Steven Tyler

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Black Licorice

My parents were good parents, but clearly they fucked up when it came to teaching me about the delicate subject of licorice. I'm in my mid 20s now and I still desperately want to believe that licorice is supposed to be red, not black, even though I know I'm wrong. My mom probably fed me a little piece of red licorice when I was three years old and ever since that day my head ain't been quite right.

Let's cut to the chase. Black licorice is shit. All black candies are. Licorice, jelly beans, ju-jubes, gum drops, Colgate Total, you all suck. Black is the colour of death and that's precisely what you taste like. Among other things such as ass, taint, nutsack, and anything else in or around the nether-regions.

Plus, have you ever seen someone after they've eaten a black candy? They look like a ghoul! They've got blue-ish black stains on their teeth and little drops of black juice in the corners of their mouth. It's fucking frightening. They always look like they're about to eat my skin with their black-candy-loving Vampiro fangs.

And are you one of those poor black-candy-loathing pricks like I am who has been in the unfortunate situation where you don't know if the candy you're about to eat is dark purple or black? So you man up and eat it? And it turns out to be black? That fucking sucks! And you almost swear off feeding the gumball machine quarters every time you go shopping.

Also, shame on anyone who actually likes those disgusting assorted licorice candies. Or those Hershey "Goodies".

I will see you and your damn black candies in hell.

IT'S OVER!!!!!

If they announced today that the wars in the middle east are officially over as of midnight, I probably wouldn't be as excited and relieved as I am now. Okay, I would, but you get the point. Anyway, FIFA 2010 is ending! The last game is underway! The end of this long highway of bullshit is on the horizon!

For a month I've had to listen to trivial crap about NOTHING until it was ultimately drowned out by vuvuzelas. I've had to listen to endless stats about players I don't care about, teams I don't care about, and a game I don't care about.

For a month I've had to watch Coca-Cola's bullshit advertising with dancing Africans happily gulping down that sugary crap. I've had to watch a bunch of pricks placing bets based on what a FUCKING OCTOPUS tells them.

For a month I've had to put up with brain-dead people shouting "Gooooooooooaaaaaall!"

Basically, for a month I haven't taken a solid shit.

And now the last game is underway! I don't give a rat's ass who wins! I'm actually crossing my fingers, hoping a giant asteroid will fall from the sky and land directly on the stadium with 20 seconds left in the game!

I'm giving everyone one grace day and only one. I know tomorrow everyone from your average Joes to your news networks to your Daily Shows will have to talk about the "big win". So I'm granting ONE day to get your ya-yas out.

After that I don't want to hear "soccer", "Fifa", "Gooooaaal", or "Al Gore" ever again. Thank you.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!....(ahem)...The British Government

As I was saying, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

I've known that Britain was a big surveillance state, but this crosses the fucking line.

I urge you to read the link and look into it more, but if you're too lazy to even do that, here's a paragraph that sums it up:

According to the report, the government will use the cameras to make sure the kids are doing their homework and going to bed on time. They will engage in 'behavioural contracts' with the parents and ensure certain duties are met.

IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?! Hold on...calendar check.

Nope, it really is August, not April. I can't believe I'm reading this! Do I need to fucking say it again? Government, politicians, dipshits:

STAY....(are you with me?)...OUT....(still there?)... OF PEOPLES' FUCKING LIVES!

I'm really get fed up with all these governments that feel the need to intervene into and have complete control over every aspect of everyone's life. The government does not own us (them) and they have no right to do this. It's downright sickening. What kind of evil, drivel-brained assdicks dreamed up this idea in the first place? I'd surely love to pound their fucking skulls in with a baseball bat until their brains are all over the sidewalk. Maybe if I can speak directly to their splattered grey matter instead of trying to get through their thick-ass heads, they'll GET A GOD DAMN CLUE.*

But wait a second. If I have nothing to hide, why should I be worrying?

Can you stop with this absolute bullshit question? Every fucking time a privacy issue is raised I hear this. Fine. If you're that fucking dense, be my guest. Give up every last right you currently have. Please forward me your banking information, your complete internet history, which puppet candidate you voted for in the last election, and several nude photographs of yourself from all angles.

Don't you see? Everyone has something to hide. But oh, I'm just a random guy. Not government officials who are doing things in your best interest. Why would you disclose anything to me? The government(s) are corrupt. They don't give a fuck about you. They do give a fuck about having complete control over you however. We need to stop giving up our rights left, right, and centre.

Nobody needs these corrupt, greedy, power-hungry, shit-for-brains, dickweed cocksuckers making sure they're raising their children to set guidelines. Again, the government does not own you or your family. The fact that I even have to rant about this happening is abhorrent.

Oh and...(insert obligatory Nineteen Eighty-Four reference or comparison).


*I don't condone or support physical violence. Just trying to get my point across. Uh...I hope you're all writing those stern letters...

DVD Slip Cases

They're irritating. What is the point? The DVD is in a hard case, it's got sticky anti-theft stuff around the edges, and it's wrapped in plastic. Why is there a need for these cardboard cases?

The only thing that happens is I take the DVD case out and then throw the slip case into a corner somewhere because I don't have the heart to throw it away. I feel like it's part of the DVD. It's like throwing out a book after reading it. Sure, I've already read it, but it doesn't seem appropriate to just throw it away. So I keep it.

I mean, with all the talk about saving the environment, how about we not bullshit carbon tax people and maybe think about cutting out all of this extraneous packaging that's everywhere, not just on DVDs. It's fucking useless. I buy a pair of headphones and by the time I've got them out my garbage can is overflowing. All of it adds up. Just gimme the headphones and cut out the bullshit shell casing and paper and cardboard and twist ties. Fuck.

Like, you're taking a DVD with a picture on the cover and putting it inside a piece of cardboard with the exact same picture on it. It's completely pointless. A bunch of decoration isn't going to make the movie more enjoyable. Cut the crap already.

Magic Mushrooms

Shrooms are bad. Very bad. You should not eat them. Please. Do not eat them.

Why?

Because magic mushrooms are drugs. And drugs are bad. They have no positive qualities. The government has done extensive testing on this. They, as a collective few people, have actually determined what is good for every single person in this country and what isn't. I'm still getting over the shock myself. I find it truly stunning that my country's government knows more about how I will react to a substance I haven't even ingested than I do.

Jeez, these guys seem really smart. I should listen to them. After all, they are my elected officials. They know more than me and they know what's good for me. I don't know how, but they do. Don't question it, just accept. Doing otherwise makes you a terrorist. You don't want to be a terrorist, do you?

People who do shrooms are bad. Scum. They are equivalent to homeless crack addicts. If they happen to share their so called "revelations" with you, pay no attention. It's because they're on drugs. If they refute, don't worry. They're on drugs. Anything they tell you about is their delusional recollection of things that they imagined which do not exist.

We are not one. We have enemies. Iraqis! Apparently they're the "bad" trend for this season. They are not like us. We must destroy them. They do not have families or fascist governments or thought processes like us. They are evil. Higher people have told me so.

Enough about the government. Shrooms. Damn you, shrooms. Damn you for growing naturally on this planet, first of all. You're a fucking huge inconveniece to law makers who somehow have the authority to make certain things that aren't even man-made illegal. How dare you?

Damn you for instilling an overwhelming feeling of love into countless people. Love. I repeat, LOVE. Undoubtedly the most dangerous emotion of all. Didn't Hitler invent love? Positive emotions certainly aren't tolerated by our leaders (who know everything, once again) and must be stopped.

Damn you for showing people there is more to the world than American Idol, jobs, money, taxes, laws, and miracle diets. The absolute nerve you have, shrooms, of letting us know that our physical bodies are here for 75, 80 years, but consciousness is for eternity. The fucking audacity you have to show us that the petty bullshit we deal with day in and day out DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

Hold on, hold on. My prime minister, my leader, his minions? They don't matter in the long run? The things they tell me to do and what not to do...they're completely irrelevant? Their power is all a huge fucking illusion? We are all the same consciousness experiencing itself as billions of separate entities as we speak and there is no need for greed, corruption, slander, racism, violence, and warfare?

Shrooms? You're making people severely second guess the integrity of power-hungry assholes the people who know best for the country?

Well, I'm certainly glad you're illegal. You have no business in this society. You unquestionably destroy every life you enter and....I don't know....you're incredibly addictive and you make people want to rape their fathers. That work for you? Father rapers!




...And you taste bad. If you're going to open and expand minds, isn't a watermelon aftertaste the least you can do? Seriously.

Life's Little (cough, bullshit) Instructions (and Lists Like It)

Mr. Snell, I appreciate that you lived to be at least 95 years old and that you wanted to leave people with some positive words, but I do believe you're full of shit and I must debunk and destroy your list piece by piece. There are too many of these hokey inspirational lists floating around the internet. If you take 10 seconds out to actually think about the things these lists advocate, you'll see that they're completely fucking meaningless. And I'm here to prove that. So strap in.

Sing in the shower.
Please don't. Most people are fucking rubbish. The last thing I need is a bunch of shitty singers pissing me off.

Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Tried it. Doesn't work. People walk all over me every damn day.

Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Done it. The hangover's fucking brutal the next day, I'll tell you.

Never refuse homemade brownies.
This is arguably the best advice ever or the worst, depending on the situation. If you're visiting the frat kids that enjoy a classic prank, bad idea. If you're at Tommy Chong's house...

Strive for excellence, not perfection.
How about I work on getting the job done without you berating my work and calling me a fuckup? Then we can focus on the above-average striving.

Plant a tree on your birthday.
Are you high? What does this possibly accomplish? This sounds like some asshole with his finger up his nose decided that the idea sounded symbolic of something but couldn't figure out what so he put it off until later and just never got around to it. What a load of crap.

Learn three clean jokes.
What for? To keep kids at a birthday party entertained for 22 seconds?

Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
This should be common sense and common courtesy. If you need a list to suggest this to you, you're probably a dick.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Yeah. That's all I need is a bunch of people suspecting I'm on ecstasy. For God's sake, as good as it looks in writing, telling everyone you love them is a bad idea.

Leave everything better than you found it.
How in the fuck is anyone supposed to do that?! Does Mr. Snell think everyone is unemployed and has all day to waste their time trying to do this impossible task? Let's say I'm walking through the forest with this mantra in my head. I accidentally trample some flowers. Shit! So to leave it better than I found it, I go find some better flowers from another part of the woods, bring them back, and plant them where the trampled flowers were. But oh shit again! Now I have to find some even better flowers to replace the flowers that a replaced the trampled flowers with! And pretty soon I'm spending my whole day rearranging the whole forest. This is just one of the many scenarios that happen in the course of a day. I don't have the time to spend leaving everything better than I found it. It can't be done.

Keep it simple.
Yes you have. Do you mind being more specific? Keep what simple?

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Is this...is this code for masturbation? You dirty old man!

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
I'm not off to a good start, am I?

Be forgiving on yourself and others.
Damn it, if he had just added "...my son" at the end, I would've thought Jesus himself wrote this list!

Say "thank you" a lot.
The little Asian man at the convenience store on my drive home from work thanks me when I ask him how he is, when I give him my debit card, when he RETURNS my debit card, when I put down the debit machine, when I say goodbye, and when I leave the store. The amount of gratitude he has is actually a little uncomfortable. Bad idea.

Say "please" a lot.
What kind of reputation are you going to have if you ask people permission for everything? A nobody, that's who. Have some backbone and take charge, son!

Avoid negative people.
If you're actually still reading at this point in the list, yeah, you're the type of person who should avoid me. You'd just be doing us both a favour.

Wear polished shoes.
Fucking asshole! My Vans are now fucking ruined because of your shitty advice! You owe me!

Remember other peoples' birthdays.
Dale Greenwood of Mobile, Montana- June 9
Chang Xiopang of Fu Hai, China- February 18
Hans Birdenbich of Kolderwein, Germany- July 22

Oh, people I know? Be specific. Dumb people like me might be wasting their time.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Kind of like Jocelyn Wildenstein? Doesn't always work. Sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are.

Have a firm handshake.
I'll do it just because it's one of the easiest things on the list, but I don't get how it'll improve my life.

Send lots of valentine cards, sign them.
I did. My girlfriend found out, called me a two-timing pig, and dumped me. I did, however get laid 5 1/2 times that Valentine's Day and not with the same girl twice.

On second thought, this one's not so bad.

Look people in the eye.
Again, too damn vague. Do this in moderation. When you're constantly looking at someone with saucer eyes, they think you're up to something.

Be the first to say hello.
Not in prison. A smile, a wave, and a big hello to everyone there means your ass is grass in less than an hour.

Return all things you borrow.
What if I borrow your cat while you go on vacation for 2 months and it dies an hour after your flight leaves? Do you still want it back when you return in 8 weeks? Because I don't mind saving it for you.

Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. More advice about something people pretty much do naturally.

Keep secrets.
Except from the IRS. They HATE that.

Plant flowers every spring.
I ran out of soil after all that meaningless birthday tree planting. Can't do it, sorry.

Have a dog.
Being a human male, I think that's virtually impossible. And I think bestiality is illegal anyway. I'll just adopt instead.

Always accept an outstretched hand.
Even if I'm fully aware that I'm about to get stinkpalmed? Or what if it's all nasty and only has two fingers on it? What if zombies are chasing me? Should I go with them? What if it's Edward Scissorhands? Does that technically count as a hand?

Stop blaming others.
Why would you presume that I already do this? And even if I did blame others, what if they actually did it? Do you expect me to confess to shit I didn't even do and go to jail over three words on a bullshit list? Get real.

Take responsibility over everything in your life.
Take that, religion! No more of this "It's God's will" crap. Free will is not questionable according to Mr. Snell. Time to step up to the plate!

Wave at kids on school buses.
In this day and age? I think not. Maybe in 1950 that was acceptable, sir. But today being kind to children automatically makes you a pedophile, you're a lost cause, straight to the slammer with no trial, mandatory minimum sentence: life. Do not show any compassion for children, you twisted fuck.

Be there when people need you.
Hook me up with a beeper and a cell phone. Call me anytime. ANY time. Everyone I know has my contact info and I will gladly leave my wife as she's giving birth to come help you open that pickle jar. You need me, I'm there. I'm your friend and assistant on call 24/7.

Don't expect life to be fair.
Shouldn't this be the actual disclaimer at the top of the list? "If you choose to follow this advice..."

Never underestimate the power of love.
Oh, I don't. Huey Lewis and the News can write a solid tune, no doubt. And it was used so well in Back the the Future!

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
I did. Just this morning actually. 8 glasses with my morning toast. The boss was not impressed. My behaviour according to him was "unruly and completely inappropriate for the workplace."

Live your life like an exclamation, not an explanation.
I'm happy for you. You've found two big words that rhyme. Now would you mind taking a short break from this rule to explain to me exactly what the fuck it means?

Don't be afraid to say "I made a mistake."
You first. Apologize for this damn list, Snell!

Don't be afraid to say "I don't know."
See previous point.

Compliment even small improvements.
But don't be afraid to tell them they've still got a hell of a long way to go.

Keep your promises no matter what.
What if I die? Surely there are extenuating circumstances. Can you cut me some slack? I honestly didn't mean to die. It just kind of happened.

Marry only for love.
Take that, Indians! Once again, here comes Big Snell stomping all over customs different from his own! Arranged marriage has no place on this list and therefore no place in the world.

Rekindle old friendships.
Didn't you tell me to "Make new friends but cherish old ones"? If I was doing that, I wouldn't have to rekindle shit.

Count your blessings.
Done. 247. What did you get? Did I win? I won, right?

Call your mother.
MOM!

...Nope. No answer. She doesn't love me.

And your dad too, if they happen to be alive.
I'm not calling my dad! He's a hardass and he's busy at work. If I did he would leave early to come home and bludgeon me with a lamp for wasting money on phone calls. My dad's one of those people who you just don't exchange "I love you"s with. We both know the other loves us, but we would never ever ever say it. Things would get uh-gly.


Well, there you go. The list doesn't have that warm fuzzy feeling any more, does it? Kind of seems like a load of crap? Hopefully. Do not pay any attention to these feel-good things floating around on the internet, folks. They'll destroy your fucking life.

"Live Every Day Like It's Your Last!"

What kind of a stupid bullshit motivational phrase is this? This is something clueless morons say to themselves to feel good about life, but clearly they put no thought into it at all.

If I lived even two days like they were my last I'd either be dead or I'd need a long-ass visit to Slumberland. In all likelihood, I'd be dead. Probably from a drug overdose or a police sniper's bullet. Depends how I schedule my activities.

But no matter. That's just me. That's just one guy. The scary thing is, there are people spouting off "Live every day like it's your last!" to several people. They think this is advice ALL people should follow. The world I do not want to live in is the one where everyone is living their day like it's their last. Life as we know it would cease to exist before lunchtime.

Murder would skyrocket. If one were to assume they wouldn't be around in 24 hours, it's quite possibly they'd pick up a gun or a knife and hunt down their ex, their boss, and who knows, maybe even those assholes at Mr. Lube who ripped me off. How will we have time to worry about the economy when everyone's dead?

The highways will be fucked. Everyone will steal cars and drive down highways at very high rates of speed. People will be run over without remorse. There will be car crashes every 5 feet. The freeway will be engulfed in fire and explosions. Take public transit that day.

Millions of people will take LSD, think they can fly, and jump off buildings. Not necessarily because they actually believe they can fly, just because they'd think it's fun to go out in the cliche way. As for other drugs, they'd be smoked, swallowed, snorted, and injected so quickly, you wouldn't be able to find anything anywhere. Of course, the delusional U.S. government would quickly hold a press conference proudly annoucing "We've finally won the War on Drugs!", taking full credit and telling reporters, "No one believed us, but we always KNEW it was working!"

Rape would increase. I'd elaborate, but rape isn't funny, I'm told.

Now, bear in mind this is the stuff that would happen if world leaders didn't exist. This is what would happen if people actually had the time to do this stuff. With world leaders, they absolutely wouldn't. Every country that had 'em would say "Fuck it" and promptly deploy their nukes. The sky would be filled with missles, bombs, bullets, arrows....guys launched from catapults, I don't know. The point is, the world would turn into a giant ball of fire and radiation and dead shit.

So the next time someone tells you to live every day like it's your last, tell them to go fuck themselves and then quietly finish your Twinkie. No planet ever got annihilated by twin-wrapped cakes.

Stephen Harper...Again!

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

As a rule I'm going to begin each of my Stephen Harper rants with that. Jesus Christ, I am fucking livid. Fuck you, Harper, you're ruining this country. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. Leave politics forever. Never come back. You're a fucking moron and I'll say it again, YOU'RE DESTROYING THE FUCKING COUNTRY. Ugh. I wish at the very least I could type in even bigger letters.

So what is this all about? Well, Stephen Harper, our "heroic" prime minister decided to take a 10 minute break from devouring kittens to pass legislation to hand out mandatory jail sentences to people growing marijuana. "Surely," you must be saying, "surely this is for people growing several hundred plants."

WRONG! It's a mandatory six month jail sentence for people growing ONE to two hundred plants and the jail time increases going beyond that. I'll say that again. ONE...to two hundred plants. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

Now we're in a situation where some otherwise law-abiding guy or girl can go to jail and quite possibly have their life ruined for growing ONE marijuana plant for personal use. This is completely god damned FUCKING looney tunes ridiculous.

Let's think about this. As it was, if you were caught growing you were taken to a judge who could, get this, JUDGE...and maybe let you off. But no, now it's wham, bam, six months right off the bat, possibly with more time depending on the circumstances. What, are we going to start releasing violent criminals because there is not enough room in our jails to hold the people who got caught with a damn marijuana plant?

Fuck you, Harper. I'll bet your idol George Bush comes over to your house every night and you two feast on kittens and then fuck each other in the ass on top of a pile of taxpayers' money and partially burnt flags. And here I was, stupid enough to briefly believe that our country was more progressive and reasonable than our neighbours to the south. What a kick in the nuts. Just when you think we're making some headway towards gaining back some of the freedom they're yanking away from us all at an alarming rate, they bend you over and anally rape you and set the country back decades.

It absolutely blows my mind how a group of people can decide for everyone that nature is illegal. For thousands of years people used marijuana for a plethora of different things and then a couple of assholes come along in the 20th century, spread outrageous lies, and outlaw it because it's "dangerous." It ruins lives, they say. Yeah, because you're fucking throwing people in jail for using a plant! The plant is not ruining anyone's life, your fucking lies and laws are!

IMPEACH THIS FUCKING DICKWAD RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Pre-Movie Crapola

Damn it, I remember (vaguely, mind you) when going to see a movie meant going to see a movie. But today you don't just go to the theatre to see a movie, you go to plant your ass down and take in roughly 10-11 hours of Coca Cola and Levis ads. Once you're through that, you can give youself a pat on the back and rest easy knowing that you've finally made it. Made it all the way to the elaborate and expensive looking "Coming Attractions" intro. At this point you're thinking, "Christ Almighty, do I still have my ticket stub on me? I'm going for a smoke."

Like, what the fuck is going on? The coming attractions I can understand because you're in a movie theatre and it makes sense to advertise upcoming movies in a movie theatre. That doesn't mean I enjoy watching them, it just means I see where they're coming from.

Back in the day I remember the coming attractions portion being quite tolerable and I'd imagine that has to be true because I would have been a kid and very antsy. If my squirmy little 10 year old ass could sit through the previews without getting up and tearing through the theatre throwing poporn everywhere, they couldn't have been too bad.

But then the coming attractions segment got super long. I was older and more patient, but even then I remember thinking, "This is...kind of ridiculous." And a few times I even forgot what movie I had come to see for a second or two. But length aside, it was still "Coming Attractions" so it was somehow acceptable.

Then the day came when (gasp!) a Coke ad was played before the coming attractions. Imagine! A TV advertisment in a movie theatre! How devilishly scandalous! It was only a minute long though so it's brevity made this risquee move relatively harmless.

And here we are today when we actually have to sit through an endless stream of advertisements that are completely unrelated to movies or movie theatres. Those boring-ass Telus ads with the animals on a white background are bad enough on TV. I have no desire to see them on the big screen with surround sound. Seriously, this is not one 60-second ad we're talking about here. It's not something that you can laugh off and say "Whatever" to. I mean, you could walk three towns over for a glass of beer and return before this shit is over and they still have the audacity to show a bunch of trailers for shitty romantic comedies.

I go to the theatre like once a year and I'm still fed up with this crap. I think I've discovered why I have trouble sitting through movies. By the time the movie starts I need to walk around and stretch my legs. It's absurd.

Guantanamo Shell

I had a downright ghastly experience at the gas station last night. I was driving home from work and hadn't eaten in a long time so I decided to stop at a gas station at about the halfway point to grab a bag of chips. I don't usually stop at this gas station, but as I pulled in I assumed I'd be able to grab my chips, pay, and leave. If that was the case though, I wouldn't be writing this.

Maybe I'm just not up to speed on gas station culture, but the Shell station I stopped at was seriously taking security on a joyride. I got out of my truck and noticed a younger guy outside talking to the clerk through a little window beside the register. I payed no attention and walked up to the doors, pulled, and discovered they were locked.

So I went over to the little window where the guy was still paying for his gas and smokes and waited. When he was done I said loudly to the clerk through the window, "Can I get a bag of chips or are you guys closed?" He replied back that he couldn't open the door but he could pass me them through the window.

Now this window was more of a small box attached to the side of the store. There was a door that the clerk could open and a door that the customer could open. They couldn't be opened at the same time though for security reasons I guess.

So the clerk goes around the counter and over to the chips and he starts pointing at bags and looking at me to signal to him which bag I want. But the aisle is set up in a way that I can't see what he's pointing at. So I keep repositioning myself and eventually I lean way over and it looks like he's pointing at the bag I want so I just give him a thumbs up and it's not the bag I wanted but fuck it, I'm sick of this shit and I feel like a moron.

Then he brings the wrong chips around and rings them up and go figure, I don't even have enough change to pay for them. So I have to put them on debit and have him stretch the fucking machine through the stupid god damned window-box piece of shit. And then we go through this whole process of him trying to pass me the chips through the window and it not working out because we're both trying to open our little doors at the same time and it doesn't work like that!

What the hell?! Why must I feel like a criminal at the gas station?! I felt like I was in a reverse prison cell and instead of passing stuff to me through a lockable slot in the door, they were passing my shit out. I understand the need for security at convenience stores, but isn't this taking it a little far?

It took me like four and a half hours to buy a bag of chips when I could have just walked in, gotten the RIGHT DAMNED KIND, plopped them on the counter, and paid. I'd have been in and out in 30 seconds. Instead I had to mouth words, play charades with a guy and pass a bunch of shit through a fucking window.

Next time hunger strikes while I'm driving, I'm pulling over and eating grass and dirt out of the ditch. I can't say it will be pleasant, but it will be filling and I won't need to be a theatre major to get some chow.

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

Missing a Friend's Birthday Party

I'm a lonely guy to begin with. I don't have many friends and rarely do I spend time with the few that I have. I mean, I rant online every day, is it that much of a surprise? So when someone calls me to hang out I try to do everything I can to make it work, which is hard with the unusual hours that I work.

A couple weeks ago my friend/bandmate informed me of a birthday party he was hosting for himself, which happened to be today. Since I work every Saturday night I did my best to get some time off and I succeeded in getting half of my shift off (7pm-11pm were supposed to be a non-issue for me). That was until yesterday, when I was given a special task.

"No biggie," I thought, "I'll still be able to leave by 7, 7:30 at the latest." Boy was I wrong. The special task ended up dragging on for-fucking-ever and I didn't finish until nearly 10:00. Since it would take me close to an hour to get to my friend's house, the birthday party ended up being a fucking write-off. FUCK!

Why today, man, why today? All year I've spent each Saturday doing fuck all at work because Saturday's are just like that here. The one time when I actually get to have a social life I get sprung with bullshit which completely denies me that opportunity. Woe is me.

All I wanted to do was drink a couple beers, play a little guitar, and have some fun. Thanks to my abysmal social life I probably won't see any of my friends for 3-4 months now. Because that's the way it's being working for me for the last couple of years.

I suck, work sucks, and I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Eco-Crime and the Environmental Police

Are you fucking serious?! I saw this clip and had to double check to make sure I wasn't watching another video from the Onion. Eco-crime? Environmental police? Get the fuck out of here. What a joke.

This shit hasn't hit Canada yet...at least as far as I know, but just wait. I remember confiding in a friend in the months following Inconvenient Truth's release and nobody could shut the hell up about going green. I said to him, "I don't know why and I have nothing that suggests it will, but I get the feeling that this "green movement" will be used to fuck people over." And wouldn't you know it, here we are.

It seems like god damn everything is somehow used as an excuse to fuck everyone over. Now I'm not going to speculate on whether or not 9/11 was an inside job. That's not what I'm here to do tonight. But no matter what you believe about the 9/11 attacks, you simply can't deny that they have been used to fuck over hard-working Americans. Rights are being yanked away and it's all in the name of counter-terrorism. Yeah. OK.

Anyway, back to the environment. Why do we need police so heavily involved in our lives? And why are these morons carrying guns and handcuffs? In case someone has the balls to tell them to fuck off and rip up their silly little eco-ticket? It wasn't enough to get everyone to watch some asshole's global warming video and leave it to them to make "the right choice"? Now they're basically demanding that we save the planet at gunpoint?

I read someone's comment on this clip and it was bloody brilliant. They suggested that Obama should have to pay a "Bullshit Tax" to American citizens every time he says or does something that's complete bullshit. They'd all be millionaires by year's end. Get the government and police out of everyone's lives and stop fucking us over with senseless cash-grabs like this.

To hell with this 5 cents for a plastic bag shit too. I don't need anyone gradually forcing me to save the planet. I'll do it when I'm good and god damned ready.

Stephen Harper

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

I knew a Stephen Harper post was inevitable at some point and here we are. I'd like to first say that I hate this fucking puppet cocksucker asshole, but never have I felt the degree of hatred for him that I'm feeling right now. Mr. Harper, you're the George Bush of Canada and I want you out of office immediately. You're ruining this country as you bumble around with your stupid fucking smile and your stupid fucking voice and your stupid fucking hair. It would not surprise me to learn that after the above picture was taken you promptly devoured the cat. You are evil scum and fuck you.

I had to get that out of my system. Now I can tell you why I've suddenly exploded with "fucks" directed towards our shitty prime minister. Here's why: Ottawa's plan to fingerprint those not yet charged under fire.

I've been following this type of thing and it's happening in the States. Finally it's come to Canada and I'm fucking pissed. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of governments slowly taking away citizens' freedoms. We're supposed to be a fucking free country. This is complete horseshit.

I'm sick of freedoms being taken away in the name of security or efficiency. I'm sick of freedoms being taken away and the government telling us it's for our benefit. Lies, lies, lies. I know the government doesn't give two shits about me or anyone else in this country. They care about power and slowly they're working their way up to absolute power. The government doesn't have our best interests in mind. They'd be just as happy, scratch that, happier to see us all work 24 hours a day, completely under their thumb. They'd love it if we had no way of overthrowing bad, shitty governments like this one.

Why should I be treated like a suspect or a criminal when I've done nothing wrong? This is not innocent until proven guilty, this is guilty until proven innocent. Why should the police and the government have my fingerprints and picture if I haven't committed a crime? This is not for efficiency. This is another fuck up the ass that brings the government one step closer towards complete control.

It's the frog in boiling water analogy yet again. Slowly take away peoples' rights and they won't even notice. Until we all wake up one morning and realize we're living in a complete fucking police state. Screw travelling to the States too. I'm not getting a passport or one of these enhanced driver's licenses either. It's another fuck up the ass.

Stephen Harper's a puppet, Bush was a puppet, and I know a lot of people won't like it, but Obama's a puppet.

And while we're here, fuck the Patriot Act too.

This Cruel, Cruel Week

I don't like to bring my personal life into my updates because frankly, you probably don't care all that much. But since I have neither the inspiration or energy to come up with something better tonight, well, you'll just have to endure.

You ever see that movie The Truman Show? I swear I have a show of my own that tons of people must be watching right now. And I do believe this week is the "Try to Break His Will to Go On" sweeps. This week has been god damn dreadful.

I started getting sick on Monday. Sneezing like a bastard and runny/stuffy nose. About the same on Tuesday. Today I developed the cough that I knew would be inevitable. It's horsecrap because even though my illnesses clear up in a few days, my coughs go on for weeks. I don't know what it is. Tonight I just feel fucking drained and I want to go home.

The rest of the week aside from being sick? Monday/Tuesday I had the exercise soreness. Tuesday after work at 11:30pm my truck broke down on the highway. Once again I payed the price for not having a cell phone, but my pride is too strong to crack because of that. I had to endure 45 minutes of awkward conversation with a tow truck driver. What the hell do you talk to a tow truck driver about? My truck had to be kept at the garage for a couple days and the repairs are going to be about $1000. Back in the god damn hole again.

Today I was scheduled to be into work at 1pm. I had no vehicle and my work sure as hell isn't biking distance so I phoned my brother who then drove 40 minutes just to help me out. He picked me up and I spent another hour and a half commuting to work. I get to work and find out that I'm not even needed there anymore. Thanks for letting me know.

I do the same shitty pick-up/commute all the way home and rest for approximately half an hour before borrowing my dad's truck and driving in for my normal shift. Why didn't I just stay at work? It's complicated, but I assure you there is a good reason. You don't want to hear it, I don't want to write it.

I arrive at work and a note tells me that I'm an hour late. Apparently I was supposed to come in early and again nobody fucking told me. Now someone hates me just because I didn't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do. And I spent the rest of the night weakly doing the same old shit at work, suicide making more and more sense with each passing minute.

Before the week is through I expect to have swine flue, have my truck stolen, get fired, and run out of toilet paper. It's bad, but hey, at least I'll be prepared for it.

Classical Crossover

I know my classical music. Not only was I a classical aficionado for several years, the nature of my job exposes me to classical music 5 days a week. So I know what I'm talking about here. Now...

To any budding classical music fans, I have one very important thing to tell you and here it is: no matter how badly you want them to be, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman, Andrea Bocelli, Paul Potts, and film scores are not classical music. Especially Josh Groban. In fact, Josh Groban may someday receive his own entry just because he irritates me so much. Anyway, this music (with the exception of film scores) is what is called classical crossover. It's like classical meets pop. And it's shit.

Now that I've said that, I'd like to address that these people do perform operatic repertoire and that's the one thing that keeps me from completely disrespecting everything they do. But why does everyone melt over their bullshit songs like Time to Say Goodbye (the video above)? Con te partiro is the fucking worst. I've heard it way too many times, morons love it, and it's not even a great song to begin with.

People apparently listen to this and think it's opera. There is nothing I'd love more than to see Puccini, Rossini, Verdi, and Wagner crawl out of their graves and kick these peoples' asses.

I think my main problem with classical crossover is that I think of it as being sort of the Miley Cyrus of the classical music world. Today's mainstream music is all dumbed down and classical music is no exception. I hear so much great music today that never gets radio airplay or publicity because some jackass decided that it wouldn't make any money so it's no good. Instead they'll give people Miley Cyrus because she's good looking. But the music is FUCKING BULLSHIT. And that's the problem with the music industry. It's the "hotness industry" not the music industry. People apparently don't mind mediocre music if the singer is hot.

Classical crossover is the same. Everyone likes it because it's melodramatic and catchy and sounds more refined than Fergie because there are classical instruments involved and it's sung in an operatic way. And hey, most of the time the singers are hot. But it's garbage! Verdi never would have written crap like Besame Mucho. Well...he might have. He would have written it with his ass cheeks in less than 5 minutes and then wiped his ass with the manuscript after realizing he could do so much better.

And I'm sick of English rock songs being passed off as something more sophisticated just by transcribing it to classical instrumentation and changing the lyrics to Italian. Doesn't work that way. Paul Potts sings "Ognuno Soffre" (or R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts to normal people). My theory is that they change the lyrics to Italian because if singers sang the words in English against a classical backing, they'd be ridiculed for doing a cheesy version of a song. But people are so dumb that if you just change the lyrics to another language, the song now becomes "refined" and "passionate" and "breathtaking".

Finally, film scores. I don't mind them nearly as much because they're a lot closer to classical music than Josh Groban. But again, the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack isn't classical music. It's instrumental music. This is a young person thing. Everyone loves the Pirates soundtrack. Well of course you do. It's not like that boring old Haydn. This has cymbal crashes and shit. It's exciting and brief enough to keep your dull little mind stimulated.

Anyway, I'm getting sick of writing this. There are some notes from a music snob.

9-5

Don't get me wrong, usually I have a lot of fun writing these rants. But this week I just haven't been into it, which is dumb because this just happens to be the week when I've had a flood of ideas. See, I've been covering for a 9-5 guy at work this week and by the time I get home, all I want to do is jack off, take a shit, and go to bed. 9-5 is balls, I tell you!

Seriously, I've done the 9-5 thing before and every time it makes me completely understand why people go postal. Here's why.

-I hate going to bed when I'm not ready for bed. I'm not one of those people who can say, "Damn, I have to wake up at 4:30am. I better be in bed by 9 or 10." I go to bed when I'm tired or too god damned shitfaced to retain consciousness. If I force myself to go to bed, I lie awake until I'm actually tired and fall asleep. The voices in my head are seriously entertaining though.

-I hate waking up to repetitive electronic shrieking saying "Fuuuck...god damn it" over and over and over.

-I hate that it takes me 2 hours to commute to work, driving or taking public transit. Fucking horseshit. Either way, it's 2 hours of my life I'm wasting along with hundreds of other morons. Wow, I just had a brilliant idea. Just now. I'm going to donate my entire paycheque each week to any top-notch scientists who are working on teleportation. If they can get me from my house to my work instantly without all the fucking brake lights or subway transfers, they deserve some funding.

-I hate the fact that I'm actually required to shower and change my clothes every day. Are you serious?! What the fuck is this crap?!

-I hate dealing with bitter co-workers. I guess it's not entirely their fault, I mean, they work 9-5 and probably have been doing so much of their lives. I'm friggin' 23 and I hate everything about 9-5. How do these people feel at 55? I guess I can't blame them. But still. I just wish they were as optimistic about everything as I am.

-I hate being the most awesome person in the office. If any co-workers happen to be reading this, honestly, return to your offices. I don't need people constantly asking for a signed photo and I really have no use for the daily office parades you throw for me. Look, I'm really blown away by the fact that you made a golden chariot for me to ride in while a tall, white stallion pulls me down the hallway to my office. But the seat is a little too lumpy and one ass cheek always rides lower than the other and it feels weird. Like I might be curving my spine inappropriately. I mean, I'm flattered, but with my salary I can't afford a chiropractor.

I guess that's about it for now. I can't wait until next week when I don't have to work 9-5 and I can show up to work piss drunk every day. Unless...

Also, the answer to the title is four. Four...
As in "Four...the love of God, man, get yourself a fucking girlfriend already."



UPDATE: Literally less than a minute after posting this I discovered I beat Listman to a topic. I'm so fucking awesome!

1050 CHUM

Godspeed, old friend.

A few years ago in college I heard some murmurings of 1050 CHUM dropping their oldies format and broadcasting CP24 material. Today I finally received the news that it has. This is bullshit.

The CityPulse stuff officially launched this morning which put an end to the oldies radio station I have known my whole life, aside from a brief stint as a sports-talk station, which was also bullshit.

I tuned in when I read the news to see if it was true and sure enough, it was. I listened for a bit while slowly becoming irate because my internet wasn't fucking working properly. This happens quite frequently at home. My bullshit dial-up internet becomes unresponsive on a regular basis and I can't fucking figure out why. It should go on my list. But it won't. At least not yet. Because nobody wants to read about my internet and I have no desire to write about it.

Back to CP24/CHUM. I ended up super-pissed and this AM station was on and it sounded like a modem because of the reception. What? Oh...silly me. That screeching sound that you used to get when you logged onto the internet in 1997. Back when I wasn't the only asshole in the world with dial-up internet.

Now back to CP24/CHUM. I was pissed, my internet wasn't working, and I was listening to some bitch talking over an annoying screeching sound. And then the breaking point came when I heard some lady say "I'm just on Twitter all the time!" Fuck Shitter and fuck that woman. I flew into a rage and clubbed my radio and my car. And then I calmed down and wondered to myself...why the car?

Honestly, the whole time I was listening it was just technical problem after miscommunication after technical problem. But I'm a nice, reasonable guy (obviously) so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I know how radio works and yes, there will be some problems on the first day.

I'm really just kind of saddened because they switched formats because nobody was listening to the oldies stuff (this is what they say). But who the fuck wants to listen to CityPulse shit on AM radio? I picture skinny conspiracy theorists in their late 30s in their empty apartments where they live alone....no wait. You ever see the movie Pi? That's the guy who listens to CP24 on AM radio. People that are probably really, really smart but mentally disturbed. Those with severe social flaws.

This is just one more station that is no longer paying royalties to ancient rock and roll stars. How the fuck are Gerry and the Pacemakers going to make it through retirement!? Didn't think of that, now did you, 1050?