Haiku

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

Lady Gaga, LeBron James, Justin Bieber, the Cast of Jersey Shore, and TV News

Yesterday I made the huge mistake of turning on the TV. I don't watch television very often, the main reason being that I usually find myself dialing the suicide hotline after a minute or two. I honestly can't figure out how the average person watches between 3 and 8 hours of this parade of shit EVERY DAY! As one of my heroes George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" So let's begin.

Lady Gaga: Please! Please! Stop writing news articles for every fucking little thing this bitch does! I don't care! I don't! She's just another singer with shitty "music". If you're into this whole Gaga thing, I'm truly asking you to tell me what everyone's so hyped about because I truly don't get it. I just want to have some grasp on what everyone likes about this cunt so I can complain appropriately. I just don't get it at all, though.

Do people find her hot? Is it the whole man/woman thing? I'm so utterly out of touch with youth values and interests. Surely it can't be the music. Whatever it is, stop reporting on and talking about her! She's just another mediocre hack.

Justin Bieber: Speaking of hacks. Is this little shit supposed to be the new voice of the youth or something? First of all his haircut looks like a homosexual cat got run over and turned into a wig and I don't know why everyone's so gaga over it (aaaw, sheet!). Second of all, make songs that aren't total balls or go back to Stratford.

LeBron James: Following sports stars is for fat, middle-aged, sales reps who have pissed half their life away working for the same boss who doesn't appreciate them. They own small, affordable sports cars and have wisps of gray in their hair and they need something, anything to distract them from how shitty their own lives are. They're under the impression that televised sports actually matter and dedicate their lives to a team. Soon they become sports experts and annoy the hell out of people like me, who are right about everything.

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Personally, I can't wait until "The Situation" and Snooki are old and fat and look like a couple of leather purses. Or maybe they won't make it to old age. Maybe they'll all die from "drama overdose". Maybe one of them will have a heart attack because somebody told them their tan was uneven. Maybe a couple of them will fall into a well and die of starvation because they can't think straight without their hair product and 300 dollar shirts.

I say we pull funding for their rinky-dink little show and pump it into the education system. What an ironic little twist that would be.

TV News: I actually find it kind of cute that you guys still take yourselves seriously. That's so adorable! I think it's so cutting edge of you to form your business model around the old "if a thousand monkeys" theory. If you keep jabbering on 24 hours of the day, eventually you'll say something intelligent and relevant to something.

And your on-screen graphics? Those scrolling tickers and the everlasting stock market window? Your holograms and your word clouds? Man, you guys just must have so much information you're just bursting at the seams! You just need a way to get it all out there!

I simply love your casual little banter and joking between anchors too! You guys are so down to earth, just like me! I can totally see that you guys aren't the uptight news snobs I thought you were. We're all just having fun, but staying informed at the same time as one big family!

Hahaha, I defs LOVE you guys, but...go fuck yourselves, lol!


My solution? Guillotine all of these people and everyone under the age of 20. The heads can be auctioned off to those "hip grandmother" types who still connect with today's youth and want Lady Gaga's head. We then guillotine those people and use their heads as soccer balls in the next FIFA "spectacle". We then guillotine all the FIFA players and hire the heads as the new anchors for Fox News, where nothing will really change.

Fox News will then recommend we guillotine everyone to prevent terrorism and America will agree because "how many planes have you seen crash into buildings since everyone was guillotined? See? It's working."

Now I don't know what's more stupid: this entry or the very people I'm complaining about.

G20 Special: Violent Protesters

So the G20 summit has officially reached Toronto's downtown core and with it comes comes a tribe of highly employable, jabbering dickweeds. No, it's not the politicians I'm talking about. I mean Dick and Jane Windowpopper.

I'm all for protesting and speaking out for what you believe in. When I see people damaging property and basically causing shit, though, I have to wonder what these idiots are thinking. They appear to be trying to communicate with us. Perhaps their hemmorrhoids have flared up.

I really don't understand the logic in smashing windows.

"Now that a massive protest is occurring, I now have an excuse to engage in juvenile behaviour and most likely get away scot-free! I shall hurl a newspaper box through a Starbucks window. That will tell the world that as an individual I am opposed to any one of the following: Obama, Harper, police, capitalism, Israel, Palestine, 9/11, deodorant, frappuccinos, or intact glass panes. Bitchin'!"

Let's think about this now. If you're opposed to the summit, why are you destroying the front of a building that does not contain the people meeting? If you're opposed to the store or corporations or something like that, you're not doing anything by breaking a couple of windows. Business will go on after you've left. All you've succeeded in doing is piss off a storeowner and create a job for a window installer. Finally, if you're breaking the windows just for the sake of breaking shit, well, you're just an asswipe.

And what's all this I'm hearing about demonstrators being avoidant of the media? Now I'm to understand that you want to draw more attention to your message but you don't actually want to tell anyone what your message is? Alright...

Shit's getting real here and you're not helping.

Marriage Ceremonies

Just so everyone knows where I'm coming from on this one, I feel I should start by saying a couple things.

1)I don't hate marriage or anyone who gets married
2)If I wasn't such an epic failure with women I'd gladly get married if the circumstances were right.

Marriage ceremonies, to me, fall into the "I don't get it" category. When you think about it, they really seems ridiculously pointless.

Two people are in love. The man goes out and buys a very expensive piece of metal and this somehow means that he loves her. Spending money on metal=love. Stay with me. He gets down on one knee (another tradition that seems to have make no fucking sense in today's society) and asks the girl to marry him. She starts going ape-shit (because she believes marriage is important for some reason).

They both go out and spend thousands of dollars on flowers, a church, a tuxedo, a dress that's impractical more than anything, dresses for other women, a cake, hors d'oeuvres, other food, a minister...do I need to go on? The point being they spend an absurd amount of money.

The dude at the front blabs for a bit using flowery language to make the ceremony seem more meaningful and less like the sham that it actually is. The bride and groom basically say "I love you" (something they've undoubtedly done countless times before) but more elaborately (vows). They kiss for some reason (again, something they've done many, many times before). They sign some shit, pose for photos, maybe get into a fancy car that they would have paid even more money for, go to a second place with the same people that were at the marriage ceremony, everyone dances and gets drunk and goes home.

Then the bride and groom wake up the next morning with a hangover and if they're smart, realize "Hey, this situation is kind of...exactly like...it was a week ago. I'm me, you're you, we live together and we're in love. Tell me....why the fuck did we spend all that money on all that shit?"

Really, why do we need marriage ceremonies? As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a legal thing, not a love thing. You shouldn't need to buy a bunch of shit to show someone you love them, which is all that marriage ceremonies are. The only thing you really need is the marriage certificate. Good. Go down to the courthouse, sign some shit, and get your certificate. That's what marriage should be. Not a bunch of flowery bullshit that doesn't mean anything. Love is love, my friend.

Marriage doesn't mean a damn thing except in a legal sense. It doesn't mean love and it certainly doesn't mean eternal fidelity. If it did, there wouldn't be so many divorces. So go ahead and get married. I would. But try to be realistic about the whole thing.

Cowboy Lawyers

Huh?! I know there are at least 2 versions of this commercial. You're pimping around watching TV (sorry, I just finished Threevening), commercials are on, another fucking lawsuit commercial comes up, everything's business as usual, and then WHAM! Buddy appears wearing a fucking cowboy hat?! Is this a joke?

He might as well just show up in a clown suit or a Power Rangers uniform. How can I ever be expected to watch a lawyer in a cowboy hat and take him seriously? I feel like his best method of winning a case is to bust out a lasso and hogtie everyone in the courtroom. He seems like he might have a very skewed understanding of how things work.

I picture court day as being quite routine until suddenly there's a huge crash and the courtroom doors explode open and there you see a snow-white stallion reared back on it's hind legs whinnying. Seated on it's back is Charles Binder wearing his cowboy hat, a pair of spurs, and a big gold star badge. He rides his horse up to the front without batting an eye, dismounts, ties his horse to the judge's bench, and declares "Let's begin, your Honour!"

I just can't take these Binder and Binder guys seriously. And it's not like I can pinpoint a reason why they're wearing cowboy hats in their commercials and I'm saying, "That's a dumb idea." I can't for the life of me figure it out. It just seems so random and unnecessary. Surely cowboy hats don't help these guys win cases and lawyers generally aren't known to don them. It's not like a guy playing a doctor on TV and wearing a white coat and stethoscope for credibility. The cowboy hat has no place in today's legal proceedings.

Now that I think of it though, I really would enjoy seeing someone one-up Binder and Binder and just do a whole commercial in Power Rangers costume. Perhaps that fat, pink, shapeless, bearded, beady-eyed Patrick Cox weirdo from the Tax Masters commercial.

Weird-Ass Baby Names

Is it just me or have celebrities gone clinically insane? I can let the occasional Candy or Trixie go. I still think they're kind of weird shortened versions of normal names (Candice and Beatrix) and they sound incredibly stripper-y, but I can let them slide. Some of these celebrity baby names though...good fucking gravy.

How can anyone think Fifi Trixibell or Pilot Inspektor is a good name for a kid? It's a good thing that these people are famous and have a lot of money because holy shit, are they going to be spending a fortune on their kid's therapy. I have a friend who shares his name with a famous gay musician and he's told me more than once how annoying it is to be associated with this musician ALL THE TIME despite the fact that he makes good music (or so I think). The funny thing is, my friend wasn't even named after this musician. It's just a rare enough name that people associate it with just this one musician.

It's kind of like being named Elvis when your parents weren't even fans of Presley. They just liked the name. But who else is named Elvis besides Presley and Stojko? Nobody. So you're stuck with people associating you with them for the rest of your life. I'm getting a little off-topic here though.

I mean, are you thinking of the kid when you name it something completely stupid? Maybe you think it's funny and cute, but how funny and cute is it going to be when li'l Hopper goes a-hopping right off the top of a building because he just can't take one more fucking day of all the tormenting?

Really, if you want to be clever and creative, paint a picture and come up with one of your dumbass names for it. But don't take it out on the poor little fuck. Tired of Jim and John and Mike and Mary and Stephanie? Fine. Don't get stupid about it. Name them one of these old-fashioned names that has gone out of style. Walter, Bertha, Priscilla, Milton, Abraham, Betty, Charles, Edwin, Harriet, Martha, Gene, Henry, Grace. Sensible names and they stand out because everyone else thinks Madison and Dylan are clever names. They're not.

I have to say though that Penn Jillette named his daughter something that truly made me laugh even though it's still dumb: Moxie CrimeFighter. It's almost like he himself thinks these over-the-top names are completely insane and wanted to satirize them by saying "You think Apple and Brooklyn are good? Check this shit out!" It sounds like a saucy superheroine's name. Clearly it's just Penn's humour but Bluebell Madonna (Geri Halliwell's kid) is not humour. It's just an empty-skulled has-been who thinks she's naming her daughter something precious and unique. Well, it's sickening.

All I'm trying to say is that shrooms and child-naming don't always mix.

Ghost Ridin' Da Whip

Dayum! Is "dayum" still relevant? Regardless, ghost riding is yet another aspect of "urban culture" that I simply do not get.

You put your vehicle in cruise control at 5-7 km/h, exit your vehicle, walk beside it dancing like a complete prick (grabbing your crotch with one hand and swinging the other hand in the air like you just don't care), and somehow you're badass. How? It's not that hard to do. It's just that most people don't because they understand how completely pointless it is.

This would be so much easier to rip into if I actually understood why people think this is cool. But I just don't get it. It's not like you're showing off an amazing talent that few people have. You're engaging in a meaningless activity and labelling it as cool.

This behaviour is nothing new, may I remind you. People were ghost riding 100 years ago too. Back then it was referred to as "leading your horse." If you maybe wanted to have a conversation with someone without shouting down to them like they were a peasant, you'd get off your horse and walk beside him leading him by the reins. Of course, back in those days, if you fucked it up the horse wouldn't crash itself into a ditch.

Don't you just love that?! When these 17-year old ghost riders realize their car is on a collision course and they don't quite make it back in time. I love seeing them pay the price for their stupidity. It always ends with the car facing sideways, well off the road or crashed into a pole. Likewise, it always ends with the pea-brained driver doing one of these numbers only without the helmet. Needless to say, they probably should be wearing one at all times.

What can I say though? When you finally fuck up your car really good or get your license suspended for being completely irresponsible, enjoy the scooter!

Obama Chia Pets

The Obama Chia Pet is in the news because it's being pulled from Wallgreens stores supposedly because it's racist. It is racist. I don't see how anyone can think otherwise. This hate-toy should not only be pulled from shelves, it should be straight up outlawed. What kind of person thinks this is harmless?

Today I waited on hold for my lawyer trying to see if I have a case against McDonalds because I ate their food and I got fat. As I waited, I sent several angry letters to my MP urging him to ban Harry Potter books. They encourage children to practice witchcraft and if you can't see that, you're an idiot. I had Fox News on in the background and I almost missed the Obama Chia Pet story, being so engrossed in my important affairs.

But when I saw Obama's orange head on my TV with green shrubbery coming from the scalp, I was just livid. This is unacceptable. Am I supposed to just laugh this off? How dare you speak condescendingly to me when I take outrage to the fact that Chia has made a Pet that reflects Obama's and millions of other black peoples' natural hair type.

This is racism at it's finest. If I had made an Obama Chia Pet I would at least have the common courtesy to give him a mohawk and not draw attention to his actual hairstyle: short and wiry. This is just plain racist and it's baloney.

What kind of message does this send to my kids? That it's perfectly okay to create likenesses of the U.S. President and be completely realistic about it? I think not. I will not have my children running around in a world of truth. If they aren't outraged, they aren't paying attention.

I just thank God I have a lot of time on my hands or nobody would ever notice this unbelievably hateful toy. Thank God there are people like me who bring things like this to everyone else's attention. I'm dumbfounded by the number of people that just don't care though. They should be thanking me and kissing my feet. I'm doing God's work and most people tell me to shut up. I hate ignorant people.

Sorry I have to scram so soon, but I have an anti-homosexuality rally I simply must be at. You're welcome.

Flat-brimmed Hats

If Bizarro World actually does exist, I'm quite sure I've unknowingly ventured into it at some point in my life. The tip off would have to be flat-brimmed baseball caps and if they never came to be, I'd never have known.

Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, if you had the balls to pull this crap off, your ass would be kicked before second period was through. Flat-brimmed caps were the fashion statement that announced to your peers, "Look at me! I'm a complete square! Fresh meat, right here!"

When I was a kid, this was your baseball cap and often times it looked even worse. If you weren't rocking a torn-up, sweat-stained, dirty Leafs cap with a curve that looked that the top of a coffee mug, you weren't cool.

But time passed and urban/hip hop culture prevailed and here we are in an era where this shit is the bee's knees. When I was 10, black kids didn't even wear hats. Then again, I live in the whitest town in Canada. But now every unenlightened Soulja Boy wannabe is walking around with these fashion atrocities on their heads. I mean, if flat-brimmed hats are an undisputed absolute necessity in our stupid world, give 'em to the black kids. They still look ridiculous wearing them, but they pull it off a thousand times better than any white kid. White kids wearing flat-brimmed hats are a sure sign that inbreeding is running rampant in our society. I can think of no other reason for this shit.

I must be getting older. When I was a teenager, I didn't understand teenagers. At this point I understand them even less. I understand that they do these things to be cool and fashionable, but I don't understand WHY people find these things cool. Why is no curve in your hat cool? Why are spotless, white shoes cool? Why are grills cool? Grills, holy fuck. If it takes you five minutes for you to explain to me why flat-brimmed hats are fashionable, it's going to take you about 9 days to get grills through my head.

This is actually starting to make my head spin so I'm just going to go ahead and blame Soulja Boy. I'm lazy and I need a scapegoat. So screw you, Soulja Boy, you're the reason our kids are so fucking goofy looking. While I'm at it, I'll blame the economy on you too, for no particular reason. I'm sick of thinking of that as well so I might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Sports "Experts"

I was downtown riding the subway last night minding my own business, when all of a sudden the doors slide open and I realize immediately that a hockey game has just ended at the Air Canada Centre. Hoards of loud, drunken, semi-intelligent, 20-something alpha-males pile on board and my quiet night vanishes.

"Here we go again," I thought, "give it about 7 seconds before any hint of intellectual conversation that might have been happening on this train is drowned out by this mob of hockey know-it-alls." Was I correct, you ask? Come on now, of course I was! I'm never wrong.

I just don't understand the appeal of sports talk. Some people can go on and on and on forever talking about something as trivial as a game. I'm looking in your direction, TSN. How can they do this and why would they want to? My God, just enjoy the game and move on with your life. I don't need hours of post-game commentary. Trust me, you're not doing me any favours by rattling off a bunch of scores and player names and sports jargon as I sit there gaping at you, trying to figure out what the hell you're talking about. It's just not important, Brock, it's just not important.

Remember, I'm talking about post-game here. I haven't touched on these walking sports encyclopedias that won't keep their comments to themselves during the game. God, if you do exist, I'm sorry I ever doubted your existence, yada, yada, but I beg you to make these people shut...the fuck...UP! Every 8 seconds, for Pete's sake, they've got to chime in with some meaningless piece of information about a random player.

And I think deep down they know it's meaningless. But they spout off these short bits of trivia anyway because they think other people will hear them and think, "Boy, this guy really knows his stuff." It's a status thing, nothing more. They won't admit it, but I think deep down all they want is for their dumb buddies to get on the phone with ESPN and rave. "Have you heard of my buddy? He really knows a lot about football. He does critiques of different plays and posts them on Youtube. They get ranked pretty high every time. He's really good. Can I give you his Youtube address?...Hello?...Hello?"

Just go home. You're not impressing anyone. Put the beer mug down, hang up the Cheeto-stained jersey, and get a damn job, Brock.

Co-workers Who Seem to Think Being at Work is Optional

I don't understand the logic. Maybe it's because we work a fairly low-maintenance job. They think being there for a shift is unnecessary. I got a call from a co-worker tonight saying he got tied up with some stuff and wouldn't be in.

Hello? I believe you accepted a job. Not an "I'll show if it doesn't interfere with my other plans" gig. Another person I work with has left 3 hours early the past two Saturdays to go visit her father in the hospital because visiting hours end at 8pm. Again, hello? I'm sorry your dad is in the hospital but you're supposed to be working a job. You find time to visit him when you're not supposed to be at work. That's fundamentally how a job works. She would routinely leave early in the winter if the weather got bad outside because she had to drive a while to get home. I've got news. I drive an hour to get home from work and I'm always there to the end of my shift.

It's a boring job sometimes, but you're being paid to do it. You base your plans on when you have to work, you don't base when you work on what your plans are. I feel paranoid leaving a half-hour early on the rare occasions that I do it, hoping my boss won't show up 10 minutes after I've left and see I'm not there. A half hour (or less) is different than 3 hours though and everything that needs to be done is done before I leave.

Fuck 'em though. If they get caught and their ass gets canned they brought it on themselves. I'm not picking up any slack for them. It's just the principle that gets to me. Work is work. It's not optional. If work ruins your plans you show up and bitch about it like everyone else. You might be in a bad mood but, hey, at least you can say you're responsible.

People Who Send Weird Al Song Ideas

I've never met someone who has sent Weird Al a song idea. I have never met anyone who has considered sending Weird Al a song idea. I know there are people out there who do and have though because Weird Al's website states more than once "Do not send Weird Al song parodies!"

I don't understand this. For two reasons.

1) Creative artists are not Wikipedia. They are not to be used as a means to channel the collected ideas of thousands of people into one product. Weird Al has been a respected parody for decades because he used his own brain to come up with his own ideas using his own humour. Not because he took your advice and did a Girlicious parody for you.

I'm somewhat of a creative artist. Meaning I started a blog, tried to be funny, and assumed I deserved a more important title than "random blogger". Whatever. The point is, I come up with my own ideas using my own brain and my own humour so I know Weird Al's situation. At least I would if people were sending hordes of entry ideas to my inbox. You appreciate that people enjoy your work but you're not interested in writing about something just because someone brought it up.

There's a reason that programs run for an extended period of time on television. They have writers. Writers work for the show and it's their job to make the show flow, keep it entertaining, and keep it consistent. Friends wouldn't have been Friends if they kept taking audience suggestions every week.
"Me and my boys really like Escalades. Can Rachel drive an Escalade for me?"
And then next week. "Me and my girlfriends really like Porsches. Can Rachel drive an Porsche for me?"

The show would end up being "6 People in a Completely Unrelated Situation From Last Week". You can't just take a bunch of crap suggestions and churn them out at random. It doesn't work. Well, I shouldn't say never. Family Guy's doing OK.

Weird Al has lasted for so long because people appreciate his wit, not other peoples'.

2) Hey, genius, here's an idea. If your song idea is so good, why not record it yourself? Why would you write an awesome song and then send it to someone who already has a ton of awesome songs released, denying yourself of almost all credit. If Weird Al took your song idea and recorded it, what would you get? For an idea, probably nothing. If Weird Al used lyrics that you wrote, you'd get a credit in the liner notes....which nobody will see because most people under the age of 70 download all their music and therefore would not get liner notes to begin with.

And even if someone bought the CD, what are the chances they are going to read all the liner notes? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll see your writing credit and remember it? And of those chances, what are the chances they'll give a flying fuck about who you are?

Why not record your awesome song on your own and if it's so great (because apparently it's good enough for Weird Al), people will love you and you'll become the next big parody and you'll have tons more than a crappy little writing credit in Weird Al's liner notes.

But maybe I'm just greedy.