Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!


My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

IT'S OVER!!!!!

If they announced today that the wars in the middle east are officially over as of midnight, I probably wouldn't be as excited and relieved as I am now. Okay, I would, but you get the point. Anyway, FIFA 2010 is ending! The last game is underway! The end of this long highway of bullshit is on the horizon!

For a month I've had to listen to trivial crap about NOTHING until it was ultimately drowned out by vuvuzelas. I've had to listen to endless stats about players I don't care about, teams I don't care about, and a game I don't care about.

For a month I've had to watch Coca-Cola's bullshit advertising with dancing Africans happily gulping down that sugary crap. I've had to watch a bunch of pricks placing bets based on what a FUCKING OCTOPUS tells them.

For a month I've had to put up with brain-dead people shouting "Gooooooooooaaaaaall!"

Basically, for a month I haven't taken a solid shit.

And now the last game is underway! I don't give a rat's ass who wins! I'm actually crossing my fingers, hoping a giant asteroid will fall from the sky and land directly on the stadium with 20 seconds left in the game!

I'm giving everyone one grace day and only one. I know tomorrow everyone from your average Joes to your news networks to your Daily Shows will have to talk about the "big win". So I'm granting ONE day to get your ya-yas out.

After that I don't want to hear "soccer", "Fifa", "Gooooaaal", or "Al Gore" ever again. Thank you.

G20 Special: Violent Protesters

So the G20 summit has officially reached Toronto's downtown core and with it comes comes a tribe of highly employable, jabbering dickweeds. No, it's not the politicians I'm talking about. I mean Dick and Jane Windowpopper.

I'm all for protesting and speaking out for what you believe in. When I see people damaging property and basically causing shit, though, I have to wonder what these idiots are thinking. They appear to be trying to communicate with us. Perhaps their hemmorrhoids have flared up.

I really don't understand the logic in smashing windows.

"Now that a massive protest is occurring, I now have an excuse to engage in juvenile behaviour and most likely get away scot-free! I shall hurl a newspaper box through a Starbucks window. That will tell the world that as an individual I am opposed to any one of the following: Obama, Harper, police, capitalism, Israel, Palestine, 9/11, deodorant, frappuccinos, or intact glass panes. Bitchin'!"

Let's think about this now. If you're opposed to the summit, why are you destroying the front of a building that does not contain the people meeting? If you're opposed to the store or corporations or something like that, you're not doing anything by breaking a couple of windows. Business will go on after you've left. All you've succeeded in doing is piss off a storeowner and create a job for a window installer. Finally, if you're breaking the windows just for the sake of breaking shit, well, you're just an asswipe.

And what's all this I'm hearing about demonstrators being avoidant of the media? Now I'm to understand that you want to draw more attention to your message but you don't actually want to tell anyone what your message is? Alright...

Shit's getting real here and you're not helping.

T-Shirts from Fundraisers

T-Shirts given out at fundraising events are a gigantic waste of cloth as far as I'm concerned. Who actually wears these things? When someone hands you one of these shirts they're not saying "Thanks for your support! Here's a little something to show our appreciation!"

What they're really saying is, "Have a nice trip to the Salvation Army!"

Because that's where all of these shirts inevitably end up. Don't believe me? Go to your local Salvation Army store or thrift shop and have a look at the t-shirt section. 95 percent of the shirts in there say "Becel Ride for Heart 1997!" on them with a bunch of insurance company logos printed underneath. If "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" didn't exist, the t-shirt section at thrift stores would be about 8-12 hangers on a doorknob.

And if the t-shirts don't end up a a thrift store? Well, there's always room for them to become sleeping gear, exercise gear, or for the truly daring, a wank rag. Could Planned Parenthood logically disapprove of people jizzing into their t-shirts?

The only people I ever see wearing fundraiser t-shirts in public are people who also wearing a fanny pack and shorts that are riding way too high. They all go to the supermarket specifically to "hang out" on the bench by the door and chat with you about their elderly parents' health problems. Creepy.

Do we really need to keep printing these eyesores?

DVD Slip Cases

They're irritating. What is the point? The DVD is in a hard case, it's got sticky anti-theft stuff around the edges, and it's wrapped in plastic. Why is there a need for these cardboard cases?

The only thing that happens is I take the DVD case out and then throw the slip case into a corner somewhere because I don't have the heart to throw it away. I feel like it's part of the DVD. It's like throwing out a book after reading it. Sure, I've already read it, but it doesn't seem appropriate to just throw it away. So I keep it.

I mean, with all the talk about saving the environment, how about we not bullshit carbon tax people and maybe think about cutting out all of this extraneous packaging that's everywhere, not just on DVDs. It's fucking useless. I buy a pair of headphones and by the time I've got them out my garbage can is overflowing. All of it adds up. Just gimme the headphones and cut out the bullshit shell casing and paper and cardboard and twist ties. Fuck.

Like, you're taking a DVD with a picture on the cover and putting it inside a piece of cardboard with the exact same picture on it. It's completely pointless. A bunch of decoration isn't going to make the movie more enjoyable. Cut the crap already.

Life's Little (cough, bullshit) Instructions (and Lists Like It)

Mr. Snell, I appreciate that you lived to be at least 95 years old and that you wanted to leave people with some positive words, but I do believe you're full of shit and I must debunk and destroy your list piece by piece. There are too many of these hokey inspirational lists floating around the internet. If you take 10 seconds out to actually think about the things these lists advocate, you'll see that they're completely fucking meaningless. And I'm here to prove that. So strap in.

Sing in the shower.
Please don't. Most people are fucking rubbish. The last thing I need is a bunch of shitty singers pissing me off.

Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Tried it. Doesn't work. People walk all over me every damn day.

Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Done it. The hangover's fucking brutal the next day, I'll tell you.

Never refuse homemade brownies.
This is arguably the best advice ever or the worst, depending on the situation. If you're visiting the frat kids that enjoy a classic prank, bad idea. If you're at Tommy Chong's house...

Strive for excellence, not perfection.
How about I work on getting the job done without you berating my work and calling me a fuckup? Then we can focus on the above-average striving.

Plant a tree on your birthday.
Are you high? What does this possibly accomplish? This sounds like some asshole with his finger up his nose decided that the idea sounded symbolic of something but couldn't figure out what so he put it off until later and just never got around to it. What a load of crap.

Learn three clean jokes.
What for? To keep kids at a birthday party entertained for 22 seconds?

Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
This should be common sense and common courtesy. If you need a list to suggest this to you, you're probably a dick.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Yeah. That's all I need is a bunch of people suspecting I'm on ecstasy. For God's sake, as good as it looks in writing, telling everyone you love them is a bad idea.

Leave everything better than you found it.
How in the fuck is anyone supposed to do that?! Does Mr. Snell think everyone is unemployed and has all day to waste their time trying to do this impossible task? Let's say I'm walking through the forest with this mantra in my head. I accidentally trample some flowers. Shit! So to leave it better than I found it, I go find some better flowers from another part of the woods, bring them back, and plant them where the trampled flowers were. But oh shit again! Now I have to find some even better flowers to replace the flowers that a replaced the trampled flowers with! And pretty soon I'm spending my whole day rearranging the whole forest. This is just one of the many scenarios that happen in the course of a day. I don't have the time to spend leaving everything better than I found it. It can't be done.

Keep it simple.
Yes you have. Do you mind being more specific? Keep what simple?

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Is this...is this code for masturbation? You dirty old man!

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
I'm not off to a good start, am I?

Be forgiving on yourself and others.
Damn it, if he had just added "...my son" at the end, I would've thought Jesus himself wrote this list!

Say "thank you" a lot.
The little Asian man at the convenience store on my drive home from work thanks me when I ask him how he is, when I give him my debit card, when he RETURNS my debit card, when I put down the debit machine, when I say goodbye, and when I leave the store. The amount of gratitude he has is actually a little uncomfortable. Bad idea.

Say "please" a lot.
What kind of reputation are you going to have if you ask people permission for everything? A nobody, that's who. Have some backbone and take charge, son!

Avoid negative people.
If you're actually still reading at this point in the list, yeah, you're the type of person who should avoid me. You'd just be doing us both a favour.

Wear polished shoes.
Fucking asshole! My Vans are now fucking ruined because of your shitty advice! You owe me!

Remember other peoples' birthdays.
Dale Greenwood of Mobile, Montana- June 9
Chang Xiopang of Fu Hai, China- February 18
Hans Birdenbich of Kolderwein, Germany- July 22

Oh, people I know? Be specific. Dumb people like me might be wasting their time.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Kind of like Jocelyn Wildenstein? Doesn't always work. Sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are.

Have a firm handshake.
I'll do it just because it's one of the easiest things on the list, but I don't get how it'll improve my life.

Send lots of valentine cards, sign them.
I did. My girlfriend found out, called me a two-timing pig, and dumped me. I did, however get laid 5 1/2 times that Valentine's Day and not with the same girl twice.

On second thought, this one's not so bad.

Look people in the eye.
Again, too damn vague. Do this in moderation. When you're constantly looking at someone with saucer eyes, they think you're up to something.

Be the first to say hello.
Not in prison. A smile, a wave, and a big hello to everyone there means your ass is grass in less than an hour.

Return all things you borrow.
What if I borrow your cat while you go on vacation for 2 months and it dies an hour after your flight leaves? Do you still want it back when you return in 8 weeks? Because I don't mind saving it for you.

Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. More advice about something people pretty much do naturally.

Keep secrets.
Except from the IRS. They HATE that.

Plant flowers every spring.
I ran out of soil after all that meaningless birthday tree planting. Can't do it, sorry.

Have a dog.
Being a human male, I think that's virtually impossible. And I think bestiality is illegal anyway. I'll just adopt instead.

Always accept an outstretched hand.
Even if I'm fully aware that I'm about to get stinkpalmed? Or what if it's all nasty and only has two fingers on it? What if zombies are chasing me? Should I go with them? What if it's Edward Scissorhands? Does that technically count as a hand?

Stop blaming others.
Why would you presume that I already do this? And even if I did blame others, what if they actually did it? Do you expect me to confess to shit I didn't even do and go to jail over three words on a bullshit list? Get real.

Take responsibility over everything in your life.
Take that, religion! No more of this "It's God's will" crap. Free will is not questionable according to Mr. Snell. Time to step up to the plate!

Wave at kids on school buses.
In this day and age? I think not. Maybe in 1950 that was acceptable, sir. But today being kind to children automatically makes you a pedophile, you're a lost cause, straight to the slammer with no trial, mandatory minimum sentence: life. Do not show any compassion for children, you twisted fuck.

Be there when people need you.
Hook me up with a beeper and a cell phone. Call me anytime. ANY time. Everyone I know has my contact info and I will gladly leave my wife as she's giving birth to come help you open that pickle jar. You need me, I'm there. I'm your friend and assistant on call 24/7.

Don't expect life to be fair.
Shouldn't this be the actual disclaimer at the top of the list? "If you choose to follow this advice..."

Never underestimate the power of love.
Oh, I don't. Huey Lewis and the News can write a solid tune, no doubt. And it was used so well in Back the the Future!

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
I did. Just this morning actually. 8 glasses with my morning toast. The boss was not impressed. My behaviour according to him was "unruly and completely inappropriate for the workplace."

Live your life like an exclamation, not an explanation.
I'm happy for you. You've found two big words that rhyme. Now would you mind taking a short break from this rule to explain to me exactly what the fuck it means?

Don't be afraid to say "I made a mistake."
You first. Apologize for this damn list, Snell!

Don't be afraid to say "I don't know."
See previous point.

Compliment even small improvements.
But don't be afraid to tell them they've still got a hell of a long way to go.

Keep your promises no matter what.
What if I die? Surely there are extenuating circumstances. Can you cut me some slack? I honestly didn't mean to die. It just kind of happened.

Marry only for love.
Take that, Indians! Once again, here comes Big Snell stomping all over customs different from his own! Arranged marriage has no place on this list and therefore no place in the world.

Rekindle old friendships.
Didn't you tell me to "Make new friends but cherish old ones"? If I was doing that, I wouldn't have to rekindle shit.

Count your blessings.
Done. 247. What did you get? Did I win? I won, right?

Call your mother.
MOM!

...Nope. No answer. She doesn't love me.

And your dad too, if they happen to be alive.
I'm not calling my dad! He's a hardass and he's busy at work. If I did he would leave early to come home and bludgeon me with a lamp for wasting money on phone calls. My dad's one of those people who you just don't exchange "I love you"s with. We both know the other loves us, but we would never ever ever say it. Things would get uh-gly.


Well, there you go. The list doesn't have that warm fuzzy feeling any more, does it? Kind of seems like a load of crap? Hopefully. Do not pay any attention to these feel-good things floating around on the internet, folks. They'll destroy your fucking life.

Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila

Hey, since networks can't get enough of reality shows, I've got an idea for a good one. I call it, "Bret and Tila Realize They're Both Looking for Love, Hook Up With Each Other, Fuck Off to Fiji, and Never Bother Me With Their Stupid Bullshit Ever Again." Don't worry, I'm working on a better title, but you get the idea.

Is anyone else as tired of these fucks as I am? In case you're wondering, I severely dislike them because they're two of the biggest sellouts I've ever seen and people love them.

Bret

He was lead singer in a little band from the 80s called Poison. Now he walks around in a cowboy hat trying to impress a bunch of skanks while people film it (VH1's Rock of Love). What the hell kind of a life is that? I really get annoyed when rock stars pansy out. They're supposed to be on stage chugging whiskey, snorting coke, making sexual gestures towards female audience members, and generally acting badass until they die before they reach 30. Not starring on reality TV shows and sharing their inner feelings about women. Washed up or not, you're a fucking rock star. Man up and start acting like it for Christ's sake.

Tila

Please, God, if you're there, I beg of you to deliver me from this wench's endless stream of bullshit. I'm convinced that the people who are fans of Tila have no hope. They will never win a Nobel Prize or achieve anything even remotely close academically. The only thing they will achieve is maybe earning the title of "Most Likely to Blow Life Savings on iPod Accessories and Stalk MTV Hosts." These people are dumb, they're on the bottom rung of the intellectual ladder, and they're going nowhere.

Let's take some of her songs (which are just awful), for example. One is called "Stripper Friends". Another one, "Fuck Ya Man" (as in Fuck Your Man). Good gravy, I'll bet they're super profound, real thinkers!

See, that's one of my biggest problems with Tila Tequila. She takes the "sex sells" philosophy way, way, way to far. She uses sex to sell fucking everything and it's so incredibly blatant that it's annoying. She's a god damn fake.

And she's one of those girls who's hot and knows it and uses it like it's a tool. For instance, she'll be in an interview and nonchalantly gives the camera a wink and a cheeky smile. Come on! I see right through your sexy bullshit, Tila! The only reason you're doing that is to get a rise out of guys. I think of it as a stripper winking at a customer so he'll think she's actually into him, but really it's just for tips. Everything about Tila Tequila seems like the same scenario. Again, she's a fake.


So I wish Bret and Tila would just get together and that way they could stop subjecting people to their terrible, terrible shows and empty, dumbass personalities. I will, in fact, personally pay for two one-way flights to Ethiopia for these assholes. Or Fiji, I don't care. As long as there is not a television camera, microphone, or internet access within 50 miles of them I'm happy.

I will also gladly accept donations if you're with me on this. Contribute today to the "Send These Two Blockheads Away For Good!" fund!

Hallmark Holidays

Yeah, it's Father's Day and I'm here to sound like an asshole again. With all due respect to my parents, I'm sick of being guilted into buying shit. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are just stupid. How did we get to the point where it's basically a requirement to buy someone some piece of useless crap to celebrate otherwise you're cheap and a dickhead?

I'm stuck in this commercial trap and it's a nightmare. I want to just tell my parents I love them and thank them for pissing away their awesome lives to raise a little terror. And if I have children, (which is a "dream" on the horizon at this point), I'd expect them to do the same. How does a fucking GPS system tell dad you love him? If my son got me a GPS system I'd sit him down, tell him to take that overpriced piece of shit back to Best Buy, and make him write "I love you, Dad" on a post-it note. All of these electonics they're whoring out don't say "I love you and thanks", they say, "I'm a cluless fuck who got duped by the marketing machine once again."

But no, if I simply say "I love you and thanks" there's a long pause and the other person stares at me as if to say, "...there's a gift coming too, right?" Damn it, this is why I hate Christmas too! I can't opt out of the dumbass "buy a bunch of shit" tradition without being "cheap." Aaargh! Father's Day! It's supposed to be about letting your father know you appreciate him, not supporting big-box stores.

And besides, my dad hates all the electronic crap that all the commercials are saying he'll love. My dad's kind of like me (or vice versa), the only difference is that I bitch about everything and he basically just ignores it. But we both use very little. Neither one of us needs more stupid shit. People buy us stupid shit all the time because...well, I've already been over that...and we don't need it! Nobody does! Fuck iPods and Blackberries and cell phones and toasters and TVs and all of these damned gizmos they're pumping out at an alarming rate. It's all stupid shit.

I say, down with stupid shit and let's take Father's Day back from advertisers.

Urinal Code

I assume the majority of male readers will hate me for saying this, but Urinal Code is fucking dumb. I find it terribly ironic that men, in an effort to maintain their status as a man's man and avoid being thought of homosexual, will fuss over petty, insignificant details, something normally associated with...their FEMALE counterparts!

The video left out two parts to urinal code that I have witnessed:

1)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal, use a stall.
2)If you can't avoid standing beside another man at a urinal OR use a stall, wait until you can occupy a urinal that is not beside one in use.

The bathroom in the bar that I go to every Friday has two urinals and one stall so I've seen Urinal Code in effect quite routinely. I've been in the situation where I'm taking a piss and someone walks in and despite there being a free urinal, they go for the stall.

My view of Urinal Code is this: I have to piss, there's a toilet, it's free, and damn it, I'm using it. I really couldn't give a fuck about another man's deep-seated homophobia. Pissing is a normal bodily function and guess what? You're in a bathroom, genius. Pissing beside others is expected and it doesn't make you gay. Grow up and grow a pair. I don't have time to dick around at the back of the washroom playing number games in my head while my bladder bursts.

That said, I don't deliberately break Urinal Code. I follow it to some degree, just not if it inconveniences me. For example, if there are 5 urinals and only 1 is taken, I don't march up and drop trou right next to him. We all need personal space. Likewise, I don't look around the room or at anything besides the wall in front of me and I don't speak unless spoken to. I never initiate urinal conversation, but if someone strikes up, I have no problem with brief small talk. I'm not one of those guys that gets weirded out by talking in the bathroom and I have to say I don't understand why some guys do.

Urinal Code, as far as I'm concerned, is just a bunch of guys trying to act tough, but actually coming across as very wimpy and insecure in the process. We're all human beings here. Can't we all just take a piss without fretting over absurd rules?

Nightclubs

I have a real problem with nightclubs, namely that every fucking aspect of them is incredibly stupid. So let's begin.

1)Dancing. It blows. I've had my share of drunk girls pull me onto the dance floor and every moment I'm there is pure fucking agony. Part of it being that I can't dance worth two shits. I've got like 3 moves and they all suck ass. I'm just not creative that way. But mostly it's just my belief that dancing is for idiots. I've got this idea that dancing is just a byproduct of our animal brains. Hard to put it in words but I picture clubbers' brains as being just, "Me want girl. Me move body for girl. Girl think sexy. Girl want Clubber." It just seems so fucking primitive and pointless and desperate.

2)Shitty music. Gosh, do I ever like dancing to 12 minute songs that are just 20 second segments looped over and over and over! Of course I don't. I already said I hate dancing. I honestly don't understand why people like these so called "beats". They're boring as fuck and they all sound the same. And that just covers those delightful clubs where everyone's on X. Let's not forget the hip hop/R&B houses of hell....I can't really go much further into them besides saying that their music is equally shitty.

3)Alpha males. Big muscles, thin beards, smelly colognes, and empty heads. Go the fuck home and take your ego with you. I want to slap these overly-confident assholes who think they're God's gift to the world. But I don't because they'd undoubtedly kick my ass. Badly.

4)Drunk girls. Don't take that the wrong way, I've got no problem with a girl who can drink. I'm talking about the girls who have two beers and then turn into complete fucking morons. Intellect is a major factor for me in deciding which girls are a turn-on. Which is why I will never hook up with Tila Tequila (among many, many other reasons). Why can't I ever talk to any drunk and smart girls at the bar?! Every one I talk to giggles, plays with my hair, and points out quite obviously that it's curly. They're loud, they're annoying, and they're fucking dumb as rocks.

Nightclubs are just a place where horny people meet to participate in inane activities, drink pussy drinks, and bullshit each other for a few hours. A pointless place for pointless people.

Skateboarding DVDs

I was just looking at my movie collection and it occurred to me what an empty-headed teenager I was. The reason being that I own 3 skateboarding DVDs. Yes, folks, entire DVDs of skateboarding footage set to shitty music.

I haven't watched them in several years and with good reason I say. Who wants to watch skateboarding footage? It's god damned boring. I'd rather watch golf. Skateboarding is a guy flipping a board with his feet over and over. These guys need to kickflip their asses into a job interview.

The guys in these videos always look so wimpy too. They're always 85 pounds, they've always got their stupid hair in their eyes because they have stupid haircuts, and they're always wearing tight girls shirts.

I own one DVD called "The DC Video". Supposedly it's so creatively named after a skateboarding company, but given it's track record in my DVD player, I think it must be short for "The Dust Collecting Video".

Another one I own is called Yeah Right! Apparently named for the reaction one has while looking through one's DVD collection and realizing what a dumbass one was. The last one I own is a DVD some guys made called Opinion. Sadly, theirs aren't being heard in my household.

But enough with the lame jokes. What a waste of money. Anyone want 3 skateboarding DVDs for like 5 bucks? I won't judge...

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

Cowboy Lawyers

Huh?! I know there are at least 2 versions of this commercial. You're pimping around watching TV (sorry, I just finished Threevening), commercials are on, another fucking lawsuit commercial comes up, everything's business as usual, and then WHAM! Buddy appears wearing a fucking cowboy hat?! Is this a joke?

He might as well just show up in a clown suit or a Power Rangers uniform. How can I ever be expected to watch a lawyer in a cowboy hat and take him seriously? I feel like his best method of winning a case is to bust out a lasso and hogtie everyone in the courtroom. He seems like he might have a very skewed understanding of how things work.

I picture court day as being quite routine until suddenly there's a huge crash and the courtroom doors explode open and there you see a snow-white stallion reared back on it's hind legs whinnying. Seated on it's back is Charles Binder wearing his cowboy hat, a pair of spurs, and a big gold star badge. He rides his horse up to the front without batting an eye, dismounts, ties his horse to the judge's bench, and declares "Let's begin, your Honour!"

I just can't take these Binder and Binder guys seriously. And it's not like I can pinpoint a reason why they're wearing cowboy hats in their commercials and I'm saying, "That's a dumb idea." I can't for the life of me figure it out. It just seems so random and unnecessary. Surely cowboy hats don't help these guys win cases and lawyers generally aren't known to don them. It's not like a guy playing a doctor on TV and wearing a white coat and stethoscope for credibility. The cowboy hat has no place in today's legal proceedings.

Now that I think of it though, I really would enjoy seeing someone one-up Binder and Binder and just do a whole commercial in Power Rangers costume. Perhaps that fat, pink, shapeless, bearded, beady-eyed Patrick Cox weirdo from the Tax Masters commercial.

Wine Aficionados and Wine Tastings

I'll start off by saying that I feel that I must be criticizing something which I don't understand here. Surely there must be a part to the picture I'm missing. Wine freaks and wine tastings just seem so ridiculously pointless to me.

I've never seen a wine aficionado that didn't give off an "I'm a complete pompous douchebag" vibe. They all seem to think they're better than everyone else. I can't stand seeing them swirl that small portion of wine at the bottom of the glass. I can't stand the way they waft the scent up to their noses and then eloquently describe it's aroma. And I can't stand the way they swish the wine around in their mouth, spit it out, and then comment on it's aftertaste.

I'm frightened of people who elevate beverages to a godlike status. Christ, it's just a drink, get over yourself. I don't see any milkshake aficionados. I don't see any soda water aficionados. Why the fascination with wine? Because it's commonly viewed as a sophisticated drink and so you have an excuse to get all high-nosed about it? Really, I don't care what type of grapes my wine was made from and what other things the taste is "reminiscent of". It's a drink and it gives me a buzz. Can we move on?

Wine tastings are horrid and I should hope I never have to attend one. All a wine tasting is is an open bar packed with assholes who are full of themselves and not even getting trashed. Which I think we can all agree is the point of an open bar. It shouldn't be a bunch of bespectacled 65 year old men with fat heads and white beards talking out of their asses and lecturing everyone. No thank you.

I have an idea of what would possibly be the best thing ever. You're at a wine tasting and you're ready to slap the next guy in a turtleneck who walks up to you and wants to chat about all the things you couldn't give a fuck about. Suddenly there's a huge crash behind you complete with the sound of shattering glass. You look behind you and some guy has passed out cold and fallen through a table, breaking it in half. He's now soaked in wine and people are gasping and slapping his face, trying to wake him up. You applaud and think to yourself, "Now there's a man who truly knows how to enjoy a wine tasting." How awesome would that be?

Really...wine people, just a bunch of snobby assholes.

The Wearable Towel

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha! Losers!

Honestly, I think if I'm ever having a slow idea night I'm just going to go into the infomercial vaults. Not that tonight is a slow idea night. There is just no shortage of completely inane products.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a wearable towel and this is coming from they guy that wore some pretty questionable clothing in high school and college. I wouldn't even want anyone to know I owned a wearable towel, let alone wore one. It's just so gosh darn embarrassing.

This is a females' product if anything. Some girls, let's face it, just buy some completely retarded things. If a girl wore this thing it would be downright dumb, but understandable on some level. But a man? I reckon any guy wearing one of these is automatically a huge douche.

Really, the guy getting the morning paper made the whole commercial for me. He gets the "Asshat of the Year Award" for sure. If that guy was my neighbour I would kick him in the balls and then promptly pack my shit up and move. I wouldn't want anyone to think we were friends or anything. That could severely ruin a guy's reputation.

But wearable towel aside, why would you even need to wear a normal towel when you're getting the paper? Are you spending several hours each day in a towel? Honestly, shower, dry off, and put some damn clothes on. Why anyone would need to wear a towel outside is beyond me. Trust me, your neighbours couldn't give two shits about your six-pack if that's what this is about. Cover up.

I'm not really sure which is worse, the wearable towel or the wearable blanket (Snuggie). Both of them are basically the same thing and both of them are completely unnecessary. And they're both bought buy the same two groups of people:

1) College kids who think the product is so stupid that they order one as a joke among friends. It arrives and it's funny for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

2) Empty-headed people who are convinced the product is a good idea and they will use it on a regular basis. It arrives and it's fun for maybe 15 minutes and then it sits in the back of the closet, never to be worn again.

My only regret about the wearable towel commercial is that none of the chicks were going toga style. That would have been the one thing that could have made this product somewhat reasonable. As it stands though....waste of money.

Quilts and Short Blankets

I had a somewhat rough awakening this morning. Last night was my last night at the cottage and despite that fact, I went easy on the "brainstorming". See, and you bastards didn't believe me. I still maintain that there was no beer. But my point is that my rough morning wasn't from the gobs of creative thinking from the previous night. It was from a short blanket!

This has to be a ton of people's worst pet peeve. It's just not one that comes to mind until you're actually stuck in the situation. When your blanket or quilt is too short to fully cover you. Either your feet stick out the bottom or you can only remain covered up to the waist. Both are mind-numbingly annoying.

Is there anyone who actually thinks short blankets are a good idea? A-ha! I just found a picture of exactly what I mean. I woke up under this bullshit this morning. These blankets are possibly the worst thing in the world. As far as I'm concerned they are only meant for two things:

1) Keeping people's feet warm when they watch TV. And what's the point of that? Frankly I just don't trust anyone who claims to be OK with having a blanket cover half of their body or less. Anyone who sees me in a blanket is quite sure that the mob was recently at my place and got bored before they could dump my rolled up body into the lake. When it comes to blanketing, I'm pretty hardcore.

2) Smoking doobies on during Sabbath reunion shows. Bonus points if it's during Sweet Leaf. But this argument falls a little flat considering that blankets aren't traditionally used for this. The blanket isn't even serving much of a purpose, really. In this situation would you really miss the blanket if it weren't there? I think not.

So why do so many people have one of these dumbass blankets? It seems like everyone I know has one. Either granny secretly likes to get high and rock out or she's completely lost her mind. Honestly, guys, we need to stop with this half-blanket crap and start producing some good old-fashioned normal sized blankets. This is an important plan and we mustn't get cold feet on it...

...Just terrible.

The Lowe's Help Button

If you're not aware, the Help Button is a service that Lowe's has. In every aisle they have a button that you can press that alerts the staff members that there is someone in that aisle that needs assistance. Please.

Let me just say that I'm sick and tired of all this customer pampering that is ever increasing. I'm sick of people getting free shit from the movie store if the movie the want is out. I'm sick of complimentary coupons. I'm sick of playgrounds inside fast food restaurants. I'm sick of "your business is important to us." I'm sick of companies bending over backwards and trying to make things right for unhappy customers. It's turning us into a population of self-important assholes and people take advantage of it. Act unsatisfied, get some free shit.

Now, the Lowe's help button isn't giving people free shit, but it's another customer pampering device and that's why I don't like it. I know it'll rarely happen just because of business fundamentals, but just once I'd like to see some badass shop owner say, "Don't like my store? Take your pansy ass somewhere else then."

Is there something wrong with taking a walk around the store and finding some acne-ridden teenage employee who can help you? Is it that much of an inconvenience to actually do 20 seconds of work? If I had suggested 50 years ago to a hardware store employee that they should look into installing Help Buttons in each aisle to help customers, I would have been asked, "What, are your legs broken?"

I've never pushed a Lowe's Help Button and I assume I never will. Personally I'd feel like tool. Imagine that, a tool in a hardware store. I picture myself pushing the button and then smugly waiting there with my arms crossed, tapping my toe as a Lowe's worker approaches me with a look that says, "You. You lazy piece of shit. You fucking astound me."

Maybe I'm just a guy that likes to help people. I think I'm just practical. I don't feel the need to treat the employees of a store I'm visiting like shit. I don't feel like they're obligated to wait on me like I'm British royalty. I like to meet people halfway. If you're kind enough to take some time out to help me, I'll help you by going to find you, not by standing there paging you like an arrogant prick.

I'm not necessarily saying that we should completely abolish the Help Button, but there are certain things you can do with it that would deter people from using and abusing it. For example, how about when you press it the following is played through the store's intercom: "Attention Lowe's employees. There is, at this moment, a worthless excuse for a person who needs assistance in Aisle 8. Please treat them with care, as their fucking legs must be broken. We realize that you are likely busy with other more important things at the moment, but again, the lazy sumbitch in Aisle 8 has evidently decided that moving is too much work. I know, it sucks, but if you can take care of that...the boss will buy you a beer or something. Lowe's apologizes for this inconvenience and thanks our valuable customers who can actually be bothered to do shit for themselves. Have a great day!"

You'd probably think twice about pushing the Help Button if you knew the store was going to publicly call you a lazy sumbitch, huh? Public shaming kicks ass.

Horse Shit

I guess it was bound to happen at some point in my life. I finally saw a real live horse shitting today. It's not as great as you probably think it is.

Living in this Youtube world, I've seen a lot of videos of animals shitting. No, I don't seek out these videos. They just come up on variety sites and such.

Real life is different though. This was no video. This was not some guy with a camera phone at the circus who captured Jumbo dropping a deuce. This was me riding my bike down the road and...."What the fuck, the horse is shitting!"

It's not like I wanted to watch a horse take a shit today. But once your eye catches it, you're in for the entire ride. You know in your head that you can't look away because something like this might not happen again until you're well into your seventies. You don't want to watch a shitting horse, yet you have to.

What a stupid entry. Think of the embarrassment of the horse if it ever read this. Not only did someone catch it taking a shit, that person went home and wrote about the whole thing on the internet. I'd be stomping mad.

Too Many Gadgets in the Fucking Car!

Maybe these car companies wouldn't be such failures if they had stuck to building normal fucking cars instead of pumping a bunch of stupid, pointless gadgets into everything. No, that wouldn't work. People are too fat and happy and gadget-crazy and they wouldn't buy sensible cars. Wake up, you morons! You have too many gadgets in the fucking car!

The following accessories, in my opinion, are completely dumb.

-Power anything. Locks, windows...what have you.
-DVD players
-TV
-Heated seats
-Automatic transmission
-Separate headphone jacks for each family member
-GPS
-Back-up camera/sensor
-Climate control

What kind of bullshit is climate control anyway? I wasn't aware that each seat had it's own "climate". It's a fucking bench, not the tropics. Christ...

And we wonder why there are so many car accidents. People are comatose behind the wheel. The car does fucking everything for these morons. They don't have to crank down a window, they don't have to change gears, they don't have to watch where they're going because they've got sensors to do that, they don't even have to know where they're going because Mr. GPS is there to help. All these people have to do is kick back with a Big Mac as they gab on their cell phones. Then it's the other guy's fault when they get into an accident.

What the hell happened to an engine, four tires, and a windshield? Oh, I guess that stopped being fun for people so we had to give them something to play with while they're careening down the highway in a ton of steel. Heaven forbid they're not being entertained at all hours of the day.

And we don't need fucking DVD players in the car! When I took family trips as a youngster I didn't have Power Ranger videos to take me there. I sat there in the back seat with a book, I shut the hell up, and I was grateful if we pulled over for some McDonalds at the halfway point. Now these kids get cranky if they don't get to watch Miley Cyrus on the 20 minute drive to ballet practice. And Pimp My Ride doesn't exactly help matters. They put like 400 TV screens in every vehicle they make over. I saw one where the headlights were little TV screens that looped VH1's Behind the Music: Snoop Dogg.

These modern cars are ridiculous. I'm waiting for the jacuzzi, jungle gym, and bunk beds.

Pussy Flaps

Sorry if you thought this entry was going to be juicy, but that's just my own little term for the sun visors in the car. Because it's a flap and only pussies use them.

I was inspired to write this as I drove down the highway yesterday with the sun in the west shining through my driver's side window. I swung the flap around to block it and then quickly became aware of my status as a complete pansy and swung it right back up. Real men don't use visors. They squint into the sun as they exhale a huge Marlboro drag from their leathery faces, hardened from working in the mines for 40 years. None of this "Boo hoo hoo, the sun's in my eyes" garbage. What a bunch of wimps.

You know who didn't use a sun visor? Dennis Fucking Hopper. Never mind the fact that he was on a motorcycle and a sun visor wasn't an option. Even if he were driving a car he would've ripped the bastard off and flung it into a ditch in New Mexico. Just a hat and a tasty pair of shades is all Dennis needs. Très badass, Mr. Hopper.

I know these pussy flaps are nothing new, but there is entirely too much useless crap in our cars.* If you're driving, grow some balls and squint it out. Save your whimpering for the tampon department where you're undoubtedly going if you use a sun visor.


*More on that later. I missed last night's update because of internet troubles so I owe you one.