Acid: For Taking Dr. Seuss's Life

Today, March 2, 2009 would have been Dr. Seuss's 105th birthday had LSD not taken his life. So I present to you a brief history of Seuss's life as recounted by me in tribute.

Theodore Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss, dipshit), was born March 2, 1904 in the dank basement of an opium den in Springfield, Massachusetts. Growing up he was always kind of a pain in the ass. In the first week of kindergarten he broke into the art closet and dumped bottles of paint and sparkles all over himself, which then dripped onto the floor and they were never able to get it off.

In first grade, Teddy as he was now known, tried acid for the first time and proceeded to snip intricate geometric patterns into the classroom's curtains. He spent 8 weeks in detention and his parents paid for new curtains. During his incarceration in the principal's office Teddy started writing and lifting weights.

By college Teddy had completed a 2000 page epic that had been in the works since fifth grade. It was titled "Hathaway's Repentance" and critics agreed that it was better than Shakespeare and Dickens combined X 1000. However, they decided that the graphic sexual descriptions and Hathaway's gruesome suicide in the end made it too dangerous for the public and the manuscript was burned, remaining mostly unnoted in history.

This crushed Teddy and he began taking LSD on a daily basis, writing simple rhymes and drawing simple pictures. He grew a big beard and started wearing a top hat wherever he went. He had truly suffered a nervous breakdown after his big rejection and wanted repress the painful memories. He began referring to himself as Dr. Seuss and after 3 years of taking LSD daily and writing simple rhyming literature and drawing strange pictures, he began to get published.

His greatest recognition was perhaps during the late 50s/early 60s with such books as the Grinch, the Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Green Eggs and Ham, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Dr. Seuss began touring the world, doing interviews, signing books, and he continued to write. Many say he looked very spacy around this time, his eyes always kind of lost in the distance.

In the late 60s he published "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories". This title is questionable to some elites in the Seuss community. They speculate that "tiger" was a slang term for a tab of LSD, used within Seuss's hippie circle of friends. This may very well be true as Seuss commented during a 1970 interview on Dutch television, "Everything is just fucking shimmering all the fucking time, man. You dig? It's like...bwaaaaa...shhhhhhhwwwooop...you know? Ah...man..." After which, he got very philosophical with the interviewer and spoke for 4 hours and 45 minutes about Hop on Pop.

In 1971 Seuss wrote "The Lorax", about a creature which had been appearing on a few of his trips. This was during the peak of his environmental hippie protester phase and he felt he had to indoctrinate children with his nutty logic.

Seuss continued writing through the 70s and the early 80s popping out such gems as The Shape of Me and Other Stuff, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!, and Oh Say Can You Say? It was now very obvious to the world how severe Dr. Seuss's acid problem was. For years he had been writing silly rhymes and stories and drawing creatures and worlds that didn't exist and by this point he was drinking a pint of LSD with his toast each morning.

In 1990 he wrote the last of his books published before his death, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" It was mostly gibberish and the usual colourful worlds. But god damn it, we loved it just the same.

In early 1991 Seuss's health had declined immensely. He lived alone and mostly lay on his couch making noises to himself. This continued until September 24, 1991 when a neighbor found Seuss dead in his bathroom, naked in a bathtub full of LSD. The great Dr. Seuss had finally cashed out and taken the big trip in the sky.

So today I say "FUCK YOU, LSD, FOR TAKING THE LIFE OF DR. SEUSS!!!" Acid is bad, folks. If you take it you will die. Look what happened to Dr. Seuss. Such a great man. So young, so young...

Say no to acid.