Hubert

Does anyone actually read this anymore? It'd be kind of depressing to learn that I'm wasting my time (nearly) night after night...

Anyhoo, am I the only one who finds this guy really creepy? Grown men should not be behaving like this. He seems to

a) Have some sort of mental illness. I feel like if I approached him he'd get hostile and firmly tell me, "Don't bother me now! I'm hunting for birds!" and then quickly scamper off to "bathe himself" in true feline fashion. Thank God they didn't show that.

b) Be mentally sound, but just one of those guys you meet who's super weird. "I just like cats a lot," he'd tell you. I get the impression that Hubert frequently attends swingers gatherings and gets off on really fucked up shit. Like he'd ask you to handcuff him and tease his nipples with a feather while punching him in the balls "because it's hot." He'd probably incorporate the whole cat act into it too. Fucking strange, I tell you.

The last few seconds, I must say, are profoundly disturbing. It seems to go way beyond a "cat" enjoying a scratch and comes across as being highly sexual. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is entirely inappropriate for a cat food commercial. Sexual deviants have never made me incredibly motivated to go out and buy some pet chow.

The truly sad part is that...it's Wink Yahoo! From Uh-Oh! I'm serious, go back and watch it again! A bit of research told me 'tis true. Oh, Wink, Wink, Wink. What have you become? You used to be such a cool guy. Now you're just...really god-damned weird.

If I dressed up like the Punisher would you return to your old ways...or would you just take off your pants and tell me you've been a naughty boy and need to be punished?

Corporations Trying to Sell Me "Happiness"

I'm no stranger to basic marketing techniques. I'm no expert, but I'm no stranger either. I know that when I watch TV commercials I'm not simply being shown a 30 second video of a person with a product. I know that every minor detail is fine tuned to appeal to my subconscious desires. But I still watch the occasional hour of TV anyway and just keep mental notes of companies that are evil (nearly all of them) so I can avoid buying their products.

Today some poor ad placement made one of these marketing techniques stand out a lot more than it should have. Instead of just watching the commercials knowing that my subconscious was being attacked with suggestions but not quite knowing what they were, I found myself going, "AHA! I'm on to you, Corporate America!"

See, the first ad I saw was the French's ad above. 40% more happy in each bottle? Who the hell is on the marketing team at French's? The 8 year-old narrator's schoolyard chums? God, I beg that it's true because if I owned French's I'd be a little concerned over the fact that my adult marketing people couldn't even use the English language properly. The term you're looking for is "happiness". But I digress.

The ad immediately following it was a Coca Cola ad ended with:

Perfect. I mean, at first I was worried. I was beginning to get frustrated when I kept running out of happy without warning using the old French's mustard. And then I saw that they were adding 40% more happy. THANK GOD!!! No more tear-filled nights in the bathroom with the razor blades because I've run out of mustard! It's like, when I reach the point where I'd normally be hacking away at my skin...now I have more happy to get me through!

But then I thought...what if I forget about that 40% more and use the whole bottle of mustard like it only has 100% happy?! Great Scott, no! I'd be a wreck! But then, a light from heaven. Coca Cola: Open Happiness.

NO WAY! Another product, a SECOND product that delivers happiness?! I'm saved! When it's 2:30am, the grocery store is closed, and my "40% more happy" French's mustard is farting, all I need to do is run down to the corner store for a Coke to squash those suicidal thoughts! I can't believe it! Out of the millions of products in this world, TWO of them actually deliver happiness! What an age we live in...

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I want to let French's and Coke know...you're not being subliminal enough. People aren't supposed to catch on to your marketing trickery. They're supposed to watch your ads and promptly march like zombies to the store to buy your product with the thought that they need it, but not sure why.

Unless the media's dumbed people down so much that corporations don't even need to be slick anymore. "Buy it, sucker, it makes you feel good and yada yada yada." That'll soon be the type of slogan every commercial ends with and people will still eat that shit up.

All I ask is that you subject me to your mind control without my knowledge or consent like any good corporation or government agency would do. Stop blatantly advertising the emotions your products undoubtedly evoke. When you do that, it hints to me that you think I'm dumb enough that you can just skip the psychological toying around and cut right to the chase and it's actually a little insulting.

Please just meddle with my mind! I don't care if I end up with a house full of crap I don't need. At least I'll feel smart.

Sean Jones and Saul Korman

I realize I've been lacking in the updates lately so it's another double shot day! My second piece about fat people is below this one.

Anyway, I felt the need to write about the two most annoying commercial voices we continuously got making appearances in Toronto. Somebody needs to get these people off the radio. Like immediately.

Sean Jones

If you don't know this guy by name, he's the annoying Spence Diamonds guy. The first thing he needs to do is take the enthusiasm knob that he's got cranked to 11 and dial it back a few points. I've heard his commercials. I get it. He's got jewellry at good prices. Stop reading ever sentence like it's the most mind-blowing news ever. Until Sean Jones came along I didn't believe overarticulation was a problem on radio.

And what's with the random sound effects? It's like he realized that his voice alone probably wasn't going to get his full potential clientele into his store but he was completely out of creative energy. "Fuck...I don't know...(whewwwww)...let's just, for no particular reason, add in sound effects that only children and morons would find funny."

I swear if I hear "WAAAOOOWW!!" one more time I'm going to start ramming other vehicles on the road. There has never been a more out of place sound effect in any other commercial ever. It's a damn jewellry store, not a Bud Light commercial. Even in a beer commercial that sound effect would be puke-inducing. Get the fuck off my radio.

Saul Korman

To illustrate my point with the man from Korry's Clothiers, I thoughtit would be appropriate to write a Korry's ad in mad lib form:

"Saaauul Korman here for Korry's Clothiers, 569 Danforth. Let me tell you we've got _________(adjective) suits from _______(plug), _______(plug), and ________(plug). And I know this because last week ____________________________________________ (boring story about his partners in the biz). And also, _________________(plug). So when you come to Korry's don't forget to check out _______________(plug). And I almost forgot, _____________(plug). Just wanted to say, ______________(irrelevant crap that applies to only to three people who probably aren't even fucking listening anyway). And before I go I need to mention __________(plug). Korry's, in the ______(body part) of Greektown, at 569 Danforth."


Saul Korman seems like a guy who has too much money and his guilty pleasure is to spend it on meaningless crap just for kicks. His commercials make me imagine a guy sitting around a big table with all of his business associates drinking scotches. It's been a good night, Saul's getting a littly jolly, and he tells everyone to shut up for s second and listen.

"As you all know, I've got a great deal of money. I've been running over this idea in my head for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to buy airtime on the radio. I'll say some stuff, but mostly I'M GOING TO MENTION ALL OF YOU GUYS!! IN EVERY FUCKING DAILY AD! NO WAY, I KNOW!

Ahem...now obviously I want to get word out about my store and all that crap....but mainly....I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR NAMES! ON THE RADIO! WE CAN ALL LISTEN AND REACT ACCORDINGLY WHEN WE HEAR THEM!

Ahem....now obviously we don't want normal listeners to think we're just a bunch of jerks with egos so we'll say some good crap about the store...I guess...but OH MAN! HOW WICKED WOULD IT BE IF I JUST PLUGGED YOUR GUYS' SHIT?! THIS IS FOR US, FELLAS! WE ARE ALL SUCH GREAT FRIENDS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY! I SHALL BUY A ROLLER COASTER!"

On the bright side, at least he's not so much of an asshole that he refers to himself as "Korry" in his spots. Either way, get the fuck off my radio.

Pre-Movie Crapola

Damn it, I remember (vaguely, mind you) when going to see a movie meant going to see a movie. But today you don't just go to the theatre to see a movie, you go to plant your ass down and take in roughly 10-11 hours of Coca Cola and Levis ads. Once you're through that, you can give youself a pat on the back and rest easy knowing that you've finally made it. Made it all the way to the elaborate and expensive looking "Coming Attractions" intro. At this point you're thinking, "Christ Almighty, do I still have my ticket stub on me? I'm going for a smoke."

Like, what the fuck is going on? The coming attractions I can understand because you're in a movie theatre and it makes sense to advertise upcoming movies in a movie theatre. That doesn't mean I enjoy watching them, it just means I see where they're coming from.

Back in the day I remember the coming attractions portion being quite tolerable and I'd imagine that has to be true because I would have been a kid and very antsy. If my squirmy little 10 year old ass could sit through the previews without getting up and tearing through the theatre throwing poporn everywhere, they couldn't have been too bad.

But then the coming attractions segment got super long. I was older and more patient, but even then I remember thinking, "This is...kind of ridiculous." And a few times I even forgot what movie I had come to see for a second or two. But length aside, it was still "Coming Attractions" so it was somehow acceptable.

Then the day came when (gasp!) a Coke ad was played before the coming attractions. Imagine! A TV advertisment in a movie theatre! How devilishly scandalous! It was only a minute long though so it's brevity made this risquee move relatively harmless.

And here we are today when we actually have to sit through an endless stream of advertisements that are completely unrelated to movies or movie theatres. Those boring-ass Telus ads with the animals on a white background are bad enough on TV. I have no desire to see them on the big screen with surround sound. Seriously, this is not one 60-second ad we're talking about here. It's not something that you can laugh off and say "Whatever" to. I mean, you could walk three towns over for a glass of beer and return before this shit is over and they still have the audacity to show a bunch of trailers for shitty romantic comedies.

I go to the theatre like once a year and I'm still fed up with this crap. I think I've discovered why I have trouble sitting through movies. By the time the movie starts I need to walk around and stretch my legs. It's absurd.

The Dickhead From the Weekender Commercial

Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.



The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.

The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.

I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.

I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.

Cowboy Lawyers

Huh?! I know there are at least 2 versions of this commercial. You're pimping around watching TV (sorry, I just finished Threevening), commercials are on, another fucking lawsuit commercial comes up, everything's business as usual, and then WHAM! Buddy appears wearing a fucking cowboy hat?! Is this a joke?

He might as well just show up in a clown suit or a Power Rangers uniform. How can I ever be expected to watch a lawyer in a cowboy hat and take him seriously? I feel like his best method of winning a case is to bust out a lasso and hogtie everyone in the courtroom. He seems like he might have a very skewed understanding of how things work.

I picture court day as being quite routine until suddenly there's a huge crash and the courtroom doors explode open and there you see a snow-white stallion reared back on it's hind legs whinnying. Seated on it's back is Charles Binder wearing his cowboy hat, a pair of spurs, and a big gold star badge. He rides his horse up to the front without batting an eye, dismounts, ties his horse to the judge's bench, and declares "Let's begin, your Honour!"

I just can't take these Binder and Binder guys seriously. And it's not like I can pinpoint a reason why they're wearing cowboy hats in their commercials and I'm saying, "That's a dumb idea." I can't for the life of me figure it out. It just seems so random and unnecessary. Surely cowboy hats don't help these guys win cases and lawyers generally aren't known to don them. It's not like a guy playing a doctor on TV and wearing a white coat and stethoscope for credibility. The cowboy hat has no place in today's legal proceedings.

Now that I think of it though, I really would enjoy seeing someone one-up Binder and Binder and just do a whole commercial in Power Rangers costume. Perhaps that fat, pink, shapeless, bearded, beady-eyed Patrick Cox weirdo from the Tax Masters commercial.

Beggin' Strips Commercials

Ladies and gentlemen, this dog does not need bacon. He obviously needs rehab. Clearly we should not be feeding our pets this much cocaine. If Rover wants to have a little toot at a party, so be it, but I get the feeling he's sniffing up several eightballs a day.

So the dog gets all jacked up and tears through the house and the family is completely indifferent to the havoc he wreaks. If my dog jumped on my nads while I was sleeping he'd have a one-way ticket to the farm coming his way. Even his obnoxious inner monologue is high. It sounds like Gilbert Gottfried in a speed-talking competition and that's something I could do without.

And then we've got the baby-talking mom with the big smile on her face. Her mushy-cushy atttude towards the dog's spazzy behaviour just annoys me. Instead of pampering him and giving him a fix she should be telling him to calm the fuck down and then phoning an obedience school. The dog has problems.

Another thing that irritates me: the dog jummps onto the stove in both commercials? How irresponsible of the family. What if the stove had been turned on and in Rover's coke-fuelled craze, he scorched his ass? Well...I guess that would be learning the hard way not to act like a jackass in the house.

And another thing: the most pressing issue in this perky family's world is that bacon's popular? It was on the news so it must be true. I actually kind of want to live in that family's world. Apparently they're not fighting a war or freaking out over swine flu. Awesome!

So what have we learned? Dogs and blow don't mix.

These Fucking Talent Agent Commercials

Every few weeks Q107 plays a commercial advertising a different childrens' talent agent who will be in town to make her "next big discovery". It's always the same commercial, just with a different agent's name. Fuck you.

I really wish I had a sample of one of these commercials, but I don't. The never fail to piss me off though. It's always a bubbly announcer asking me if my child keeps bugging me to be on TV or in movies and telling me I should phone for an audition time. Every time the agent's credits include some bullshit Disney show/movie like High School Musical.

It honestly pains me a little bit to say it because I grew up with the Jungle Book and the Rescuers, but fuck Disney. Have you seen some of the low-brow diarrhea they're churning out these days? It's turning children into unenlightened robots. I'm sick of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's shit. I can't watch childrens' programming for more than 2 minutes these days without getting irate. I find myself wondering, "Did I watch stuff like this when I was a kid? Was I being brainwashed on such a massive scale?" Thank god my parents didn't let me have everything I saw on TV at the age when my mind was most vulnerable. I probably would have been a selfish, bitter little shit...

I'm getting way off topic. I think the real reason I hate these talent agent commercials is because I feel bad that innocent, vulnerable children have been conditioned to think that fame and acting and money are important. They think Miley Cyrus should be idolized. They think if they can get a part in a Disney production their lives will be complete. Keeping in mind that I'm not a child and this is just speculation. I feel really bad that children are being lied to and taken advantage of and, I'll say it again, conditioned.

Parents, discipline your kids and stop treating them little princes and princesses. Making a choice that causes your child to cry is not the end of the world. It's good for them. It teaches them that they can't have everything they want and prepares them for "the real world". If you give in to their every demand all you're doing is telling them that they're in charge and you're setting them up for some huge disappointments further down the line.

Getting to Disney shouldn't be the goal here. The idea that someone's big goal in life is to be part of a corporation upsets me. And I'm going to stop now because this update is going nowhere and it's god damn written like crap. Sorry.

The New Juicy Fruit Commercial

I know a lot of commercials insult my intelligence, but this one seems to blatantly and shamelessly insult my intelligence.

First of all, I've seen this commercial several (too many) times and until tonight I had no idea who Julianna Hough was. I had to Google her and when I left the images section and removed "nude" from the search bar, it became clear to me who she was and why the fine people at Juicy Fruit thought this commercial would sell gum.

See, Julianna Hough is a country artist who apparently made a splash on Dancing With the Stars, a show that I've never watched and probably never will. People will fucking watch anything. Why would I want to waste an hour of my life watching celebrities dancing? Dancing is stupid and celebrities are stupid. Combined, it's just a huge typhoon of idiocy. But I digress.

So I guess if you're making a commercial targeted towards people who watch Dancing With the Stars, you don't need to display a whole lot of intellect or have a whole lot of content to be able to sell your product. Reading the comments on this commercial on Youtube is proof enough. Half of them are "OMGZZZ! She's so hot! I want to buy Juicy Fruit! LULZ!!!"

That's my problem with this commercial. It's fucking mindless. It's like the marketing people at Juicy Fruit sat down and made the decision, "Let's just get a fucking hot celebrity to dance around for 30 seconds and kick our gum around. Nothing else. Just dancing and hotness. People are morons and they'll eat that shit right up."

Yeah, sex sells, but this is just embarrassing. Aren't we past this? This is like the 50s when most people could be sold just by having an attractive girl in the ad. I thought we were smarter than this now, what with the internet and all. People are supposed to be disillusioned by this shit. We're supposed to be aware of basic advertising techniques so we're not brainwashed into buying every little thing just because there's a girl selling it. We're regressing, I tells ya.

Dancing and hotness are not enough for me. If you want to sell me something you'd better get off your ass and put some effort into your commercials and come up with something really creative or clever.

And that fucking smile over the shoulder at the end is not cute. It seems incredibly contrived and makes me want to vomit.

Husband/Wife Commercials

Sometimes it will be a male/female friendship, but mostly it is a husband and wife team. I'm sure you've heard this type of commercial even if you don't know it. Why? Because they are everywhere and they've become one of the most cliche forms of a two-person spot. The format is ALWAYS the same and I'll lay it out for you now.

-It starts out with a perfectly reasonable conversation between the husband and wife. Partway through the husband says something stupid or just flat out acts like a child. The level-headed wife sternly shoots him down and the commercial always ends with the husband sheepishly apologizing or realizing he's been acting like a dumbass.

-The man is always the animated moron. The wife is always the sane one. It's never the other way around. The man is always a peppy, younger guy. The wife always comes across as having just a hint of "complete bitch" in her personality. And yes, I realize that makes no sense at all. Just try to play along. It's almost gotten to the point where I'm starting to wonder if this is some big conspiracy being played out by feminists to make society believe that men are completely insane and women are always smarter. It may be time to shut off my radio and get out the proverbial tin foil hat once again...

-The guy always apologizes at the end. It's supposed to be for comedic effect apparently. To me it just seems like a Simpsons gag that has been done several times before even though I can't pinpoint a specific case. It was probably funny when the Simpsons did it. I mean I think it's great that a lot of today's humor is Simpson-esque. The Simpsons came up with a lot of brilliant stuff and I've often seen it rub off on the way people act in everyday life. Sometimes you look at a scenario and think, "If the Simpsons never existed, this situation would play out completely differently." I'm getting off topic though. This type of apologetic ending really seems Simpson-esque to me. But it seems like it was written by a Simpsons viewer who maybe thinks they should have been writing for the Simpsons, but in reality they're just not that creative.

Just change it up already. Make the woman the insane one for once. I'm not saying this because I think women are insane, just because this type of commercial needs some variety for heaven's sake. That's if this type of commercial even needs to continue at all. I wouldn't miss it.

I don't know...have the insane guy at the end stand up for what he believes in instead of always apologizing. "Screw you! Screw you all! I am who I am and I like it! You're not going to ruin my fun just because you're a tall, frothy mug of cold, frosty bitch!" And then have We Are the Champions kick in or something. Well...maybe this isn't such a good idea. It doesn't seem to have any relevance to anything. But at least it's more fun.

Please, commercial writers. You're often referred to as the creative department. So USE SOME DAMN CREATIVITY FOR A CHANGE! That is all.


*Special thanks to MG for supplying the commercials*

Discovery Channel's "I Love the World" Commercial

I don't know if it's necessarily the commercial that irritates me. I think it's more peoples' reactions to this commercial. The first time I saw this commercial I kind of had that, "Aaah...I see what they're trying to do here." vibe come over me. I can see through Discovery's crap.

But the problem was that I saw what they were getting at but I couldn't seem to accurately and completely describe it in words. Until tonight. I was going through the comments on this video thinking "I have to find something that will help me put my finger on what this is." Then I came across Greenlightgo31's comment and it all fell into place.



Bingo. The fact is, a lot of times I seem to miss out on "feel-good" emotions that the media is trying to convey because I've seen it done before. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but sometimes I think I'm too smart for my own good and I look at these things from a psychological standpoint. Believe me, sometimes I'd love to get caught up in the hype because apparently this stuff is feel-good. I like feeling good. But I always seem to watch these things and make mental notes to myself regarding why they make people feel good instead of simply feeling good. And when it's over I'm just left with, "Okay...I get it. Kind of cheesy."

Let me break down "I Love the World."

1)The feeling I get from this commercial is that it's trying to push a sense of oneness. It wants viewers to see beyond their own point of view and see "the giant community that is earth." Each scene it cuts to is completely different yet all of it is happening on this one planet. Each person sings a different line of the song. Again, oneness. Each person in a different part of the world in a different situation collectively singing the same song.

There is diversity. People from all walks of life. You've even got the African tribe in there. Culture, diversity, we are all one, we are all sharing this awesome planet. People feel good about that shit.

2)The song itself is feel-good. It uses a feel-good chord progression. It uses the same chord progression of endless sappy love songs from the '50s and early '60s. I really don't have to desire to start thinking of examples because that's not the point of this, but Earth Angel comes to mind. Those songs made people feel good and they still do.

A wide variety of different types of singing are used. You've go some people shouting their lines to you, you've got some people quietly singing their lines to themselves, you've got hoarse voices, you've got "Egyptian kings" woman's soft, sweet voice. You've got people who can't really sing, you've got people who can, you've got a couple "walkie talkie" voices. Everyone's different, yet we're all the same. Feel-good.

It all comes together with this sense of oneness and a feel good song. Everyone chanting the song at the end. We're finally all together and "The World is Just Awesome." We feel good.

I can't really blame Discovery Channel. They obviously put a lot of work into the ad and it looks good and sounds good and overall it's just done well. I just get kind of irritated when people melt over it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a bitter fuck who has a problem with people feeling good. I should probably lighten up and stop overthinking things. Yeah, that's likely it.

I'm still right though. And Earth Angel makes me weep every time.

The Pajamagram Asshole

If Tim Geithner didn't exist, this guy would be the biggest douchebag on TV.

http://www.pajamagram.com/commercial-2008.html

I saw this commercial on CNN periodically leading up to Valentine's Day. Thank heavens Valentine's Day is over because I can't stand this guy. The first time it came on I thought "Fucking right! Chicks getting nekkid!" and then Pajamagram Asshole had to come along and ruin any chances of getting a hard on.

It's like a family friendly version of watching porn and right when you're getting into it they cut to hairy man ass for 10 seconds. It just ruins your day.

If douchebaggery was art, this guy would be Monet somewhere towards the end of the commercial. There's a point where he's sitting on the couch with his arm around the girl and they each have a glass of wine in their hands. In slow motion he turns to the camera with a smile on his face and proceeds to nauseate everyone with his pompous eyebrow raise as his smile gets even wider.

It's like he's saying to me through body language, "Hell yeah, I'm gettin' laid tonight, bro! High five!" You just want to leave the bastard hanging and punch him instead. He's like the guy that thinks he's your friend, but really you'd be happier just to drive him to Montana and leave him there.

Again, I'm so grateful that Valentine's is over because Pajamagram Asshole raises my blood pressure every time I see him and it's not good for me.