Black Licorice

My parents were good parents, but clearly they fucked up when it came to teaching me about the delicate subject of licorice. I'm in my mid 20s now and I still desperately want to believe that licorice is supposed to be red, not black, even though I know I'm wrong. My mom probably fed me a little piece of red licorice when I was three years old and ever since that day my head ain't been quite right.

Let's cut to the chase. Black licorice is shit. All black candies are. Licorice, jelly beans, ju-jubes, gum drops, Colgate Total, you all suck. Black is the colour of death and that's precisely what you taste like. Among other things such as ass, taint, nutsack, and anything else in or around the nether-regions.

Plus, have you ever seen someone after they've eaten a black candy? They look like a ghoul! They've got blue-ish black stains on their teeth and little drops of black juice in the corners of their mouth. It's fucking frightening. They always look like they're about to eat my skin with their black-candy-loving Vampiro fangs.

And are you one of those poor black-candy-loathing pricks like I am who has been in the unfortunate situation where you don't know if the candy you're about to eat is dark purple or black? So you man up and eat it? And it turns out to be black? That fucking sucks! And you almost swear off feeding the gumball machine quarters every time you go shopping.

Also, shame on anyone who actually likes those disgusting assorted licorice candies. Or those Hershey "Goodies".

I will see you and your damn black candies in hell.

Hubert

Does anyone actually read this anymore? It'd be kind of depressing to learn that I'm wasting my time (nearly) night after night...

Anyhoo, am I the only one who finds this guy really creepy? Grown men should not be behaving like this. He seems to

a) Have some sort of mental illness. I feel like if I approached him he'd get hostile and firmly tell me, "Don't bother me now! I'm hunting for birds!" and then quickly scamper off to "bathe himself" in true feline fashion. Thank God they didn't show that.

b) Be mentally sound, but just one of those guys you meet who's super weird. "I just like cats a lot," he'd tell you. I get the impression that Hubert frequently attends swingers gatherings and gets off on really fucked up shit. Like he'd ask you to handcuff him and tease his nipples with a feather while punching him in the balls "because it's hot." He'd probably incorporate the whole cat act into it too. Fucking strange, I tell you.

The last few seconds, I must say, are profoundly disturbing. It seems to go way beyond a "cat" enjoying a scratch and comes across as being highly sexual. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is entirely inappropriate for a cat food commercial. Sexual deviants have never made me incredibly motivated to go out and buy some pet chow.

The truly sad part is that...it's Wink Yahoo! From Uh-Oh! I'm serious, go back and watch it again! A bit of research told me 'tis true. Oh, Wink, Wink, Wink. What have you become? You used to be such a cool guy. Now you're just...really god-damned weird.

If I dressed up like the Punisher would you return to your old ways...or would you just take off your pants and tell me you've been a naughty boy and need to be punished?

Bananas

They're fucking gross, okay?

Bananas, as far as I'm concerned, are the worst food ever. They're horrid in every possible way and they should be outlawed. First of all, they taste and smell very homosexual. If "gay" could be encapsulated into a flavour, it would taste like bananas. From that point, they're just squishy and unappealing. And under the peel lies an off-white speckled turd of a "food". Sorry if I'm not enticed by fruit with the same general appearance and consistency as a huge shit.

Bananas are pure evil and as much as they try to warn us, we (and I mean you) keep eating them. They do, they warn us. You want me to explain that, don't you. Ah...well, I can't turn back now.

First, as I've already mentioned, they're very turd-like. It's supposed to be human nature to have no desire to eat feces. Why is that not the case with something that is very close to feces? I don't know, but the banana tried to warn you and you ignored it, you prick.

Second, they're yellow. What's so wrong with yellow? It's a nice sunny, cheerful colour, isn't it? NO! No it absolutely is not! Yellow is the colour of all things bad. Traffic lights have their yellow WARNING light, referees have their yellow CAUTION card, mosquitos carry their yellow fever, the music industry has Coldplay. If you're dumb enough to ignore the banana's blatant WARNING! colour, well, you deserve the consequences that may arise.

And if all of that isn't enough, perhaps numerology shall show us the way once again. Let's rap:

- Banana starts with B, a hidden 13 (put 1 and 3 together, you get B)
- Banana has 3 "a"s, A being the first letter of the alphabet (1), 1+3, another hidden 13
- Banana has 6 letters. The number of "a"s multiplied by the number of "n"s gives us another 6. When I eat bananas I get sicks. Another 6. Three 6s? 666? It's all too clear, isn't it?
- Banana has 6 letters, the same number of points as the Jewish Star of David. It would take a moron not to see the tie-ins with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the evil plans for world domination. An absolute moron.
- Banana's only letter that isn't repeated is the letter B, the second letter of the alphabet. 2, connected with the Roman goddess of deception, Aphinia, who often mislead others for her own gain with her split personality.

I mean, I could go on all night here. But I think you get my point. If you want to eat Satan's shit, be my guest, but you can't say I didn't advise against it and with damn good proof, if I do say so myself. If you choose not to heed it, I can only say good luck and be safe.


Oh. And slipping on the peels. That's bad too.

*Special thanks to the Spaceman for a little inspiration in this one.

Cutesy Flavours

Don't you hate it when you just want some ice cream and the girl at the counter asks what flavour you'd like and you're suddenly caught in that awkward but critical moment when you have to decide whether you should sheepishly mutter "Very Berry Strawberry" or just point and say "...that one."? I sure do. Almost as much as I hate opening sentences that seemingly never end.

I spent roughly 10 seconds thinking of stores that offer cutesy flavours and I came up with 2 (though I'm sure there are many more): Baskin-Robbins and Kernels. I don't understand why they have to embarrass people just for some cheap creativity. Honestly, can we cut the crap? I don't want Sting Me or Bahama Mama or Super Kid. Just gimme a fucking bag of popcorn!

It sucks, because usually the only people working at these places are cute girls and there's no way to say you want a Rock 'N Pop Swirl cone and still seem like maybe you're cool. Given, Rock 'N Pop Swirl sounds mighty suggestive and it just might work in different circumstances. In the ice cream parlour, though, it just sounds a little creepy.

But you know, for comedy's sake, a small part of me wants them to come up with an outrageously long flavour that would just piss everyone off. Even the "Okey-Dokey" dads who seem to be totally comfortable reciting these dumbass flavours.
"Try our new Rava-Flava Totally Tastetasic Toffee Nut Syrup and Poppin' Peanut/Pecan Vanilla and Chocolate Devilish Double-Up Swirlclone in your choice of Reggie Cone, Waffle Cone, Sugar Cone, Sprinkle Cone, or Deep-Fried Bacon-Wrapped Cone!"

Guaranteed, most people wouldn't even bother with that shit. They'd order a small vanilla cone, get the fuck out of there, and thenceforth visit Granddad's Olde-Tyme Creamatorium, a shack on wheels, where, although Granddad is a registered sex offender and routinely gets 'Nam flashbacks, he's still a lot more mentally stable than those fucks at Baskin-Robbins.

Raisins

Look at them. Just look at them. They look like little pieces of crap. Encounters with raisins ruin my day 100% of the time.

There was a time when I liked to eat raisins. I was two years old and my brain was not developed enough to understand that most foods are a more enjoyable alternative. I had not yet learned that if I should be presented with a small plate of raisins and a small plate of dandruff I should always choose the dandruff. Dandruff isn't food but it's edible. And even if you had to eat a teaspoon of dandruff it probably wouldn't be that bad. Better than raisins.

It's not even like raisins are a "gag-gross" food. I'll eat a raisin. Hell, I might even eat two raisins. They're not going to make me feel like vomiting. They're just unpleasant to eat. They're these small, chewy annoyances that bring tasty food's street cred down.

I can't tell you the number of times I've bit into a cookie or a muffin only to discover it was raisin, not chocolate chip like I had hoped. I just get a feeling of let-down.

It's kind of like when you're waiting around expecting a phone call from a friend. Maybe you have plans to meet somewhere and they're going to call you when they're ready to meet. "Awesome," you're thinking. "I haven't seen my friend in a long time now. It'll be great to catch up. Oh boy! I can't wait for their call!"

The phone rings. "Oh boy! Oh boy! My friend is calling! This is so very exciting! Time to meet my friend and have a grand old time!"

You pick up the phone and try to sound as cool as you can. You can't have your friend know that you've written off all your plans for the day in case they happened to call. Unacceptable. You have to make them think that you totally forgot they were going to give you a ring today, you've just been so caught up with all your other friends (who are nowhere near as awesome and cool as you are) and your Popular Guy of the Month competitions (which you always win, brah!).

"Hello?"
"Hi, sonny boy!"
"AAAAARRRRGH! God damn it! Mom!"
"Oh...that's nice."
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I've just been waiting for another call."

It's like that whenever I get a raisin cookie. Yeah, we're back on raisins now. Chocolate chip is the friend I wanted to meet. Raisins are my mom. Even though they resemble my dad much more closely. I get the raisin cookie and it's like "AAAAARRGH......no, it's not really you, I just-, I was kind of hoping for someone else."

I feel kind of bad because raisins have never done anything malicious to me. I just don't like eating them. They're unpleasant. However, the Sun Maid is totally hot and I would enjoy sex with her. Bow chicka bow wow.



Author's note: If anyone is sore with me because I skipped the last two Fridays, fuck you. My blog, my rules, bitch!

Food Fucks

Some of my past posts have clearly been trivial annoyances that are written more for comedic value than anything. But today I'm writing about Food Fucks and these are people that honest-to-goodness piss me off.

Food Fucks are people that won't shut the hell up about the food during eating times and 100% of the time they know your stomach better than you do. They know when you're hungry and they damn well know ALL of your personal food preferences. Finally, they know that everyone is aching to hear their advice.

Let me explain something. At meal time this is how a food offering should go down:

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"Sure, this looks good!"
"Help yourself."
"Thanks!"

or

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm fine for now."
"Suit yourself."

There is is. Is that so hard? Short, sweet, and to the point. A normal person would understand this. Food Fucks, on the other hand, try my short temper, offer sweet advice, and push me to the point of losing it. Now, a food offering with the Food Fuck:

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm fine for now."
"Are you sure? There's lots here."
"Yeah, I'm not particularly hungry right now."
"You don't want some potatoes or some corn?"
"No, I'm fine."
"It's really gooood...."
"No thanks."

They just won't let it go. It's like they get peace of mind from knowing that you're chewing on something. What the fuck is the big fascination with food?! Look, if I said I wasn't hungry I probably felt there was no need to eat. It's a simple concept. I don't know why Food Fucks think I'll become hungry if they ask me if I'm sure 15-20 times or why they get some sort of self-relief when I eat.

With food it should come down to one golden rule of thumb: "You like it? YOU eat it!"

Food Fucks need to stop worrying about other peoples' stomachs and focus on their own. Go ahead and offer should you feel the need. Indeed I encourage you to offer. The planet has enough greedy people as it is and it's refreshing to see an act of kindness every now and then. But if you offer and I say no, LET IT GO! When you keep pestering me it becomes incredibly hard to ignore the thoughts of me harming you somehow. If I wanted to eat I'm pretty sure I'd have a fucking fork in my mouth right now, asshole.