Black Licorice

My parents were good parents, but clearly they fucked up when it came to teaching me about the delicate subject of licorice. I'm in my mid 20s now and I still desperately want to believe that licorice is supposed to be red, not black, even though I know I'm wrong. My mom probably fed me a little piece of red licorice when I was three years old and ever since that day my head ain't been quite right.

Let's cut to the chase. Black licorice is shit. All black candies are. Licorice, jelly beans, ju-jubes, gum drops, Colgate Total, you all suck. Black is the colour of death and that's precisely what you taste like. Among other things such as ass, taint, nutsack, and anything else in or around the nether-regions.

Plus, have you ever seen someone after they've eaten a black candy? They look like a ghoul! They've got blue-ish black stains on their teeth and little drops of black juice in the corners of their mouth. It's fucking frightening. They always look like they're about to eat my skin with their black-candy-loving Vampiro fangs.

And are you one of those poor black-candy-loathing pricks like I am who has been in the unfortunate situation where you don't know if the candy you're about to eat is dark purple or black? So you man up and eat it? And it turns out to be black? That fucking sucks! And you almost swear off feeding the gumball machine quarters every time you go shopping.

Also, shame on anyone who actually likes those disgusting assorted licorice candies. Or those Hershey "Goodies".

I will see you and your damn black candies in hell.

Holy Jumping FUCK!

I got home about 15 minutes ago after a 15 hour shift. I was sitting quietly in bed with my laptop in front of me playing a Nintendo Family Feud game that I found online. Basically minding my own business. Maybe I was stoned, maybe I wasn't...

Suddenly this bug wih a deep buzz comes a-floating down from above and lands on my head. I just flipped shit and started swatting. I didn't even see it, but I ticked it. I couldn't tell how big it was, but from the buzzing it made, it sounded friggin' big.

It flew away and I don't know where it is and it's not buzzing.

Let me tell you something, giant bug: FUCK YOU! You almost made me crap the bed! You better not come back! You will feel my wrath*!

Oh, and I did your sister last night. So...yeah.



*unless you look threatening

"Air Fresheners"

Jesus. To the wonderful people working hard at Glade and other "scent-oriented" companies, I'm asking you: please knock it off!

I realize that you are exposed to scents all day long so perhaps your sense of smell has grown a little dull, much in the same way that listening to loud music all day would damage your hearing. Perhaps you don't realize that the rest of us still have a fairly sharp sense of smell. Perhaps you don't realize that I, like many others, can't stand to breathe in 500 acres of lilac bushes conveniently compressed into a small, handheld canister.

What I'm trying to say is, YOUR SHIT IS TOO STRONG! I'm here using YOUR shit to cover up the stench of MY shit and afterwards I'm left begging for the smell of MY shit because YOUR shit smells like shit. SHIT!

Whatever happened to "hints of things"? Hint of lilac, hint of seabreeze, hint of apple...
I feel like somebody's loading up a bazooka with a bushel of apples and firing it point blank right at my head.

Oh, and your ads with smiling soccer moms flinging open wide windows isn't helping.

Something smells funny in here and I don't think Glade has a label on it...

Bananas

They're fucking gross, okay?

Bananas, as far as I'm concerned, are the worst food ever. They're horrid in every possible way and they should be outlawed. First of all, they taste and smell very homosexual. If "gay" could be encapsulated into a flavour, it would taste like bananas. From that point, they're just squishy and unappealing. And under the peel lies an off-white speckled turd of a "food". Sorry if I'm not enticed by fruit with the same general appearance and consistency as a huge shit.

Bananas are pure evil and as much as they try to warn us, we (and I mean you) keep eating them. They do, they warn us. You want me to explain that, don't you. Ah...well, I can't turn back now.

First, as I've already mentioned, they're very turd-like. It's supposed to be human nature to have no desire to eat feces. Why is that not the case with something that is very close to feces? I don't know, but the banana tried to warn you and you ignored it, you prick.

Second, they're yellow. What's so wrong with yellow? It's a nice sunny, cheerful colour, isn't it? NO! No it absolutely is not! Yellow is the colour of all things bad. Traffic lights have their yellow WARNING light, referees have their yellow CAUTION card, mosquitos carry their yellow fever, the music industry has Coldplay. If you're dumb enough to ignore the banana's blatant WARNING! colour, well, you deserve the consequences that may arise.

And if all of that isn't enough, perhaps numerology shall show us the way once again. Let's rap:

- Banana starts with B, a hidden 13 (put 1 and 3 together, you get B)
- Banana has 3 "a"s, A being the first letter of the alphabet (1), 1+3, another hidden 13
- Banana has 6 letters. The number of "a"s multiplied by the number of "n"s gives us another 6. When I eat bananas I get sicks. Another 6. Three 6s? 666? It's all too clear, isn't it?
- Banana has 6 letters, the same number of points as the Jewish Star of David. It would take a moron not to see the tie-ins with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the evil plans for world domination. An absolute moron.
- Banana's only letter that isn't repeated is the letter B, the second letter of the alphabet. 2, connected with the Roman goddess of deception, Aphinia, who often mislead others for her own gain with her split personality.

I mean, I could go on all night here. But I think you get my point. If you want to eat Satan's shit, be my guest, but you can't say I didn't advise against it and with damn good proof, if I do say so myself. If you choose not to heed it, I can only say good luck and be safe.


Oh. And slipping on the peels. That's bad too.

*Special thanks to the Spaceman for a little inspiration in this one.

EEEWWWWWW!!!

Dear God, why?! Why?! I really hate how you can't unsee things.

You're probably a little confused. Why is the title an exclamation of disgust? Why do I want to apparently unsee Milo and Otis, such an innocent children's movie? Well, I'm here to tell you, friend.

<<< SPOILER ALERT >>>

Milo and Otis was a family favourite when I was a kid. Dudley Moore's charming narration and British Bob Saget-like animal voices could always coax a smile from my brother and I. Then I grew up and the our video just kind of disappeared and was forgotten about.

A couple weeks ago I read something online that mentioned the movie and I had one of those "OMGZZZ I TOTES FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!!" moment and decided that if I happened to come across it in the video store I'd check it out again for old time's sake. Well, I did see it in the video store and I did rent it.

Today I watched it and was having a nice trip down memory lane. Milo didn't die when he went over the waterfall in a box...Otis rescued his friend from a hole that he was trapped in...and then DEAR SWEET GOD WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! THE CAT JUST SHIT OUT A KITTEN! IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP! WITH INCREDIBLE DETAIL!

I spent the next hour and a half periodically dipping my head into a bucket to expell my lunch of yogurt, Werther's Original, and caffeine tablets. My head was spinning. How could this be? It was like the filmakers wanted to drop an atomic bomb on my friendly, sunny mosey down memory lane. And then crash like 6 trains into it.

This was not in the script. I was supposed to watch this movie without crapping yogurt out my mouth. I couldn't remember ever seeing graphic footage of a cat dumping out the brood. Of all the times I watched Milo and Otis as a kid, I can't remember ever being completely grossed out. Was the scene cut from the copy I had? Have I just become a huge pussy (no pun intended) in my age? Either way, I'm now traumatized.

In closing, use your best discretion when watching Milo and Otis. It gets pretty rough. Apparently you get to see the dog laying egg as well, but I was too busy vomitting and crying like a little girl to notice. Speaking of which, fun fact: yogurt has pretty much the same consistency coming out as it did going in. The more you know.

Lipstick On the Office Mugs

I'm not a germophobe, but GROOOOSSSSS!!! To begin with, my work's dishwasher isn't exactly top of the line. I routinely grab a mug from the cupboard to get a nice, hearty sip of H2O and have often looked inside to see a bunch of crap coating the inside. You know when you finish a mug of hot chocolate and there's like a brown, foamy, coating that's left behind inside the mug? I've often found "clean" mugs in the cupboard with that shit in them, only dried.

So finding a clean mug can be a challenge sometimes. And then there are the times I go to the cupboard, grab a mug, and look inside to see that it is nice and (actually) clean. But there's a big, fat lipstick print on the rim!!!

In a worst-case scenario, like only one mug left in the whole cupboard, I'll tough it out and drink from the side of the mug directly across from the handle. It still kind of gives you the heebie-jeebies though.

To me it's like kissing one of your co-workers with a blindfold on and never knowing which one you kissed. No disrespect to my coworkers, but let's be honest. There are some that I really wouldn't want to kiss. On the other hand there are a few who, if they gave me a peck, I might ask for a little dessert.

But it's really a game of Russian Roulette and in my case I'd say about 6 chambers have bullets in them and 2 are empty. I just can't take the chance. A few of my co-workers are seriously good looking and others are kind of office-hot, but let's just say I'd like to leave the majority to my father.

The lipstick on the office mugs is frankly just a downer. Sort of one of those "If I were eating something right now, my appetite would be history." things. However, I couldn't find ANY mugs tonight so I walked around the office sipping water from a wine glass, swishing it around like I was bursting with sophistication. If I was wearing a tuxedo at the time I probably would have been inspired to quit my job and become a lounge singer.

And if you're wondering why my work is stocked with wine glasses but no mugs, well, we're just loaded all the fucking time.