Me

For being such a damn lamewad every St. Patrick's Day. The picture above is not me but the level of dorkiness encapsulated within matches mine.

Let's start with green clothes. I never intentionally set out to wear green clothes. I don't go to bed with tomorrow's completely green outfit resting at the foot of my bed ready to be worn. Every year, though, I find myself standing at my closet scratching my head like an idiot thinking, "Well...I'll wear green today...I guess..."

I'm not sure anyone really wants to wear green, they just sort of feel obliged to. It's not even that you'd feel like an ass if you didn't wear green. It's not like showing up to a funeral and being the only one wearing Crocs and acid-washed jeans. I think most people just throw on green because it's the one day of the year everyone will be wearing the same colour, it's no sweat off their back, and what the hell, "I can participate without even really doing anything."

So I always end up wearing the green clothes and the second I put them on I just kind of feel like a douche. To me it just seems like a really hokey thing that people do and I've chosen to involve myself. I then spend the rest of the day walking around listening to peoples' comments about how I'm wearing green. And I have to pretend like I'm in the spirit and that I actually think about Irish people more than one day a year.

Next is Guinness. I enjoy a nice Guinness beer. I feel ashamed buying Guinness on St. Patrick's Day though simply because it's so goddamn cliche. I feel like an Irish poser. Guinness beer on St. Pat's is so unoriginal and every brain-dead frat kid since ever has bought it on this most holiest of days. Again, it just seems like one of those things that people feel obliged to do. And it's one of those, "What the hell, it's only one day a year, I might as well" things.

I'm stating now that I'm not Irish, I'm wearing green, and I have Guinness waiting for me at home. I'm probably going to listen to a bunch of Irish shit on the way home from work and yes, I feel like a fucking moron for it.

Does anyone get really excited for St. Patrick's Day? I kind of think of it like those crazy girlies that got all wet over the Beatles in their early days. One girl starts screaming and then the rest of them get caught up in it and it's out of control. A lot of girls were just screaming because everyone else was.

I think most people just get excited about St. Patrick's Day because they think everyone else is excited about it. But no one really is. One guy talks to another and acts pumped about St. Pat's because he thinks he's supposed to. The other guy sees this enthusiasm and thinks everyone else is excited and therefore he must be to. So he talks to another guy and though he's not truly excited, he acts like he is. And it goes on and on and pretty soon the whole country is excited about St. Patty's Day even though they're not.

St. Patrick's Day excitement is a myth and I'm a tool for buying into these stupid little traditions that aren't even mine. I don't feel too bad about it though because there's a good chance you are too, you green-wearing, Guinness-guzzling poser!

Oh, and the next person I see wearing something that says "Kiss me, I'm Irish" is getting knocked right in the fucking mouth.