Ticket Snubs

See what I did there in the title? Notice how I made today's topic a play on the term "ticket stub"? My own cleverness frightens me sometimes.

I'll start by explaining exactly what a ticket snub is. You ever hear of a performer coming to your town and think "All right! I gotta get tickets for this!"? So you ask a bunch of friends if they'd like to go and you end up with a list of people. You order the 5 tickets and all is groovy. And then fuckin' three days before the show you're getting pumped about it with everyone who's going and there's always the one asshole friend who chimes in with "Aaaaawww, shit man. Kayla's having a party that night and I told her I'd be there."

Fucking perfect. What am I supposed to do now? I'm not one to scalp. And I know I'm not going to get money for the unused ticket from my friend because a)he's constantly broke b)he's an asshole c)I'm too much of a fucking pushover.

I don't understand why some people think it's OK to accept an invitation and then blow it off when something better comes along. It's like the two childhood birthday parties that fall on the same day. Everyone wants to go to the rich kid's party because he's going to have a bouncing castle. Nobody wants to come to my party and have a piece of the scrumptious chocolate cake my mom made. My party's not crappy, the rich kid's party is just a little better, is all.

The worst kind of ticket snub is when the god damn performer snubs you. One time I had tickets to see one of my "fave bands EVAR!!!" Granted, 50% of the band was and is now dead because I listen to old-people bands, but I was still super-pumped. Then at the last minute they fucking cancelled the show. I had been waiting 3 years for them to come back to my hometown because I had missed them the last time and they cancel on me. I lay in bed for a week straight, starving myself as my whiskers grew.

The whole inspiration for this topic is, you guessed it, another asshole ticket snubbing me. I don't want anyone to think that I'm all complain and no solution though. I have ideas for shit, believe me. And so I've some up with a brief but handy guide for you to use in the event that you get ticket snubbed. No longer will your spare tickets go unused!

1) Put some tobacco on top of your ticket and roll it into a nice cigar. Damn, Alicia Keys really goes down smooth! It's no Partagas, but it's not horrible either. And for you "law abiding citizens" who go to big hippie music festivals, why not add a dash of herb? Wouldn't it be fun to smoke the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Or if smoking card is not your thing, at least save the ticket for roaches. Please use discretion though. I don't recommend this type of thing for Yo-Yo Ma concerts of presidential inaugurations.

2) If you're unlucky enough to end up with two unused tickets (my sympathies, you poor bastard), play Poohsticks. On a nice day take one of your friends who isn't an ass to a bridge with a creek flowing underneath and fire both tickets in together. Whichever ticket flows out the other side of the bridge first is the winner. You might need a spotter under the bridge though because with two identical tickets you might start throwing down when you can't figure out who won. It's not much, but it's slightly more fun than putting the tickets away in a drawer or throwing them in the trash.

3) Last but not least, my personal favourite. Kidnap the ticket snub in the night, tie him up, and take him to an empty, dimly-lit warehouse. Proceed to use the ticket to administer a nice papercut every 30 seconds on random areas of his body until he agrees to pay up or bleeds to death. Sounds cruel, I know, but hey, if the ticket was in his possession he probably wouldn't be receiving cuts from it.

Those are just a few ideas. I'm sure your creative mind can come up with some other delightful things. And finally, to anyone who has ever ticket snubbed me, I know exactly who you are, what the show was, and how much you owe me. I keep your name on a list beside my bed and curse silently to myself as I stare at it each night. And one day I will come to get you. One day I will walk up to your front door, rap gently 3-4 times and then ask politely if I can please have my money now. You won't know when but I will be there. And you won't like it. Mark my words.