Life's Little (cough, bullshit) Instructions (and Lists Like It)

Mr. Snell, I appreciate that you lived to be at least 95 years old and that you wanted to leave people with some positive words, but I do believe you're full of shit and I must debunk and destroy your list piece by piece. There are too many of these hokey inspirational lists floating around the internet. If you take 10 seconds out to actually think about the things these lists advocate, you'll see that they're completely fucking meaningless. And I'm here to prove that. So strap in.

Sing in the shower.
Please don't. Most people are fucking rubbish. The last thing I need is a bunch of shitty singers pissing me off.

Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Tried it. Doesn't work. People walk all over me every damn day.

Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Done it. The hangover's fucking brutal the next day, I'll tell you.

Never refuse homemade brownies.
This is arguably the best advice ever or the worst, depending on the situation. If you're visiting the frat kids that enjoy a classic prank, bad idea. If you're at Tommy Chong's house...

Strive for excellence, not perfection.
How about I work on getting the job done without you berating my work and calling me a fuckup? Then we can focus on the above-average striving.

Plant a tree on your birthday.
Are you high? What does this possibly accomplish? This sounds like some asshole with his finger up his nose decided that the idea sounded symbolic of something but couldn't figure out what so he put it off until later and just never got around to it. What a load of crap.

Learn three clean jokes.
What for? To keep kids at a birthday party entertained for 22 seconds?

Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
This should be common sense and common courtesy. If you need a list to suggest this to you, you're probably a dick.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Yeah. That's all I need is a bunch of people suspecting I'm on ecstasy. For God's sake, as good as it looks in writing, telling everyone you love them is a bad idea.

Leave everything better than you found it.
How in the fuck is anyone supposed to do that?! Does Mr. Snell think everyone is unemployed and has all day to waste their time trying to do this impossible task? Let's say I'm walking through the forest with this mantra in my head. I accidentally trample some flowers. Shit! So to leave it better than I found it, I go find some better flowers from another part of the woods, bring them back, and plant them where the trampled flowers were. But oh shit again! Now I have to find some even better flowers to replace the flowers that a replaced the trampled flowers with! And pretty soon I'm spending my whole day rearranging the whole forest. This is just one of the many scenarios that happen in the course of a day. I don't have the time to spend leaving everything better than I found it. It can't be done.

Keep it simple.
Yes you have. Do you mind being more specific? Keep what simple?

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Is this...is this code for masturbation? You dirty old man!

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
I'm not off to a good start, am I?

Be forgiving on yourself and others.
Damn it, if he had just added "...my son" at the end, I would've thought Jesus himself wrote this list!

Say "thank you" a lot.
The little Asian man at the convenience store on my drive home from work thanks me when I ask him how he is, when I give him my debit card, when he RETURNS my debit card, when I put down the debit machine, when I say goodbye, and when I leave the store. The amount of gratitude he has is actually a little uncomfortable. Bad idea.

Say "please" a lot.
What kind of reputation are you going to have if you ask people permission for everything? A nobody, that's who. Have some backbone and take charge, son!

Avoid negative people.
If you're actually still reading at this point in the list, yeah, you're the type of person who should avoid me. You'd just be doing us both a favour.

Wear polished shoes.
Fucking asshole! My Vans are now fucking ruined because of your shitty advice! You owe me!

Remember other peoples' birthdays.
Dale Greenwood of Mobile, Montana- June 9
Chang Xiopang of Fu Hai, China- February 18
Hans Birdenbich of Kolderwein, Germany- July 22

Oh, people I know? Be specific. Dumb people like me might be wasting their time.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Kind of like Jocelyn Wildenstein? Doesn't always work. Sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are.

Have a firm handshake.
I'll do it just because it's one of the easiest things on the list, but I don't get how it'll improve my life.

Send lots of valentine cards, sign them.
I did. My girlfriend found out, called me a two-timing pig, and dumped me. I did, however get laid 5 1/2 times that Valentine's Day and not with the same girl twice.

On second thought, this one's not so bad.

Look people in the eye.
Again, too damn vague. Do this in moderation. When you're constantly looking at someone with saucer eyes, they think you're up to something.

Be the first to say hello.
Not in prison. A smile, a wave, and a big hello to everyone there means your ass is grass in less than an hour.

Return all things you borrow.
What if I borrow your cat while you go on vacation for 2 months and it dies an hour after your flight leaves? Do you still want it back when you return in 8 weeks? Because I don't mind saving it for you.

Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. More advice about something people pretty much do naturally.

Keep secrets.
Except from the IRS. They HATE that.

Plant flowers every spring.
I ran out of soil after all that meaningless birthday tree planting. Can't do it, sorry.

Have a dog.
Being a human male, I think that's virtually impossible. And I think bestiality is illegal anyway. I'll just adopt instead.

Always accept an outstretched hand.
Even if I'm fully aware that I'm about to get stinkpalmed? Or what if it's all nasty and only has two fingers on it? What if zombies are chasing me? Should I go with them? What if it's Edward Scissorhands? Does that technically count as a hand?

Stop blaming others.
Why would you presume that I already do this? And even if I did blame others, what if they actually did it? Do you expect me to confess to shit I didn't even do and go to jail over three words on a bullshit list? Get real.

Take responsibility over everything in your life.
Take that, religion! No more of this "It's God's will" crap. Free will is not questionable according to Mr. Snell. Time to step up to the plate!

Wave at kids on school buses.
In this day and age? I think not. Maybe in 1950 that was acceptable, sir. But today being kind to children automatically makes you a pedophile, you're a lost cause, straight to the slammer with no trial, mandatory minimum sentence: life. Do not show any compassion for children, you twisted fuck.

Be there when people need you.
Hook me up with a beeper and a cell phone. Call me anytime. ANY time. Everyone I know has my contact info and I will gladly leave my wife as she's giving birth to come help you open that pickle jar. You need me, I'm there. I'm your friend and assistant on call 24/7.

Don't expect life to be fair.
Shouldn't this be the actual disclaimer at the top of the list? "If you choose to follow this advice..."

Never underestimate the power of love.
Oh, I don't. Huey Lewis and the News can write a solid tune, no doubt. And it was used so well in Back the the Future!

Drink champagne for no reason at all.
I did. Just this morning actually. 8 glasses with my morning toast. The boss was not impressed. My behaviour according to him was "unruly and completely inappropriate for the workplace."

Live your life like an exclamation, not an explanation.
I'm happy for you. You've found two big words that rhyme. Now would you mind taking a short break from this rule to explain to me exactly what the fuck it means?

Don't be afraid to say "I made a mistake."
You first. Apologize for this damn list, Snell!

Don't be afraid to say "I don't know."
See previous point.

Compliment even small improvements.
But don't be afraid to tell them they've still got a hell of a long way to go.

Keep your promises no matter what.
What if I die? Surely there are extenuating circumstances. Can you cut me some slack? I honestly didn't mean to die. It just kind of happened.

Marry only for love.
Take that, Indians! Once again, here comes Big Snell stomping all over customs different from his own! Arranged marriage has no place on this list and therefore no place in the world.

Rekindle old friendships.
Didn't you tell me to "Make new friends but cherish old ones"? If I was doing that, I wouldn't have to rekindle shit.

Count your blessings.
Done. 247. What did you get? Did I win? I won, right?

Call your mother.
MOM!

...Nope. No answer. She doesn't love me.

And your dad too, if they happen to be alive.
I'm not calling my dad! He's a hardass and he's busy at work. If I did he would leave early to come home and bludgeon me with a lamp for wasting money on phone calls. My dad's one of those people who you just don't exchange "I love you"s with. We both know the other loves us, but we would never ever ever say it. Things would get uh-gly.


Well, there you go. The list doesn't have that warm fuzzy feeling any more, does it? Kind of seems like a load of crap? Hopefully. Do not pay any attention to these feel-good things floating around on the internet, folks. They'll destroy your fucking life.