Horatio Caine

If you have recently been watching television and decided that your normal schedule has been lacking 44-minute-long crime dramas, please consider the following in your quest to fill that void.

The lead character, Horatio Caine, in CSI: Miami is a huge tool and you will be subject to his toolery for a generous amount of time each time you watch.

I don't watch CSI: Miami for this reason among others. I like to avoid it if it's not completely necessary that I watch, which is pretty much always. I know people who are fans of the show though, so I've seen my share of Horatio Caine.

Let's start with the fact that Caine is probably the most smug asshole I know. The only comfort I take in this is the knowledge that he isn't real. But he struts around every crime scene like he's cock of the walk. Like he's coooool as a fucking cucumber.

He's always got this "I'm just too damn cool to show any semblance of the emotion of surprise" vibe going on. He seems to act like he's seen every crime thousands of times before and nothing phases him anymore. That alarms me because I saw one episode where a guy got beheaded and if this is something that investigators are getting used to, we've got a serious problem with the way our society is headed. I don't like knowing that one investigator in one city is getting used to seeing this shit, let alone having it become a nation-wide trend.

Next, he doesn't look like a guy who looks at blood-soaked rooms on a regular basis. He's a skinny, pink-skinned, red-headed fuck. He seems more like a mild-mannered guy with a wife and two kids and a job title like "technical engineer." He doesn't look like he would command a whole lot of authority. I feel like he only has authority because the TV tells me so. I want Dennis Hopper to come along and make him cry. Dennis Hopper's so cool.

Finally, the damn glasses. I may have figured this out though. You see, I believe that many years ago, before Horatio was born, his mom met a man. This man was a warlock (though not malicious) walking the earth in the guise of a human. The two fell madly in love and she became pregnant with twins. However, three months into the pregnancy she revealed to him that she was no longer in love with him, threw him out of the house, and told him that she did not want to see him again.

This broke his heart and he flew into a rage, casting an evil spell on her unborn children. One child, Horatio Caine was born with nothing where his genitals should have been, but with small sexual organs hidden behind his ears. The other child was born Tim Geithner.

Horatio kept his secret concealed extremely well and aside from his wife, doctor, and a few exes, not many people know. Like any other person, though, Horatio has sexual needs that he needs to satisfy and to do this discreetly he rubs his ear clits with his glasses.

And that is precisely why Horatio's arms are in a constant state of either putting his glasses on or removing them. However he doesn't realize that although nobody really knows why he does this, they still find it completely fucking annoying. It makes him look like he has sensitive eyes that can never decide on whether or not a setting is too bright. It makes him look like his eyes can only be exposed to natural sunlight for a few minutes before a mammoth migraine sets in.

So there you have it. I have told you about Horatio Caine. Use this 100% completely true absolute factual information wisely when you decide on which crime show to watch. And if you're thinking, "Gee, that's a little one sided. It's almost like he doesn't want me to watch CSI: Miami and Horatio Caine." well, guilty as charged.

Alas, the choice is yours. But if you choose Horatio I will fucking send Dennis Hopper after you to make you cry.