Sean Jones and Saul Korman

I realize I've been lacking in the updates lately so it's another double shot day! My second piece about fat people is below this one.

Anyway, I felt the need to write about the two most annoying commercial voices we continuously got making appearances in Toronto. Somebody needs to get these people off the radio. Like immediately.

Sean Jones

If you don't know this guy by name, he's the annoying Spence Diamonds guy. The first thing he needs to do is take the enthusiasm knob that he's got cranked to 11 and dial it back a few points. I've heard his commercials. I get it. He's got jewellry at good prices. Stop reading ever sentence like it's the most mind-blowing news ever. Until Sean Jones came along I didn't believe overarticulation was a problem on radio.

And what's with the random sound effects? It's like he realized that his voice alone probably wasn't going to get his full potential clientele into his store but he was completely out of creative energy. "Fuck...I don't know...(whewwwww)...let's just, for no particular reason, add in sound effects that only children and morons would find funny."

I swear if I hear "WAAAOOOWW!!" one more time I'm going to start ramming other vehicles on the road. There has never been a more out of place sound effect in any other commercial ever. It's a damn jewellry store, not a Bud Light commercial. Even in a beer commercial that sound effect would be puke-inducing. Get the fuck off my radio.

Saul Korman

To illustrate my point with the man from Korry's Clothiers, I thoughtit would be appropriate to write a Korry's ad in mad lib form:

"Saaauul Korman here for Korry's Clothiers, 569 Danforth. Let me tell you we've got _________(adjective) suits from _______(plug), _______(plug), and ________(plug). And I know this because last week ____________________________________________ (boring story about his partners in the biz). And also, _________________(plug). So when you come to Korry's don't forget to check out _______________(plug). And I almost forgot, _____________(plug). Just wanted to say, ______________(irrelevant crap that applies to only to three people who probably aren't even fucking listening anyway). And before I go I need to mention __________(plug). Korry's, in the ______(body part) of Greektown, at 569 Danforth."


Saul Korman seems like a guy who has too much money and his guilty pleasure is to spend it on meaningless crap just for kicks. His commercials make me imagine a guy sitting around a big table with all of his business associates drinking scotches. It's been a good night, Saul's getting a littly jolly, and he tells everyone to shut up for s second and listen.

"As you all know, I've got a great deal of money. I've been running over this idea in my head for a couple of weeks now. I'm going to buy airtime on the radio. I'll say some stuff, but mostly I'M GOING TO MENTION ALL OF YOU GUYS!! IN EVERY FUCKING DAILY AD! NO WAY, I KNOW!

Ahem...now obviously I want to get word out about my store and all that crap....but mainly....I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR NAMES! ON THE RADIO! WE CAN ALL LISTEN AND REACT ACCORDINGLY WHEN WE HEAR THEM!

Ahem....now obviously we don't want normal listeners to think we're just a bunch of jerks with egos so we'll say some good crap about the store...I guess...but OH MAN! HOW WICKED WOULD IT BE IF I JUST PLUGGED YOUR GUYS' SHIT?! THIS IS FOR US, FELLAS! WE ARE ALL SUCH GREAT FRIENDS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY! I SHALL BUY A ROLLER COASTER!"

On the bright side, at least he's not so much of an asshole that he refers to himself as "Korry" in his spots. Either way, get the fuck off my radio.

Paid Programming on the Radio

Jesus Christ, is this shit boring or what? The younger folks may not even be aware of this, listening to their iPods or iPhones or whatever spooky device they get their music from. Help me out here, I'm so utterly out of touch! Anyway, this paid programming is not meant to sell anything like TV infomercials. It is usually a half hour segment, usually happening on weekend mornings, dedicated to discussing some of the most boring crap ever.

I can think of lots of paid programming shows that air regularly on all the AM stations I listen to (because I'm 23 and I'm that fucking cool). Out of all of them, I can't think of a single one I enjoy listening to. Let's see. There's a computer/software/virus protection show, a gardening show, a car show, a Christian show, a "woman's perspective" show, a travel show, a home improvement show... Shall I continue? Please say no. This is so god damn boring.

The worst though, the absolute worst show...the show that makes me want to set fire to myself to lessen the agony...is called the Buddha Lounge. This show is perfectly dreadful. It makes me fully understand why people hate hippies. By hippies, I don't mean the traditional counter-culture people, but the people that seem to get associated most with the term these days. I'm talking about these pansy-ass, pussy-ass, gentile, "alternative-lifestyle", yoga-practicing, organic-food-eating, meditating people. These are the people that make up the Buddha Lounge.

Whether they're talking about Feng Shui or spiritual vibes and energies, they make me want to puke because they always speak in sort of a hushed manner. It's hard to describe, but if you group together the words "yoga", "lifestyle", and "pansy" into sort of an idea to describe the way someone speaks, you're on the right track.

Enough Buddha Lounge bashing though. The point is that all of these shows are excruciating. They all have people phoning up and asking for advice. Who listens to this shit? I couldn't care less about other peoples' difficulties in the garden or the hardships they're running into with their plumbing. Snore. SNORE. SNORE!!!

Unfortunately these shows will continue though because the station makes money off of them. I just wish a cool one would finally come along. Like "The Suicide Hotline Show!" Or "The Kick Tim Geithner In the Balls Over and Over and Over Show!" Well, maybe that one's better for TV. I'd watch it though.

Billy Bob Thornton

Billy Bob, you need some common sense. CBC Radio is generous enough to invite you and your band (which I'm guessing would go unheard of if you weren't already famous) to the station in order for you to promote an album. Something apparently got lodged up your ass during the interview and you got all prima donna on everyone. I say prima donna only because it seems like nobody has ever heard of the male counterpart, primo uomo. I'm a fucking nerd, I know.

Getting back on track. Thornton, you lost it because...oh yeah, the host of the show referred to your acting career. Aw, hail no. Not that. You might try using some logic sometime. People don't know who the Boxmasters are. People know who Billy Bob Thornton is. If the host introduced you without even mentioning your acting, people might start to believe there are two Billy Bob Thorntons or that the host did not mention your acting career because of his own ignorance of who you are. Neither is true. It makes perfect sense to mention that you've been in movies.

You then proceed to make the host's job a living nightmare. Interviewing someone of such fame is, I would imagine, at least a little intimidating even for the pros. This is when they're co-operative. Maybe the host doesn't care all that much for you but he has to come up with things to ask you and pretend to be interested because the boss told him so. When you pull this crap, you piss them off.

If it were my show I would politely tell you to "Get the Fuck Outta My Studio if you don't want to do this." The station does you a huge favour and you crap all over them. Get over yourself.

For someone who's a Boxmaster you sure seem to suck a lot of dick.

1050 CHUM

Godspeed, old friend.

A few years ago in college I heard some murmurings of 1050 CHUM dropping their oldies format and broadcasting CP24 material. Today I finally received the news that it has. This is bullshit.

The CityPulse stuff officially launched this morning which put an end to the oldies radio station I have known my whole life, aside from a brief stint as a sports-talk station, which was also bullshit.

I tuned in when I read the news to see if it was true and sure enough, it was. I listened for a bit while slowly becoming irate because my internet wasn't fucking working properly. This happens quite frequently at home. My bullshit dial-up internet becomes unresponsive on a regular basis and I can't fucking figure out why. It should go on my list. But it won't. At least not yet. Because nobody wants to read about my internet and I have no desire to write about it.

Back to CP24/CHUM. I ended up super-pissed and this AM station was on and it sounded like a modem because of the reception. What? Oh...silly me. That screeching sound that you used to get when you logged onto the internet in 1997. Back when I wasn't the only asshole in the world with dial-up internet.

Now back to CP24/CHUM. I was pissed, my internet wasn't working, and I was listening to some bitch talking over an annoying screeching sound. And then the breaking point came when I heard some lady say "I'm just on Twitter all the time!" Fuck Shitter and fuck that woman. I flew into a rage and clubbed my radio and my car. And then I calmed down and wondered to myself...why the car?

Honestly, the whole time I was listening it was just technical problem after miscommunication after technical problem. But I'm a nice, reasonable guy (obviously) so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I know how radio works and yes, there will be some problems on the first day.

I'm really just kind of saddened because they switched formats because nobody was listening to the oldies stuff (this is what they say). But who the fuck wants to listen to CityPulse shit on AM radio? I picture skinny conspiracy theorists in their late 30s in their empty apartments where they live alone....no wait. You ever see the movie Pi? That's the guy who listens to CP24 on AM radio. People that are probably really, really smart but mentally disturbed. Those with severe social flaws.

This is just one more station that is no longer paying royalties to ancient rock and roll stars. How the fuck are Gerry and the Pacemakers going to make it through retirement!? Didn't think of that, now did you, 1050?