An Open Letter to Kylie From the PC Commercial

Dear Kylie,

How are you? I am fine. I wish to start by saying that you're a very cute little girl. But your commercial annoys the piss out of me.

You're still very young, only 4 and a half, so I feel it's my duty to inform you of some of the harsh realities and injustices to come in your life in order to prepare you for the utter disappointment you will experience as you come of age.

It saddens me to tell you that even though your parents have likely taught you to never tell any lies, the world we live on is jam-packed full of them. Remember those nice people in two piece suits that gave you juice and cookies when you were filming your commercial? See, they weren't actually being nice to you because they wanted to be your friend, they were doing something called "exploiting you." That means that they wanted to use your age and your cute-as-a-button qualities to sell computers and make money for themselves. Have you wondered why you haven't seen those nice people since you stopped filming? That's just it, Kylie, you were never their friend. Money was more important to them.

You're a child, Kylie, and so I'll bet you can't wait until you're a grownup just like mommy and daddy, huh? Won't that be exciting? Nobody to tell you that it's bedtime or that you have to eat your carrots if you want dessert? Wouldn't it be great to do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, and go to bed whenever you want? I hate to burst your bubble, Kylie, but mommy and daddy have people telling them what to do as well. These people are called the government and you should learn now that despite what they will tell you, they don't have your best interests in mind and they don't care about you.

Do you like orange juice, Kylie? It's tasty, isn't it? And good for you too. Well, imagine if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't make, drink, buy, or sell orange juice any more because it is bad for you, morally wrong, and has no useful purposes in today's world. Suppose after hearing this you went out and bought a bottle of orange juice. Wouldn't you be upset if they found out and sent you to your room for making a personal decision to put something into your own body that they've given you false information about, and even if it was bad for you, wouldn't harm anyone but you, the person who made the choice to put it into yourself in the first place? The government does this every day, Kylie.

They will tell you lies that will determine how you dress, where you can go, what you can do, and what you can put into your own body. They will deny you rights for no good reason. Remember the camera you used to take a picture of your fish Dorothy? What if mommy and daddy told you that you couldn't use that camera any more because of a tiny, tiny chance that Tommy, the mean boy from down your street, will come over to your house, plug the camera into the wall and drop it in Dorothy's tank, killing her? What if they told you that you couldn't ride your bike, watch Dora, or jump rope because Tommy might hurt you when you did these things? What if Tommy then moved away, but they wouldn't give your favourite playtime activities back? Worse yet, what if your parents dropped the camera into Dorothy's tank and blamed it on Tommy just so they could take away some of your basic playtime activities? Never trade your liberties for the illusion of security, Kylie.

As you grow up you'll hopefully realize that the big beautiful world you know now is full of lies. Lies from television and newspapers telling you what to think and how to feel. Maybe Tommy's not really that bad of a kid. Maybe his parents are telling him that you, Kylie, are evil and that's why he wants to hurt you. I think maybe if you both stopped listening to the lies that your parents are telling you and actually talked to each other, you'd discover that you have a lot in common and there is no need to kill each other. And yes, you or your peers will be told lies to get you to kill other people.

Anyway, Kylie, I've spoken at great length here and although I'm not even close to finished, I must be going. I just want to prepare you. Do not let smiling people in suits exploit you and don't trust anyone. I was once a chipper little kid like you and then I grew up and discovered the true workings of the world. Now I'm a cold, skeptical, pessimisstic asshole (pardon my language, Kylie).

Enjoy your childhood while you can before you're old enough for them to really start telling you what to do. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, Kylie.

Best wishes,

-Get the Fuck Outta My Office

EEEWWWWWW!!!

Dear God, why?! Why?! I really hate how you can't unsee things.

You're probably a little confused. Why is the title an exclamation of disgust? Why do I want to apparently unsee Milo and Otis, such an innocent children's movie? Well, I'm here to tell you, friend.

<<< SPOILER ALERT >>>

Milo and Otis was a family favourite when I was a kid. Dudley Moore's charming narration and British Bob Saget-like animal voices could always coax a smile from my brother and I. Then I grew up and the our video just kind of disappeared and was forgotten about.

A couple weeks ago I read something online that mentioned the movie and I had one of those "OMGZZZ I TOTES FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!!" moment and decided that if I happened to come across it in the video store I'd check it out again for old time's sake. Well, I did see it in the video store and I did rent it.

Today I watched it and was having a nice trip down memory lane. Milo didn't die when he went over the waterfall in a box...Otis rescued his friend from a hole that he was trapped in...and then DEAR SWEET GOD WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! THE CAT JUST SHIT OUT A KITTEN! IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP! WITH INCREDIBLE DETAIL!

I spent the next hour and a half periodically dipping my head into a bucket to expell my lunch of yogurt, Werther's Original, and caffeine tablets. My head was spinning. How could this be? It was like the filmakers wanted to drop an atomic bomb on my friendly, sunny mosey down memory lane. And then crash like 6 trains into it.

This was not in the script. I was supposed to watch this movie without crapping yogurt out my mouth. I couldn't remember ever seeing graphic footage of a cat dumping out the brood. Of all the times I watched Milo and Otis as a kid, I can't remember ever being completely grossed out. Was the scene cut from the copy I had? Have I just become a huge pussy (no pun intended) in my age? Either way, I'm now traumatized.

In closing, use your best discretion when watching Milo and Otis. It gets pretty rough. Apparently you get to see the dog laying egg as well, but I was too busy vomitting and crying like a little girl to notice. Speaking of which, fun fact: yogurt has pretty much the same consistency coming out as it did going in. The more you know.

Cookie Crisp

Whoa, whoa, hold on. Don't get all up in arms yet. Let me clear something up. I don't hate Cookie Crisp. I hate the fact that I'm 23 years old and not once in my life have I tasted what I would imagine is probably the absolute greatest fucking cereal of all time.

I mean, come on. Fucking cookies! For breakfast! How can that not be every kid's dream? The first time I saw a commercial for Cookie Crisp as a child my head almost exploded. I remember it well. I was watching Ninja Turtles and during a break a cartoon cop and robber came onto the screen. There were tiny cookies. There was milk. So far so good. And then..."part of this complete breakfast!"

I shouted, "HOLY SHIT!!!" at the top of my lungs and then quickly realized what I had done. My father came into the room and promptly defenestrated me for cursing. I'd like to say it was totally worth it, but it really wasn't since I still haven't had Cookie Crisp.

Not only would my parents probably never in a million years have bought it for me, to this day I have not seen one box of it on any shelf of any store I've ever been in. I'm actually starting to think it doesn't even exist and General Mills is just fucking with kids and having a good belly laugh over the whole thing. If there is anyone reading this who has actually obtained this elusive cereal and tasted it's sweet, sweet cookie goodness, please feel free to tell me all about it and be as detailed as possible!

Holy crap, I want this cereal so badly. So, so badly.

These Fucking Talent Agent Commercials

Every few weeks Q107 plays a commercial advertising a different childrens' talent agent who will be in town to make her "next big discovery". It's always the same commercial, just with a different agent's name. Fuck you.

I really wish I had a sample of one of these commercials, but I don't. The never fail to piss me off though. It's always a bubbly announcer asking me if my child keeps bugging me to be on TV or in movies and telling me I should phone for an audition time. Every time the agent's credits include some bullshit Disney show/movie like High School Musical.

It honestly pains me a little bit to say it because I grew up with the Jungle Book and the Rescuers, but fuck Disney. Have you seen some of the low-brow diarrhea they're churning out these days? It's turning children into unenlightened robots. I'm sick of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. It's shit. I can't watch childrens' programming for more than 2 minutes these days without getting irate. I find myself wondering, "Did I watch stuff like this when I was a kid? Was I being brainwashed on such a massive scale?" Thank god my parents didn't let me have everything I saw on TV at the age when my mind was most vulnerable. I probably would have been a selfish, bitter little shit...

I'm getting way off topic. I think the real reason I hate these talent agent commercials is because I feel bad that innocent, vulnerable children have been conditioned to think that fame and acting and money are important. They think Miley Cyrus should be idolized. They think if they can get a part in a Disney production their lives will be complete. Keeping in mind that I'm not a child and this is just speculation. I feel really bad that children are being lied to and taken advantage of and, I'll say it again, conditioned.

Parents, discipline your kids and stop treating them little princes and princesses. Making a choice that causes your child to cry is not the end of the world. It's good for them. It teaches them that they can't have everything they want and prepares them for "the real world". If you give in to their every demand all you're doing is telling them that they're in charge and you're setting them up for some huge disappointments further down the line.

Getting to Disney shouldn't be the goal here. The idea that someone's big goal in life is to be part of a corporation upsets me. And I'm going to stop now because this update is going nowhere and it's god damn written like crap. Sorry.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

This game easily deserves the title of being both the best and the worst game ever made. I defy you to find one parent on the entire planet who truly thinks Hungry Hungry Hippos is a good idea for a game. I highly doubt anyone's ever said, "Daddy's got a splitting headache. You kids get out the Hungry Hungry Hippos and let him rest."

It has to be hands-down the noisiest game ever invented. You can't play it quietly. It's impossible. Man, you talk about great game soundtracks, from start to finish the game is nothing but CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK! That and children giggling loudly (and maybe even the odd internet ranter).

It's like the creators deliberately set out to piss off as many parents as they could. "Ve're going to create a monster today, people. Ve need to come up vis a children's game so noisy and annoying zat every parent vill vish for early death....zat is until ve create a line of furry toy robots zat von't shut up! Zen zee parents vill BEG for zee Hippos! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Besides being incredibly loud, Hungry Hungry Hippos takes absolutely no skill whatsoever to play and win. You just smack a hippo's ass repeatedly and hope for the best. You can't really be good at it. It's all luck. Really, the only way you can be at a disadvantage is if you have no limbs.

My last gripe with Hungry Hungry Hippos is the marbles. For one, they always seem to slowly disappear until you realize that the reason that none your games have lasted longer than 3 seconds is because you're only playing with 2 marbles. Those bastards are hard to replace too. You can't use regular glass marbles because they're too big. I mean, come on, it's a hippo for Christ's sake. One of the largest mouths in the animal kingdom. You should be able to fit a Hyundai in there. But these pansies can't even swallow a marble.

And even after all that, still, Hungry Hungry Hippos: Best Fucking Game Ever.

Daniel Cook

Daniel Cook makes me nervous. I'm kind of glad I've never met him in person and I'll explain why:

THE WELL-BEING OF MY BALLS.

If you don't know who Daniel Cook is, he's this red-headed kid who's on TV from time to time. Possibly on PBS, I don't know. His show is called "This is Daniel Cook" and it's just one of those shows that I always seem to stumble upon for no particular reason. But the whole premise is that Daniel Cook experiences or learns something (making pizza, exercising, going to the dentist) in approximately 6 minutes or less.

Anyway, back to my balls and why Daniel Cook makes me nervous. Don't worry, it's not as bad as that sounded. Let me direct you to this clip here:

Will you look at how this kid behaves? I've been around kids like this and they scare the shit out of me. The kids with poor coordination. The kids that are always absent-mindedly jumping around and clumsily bumping into everything. Because it makes me feel like one way or another I'm going to take a shot in the balls if I hang around them for too long.

Daniel Cook is someone who seems like
a) he will run up to me, punch me square in the balls, and run away laughing loudly. He seems like that kind of kid. You know kids like this? The ones that think it's funny to biff people in the nads for no reason other than their own amusement? And they're so remorseless. These instances always end with a grown man crying and the kid cackling loudly like the little shit that he is.

b) he will accidentally hit me in the balls. Okay, so maybe Daniel Cook is not the type to purposely hit everyone he sees in the balls. That doesn't mean my balls are safe. Maybe I've watched too many episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos but I have this constant fear of approaching children while their backs are turned to me. I've seen way too many children dancing around and suddenly the left elbow flies wildly out and the poor sap standing behind the child ends up in the fetal position wishing for sweet, sweet death. Daniel Cook, to me, seems like the type of kid that dishes out accidental nut shots a little too regularly.

Now that's my balls. My other problem with Daniel Cook is...who is he and who the hell thought he deserved a TV show? Again, back to my traffic light argument. I can't seem to find any background info on Daniel Cook. So until I see something to change my mind, I don't know why he has any right to his own TV show. He doesn't seem to have done anything to earn it. The show is called "This is Daniel Cook" as if he was already a household name and we're supposed to know who he is.

I don't understand. Why Daniel Cook? There are tons of better kids out there to host shows. Kids that can put some enthusiasm into the reading of their title slides. Kids who aren't hyper as fuck in one shot and then bored to tears the next. Kids who aren't constantly glancing around the room as they talk to whichever adult "teacher" is on the show. Seriously, watch a few episodes of Daniel Cook and you'll see what I mean. He clearly recites a question written for him and then as it's being answered he pays attention to everything in the room except the speaker. You'd think by the age of 8 the little bastard would develop some basic interviewing skills. I mean, come on, what else would he be doing all day?

I don't think I have any other problems with Daniel Cook, just that he's too clumsy and uncoordinated and I'd fear for my balls if I were ever around him. But those things alone are enough to get Daniel Cook onto my list.

Consensual Living

Holy jumpin' shitballs, I want to puke.

Consensual living has been a hot topic in Toronto today. I was not aware of it until today and a part of me wishes I could go back in time one day and warn myself, "For the love of God, man, do not absorb the media in any way tomorrow. I won't tell you why, but it's for your own good."

Now, if you don't know, consensual living is a really, really dumb parenting technique that focuses on negotiating with your child instead of setting rules. Here's an example from a Globe and Mail article from today:

Recently, the principles of consensual living have helped her cope with her son's hitting stage, she says.

When Kiernen strikes another child, Ms. Keller asks him what he's feeling and whether he'd like to express his anger or frustration in another way, such as using words or hitting a pillow.

She tells him it's not okay to hit others, but she and her husband, Josh, do not force Kiernen to say he's sorry. "If he's going to apologize, we want it to be authentic," Ms. Keller says.

Are you getting this? Jesus, grow up and learn some responsible parenting, you hippie. These fucking parents' judgements are so clouded over. For some reason they think the best approach to raising their precious little snowflakes* is to be their friend and their equal. Bullocks! You are a parent. It is your job to have authority over your children and set guidelines that must be followed in order for them to grow up with a sense of reality and to be decent people.

Wait until these kids actually grow up and have to face the real world. The world where rules exist and there are things that won't be negotiable. Where everything is not handed to them just because they want it. If you keep pampering them like this, they're going to have a hard time later in life. Discipline your kids. When they grow up and move out, then they can make the rules.

This is just so ridiculous they way parents get pansier with each generation. Back in the day if you did something wrong your father took off his belt and gave you a few good whoops. Back in the day parents spanked their children. Then we started becoming complete pussies and decided it was cruel and spanking went bye-bye. We started punishing kids with "time out." That oughta teach 'em. Make them stand in the corner for 10 minutes.

Wait a second. No...time out is a bad thing. The child isn't getting the attention they need and it might cause them to rebel. Let's not punish the child. Let's talk to the child about their feelings and get them to open up to us. That's surely the best and most healthy thing to do in our parent-child relationship. After all we're equals. Let's compromise without being too forceful. Being forceful is not good for the child's behaviour and could damage the bond we share.

Bull-shit, I say. When I acted out as a child, my father would pick me up and heave me head-first right through my second-story bedroom window. As I picked the shards of glass from my face I would say to myself, "Christ, I ain't doing that shit any more." And of course the old man would hear me and give me a few jabs to the teeth for swearing.

There was a bit of pain and a few broken windows in my childhood. But you know...I never committed the same crime twice.

*Thank you, Mike Stafford.

Children in Toronto Who Plan to Spend Their March Break Playing Video Games

Parents, unplug those 360s and send your little terrors out into the yard to play! It's going to be a great next few days weather-wise and any kid who thinks it's a good idea to piss away their March Break playing Xbox is, let's face it, a fucking tool.

First of all, some children are too young to be playing video games. If they start playing too early they become desensitized to violence. Then when they become serial killers later in life, they don't appreciate the feeling of ecstasy that runs through you when you take another man's life. If video games are making people violent, that's fine. But I'd hate to think that somewhere a child is murdering someone and not feeling good about it because he played too much Counter-Strike.

Hell, I had to wait till I was 10 or 11 years old before I got my first video game system and Sonic the Hedgehog stole my soul. I'm pretty sure there are babies being born today with Wiis under their arms whose first words are, "Damn it, bitch! Nine fucking months with no TV to hook this shit up to?!?! You gotta be trippin'. Get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get Wii Fit!"

Children don't appreciate good weather enough. Probably because their whole life is a playground. Children don't have to deal with rear ending someone because of ice and having to go through all the stupid pointless crap that we adults have attached to it. The only thing children have to worry about is colouring pictures and crashing into breakable things. Weather is weather to them.

We need to sit these 5-year-olds down and decree, "No Nintendo! You get your ass outside and have fun! This is great weather and I order you to enjoy it! When I was your age it was always cold and I worked in a dirty factory 16 hours day before coming home to my dinner of hard-tack and hose water. Now stop fucking crying, go outside, and HAVE YOUR PANSY ASS SOME FUN!!!"

Or else...