Haiku

I'm going to dive right into the meat of things:

Fuck you, Haiku! You're not real poetry!

I had to learn this Haiku crap in school and I could never understand it. I mean, I understood how to do it, but I could never understand why this was considered poetry.

It's like reading something from a fortune cookie, but instead of telling you "Good things will come your way" the writer just wanted to be cryptic and confuse the hell out of you.

A poem is supposed to be descriptive and flowing. Haikus are just a few random words that happen to fit the mathematical syllabic scheme. I've got a good poem:

Please blow me, Haiku
Five, seven, five is stupid
Rot in hell, jerkoff.

Limericks are way better anyway.

I once fucked a chick named Gertie
Her age was a hundred and thirty
I wrote a Haiku
She told me it blew
Lim'ricks are fun 'cause they're dirty

You know what? Fuck poetry altogether.

With a few exceptions, poetry is just some guy or girl stringing together a bunch of big, descriptive words so that they sound intellectual. Fuck these people who think they're poets just because they have a vocabulary. Their poems are total nonsense and if you call them on it, they just say you're interpreting it wrong or you don't get it.

Anyway, back to Haiku. The Japanese are probably laughing at us North Americans. They probably know that Haiku is a bunch of bull and they're just pretending to take it seriously as a goof because they know that idiots on this side of the world will think that because it's foreign it's worldly and exotic and cultural and sophisticated. And god knows we've got enough people over here who wear kimonos on a regular basis thinking they're the bee's knees because they're "worldly and exotic." Even though they've never left the country.

So fuck you, Haiku! Come back when your so called "poem" can incorporate more than just a handful of words!

The Obama "Hope" Poster and the Zillions of Take-Offs On It

This update would have been more relevant several months ago, so sue me.

The original "Hope" poster just slightly irritates me because personally I find it really hard to look at. It's just ugly. The colour scheme is just awful. It's like they chose a four year old to pick out the colours and decided beforehand that they'd just run with whatever colours the kid randomly picked. The two main shades just don't match properly. It looks like barf.

Then you've got all the parodies and personalized "Hope" posters. I've done some research and what I've concluded is that 100% of them are not funny. Nor are they cute or original. People seem to think they're being clever by making a "Hope" poster with their own face on it. They're not. All they've managed to do is take a sensible, attractive photo of themselves and turn it into a bland, ugly piece of dog shit.

I studied the "Hope" poster for a long time last night trying to figure out what the hell the big deal was. I was just about to give up and throw it in the garbage, but I thought I'd give my backup theory a go, though I was pretty sure it would be a flop. So I went out and I bought a pair of those cheap red and blue 3D glasses that are made of cardboard and I put them on. Alas, I was right. My 3D Obama theory didn't work either. The president was still as two dimensional as the idiots crying and shrieking "Yes We Can!" at the inauguration.

All I'm trying to say is, stop making ugly rip-offs of ugly posters. If you're going to choose such a terrible colour scheme, I jolly well better be getting some eye-popping 3D action from it. End of story.

Mr. Lube

For being such a goddamn rip off. I took my truck there for an oil change today and now I have $12 in my bank account. My truck has problems and now I can't afford to fix them. This is bullshit. I can't be bothered to complain at length about this.

Fuck Mr. Lube, fuck the assholes that work there, and fuck my finncial situation. Oh and fuck their shitty little Lube Club or whatever it is that I'm somehow a member of. Did I drive to Mr. Lube blind drunk one night and sign up for their club? Not that I can recall. But somehow I'm a part of their Lube Club. Who the hell wants to be part of a lube club besides twisted sexual deviants?

Fuck my life.