Haiku

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

Finally getting caught up with The Office...

...after weeks of watching religiously and despite being WAY behind the times, coming in to work at 9am after a 2 hour commute, busting ass all day, staying late, kicking back with Season 5 Episode 1 where Jim finally proposes to Pam and then searching out Episode 2 only to find out it's been removed due to COCKSUCKING VIOLATION OF TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! FUCK!

Assholes on Their Cell Phones at the Checkout Counter

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, IDIOT! MOVE IT! YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCK!

I see this from time to time and it truly does piss me off. I saw one today as a matter of fact. These morons chatting on their cell phones while waiting in line and continuing to do so while paying. How fucking impolite can you be?

These self-absorbed fucks don't even have the common decency to pull themselves away from their MEANINGLESS FUCKING CONVERSATIONS to greet the cashier and get out of there in a timely fashion like an NORMAL FUCKING PERSON! Gaaaah!

Let me clue you into something that apparently you're unaware of. The cashier you're completely ignoring....he's a person. Not a change machine. He has feelings too and he probably doesn't appreciate you treating him like a lesser person so you can continue to gab to your fat girlfriends about the pedicure you just got.

Perhaps you haven't been well versed in how these situations work. Let me help you out.

Step 1 - Grow a clue. (quite possibly the most important step)
Step 2 - Tell whoever you're yakking to that you choose to develop of reputation of "not a complete asshole" and you'll have to put the phone down for 20 seconds.
Step 3 - Smile.
Step 4 - Greet cashier.
Step 5 - Pay.
Step 6 - Move the fuck out of the way so others can pay.

It's that simple. Surely you're able to get a grasp on that. If you can't, I'm stunned that you have the mental capacity to buy a shitty cell phone in the first place.

For fuck's sake, stop being so self-centred, stop being so loud and obnoxious and nasally, and put down the phone for 20 god damned seconds. Thank you.

Those Damned Bees That Hover Around You!

Please, bee, please! Go the fuck away! I don't have anything for you! These aren't the droids you're looking for! Fuck off!

These bees have to be near the top of my "Raw Hatred" list that I have saved on my computer. Every so often I'll print out a copy and torch it or throw darts at it or grenade it just to blow off steam. No matter how many times I destroy it, nothing on the list seems to go away. Especially hovering bees.

All they do is dart around you like you're a flower or something. The won't get out of my face and when they get near the crotch that's when I start sweating. One wrong move and I'll have a cock the size of my forearm. Which, on second thought, might not be all that bad.

I'd love to know what the bee is thinking as it's being such an asshole. It has to be one of two things:

1) "Dum de dum de dooooo....doo doo dee dee dooooo....dee dee dum de dooo..."
2) (snicker, snicker, snicker) "You're pissed off, aren't ya? I'm just gonna go ahead and keep buzzing around your face for a few more minutes as you go batshit crazy. (snicker, snicker) Damn, it's good to be a bee. I could do this all day and there's nothing you can do about it. Swing at me, pussy, just try it. I'll getcha! (snicker, snicker) Naaah, I'll leave you alone for now. I'm outs to pick up some fine-ass bee bitches, son! Peace!"

Even though it's most likely #1, deep down I wish it would be #2. Just because it would be awesome if bees were actually badass like that and had bee bitches. I'll bet bee bitches are super easy and suck a mean stinger.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah...fuck off, bees!

Sean Jones and Saul Korman

I realize I've been lacking in the updates lately so it's another double shot day! My second piece about fat people is below this one.

Anyway, I felt the need to write about the two most annoying commercial voices we continuously got making appearances in Toronto. Somebody needs to get these people off the radio. Like immediately.

Sean Jones

If you don't know this guy by name, he's the annoying Spence Diamonds guy. The first thing he needs to do is take the enthusiasm knob that he's got cranked to 11 and dial it back a few points. I've heard his commercials. I get it. He's got jewellry at good prices. Stop reading ever sentence like it's the most mind-blowing news ever. Until Sean Jones came along I didn't believe overarticulation was a problem on radio.

And what's with the random sound effects? It's like he realized that his voice alone probably wasn't going to get his full potential clientele into his store but he was completely out of creative energy. "Fuck...I don't know...(whewwwww)...let's just, for no particular reason, add in sound effects that only children and morons would find funny."

I swear if I hear "WAAAOOOWW!!" one more time I'm going to start ramming other vehicles on the road. There has never been a more out of place sound effect in any other commercial ever. It's a damn jewellry store, not a Bud Light commercial. Even in a beer commercial that sound effect would be puke-inducing. Get the fuck off my radio.

Saul Korman

To illustrate my point with the man from Korry's Clothiers, I thoughtit would be appropriate to write a Korry's ad in mad lib form:

"Saaauul Korman here for Korry's Clothiers, 569 Danforth. Let me tell you we've got _________(adjective) suits from _______(plug), _______(plug), and ________(plug). And I know this because last week ____________________________________________ (boring story about his partners in the biz). And also, _________________(plug). So when you come to Korry's don't forget to check out _______________(plug). And I almost forgot, _____________(plug). Just wanted to say, ______________(irrelevant crap that applies to only to three people who probably aren't even fucking listening anyway). And before I go I need to mention __________(plug). Korry's, in the ______(body part) of Greektown, at 569 Danforth."


Saul Korman seems like a guy who has too much money and his guilty pleasure is to spend it on meaningless crap just for kicks. His commercials make me imagine a guy sitting around a big table with all of his business associates drinking scotches. It's been a good night, Saul's getting a littly jolly, and he tells everyone to shut up for s second and listen.

"As you all know, I've got a great deal of money. I've been running over this idea in my head for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to buy airtime on the radio. I'll say some stuff, but mostly I'M GOING TO MENTION ALL OF YOU GUYS!! IN EVERY FUCKING DAILY AD! NO WAY, I KNOW!

Ahem...now obviously I want to get word out about my store and all that crap....but mainly....I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR NAMES! ON THE RADIO! WE CAN ALL LISTEN AND REACT ACCORDINGLY WHEN WE HEAR THEM!

Ahem....now obviously we don't want normal listeners to think we're just a bunch of jerks with egos so we'll say some good crap about the store...I guess...but OH MAN! HOW WICKED WOULD IT BE IF I JUST PLUGGED YOUR GUYS' SHIT?! THIS IS FOR US, FELLAS! WE ARE ALL SUCH GREAT FRIENDS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY! I SHALL BUY A ROLLER COASTER!"

On the bright side, at least he's not so much of an asshole that he refers to himself as "Korry" in his spots. Either way, get the fuck off my radio.

Anti-Smoking

That's my smokers' rights prediction for 10 years from now. Am I the only one who finds it absolutely absurd what they're doing to smokers? We've become such a pussy society. We've gone from advertising cigarettes on the Flintstones, of all places, and promoting the sale of candy cigarettes for kids to sticking people into a small box marked off on the pavement and people bitching incessantly when the tiniest wisp of smoke crosses in front of them.

Now you can't smoke in the car with kids, anywhere near a building exit, in parks, on beaches, in bars, on patios, in your own apartment (in some places), and now they're trying to ban American troops from smoking. I mean, isn't my prediction pretty realistic when you think about it. If these "smoke free" people get their way, you won't even be able to drive that 6 hours into the desert for a smoke because some sand beetle might get a whiff of second-hand smoke.

Anyway, this post was mainly supposed to be about this plan to get the troops smoke-free. Here is what I think: get bent. The audacity of these Pentagon pricks. Are they completely insane?

"I've got an idea. Let's manufacture a war and then send a whole shitload of troops over to die in it for no good reason. Let's give these faceless peons guns and shove them into a scenario that comes with a whole array of physical and psychological traumas. Let's really push them to the edge and test their stamina. And then just to fuck with them, let's take away the one thing that keeps them sane at the end of the day. Bloody brilliant! And to think, this probably wouldn't even have occurred to us if we weren't so insecure about our incredibly tiny penises!"

Fucking let the troops smoke, man! It makes no sense! What are you worried about here? The health of soldiers? Moron, their in a fucking war. With bullets and bombs and shit. A few cigarettes ain't going to do much harm in comparison. The cost to the country? Sit down, I've got a stunning idea for you to consider. Lend an ear and listen closely: if you're concerned about war costs.....END THE DAMN WAR! Kind of becomes a non-issue, doesn't it? The war is pointless, just end it. I've had enough of the lies.

Bottom line, though, man up. Quit making smokers feel like bad people because you think a breath of second-hand will kill you instantly. The rules are too strict as they are. They don't need to be any worse. So either man up or stop wearing that disgusting cologne shit around the office every day.

Sarah Palin Running for President

I know it's not breaking news that Sarah Palin could run for prez in 2012, but since the whole governor resignation thing made it's way into the news, I've heard more talk about it than usual. I will say this: it scares the crap out of me.

Man, we (and by we, I mean "they") dodged a bullet there in November. Even being vice-president of the guy that lost was way, way too close for me. If McCain won and then died, they'd be fucked. Absolutely fucked. And then the rest of the world would be fucked.

This talk that Palin could head straight for the big-time doesn't sit too well with me. Imagine if Dubya fell off a cliff and survived, but suffered massive head trauma and spent 8 weeks in a coma. Upon awakening he'd lost half of the few brain cells he had previously. He then proceeded to submerge his nude self in a vat of LSD for exactly one year. After emerging, he was clubbed in the head repeatedly by mafia members and spent another 6 months in coma. When he woke up the nurse gave him two good slaps across the face and shoved him into the Oval Office and told him to go to work. Imagine that guy running the United States of America. Now imagine if that guy were a woman. Presto! Sarah Palin!

Don't take this the wrong way, I have nothing against female presidents, but Palin is in a league of her own. If she got into office, I'll bet you people around the globe would BEG for George W. again. Palin would turn America into one giant Mormon. America would become one big cesspool of anti-everything. Anti-sex, anti-abortion, anti-smoking, anti-atheist, anti-fucking everything.

And politics aside, if Palin, by some miracle, got elected as president, I'd be off to the caves from Day 1 to spend the following 4 years in isolation. Although I don't agree with a lot of what he's doing in office, thank God Obama is not downright annoying to watch and listen to. At least he looks good and speaks well. If I had to put up with four years of Palin's "folksy" attitude and irritating voice, I'd flat out off myself.

Sarah, I appreciate your enthusiasm and drive and whatnot, but please, please keep it at home and away from an entire nation of people. We're all fucked, but we could, at the very least, prolong the inevitable hitting of rock bottom.

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Lil Jon

This is actually kind of a touchy subject for me because I was taught that one of the worst things you could do is make fun of mentally challenged people. I have to say, though, that Lil Jon completely astounds me.

First I'd like to share a piece of information about Lil Jon that may surprise you, as it has surprised me after recently learning it. Folks, Lil Jon is...thirty eight years old. I'll repeat. THIRTY EIGHT YEARS OLD!

We have serious problems with society here, guys. On the one hand we have 12 year old girls dressing like prostitutes. On the other we have Lil Jon and guys in emo bands acting like 14 year olds. What the hell is going on?! I'm going to give these people a piece of advice that my dad told me numerous times as a young'un: ACT YOUR AGE.

And really, hasn't anyone besides me had the notion that we could probably save the economy if Lil Jon just turned in all his bling? I'm starting to think Fort Knox is just a big sham. Lil Jon's got all the country's gold and you know it. It's just a shame he has to use it all to make dumbass impractical necklaces with huge absurd phrases on them. And goblets? Who the hell needs a goblet?

Other than that, all he does is grin maniacally and scream 1-3 word phrases. My uncle Bert did the same thing and we had to put him under 24 hour watch. People like that are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. This is not "Fuck da po-lice!" we're talking about here. It's screaming words that have no context whatsoever. "WHAT?!"

If this guy weren't famous, I'm quite certain he'd be the scraggly-haired guy pushing a shopping cart down the sidewalk laughing to himself for no reason. And I'd be the guy trying to avoid his gaze.

Pre-Movie Crapola

Damn it, I remember (vaguely, mind you) when going to see a movie meant going to see a movie. But today you don't just go to the theatre to see a movie, you go to plant your ass down and take in roughly 10-11 hours of Coca Cola and Levis ads. Once you're through that, you can give youself a pat on the back and rest easy knowing that you've finally made it. Made it all the way to the elaborate and expensive looking "Coming Attractions" intro. At this point you're thinking, "Christ Almighty, do I still have my ticket stub on me? I'm going for a smoke."

Like, what the fuck is going on? The coming attractions I can understand because you're in a movie theatre and it makes sense to advertise upcoming movies in a movie theatre. That doesn't mean I enjoy watching them, it just means I see where they're coming from.

Back in the day I remember the coming attractions portion being quite tolerable and I'd imagine that has to be true because I would have been a kid and very antsy. If my squirmy little 10 year old ass could sit through the previews without getting up and tearing through the theatre throwing poporn everywhere, they couldn't have been too bad.

But then the coming attractions segment got super long. I was older and more patient, but even then I remember thinking, "This is...kind of ridiculous." And a few times I even forgot what movie I had come to see for a second or two. But length aside, it was still "Coming Attractions" so it was somehow acceptable.

Then the day came when (gasp!) a Coke ad was played before the coming attractions. Imagine! A TV advertisment in a movie theatre! How devilishly scandalous! It was only a minute long though so it's brevity made this risquee move relatively harmless.

And here we are today when we actually have to sit through an endless stream of advertisements that are completely unrelated to movies or movie theatres. Those boring-ass Telus ads with the animals on a white background are bad enough on TV. I have no desire to see them on the big screen with surround sound. Seriously, this is not one 60-second ad we're talking about here. It's not something that you can laugh off and say "Whatever" to. I mean, you could walk three towns over for a glass of beer and return before this shit is over and they still have the audacity to show a bunch of trailers for shitty romantic comedies.

I go to the theatre like once a year and I'm still fed up with this crap. I think I've discovered why I have trouble sitting through movies. By the time the movie starts I need to walk around and stretch my legs. It's absurd.

Rod Blagojevich

Can this guy just fuck off and find a hobby already? In case you're unaware, Blagojevich was governor of Illinois until he was kicked the fuck out at the beginning of the year for being such an assclown. No wait, for being a corrupt politician, or as I like to call them..."politicians." Ever since he got his just desserts he's been popping up periodically on the news in what seems to be a desperate stab for attention.

I just saw him on the news performing in a Second City musical called "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". He was standing on a chair singing. I think Rod's officially lost it. Next thing you know, we'll be seeing him auditioning for American Idol or announcing his new clothing line. He just seems like he's given up.

Aside from his occasionally televised "pity coverage', I just can't stand the way he looks. He looks like the result of Spencer Rice having sex with a lab rat. He grew up, entered politics, got a really terrible haircut, and started whining incessantly.

Christ, I saw enough of this guy during the whole impeachment process in January. After he was kicked out I was relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to look at his dumbass hair and tiny eyes every day. But he keeps coming back! He won't stay in Hell!

Blago, go away. At least when your look-alike Spencer Rice whines about everything it's funny. You're just damned irritating.

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

The Dickhead From the Weekender Commercial

Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.



The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.

The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.

I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.

I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.

Charities Closing Major Highways

I drive a vehicle so automtically I'm a self-centred asshole in some people's minds. But I'm about to become an even bigger asshole because today I'm ranting about major highways being closed so that some charity can throw an event to raise money for themselves.

This weekend it's the Heart and Stroke Foundation closing down the DVP and Gardiner so they can ride their little bicycles and roller blades. Sorry to be a heartless bastard and stroke my own ego, but get the fuck off the highways! Go to Fergus or something, I don't care. The only time I really have any need for the Heart and Stroke Foundation is when my blood pressure goes through the roof as a result of them closing the fucking highways! I don't think they realize that they're pissing off a lot of asshole motorists such as myself.

My drive in to work takes long enough as it is. I don't need detours that slow the traffic to a near stop. I don't like taking alternate routes through the city because all the pissed off people take the same routes. Drving through town is slow enough as it is. Add a bunch of people that would normally be on the highway and you've got yourself one hell of a nightmare, my friend. And Christ, traffic lights every 5 feet?

I think the real reason this concerns me so much is because when I think of thousands of cyclists riding down two of Toronto's major highways, I'm thinking HUGE FUCKING BIKER GANG! I've told you before that a pack of 8 or 10 bikers makes me nervous, but here we've got a gang of bloody thousands! They're liable to burn down the whole city and crucify us all!

No good can come from bikers closing down the highway. And that's why next time I'm going to rent a dump truck, set the cruise control, and "shut down their little event", knowwhaddamean?

Neil Peart's Consistently Vacant Expression

If you've ever watched Rush play live you've probably noticed that Neil Peart has one facial expression and only one. It's kind of this constipated grimace. He always seems to look like he's thinking, "God damn it, not another tour. This shit isn't even fun anymore." It's like he's mentally rolling his eyes at the whole situation.

I've decided that Neil Peart either:

a) is a government robot and that's why he's so good (likeliest scenario).
b) had a hardened authoritarian father who locked him in a dim cellar and made him practice the drums at least 9 or 10 hours a day. Neil was fed cabbage, processed meat (which actually contained almost no meat at all), and hose water twice daily and would be given a thorough lashing if he complained about blisters.

It can't be anything else.

Peart actally reminds me of a wise and solemn shaman with his headbands and stiff, wrinkly face. He seems like he's probably seen some shit. Maybe drumming produces some sort of visionary experience for him. Who knows?

I just don't like musicians that seem like they take their work way too seriously. Eric Clapton's been guilty of this as well. I'm not saying I have a problem with their music, in fact a lot of it's good. I just get annoyed with their attitudes. Music's supposed to be fun. Good times. They just need to crack a smile once in a while and not look like their talents are the result of childhood abuse.

CNN's Richard Quest

Sorry, I don't have the internet capabilities (dial up) or patience to give you a video clip of this guy. But you're a big boy or girl. You can search "Richard Quest" on Youtube. It's not that hard. And if you don't have the time to do that, why are you even reading this?

Richard Quest. This guy makes me laugh and makes me cringe at the same time. He's a CNN reporter who, I swear, is Family Guy's British person's stereotype come to life. He's got huge teeth. He's really fucking loud.

Really, this guy's like a real-life caricature. I don't know how else to explain it. He makes me laugh because of his loud but sincere British way of speaking. Not to insult British people, but he's got a really unique style. He makes me cringe because he seems like just that: a caricature who insults intelligent British people. I mean, Mr. Bean knew what was going on. Mr. Bean probably could have made world peace in 5 minutes without even knowing it. How? Because Mr. Bean is fucking awesome.

What the hell am I talking about? Oh yeah, Richard Quest. Can we make this guy a Colbert or Daly feature? As of right now, I just can't take him seriously on CNN.

Tomorrow's update: Yesterday was my 100th rant, and I still couldn't write worth a fuck!

Beggin' Strips Commercials

Ladies and gentlemen, this dog does not need bacon. He obviously needs rehab. Clearly we should not be feeding our pets this much cocaine. If Rover wants to have a little toot at a party, so be it, but I get the feeling he's sniffing up several eightballs a day.

So the dog gets all jacked up and tears through the house and the family is completely indifferent to the havoc he wreaks. If my dog jumped on my nads while I was sleeping he'd have a one-way ticket to the farm coming his way. Even his obnoxious inner monologue is high. It sounds like Gilbert Gottfried in a speed-talking competition and that's something I could do without.

And then we've got the baby-talking mom with the big smile on her face. Her mushy-cushy atttude towards the dog's spazzy behaviour just annoys me. Instead of pampering him and giving him a fix she should be telling him to calm the fuck down and then phoning an obedience school. The dog has problems.

Another thing that irritates me: the dog jummps onto the stove in both commercials? How irresponsible of the family. What if the stove had been turned on and in Rover's coke-fuelled craze, he scorched his ass? Well...I guess that would be learning the hard way not to act like a jackass in the house.

And another thing: the most pressing issue in this perky family's world is that bacon's popular? It was on the news so it must be true. I actually kind of want to live in that family's world. Apparently they're not fighting a war or freaking out over swine flu. Awesome!

So what have we learned? Dogs and blow don't mix.

Sean Kingston

Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make my blood boil. Every time I hear his shitty re-written versions of good songs I feel the urge to coat the room in vomit. This guy is the epitome of uncreative, over-worshiped, talentless hacks.

Can I start with the fact that he sounds like a friggin' robot in all of his songs? Buddy, lay off the autotune and pick up some autotalent. I'd rather have that dickhead Tim Geithner come to my house every night for a month and read me economics textbooks before bed than listen to 4 minutes of this garbled, computerized horseshit.

You know what would make Sean Kingston's music more enjoyable? If Sean Kingston was not involved. That wouldn't make it enjoyable though, just more enjoyable. The only way I'd find his music completely enjoyable is if I were in a coma.

I really hate the fact that this guy probably pulls into the McDonalds drive-thru every single day of the week and every day in a different Porsche and he can do that just by taking a giant shit on the music industry. I can't understand why people like this guy. His music is completely devoid of any real substance or soul. I imagine his typical recording session as him stepping out of a limo filled with women, being handed a lyric sheet, singing one take, and then arguing with the producer about cutting into his autograph signing time. The session lasts less than 10 minutes and a few months down the road Kingston hears his song on the radio, turns to a friend, and asks who it is, "it's pretty catchy."

I really want Ben E. King to march up to Sean Kingston in silence, look him up and down, take a big drag from a cigarette, blow it in Kingston's face, and then say, "You ruined my fucking song. Of all the versions of Stand By Me, yours is the one the finally broke my soul and made me weep. Music is dead. Get the fuck out of my way."

All I ask right now is that Sean Kingston issue a public apology for being a talentless asshole who releases shitty music.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

This game easily deserves the title of being both the best and the worst game ever made. I defy you to find one parent on the entire planet who truly thinks Hungry Hungry Hippos is a good idea for a game. I highly doubt anyone's ever said, "Daddy's got a splitting headache. You kids get out the Hungry Hungry Hippos and let him rest."

It has to be hands-down the noisiest game ever invented. You can't play it quietly. It's impossible. Man, you talk about great game soundtracks, from start to finish the game is nothing but CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK! That and children giggling loudly (and maybe even the odd internet ranter).

It's like the creators deliberately set out to piss off as many parents as they could. "Ve're going to create a monster today, people. Ve need to come up vis a children's game so noisy and annoying zat every parent vill vish for early death....zat is until ve create a line of furry toy robots zat von't shut up! Zen zee parents vill BEG for zee Hippos! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Besides being incredibly loud, Hungry Hungry Hippos takes absolutely no skill whatsoever to play and win. You just smack a hippo's ass repeatedly and hope for the best. You can't really be good at it. It's all luck. Really, the only way you can be at a disadvantage is if you have no limbs.

My last gripe with Hungry Hungry Hippos is the marbles. For one, they always seem to slowly disappear until you realize that the reason that none your games have lasted longer than 3 seconds is because you're only playing with 2 marbles. Those bastards are hard to replace too. You can't use regular glass marbles because they're too big. I mean, come on, it's a hippo for Christ's sake. One of the largest mouths in the animal kingdom. You should be able to fit a Hyundai in there. But these pansies can't even swallow a marble.

And even after all that, still, Hungry Hungry Hippos: Best Fucking Game Ever.

Quilts and Short Blankets

I had a somewhat rough awakening this morning. Last night was my last night at the cottage and despite that fact, I went easy on the "brainstorming". See, and you bastards didn't believe me. I still maintain that there was no beer. But my point is that my rough morning wasn't from the gobs of creative thinking from the previous night. It was from a short blanket!

This has to be a ton of people's worst pet peeve. It's just not one that comes to mind until you're actually stuck in the situation. When your blanket or quilt is too short to fully cover you. Either your feet stick out the bottom or you can only remain covered up to the waist. Both are mind-numbingly annoying.

Is there anyone who actually thinks short blankets are a good idea? A-ha! I just found a picture of exactly what I mean. I woke up under this bullshit this morning. These blankets are possibly the worst thing in the world. As far as I'm concerned they are only meant for two things:

1) Keeping people's feet warm when they watch TV. And what's the point of that? Frankly I just don't trust anyone who claims to be OK with having a blanket cover half of their body or less. Anyone who sees me in a blanket is quite sure that the mob was recently at my place and got bored before they could dump my rolled up body into the lake. When it comes to blanketing, I'm pretty hardcore.

2) Smoking doobies on during Sabbath reunion shows. Bonus points if it's during Sweet Leaf. But this argument falls a little flat considering that blankets aren't traditionally used for this. The blanket isn't even serving much of a purpose, really. In this situation would you really miss the blanket if it weren't there? I think not.

So why do so many people have one of these dumbass blankets? It seems like everyone I know has one. Either granny secretly likes to get high and rock out or she's completely lost her mind. Honestly, guys, we need to stop with this half-blanket crap and start producing some good old-fashioned normal sized blankets. This is an important plan and we mustn't get cold feet on it...

...Just terrible.