Going Green

Aren't we done with this crap yet? Apparently "going green" is on it's second wind. See, this bullshit all started when Al Gore destroyed the world with An Inconvenient Truth. Well, it certainly was inconvenient.

This movie exploded and for months literally the only thing I heard anywhere was any variation of the terms "green", "environment", "global impact", and possibly "carbon footprint." "Carbon footprint" may have emerged later on. But either way, all this green talk was infuriating.

Then it seemed to disappear for a little while and I thought maybe the hype was over and people weren't as douche-y as they once were. I guess I was wrong. I don't know if it's just because Earth Day was yesterday or if this environmental crap is gaining momentum again, but last week as I worked 9-5 and read the daily commuters' paper, I noticed every second article was about going green and reducing carbon footprints.

Now, it's not going green itself that annoys me, but it's 3 main things that seem to have come with the idea that do it.

1) People won't shut the fuck up about it. As I mentioned before about the daily paper on the subway, there's entirely too much green talk. If you want to waste your time saving the planet, be my guest, but please don't talk. I don't care about your hippie suggestions for me, I don't care about how you think I'm evil because I'm "not doing my part", I just don't care. Shut up. There is honestly no way to use "going green" in a positive way without sounding like a full-blown douche. It's an over-used expression like "tough economic times" and it sounds like it originated from rich, trendy, pompous white people.

2) People take it way too seriously. If you've read up until this point, you probably think I hate the planet. I don't. I throw my water bottles in the recycling just like the next guy. I don't go hucking trash bags into wetlands just for the fun of it. But I also don't go out of my way to ensure that every tiny little detail of my life is environmentally friendly.

Have you heard about green weddings? Not that I'm implying that getting married is a tiny little detail of life, but come on. Just have the fucking wedding and get it over with. One wedding is not going to destroy the planet, nor will several. It's just dumb. I'm curious to know, actually, if hookers are advertising themselves as "enviro-safe" to maximize on the "going-green dollar"...

2) People don't seem to realize that we're not going to be here forever. I don't know why everyone seems to think that humans are the only species to ever walk on earth, the planet has always looked this way, has always been the same temperature, and we'll be here forever without change and the planet will never, ever, ever change. It will always be exactly how it is right now. Were you born yesterday.

You know what I hope for? A giant asteroid. I hope it gets discovered tomorrow -- no, today. And in one week, they'll say, it'll crash right into the Canadian/U.S. border (just because we're the biggest douches on the planet) and wipe out 99.9 percent of species on earth. And everyone will be hanging around in the afterlife and I'll pipe up and declare, "Ha! How do like your environment now, you morons?"

If the earth gets to the point where humans can't survive (which it will some way or another regardless of whether or not you drive a Prius), fine. Humans aren't that important. Eventually we'll become another chapter in the history of the world. We'll become extinct and other life will evolve and hopefully it won't be nearly as dumb and self-centred as we are.

That's my opinion on this going green bullshit and I realize and accept that you might think I'm evil just because I have a different opinion than Al Gore and the mob of zombies that have chosen to follow him (everyone except me apparently).

But fuck you. I didn't waste any paper today writing this entry. And I just might skip showering today to save water. And forget flushing the toilet and wiping. Just more things wasted. So call me evil all you want, but I do my part for the environment in alternative ways. I may smell like shit, but I'm not a bad person.

Me

For being such a damn lamewad every St. Patrick's Day. The picture above is not me but the level of dorkiness encapsulated within matches mine.

Let's start with green clothes. I never intentionally set out to wear green clothes. I don't go to bed with tomorrow's completely green outfit resting at the foot of my bed ready to be worn. Every year, though, I find myself standing at my closet scratching my head like an idiot thinking, "Well...I'll wear green today...I guess..."

I'm not sure anyone really wants to wear green, they just sort of feel obliged to. It's not even that you'd feel like an ass if you didn't wear green. It's not like showing up to a funeral and being the only one wearing Crocs and acid-washed jeans. I think most people just throw on green because it's the one day of the year everyone will be wearing the same colour, it's no sweat off their back, and what the hell, "I can participate without even really doing anything."

So I always end up wearing the green clothes and the second I put them on I just kind of feel like a douche. To me it just seems like a really hokey thing that people do and I've chosen to involve myself. I then spend the rest of the day walking around listening to peoples' comments about how I'm wearing green. And I have to pretend like I'm in the spirit and that I actually think about Irish people more than one day a year.

Next is Guinness. I enjoy a nice Guinness beer. I feel ashamed buying Guinness on St. Patrick's Day though simply because it's so goddamn cliche. I feel like an Irish poser. Guinness beer on St. Pat's is so unoriginal and every brain-dead frat kid since ever has bought it on this most holiest of days. Again, it just seems like one of those things that people feel obliged to do. And it's one of those, "What the hell, it's only one day a year, I might as well" things.

I'm stating now that I'm not Irish, I'm wearing green, and I have Guinness waiting for me at home. I'm probably going to listen to a bunch of Irish shit on the way home from work and yes, I feel like a fucking moron for it.

Does anyone get really excited for St. Patrick's Day? I kind of think of it like those crazy girlies that got all wet over the Beatles in their early days. One girl starts screaming and then the rest of them get caught up in it and it's out of control. A lot of girls were just screaming because everyone else was.

I think most people just get excited about St. Patrick's Day because they think everyone else is excited about it. But no one really is. One guy talks to another and acts pumped about St. Pat's because he thinks he's supposed to. The other guy sees this enthusiasm and thinks everyone else is excited and therefore he must be to. So he talks to another guy and though he's not truly excited, he acts like he is. And it goes on and on and pretty soon the whole country is excited about St. Patty's Day even though they're not.

St. Patrick's Day excitement is a myth and I'm a tool for buying into these stupid little traditions that aren't even mine. I don't feel too bad about it though because there's a good chance you are too, you green-wearing, Guinness-guzzling poser!

Oh, and the next person I see wearing something that says "Kiss me, I'm Irish" is getting knocked right in the fucking mouth.