Marriage Ceremonies

Just so everyone knows where I'm coming from on this one, I feel I should start by saying a couple things.

1)I don't hate marriage or anyone who gets married
2)If I wasn't such an epic failure with women I'd gladly get married if the circumstances were right.

Marriage ceremonies, to me, fall into the "I don't get it" category. When you think about it, they really seems ridiculously pointless.

Two people are in love. The man goes out and buys a very expensive piece of metal and this somehow means that he loves her. Spending money on metal=love. Stay with me. He gets down on one knee (another tradition that seems to have make no fucking sense in today's society) and asks the girl to marry him. She starts going ape-shit (because she believes marriage is important for some reason).

They both go out and spend thousands of dollars on flowers, a church, a tuxedo, a dress that's impractical more than anything, dresses for other women, a cake, hors d'oeuvres, other food, a minister...do I need to go on? The point being they spend an absurd amount of money.

The dude at the front blabs for a bit using flowery language to make the ceremony seem more meaningful and less like the sham that it actually is. The bride and groom basically say "I love you" (something they've undoubtedly done countless times before) but more elaborately (vows). They kiss for some reason (again, something they've done many, many times before). They sign some shit, pose for photos, maybe get into a fancy car that they would have paid even more money for, go to a second place with the same people that were at the marriage ceremony, everyone dances and gets drunk and goes home.

Then the bride and groom wake up the next morning with a hangover and if they're smart, realize "Hey, this situation is kind of...exactly like...it was a week ago. I'm me, you're you, we live together and we're in love. Tell me....why the fuck did we spend all that money on all that shit?"

Really, why do we need marriage ceremonies? As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a legal thing, not a love thing. You shouldn't need to buy a bunch of shit to show someone you love them, which is all that marriage ceremonies are. The only thing you really need is the marriage certificate. Good. Go down to the courthouse, sign some shit, and get your certificate. That's what marriage should be. Not a bunch of flowery bullshit that doesn't mean anything. Love is love, my friend.

Marriage doesn't mean a damn thing except in a legal sense. It doesn't mean love and it certainly doesn't mean eternal fidelity. If it did, there wouldn't be so many divorces. So go ahead and get married. I would. But try to be realistic about the whole thing.

Me

For being such a damn lamewad every St. Patrick's Day. The picture above is not me but the level of dorkiness encapsulated within matches mine.

Let's start with green clothes. I never intentionally set out to wear green clothes. I don't go to bed with tomorrow's completely green outfit resting at the foot of my bed ready to be worn. Every year, though, I find myself standing at my closet scratching my head like an idiot thinking, "Well...I'll wear green today...I guess..."

I'm not sure anyone really wants to wear green, they just sort of feel obliged to. It's not even that you'd feel like an ass if you didn't wear green. It's not like showing up to a funeral and being the only one wearing Crocs and acid-washed jeans. I think most people just throw on green because it's the one day of the year everyone will be wearing the same colour, it's no sweat off their back, and what the hell, "I can participate without even really doing anything."

So I always end up wearing the green clothes and the second I put them on I just kind of feel like a douche. To me it just seems like a really hokey thing that people do and I've chosen to involve myself. I then spend the rest of the day walking around listening to peoples' comments about how I'm wearing green. And I have to pretend like I'm in the spirit and that I actually think about Irish people more than one day a year.

Next is Guinness. I enjoy a nice Guinness beer. I feel ashamed buying Guinness on St. Patrick's Day though simply because it's so goddamn cliche. I feel like an Irish poser. Guinness beer on St. Pat's is so unoriginal and every brain-dead frat kid since ever has bought it on this most holiest of days. Again, it just seems like one of those things that people feel obliged to do. And it's one of those, "What the hell, it's only one day a year, I might as well" things.

I'm stating now that I'm not Irish, I'm wearing green, and I have Guinness waiting for me at home. I'm probably going to listen to a bunch of Irish shit on the way home from work and yes, I feel like a fucking moron for it.

Does anyone get really excited for St. Patrick's Day? I kind of think of it like those crazy girlies that got all wet over the Beatles in their early days. One girl starts screaming and then the rest of them get caught up in it and it's out of control. A lot of girls were just screaming because everyone else was.

I think most people just get excited about St. Patrick's Day because they think everyone else is excited about it. But no one really is. One guy talks to another and acts pumped about St. Pat's because he thinks he's supposed to. The other guy sees this enthusiasm and thinks everyone else is excited and therefore he must be to. So he talks to another guy and though he's not truly excited, he acts like he is. And it goes on and on and pretty soon the whole country is excited about St. Patty's Day even though they're not.

St. Patrick's Day excitement is a myth and I'm a tool for buying into these stupid little traditions that aren't even mine. I don't feel too bad about it though because there's a good chance you are too, you green-wearing, Guinness-guzzling poser!

Oh, and the next person I see wearing something that says "Kiss me, I'm Irish" is getting knocked right in the fucking mouth.