store? Take your pansy ass somewhere else then."

Is there something wrong with taking a walk around the store and finding some acne-ridden teenage employee who can help you? Is it that much of an inconvenience to actually do 20 seconds of work? If I had suggested 50 years ago to a hardware store employee that they should look into installing Help Buttons in each aisle to help customers, I would have been asked, "What, are your legs broken?"

I've never pushed a Lowe's Help Button and I assume I never will. Personally I'd feel like tool. Imagine that, a tool in a hardware store. I picture myself pushing the button and then smugly waiting there with my arms crossed, tapping my toe as a Lowe's worker approaches me with a look that says, "You. You lazy piece of shit. You fucking astound me."

Maybe I'm just a guy that likes to help people. I think I'm just practical. I don't feel the need to treat the employees of a store I'm visiting like shit. I don't feel like they're obligated to wait on me like I'm British royalty. I like to meet people halfway. If you're kind enough to take some time out to help me, I'll help you by going to find you, not by standing there paging you like an arrogant prick.

I'm not necessarily saying that we should completely abolish the Help Button, but there are certain things you can do with it that would deter people from using and abusing it. For example, how about when you press it the following is played through the store's intercom: "Attention Lowe's employees. There is, at this moment, a worthless excuse for a person who needs assistance in Aisle 8. Please treat them with care, as their fucking legs must be broken. We realize that you are likely busy with other more important things at the moment, but again, the lazy sumbitch in Aisle 8 has evidently decided that moving is too much work. I know, it sucks, but if you can take care of that...the boss will buy you a beer or something. Lowe's apologizes for this inconvenience and thanks our valuable customers who can actually be bothered to do shit for themselves. Have a great day!"

You'd probably think twice about pushing the Help Button if you knew the store was going to publicly call you a lazy sumbitch, huh? Public shaming kicks ass.

Horse Shit

I guess it was bound to happen at some point in my life. I finally saw a real live horse shitting today. It's not as great as you probably think it is.

Living in this Youtube world, I've seen a lot of videos of animals shitting. No, I don't seek out these videos. They just come up on variety sites and such.

Real life is different though. This was no video. This was not some guy with a camera phone at the circus who captured Jumbo dropping a deuce. This was me riding my bike down the road and...."What the fuck, the horse is shitting!"

It's not like I wanted to watch a horse take a shit today. But once your eye catches it, you're in for the entire ride. You know in your head that you can't look away because something like this might not happen again until you're well into your seventies. You don't want to watch a shitting horse, yet you have to.

What a stupid entry. Think of the embarrassment of the horse if it ever read this. Not only did someone catch it taking a shit, that person went home and wrote about the whole thing on the internet. I'd be stomping mad.