Restaurant Birthday Songs

No joke, every single time I go to a restaurant I'm forced to sit through this horsecrap. There's always someone having a birthday and for 30 seconds my meal is interrupted by clapping and annoying singing.

This wouldn't be such an issue if this was one restaurant's way of celebrating. In fact it would be quite the novelty. But the fact is that every god damn mid-priced restaurant does the same thing. Kelsey's, Shoeless Joe's, Montana's, Swiss Chalet...
They all bring out 4 or 5 employees and start the clapping. Always with the fucking clapping. It's not original, just stop it.

If I owned a chain of restaurants I would make it mandatory to have one gigantic, fat-ass motherfucker to come out wailing on a tuba. That would be the most awesome thing ever. No more of this nervous glancing around when the clappies come out. People would be too busy laughing their asses off. Better yet, put Gigantor in a penguin costume. Then he can't play any notes you say? Fuck it. Just have him come out honking on the thing. What are you going to play on a tuba anyway?

Tell me that's not the greatest idea you've ever heard. Birthdays would be a laugh-riot at my fucking restaurant. No more employees ducking into the bathroom when the boss comes around to assemble a crappy-clappy birthday quartet. Everyone in the restaurant would be like "Oh man, Lenny's going out to blast a song? I gotta fuckin' see this!" God bless Lenny's fat penguin ass and kudos to him for being such a good sport.

But until I open my totally awesome restaurant I guess you're just going to have to live with,

"(clap, clap, clap, clap)
I don't know, but I've been told,
Someone here is getting old.
I see age spots from head to toe,
Birthday greets from Shoeless Joes!
Woooooooo!!!"

And yeah, I just wrote that wrote that now. You can use it if you want, but it sucks. Finally, if you really must do one of these stupid birthday songs, at least fake a little enthusiasm. Not like the morons in the video above who are pretty much back in the kitchen before the song is over. Sheesh.