Steven Tyler

Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. A while back I wrote a bit about Steven Tyler and Aerosmith which I'm not even going to link to because I just re-read it and it's fucking awful. Basically I stood up for him the band, but now...I just don't understand why,

Steven Tyler has joined American fucking Idol. Somebody shoot me now.

I know Tyler's been clean (well, for the most part) since the mid-eighties but I still kind of think (or thought?) of him as a take-it-to-the-limit rock star who's been through the shit. But every time he's big in the news these days I find that image of him fading bit by bit.

American Idol?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened?! This guy went from being quite literally carried onto the stage due to being so completely loaded/tweaked (true rock star) to critiquing 16 year old girls' voices on a bullshit television show (true pussy).

Why are our rock stars getting so fucking soft?! Bret Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Ronnie Wood, Gene Simmons...they've all got their own fucking little TV or radio shows now and it's all a bunch of crap! These people used to be about putting on a fucking show and being total badasses. They've traded whiskey and cocaine and "I don't give a fuck what the establishment thinks" for ratings and stylists and "What do I have to do to make people still like me?"

And I know Tyler's going to sit there on the Idol judge's panel every week with a stupid hat on his head and a bunch of rings on his hands that some image consultant picked out for him and the rest of them will banter and joke about his Aerosmith career. All in good taste, as per the producers' wishes.

When did rock and roll slip from the hands of the musicians and into the hands of PC marketing assholes?

The age old question: why is Steven Tyler's mouth so big? He knew that one day he'd have to fit six or seven Fox executive cocks in there all at once.

Stupid joke. Stupid show. Stupid everything. Fuck this noise.

Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!


My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

Fishing Shows

A couple of nights ago I had a very interesting evening. I was meeting somebody at a bar before work and I showed up a little under an hour early. As I was killing time I damn near flipped out because there's only so much bullshit your brain can handle at one time. The steady stream of bullshit that everyday life brings is manageable for me, but this time at the bar was like a year's worth packed into 60 minutes.

First I arrived and grabbed a stool at the bar because I was there alone. In front of me were three TVs. And they were all playing the same show. Strike one, but I can let that slide. A lot of bars do this "same show on every TV" crap. It's fucking stupid as far as I'm concerned, but it's their retarded bar and I'm not going to tell them how to run it.

The thing that I just couldn't get over, though, was the fact that they were all tuned to WFN....the WORLD FISHING NETWORK! Dear God, father of all things holy, please deliver me from fucking fishing shows. I'm convinced that stupid people will watch ANYTHING if you slap a theme song on it. I mean, hell, they've got a channel that shows nothing but a burning fireplace around the holidays. It's literally called the Fireplace Channel. We are so fucked, guys.

But fishing shows? I'd rather spend four hours listening to Ben Stein read from the Bible. Fishing shows have to be man's most boring creation to date and I'm truly curious to know who is watching all of them. And why we need a WHOLE FUCKING CHANNEL DEDICATED TO THEM! AND WHY A BAR THINKS THIS IS SUITABLE ENTERTAINMENT!!!!

And the commercials are no better. All they sell is a bunch of crap that's supposed to help you find fish easier. Trust me, this stuff doesn't work. I bought one and all it did was beep when I pointed it at Madonna's crotch. Sorry, that was a stupid joke.

I can sum up every fishing show ever: guy in trucker hat talking about NOTHING, same guy holds up caught fish, guy throws it back, repeat several times, end credits. Is this shit exciting or what?!

The only thing worse is those damn poker shows where everyone's acting like the smoothest muthafucker this side of the Atlantic. Go fuck yourselves, you shallow pricks. Especially you, obligatory one guy in the cowboy hat.

Poker and fishing are stupid.

Finally getting caught up with The Office...

...after weeks of watching religiously and despite being WAY behind the times, coming in to work at 9am after a 2 hour commute, busting ass all day, staying late, kicking back with Season 5 Episode 1 where Jim finally proposes to Pam and then searching out Episode 2 only to find out it's been removed due to COCKSUCKING VIOLATION OF TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! FUCK!

TLC

What happened to you, man? You've changed.

I still remember the first time my family got cable. I'd imagine most kids would. When you're a kid, cable is the holy grail of your world. It's the sole reason you were put on this earth. Once you've achieved "cable status" there's really nothing else to look forward to for the rest of your life. Kind of depressing, really.

Anyway, I was about 10 years old when we first got cable and it was magical. Channel after channel! Show after show! Anything you wanted was on cable!

I was a nerdy kid (hell, I'm a nerdy adult) so I was totally psyched for TLC - The Learning Channel! My ongoing thirst for knowledge could now be quenched with just the push of a button! Oh, the things I would learn now that we had cable! And oh, how I did learn things!

....

So why am I now turning on TLC, no longer "The Learning Channel", to see a family of dickheads with way too many children, Jon & Kate Plus Who Gives a Fuck*, midgets, weddings, babies, and idiots winning money in cabs? FUCK!

A quest for knowledge has been trumped by low budget programming that I can't imagine anyone except fat redneck women would give two shits about. It's scary to think that people must actually be watching this crap. It wouldn't stay on the air otherwise. Something's seriously wrong.

We oughtta add a "D" to the end of this channel. TLCD: The Lowest Common Denominator.

God, people are boring.



*stolen from You Just Made My List!

Larry King's Career

What is going on this week? Is it just me or is Larry King being shit on? See, I was under the impression that he was a qualified and respected anchor/interviewer and good at what he does. But this week he's been stuck chatting with morons.

Larry King should be delivering hard-hitting, informative reporting. That's the kind of thing I see him doing. Not asking the Jonas Brothers about their girlfriends, as he's doing tonight. He's too good for that and he's above it.

Tuesday he had Kathy Griffin on his show and it was awful. I have to admit that I've never followed any of her stuff even though I've known her name and what she does for years. I realized how thankful I am for that time in the dark because she turned out to be really, really annoying. She was unfunny, wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the whole interview was just awkward.

And on Monday (I believe?) he had to talk with Idol winner David Cook. Like, what the hell?! Why does such a good anchor get stuck covering absolute fluff? I really feel sorry for him. Why isn't he given the opportunity to use his talents to cover Tehran or Obama's latest doings? Get these fucking pop stars off the news network!

Talk about hindered talent.

Realizing That Basically the Only Thing I've Done All Day is Watch DVD Commentaries

If you think the above picture is a bit depressing, I didn't even have the girl in the bed! God damn, what a waste of a day. I'm not saying I'm the most productive person in the world, but on average, I do more than stay in bed and watch DVD commentaries all day!

And it's not like I was watching deep, intelligent movies where the commentary was describing the movie's symbolism and whatnot. I was watching Ace Ventura, Mallrats, and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Not a whole lot of symbolism in giving someone the stinkpalm. It's pretty much something you take at face value.

It would have been bad enough if I had just stayed in bed watching DVDs all day. But I watched the commentaries, the telltale sign of having way too much time on your hands. On the other hand, though, at least I haven't taken to writing lengthy rants on the message boards at IMDB. Still, I feel like I could have been more productive with my day.

Watching skateboarding DVD commentaries would have been just cause for an immediate head examination. Do skateboarding DVDs even have commentaries? I sure hope not. It would just be 2 hours of losers desperately trying to find something interesting to talk about. "And...that was Jeremy doing a 180 shove-it....into a double heelflip....oh, and here's Brent....he smashed his nads on the rail like 19 times before he finally landed that....(sighs and looks at watch)"

Tomorrow I'm going to run for prime minister just to make up today's hopelessly lost productivity. That oughta even things up.

Bullshit TV Talent Show Contestants

...and the way nobody can shut the fuck up about them.

First of all, Fox has no right to assume I'm going to look up to these people. The show really should be called "People Who Would Presumably Appeal to Those With Sub-Par Intelligence". I have not once thought of any Idol winners as my heroes. American Idol, Canadian Idol, Pakistani Idol, I don't care what my citizenship is, in my eyes these people are all completely lame.

It's always the same routine anyway. Some prettyboy wins the stupid little contest and then they're the News Network Idol for a few weeks. Skip forward 3 years and you're drunkenly browsing Wikipedia at 4am. You somehow end up at one of these Idol winner's pages and you think, "Oh man, I forgot all about that dude!". As it turns out he's released several albums, none of which you've heard or care about. Some idol. Oh, how I yearn to be deemed a hero of the people after using up my fifteen minutes of fame, something which everyone supposedly gets.

Now that that's out of the way, I have to make a request to the media: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! I don't care about Susan Boyle's mental health and I don't care that Adam Lambert is gay. Can you please report on shit that actually matters? I'll even give you a head start. Here's a headline to wet your whistle: Populations Getting Dumber at Alarming Rate, Obsession With Non-News a Contributing Factor. Aaaaaand...GO!

See, I'm not one of those people who bawled their eyes out while watching Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" performance. Personally I don't think Susan Boyle made anyone cry. The video production department made people cry. The whole clip was produced like a feel-good movie. If you just sat Boyle down in a room and she sang to you one on one, I'll bet the only thing you'd think of is, "Damn, this guy has a good voice."

Sorry, cheap joke. The point I'm trying to make is that everyone needs to shut up about Idol winners and supposed inspirational people from talent shows. They're just people with good singing voices who end up releasing piss poor "music" that nobody listens to. I don't need to hear about them every fucking day. Gosh I can't wait until this Paul Potts movie I've been hearing about is released! Then I get to put up with more crying girls!

I'm tired of this bullshit.

The Dickhead From the Weekender Commercial

Seriously, do I even need to post the video? I'm pissed off just looking at this clown. Oh, all right.



The first reason I want to punch this guy every time I see him is because he literally looks like a dickhead, what with his bald head and his turtleneck. I've never heard of a cock wearing incredibly annoying glasses or sporting a five o'clock shadow, but there's a first for everything. Please, buddy, I don't care how you do it, but change your look somehow! Grow a skullet, grow a beard, get contact lenses, have a friend hit you in the face with a shovel a few times. Do what you need to do, but if I see your penis-like head in a turtleneck one more time, I'm going to go postal.

The other reason I want to shoot this man with a crossbow is because of the incredibly smug, douche-y way he speaks. When I watch this Weekender commercial I don't hear a man casually talking about a newspaper. I hear the muffled words of a man speaking from his upper digestive tract because he's got his head so far up his ass. This is the type of guy who lives alone in a high rise condo, drinks only super-expensive wine, owns a fluffy white cat, attends fine arts performances whenever possible, and uses the word "cultured" way too often when describing said performances.

I get the feeling this guy thinks he's better than me and everyone else on this planet. He seems like he likes to brag about how everything he owns is better than the shit I own. If I'm not drinking Dom Perignon and listening to eloquent Chopin compositions every night with dinner, I have no right to even live in the same city as him. Nor would I want to.

I just wish Dickhead would get off my TV screen and stop being so full of himself.

Cowboy Lawyers

Huh?! I know there are at least 2 versions of this commercial. You're pimping around watching TV (sorry, I just finished Threevening), commercials are on, another fucking lawsuit commercial comes up, everything's business as usual, and then WHAM! Buddy appears wearing a fucking cowboy hat?! Is this a joke?

He might as well just show up in a clown suit or a Power Rangers uniform. How can I ever be expected to watch a lawyer in a cowboy hat and take him seriously? I feel like his best method of winning a case is to bust out a lasso and hogtie everyone in the courtroom. He seems like he might have a very skewed understanding of how things work.

I picture court day as being quite routine until suddenly there's a huge crash and the courtroom doors explode open and there you see a snow-white stallion reared back on it's hind legs whinnying. Seated on it's back is Charles Binder wearing his cowboy hat, a pair of spurs, and a big gold star badge. He rides his horse up to the front without batting an eye, dismounts, ties his horse to the judge's bench, and declares "Let's begin, your Honour!"

I just can't take these Binder and Binder guys seriously. And it's not like I can pinpoint a reason why they're wearing cowboy hats in their commercials and I'm saying, "That's a dumb idea." I can't for the life of me figure it out. It just seems so random and unnecessary. Surely cowboy hats don't help these guys win cases and lawyers generally aren't known to don them. It's not like a guy playing a doctor on TV and wearing a white coat and stethoscope for credibility. The cowboy hat has no place in today's legal proceedings.

Now that I think of it though, I really would enjoy seeing someone one-up Binder and Binder and just do a whole commercial in Power Rangers costume. Perhaps that fat, pink, shapeless, bearded, beady-eyed Patrick Cox weirdo from the Tax Masters commercial.

Don't Forget the Lyrics

If you've never seen this horrible excuse for a TV show, consider yourself lucky. This has got to be hands-down, without question, one of the worst shows ever conceived in the history of time. I would beg on my knees for Two and a Half Men before I agreed to watch this pile of crap again.

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge the stunning marketing department who came up with such a knock-out title. Please. Don't Forget the Lyrics? It's like they gave one guy 5 seconds and no more to come up with a name for the show.
"Uh- uh- UH! DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS"
"Aaaaand time! There you have it folks, let's run with it!"

Well, on the plus side the title gives you fair warning of the intellect you're about to discover on the show when you sit down to watch. I think at this point I've seen somewhere in between 2 and 3 full episodes of the show and the contestants still haven't gotten any brighter. Every time it's these bottom-of-the-IQ-barrel, overly enthusiastic, airheads with big smiles on their faces. And boy, do they ever have great singing voices.

On to the content, once again I ask myself "Who the hell would ever want to watch this shit?" It's the same feeling I get with those fucking poker championship shows all over the tube. Why would anyone ever want to watch somebody else playing cards? In this case, why the fuck would you care to watch Fox's glammed-up version of your local bar's "Bad Karaoke Night"? The real thing is bad enough. This thing ain't even live and the people aren't even drunk. Where is the fun? In the money all the greedy assholes are after? Are you entertained by a bunch of glowing lights and scrolling text? Do you just like that hunk Wayne Brady? I don't get it.

I feel sorry for the clearly talented musicians on the show that have to be associated with this low-brow crap. Clearly they're good enough that they could be doing much better. These guys probably cry themselves to sleep every night.

Christ, there are better things on TV. Dancing With the Stars and Fox News, for instance.

Daniel Cook

Daniel Cook makes me nervous. I'm kind of glad I've never met him in person and I'll explain why:

THE WELL-BEING OF MY BALLS.

If you don't know who Daniel Cook is, he's this red-headed kid who's on TV from time to time. Possibly on PBS, I don't know. His show is called "This is Daniel Cook" and it's just one of those shows that I always seem to stumble upon for no particular reason. But the whole premise is that Daniel Cook experiences or learns something (making pizza, exercising, going to the dentist) in approximately 6 minutes or less.

Anyway, back to my balls and why Daniel Cook makes me nervous. Don't worry, it's not as bad as that sounded. Let me direct you to this clip here:

Will you look at how this kid behaves? I've been around kids like this and they scare the shit out of me. The kids with poor coordination. The kids that are always absent-mindedly jumping around and clumsily bumping into everything. Because it makes me feel like one way or another I'm going to take a shot in the balls if I hang around them for too long.

Daniel Cook is someone who seems like
a) he will run up to me, punch me square in the balls, and run away laughing loudly. He seems like that kind of kid. You know kids like this? The ones that think it's funny to biff people in the nads for no reason other than their own amusement? And they're so remorseless. These instances always end with a grown man crying and the kid cackling loudly like the little shit that he is.

b) he will accidentally hit me in the balls. Okay, so maybe Daniel Cook is not the type to purposely hit everyone he sees in the balls. That doesn't mean my balls are safe. Maybe I've watched too many episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos but I have this constant fear of approaching children while their backs are turned to me. I've seen way too many children dancing around and suddenly the left elbow flies wildly out and the poor sap standing behind the child ends up in the fetal position wishing for sweet, sweet death. Daniel Cook, to me, seems like the type of kid that dishes out accidental nut shots a little too regularly.

Now that's my balls. My other problem with Daniel Cook is...who is he and who the hell thought he deserved a TV show? Again, back to my traffic light argument. I can't seem to find any background info on Daniel Cook. So until I see something to change my mind, I don't know why he has any right to his own TV show. He doesn't seem to have done anything to earn it. The show is called "This is Daniel Cook" as if he was already a household name and we're supposed to know who he is.

I don't understand. Why Daniel Cook? There are tons of better kids out there to host shows. Kids that can put some enthusiasm into the reading of their title slides. Kids who aren't hyper as fuck in one shot and then bored to tears the next. Kids who aren't constantly glancing around the room as they talk to whichever adult "teacher" is on the show. Seriously, watch a few episodes of Daniel Cook and you'll see what I mean. He clearly recites a question written for him and then as it's being answered he pays attention to everything in the room except the speaker. You'd think by the age of 8 the little bastard would develop some basic interviewing skills. I mean, come on, what else would he be doing all day?

I don't think I have any other problems with Daniel Cook, just that he's too clumsy and uncoordinated and I'd fear for my balls if I were ever around him. But those things alone are enough to get Daniel Cook onto my list.

Two and a Half Men

I don't get how this show is still on. Maybe I just have a different sense of humour but I just don't find it funny. It seems very predictable and many jokes are cliche. It just seems weird when the audience roars with laughter over a gag that's been done by several other people before.

People talk a lot about how we're being dumbed down and although I don't think that right away when I watch other shows, I do constantly have "dumb show" at the front of my brain as I watch Two and a Half Men. And yeah, I get that some people turn on the TV to escape and not think too much, this show just seems to be taking that notion to an embarrassing level. It's really not a show for intellectuals, but rather for Linda, the overweight stay-at-home-mom from Wisconsin. She's a good, friendly person, but damn, every time she speaks you'd think she was born yesterday. Just duuumb.

As the years pass I pray that the kid's entry into adulthood will bring the show to a much needed series finale. I really hope in a few years he moves out. It would have to be then end then, right? Would anyone watch Two Men? Would anyone watch the spinoff, One Frat Dipshit (Yes, Another One...)? Would Charlie Sheen have the colossal balls to adopt some other unfortunate kid and start the series all over again? Surely that would be enough for even the dumb people to say, "Nope, not a chance. Officially jumped the shark." Is there any "reasonable" way to keep the show running after the kid moves out?

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I could really do without people who sing the theme song to Two and a Half Men. First of all it sounds like it was "envisioned" by thin, 40-something guys in suits who drink way too much Starbucks on a daily basis. Douchebags. And I say "envisioned" because saying it was written probably gives someone more credit than they deserve. Second, you're not funny or cute by singing it. All it says to me is that you're entertained by a mediocre show and for that you get no points!

This show is like the Disney Channel for adults. Same lack of intelligence and undeserved hype, just with less glitter and Jonas Brothers. Yeah, fuck the Jonas Brothers too.

Horatio Caine

If you have recently been watching television and decided that your normal schedule has been lacking 44-minute-long crime dramas, please consider the following in your quest to fill that void.

The lead character, Horatio Caine, in CSI: Miami is a huge tool and you will be subject to his toolery for a generous amount of time each time you watch.

I don't watch CSI: Miami for this reason among others. I like to avoid it if it's not completely necessary that I watch, which is pretty much always. I know people who are fans of the show though, so I've seen my share of Horatio Caine.

Let's start with the fact that Caine is probably the most smug asshole I know. The only comfort I take in this is the knowledge that he isn't real. But he struts around every crime scene like he's cock of the walk. Like he's coooool as a fucking cucumber.

He's always got this "I'm just too damn cool to show any semblance of the emotion of surprise" vibe going on. He seems to act like he's seen every crime thousands of times before and nothing phases him anymore. That alarms me because I saw one episode where a guy got beheaded and if this is something that investigators are getting used to, we've got a serious problem with the way our society is headed. I don't like knowing that one investigator in one city is getting used to seeing this shit, let alone having it become a nation-wide trend.

Next, he doesn't look like a guy who looks at blood-soaked rooms on a regular basis. He's a skinny, pink-skinned, red-headed fuck. He seems more like a mild-mannered guy with a wife and two kids and a job title like "technical engineer." He doesn't look like he would command a whole lot of authority. I feel like he only has authority because the TV tells me so. I want Dennis Hopper to come along and make him cry. Dennis Hopper's so cool.

Finally, the damn glasses. I may have figured this out though. You see, I believe that many years ago, before Horatio was born, his mom met a man. This man was a warlock (though not malicious) walking the earth in the guise of a human. The two fell madly in love and she became pregnant with twins. However, three months into the pregnancy she revealed to him that she was no longer in love with him, threw him out of the house, and told him that she did not want to see him again.

This broke his heart and he flew into a rage, casting an evil spell on her unborn children. One child, Horatio Caine was born with nothing where his genitals should have been, but with small sexual organs hidden behind his ears. The other child was born Tim Geithner.

Horatio kept his secret concealed extremely well and aside from his wife, doctor, and a few exes, not many people know. Like any other person, though, Horatio has sexual needs that he needs to satisfy and to do this discreetly he rubs his ear clits with his glasses.

And that is precisely why Horatio's arms are in a constant state of either putting his glasses on or removing them. However he doesn't realize that although nobody really knows why he does this, they still find it completely fucking annoying. It makes him look like he has sensitive eyes that can never decide on whether or not a setting is too bright. It makes him look like his eyes can only be exposed to natural sunlight for a few minutes before a mammoth migraine sets in.

So there you have it. I have told you about Horatio Caine. Use this 100% completely true absolute factual information wisely when you decide on which crime show to watch. And if you're thinking, "Gee, that's a little one sided. It's almost like he doesn't want me to watch CSI: Miami and Horatio Caine." well, guilty as charged.

Alas, the choice is yours. But if you choose Horatio I will fucking send Dennis Hopper after you to make you cry.

The Mythbusters

I don't want you to get the wrong idea now. I don't hate Mythbusters. I don't hate Adam and Jamie. The concept is great and the hosts are tolerable...in small doses. What I mean is that everyone you meet will have that one small thing about them that just gets on your nerves and today I'm on the Mythbusters.

Jamie: You guessed it. Goo goo g'joob. How do you eat with that thing, man? It's like a car wash for food. And let's give the beret a rest. Berets should only be worn by French artists living in empty apartments. If your soul is not broken as you paint grapes under a single pale yellow bulb, don't bother.

Adam: Calm the fuck down. Every time I see you you seem to have one emotion: peppy. If you're trying to counterbalance the utter monotony of your co-host, I get it. But watch it. Overdoing it is really irritating. You know how morning people annoy the piss out of people that just woke up because they're too god damn cheerful? To me, you come off as being that person 24 hours a day. Please "ease us into the morning", so to speak.

Thank you for the hours of entertainment, guys (about 5 1/2 so far)! I'll be a fan for life! Or at least until 3 months after you're canceled and I forget about your show. I just feel like the sooner we clear the air the sooner we can be the bestest of friends!

*cough*