Missing a Friend's Birthday Party

I'm a lonely guy to begin with. I don't have many friends and rarely do I spend time with the few that I have. I mean, I rant online every day, is it that much of a surprise? So when someone calls me to hang out I try to do everything I can to make it work, which is hard with the unusual hours that I work.

A couple weeks ago my friend/bandmate informed me of a birthday party he was hosting for himself, which happened to be today. Since I work every Saturday night I did my best to get some time off and I succeeded in getting half of my shift off (7pm-11pm were supposed to be a non-issue for me). That was until yesterday, when I was given a special task.

"No biggie," I thought, "I'll still be able to leave by 7, 7:30 at the latest." Boy was I wrong. The special task ended up dragging on for-fucking-ever and I didn't finish until nearly 10:00. Since it would take me close to an hour to get to my friend's house, the birthday party ended up being a fucking write-off. FUCK!

Why today, man, why today? All year I've spent each Saturday doing fuck all at work because Saturday's are just like that here. The one time when I actually get to have a social life I get sprung with bullshit which completely denies me that opportunity. Woe is me.

All I wanted to do was drink a couple beers, play a little guitar, and have some fun. Thanks to my abysmal social life I probably won't see any of my friends for 3-4 months now. Because that's the way it's being working for me for the last couple of years.

I suck, work sucks, and I'm not even supposed to be here today!

This Cruel, Cruel Week

I don't like to bring my personal life into my updates because frankly, you probably don't care all that much. But since I have neither the inspiration or energy to come up with something better tonight, well, you'll just have to endure.

You ever see that movie The Truman Show? I swear I have a show of my own that tons of people must be watching right now. And I do believe this week is the "Try to Break His Will to Go On" sweeps. This week has been god damn dreadful.

I started getting sick on Monday. Sneezing like a bastard and runny/stuffy nose. About the same on Tuesday. Today I developed the cough that I knew would be inevitable. It's horsecrap because even though my illnesses clear up in a few days, my coughs go on for weeks. I don't know what it is. Tonight I just feel fucking drained and I want to go home.

The rest of the week aside from being sick? Monday/Tuesday I had the exercise soreness. Tuesday after work at 11:30pm my truck broke down on the highway. Once again I payed the price for not having a cell phone, but my pride is too strong to crack because of that. I had to endure 45 minutes of awkward conversation with a tow truck driver. What the hell do you talk to a tow truck driver about? My truck had to be kept at the garage for a couple days and the repairs are going to be about $1000. Back in the god damn hole again.

Today I was scheduled to be into work at 1pm. I had no vehicle and my work sure as hell isn't biking distance so I phoned my brother who then drove 40 minutes just to help me out. He picked me up and I spent another hour and a half commuting to work. I get to work and find out that I'm not even needed there anymore. Thanks for letting me know.

I do the same shitty pick-up/commute all the way home and rest for approximately half an hour before borrowing my dad's truck and driving in for my normal shift. Why didn't I just stay at work? It's complicated, but I assure you there is a good reason. You don't want to hear it, I don't want to write it.

I arrive at work and a note tells me that I'm an hour late. Apparently I was supposed to come in early and again nobody fucking told me. Now someone hates me just because I didn't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do. And I spent the rest of the night weakly doing the same old shit at work, suicide making more and more sense with each passing minute.

Before the week is through I expect to have swine flue, have my truck stolen, get fired, and run out of toilet paper. It's bad, but hey, at least I'll be prepared for it.

9-5

Don't get me wrong, usually I have a lot of fun writing these rants. But this week I just haven't been into it, which is dumb because this just happens to be the week when I've had a flood of ideas. See, I've been covering for a 9-5 guy at work this week and by the time I get home, all I want to do is jack off, take a shit, and go to bed. 9-5 is balls, I tell you!

Seriously, I've done the 9-5 thing before and every time it makes me completely understand why people go postal. Here's why.

-I hate going to bed when I'm not ready for bed. I'm not one of those people who can say, "Damn, I have to wake up at 4:30am. I better be in bed by 9 or 10." I go to bed when I'm tired or too god damned shitfaced to retain consciousness. If I force myself to go to bed, I lie awake until I'm actually tired and fall asleep. The voices in my head are seriously entertaining though.

-I hate waking up to repetitive electronic shrieking saying "Fuuuck...god damn it" over and over and over.

-I hate that it takes me 2 hours to commute to work, driving or taking public transit. Fucking horseshit. Either way, it's 2 hours of my life I'm wasting along with hundreds of other morons. Wow, I just had a brilliant idea. Just now. I'm going to donate my entire paycheque each week to any top-notch scientists who are working on teleportation. If they can get me from my house to my work instantly without all the fucking brake lights or subway transfers, they deserve some funding.

-I hate the fact that I'm actually required to shower and change my clothes every day. Are you serious?! What the fuck is this crap?!

-I hate dealing with bitter co-workers. I guess it's not entirely their fault, I mean, they work 9-5 and probably have been doing so much of their lives. I'm friggin' 23 and I hate everything about 9-5. How do these people feel at 55? I guess I can't blame them. But still. I just wish they were as optimistic about everything as I am.

-I hate being the most awesome person in the office. If any co-workers happen to be reading this, honestly, return to your offices. I don't need people constantly asking for a signed photo and I really have no use for the daily office parades you throw for me. Look, I'm really blown away by the fact that you made a golden chariot for me to ride in while a tall, white stallion pulls me down the hallway to my office. But the seat is a little too lumpy and one ass cheek always rides lower than the other and it feels weird. Like I might be curving my spine inappropriately. I mean, I'm flattered, but with my salary I can't afford a chiropractor.

I guess that's about it for now. I can't wait until next week when I don't have to work 9-5 and I can show up to work piss drunk every day. Unless...

Also, the answer to the title is four. Four...
As in "Four...the love of God, man, get yourself a fucking girlfriend already."



UPDATE: Literally less than a minute after posting this I discovered I beat Listman to a topic. I'm so fucking awesome!

Co-workers Who Seem to Think Being at Work is Optional

I don't understand the logic. Maybe it's because we work a fairly low-maintenance job. They think being there for a shift is unnecessary. I got a call from a co-worker tonight saying he got tied up with some stuff and wouldn't be in.

Hello? I believe you accepted a job. Not an "I'll show if it doesn't interfere with my other plans" gig. Another person I work with has left 3 hours early the past two Saturdays to go visit her father in the hospital because visiting hours end at 8pm. Again, hello? I'm sorry your dad is in the hospital but you're supposed to be working a job. You find time to visit him when you're not supposed to be at work. That's fundamentally how a job works. She would routinely leave early in the winter if the weather got bad outside because she had to drive a while to get home. I've got news. I drive an hour to get home from work and I'm always there to the end of my shift.

It's a boring job sometimes, but you're being paid to do it. You base your plans on when you have to work, you don't base when you work on what your plans are. I feel paranoid leaving a half-hour early on the rare occasions that I do it, hoping my boss won't show up 10 minutes after I've left and see I'm not there. A half hour (or less) is different than 3 hours though and everything that needs to be done is done before I leave.

Fuck 'em though. If they get caught and their ass gets canned they brought it on themselves. I'm not picking up any slack for them. It's just the principle that gets to me. Work is work. It's not optional. If work ruins your plans you show up and bitch about it like everyone else. You might be in a bad mood but, hey, at least you can say you're responsible.

Lipstick On the Office Mugs

I'm not a germophobe, but GROOOOSSSSS!!! To begin with, my work's dishwasher isn't exactly top of the line. I routinely grab a mug from the cupboard to get a nice, hearty sip of H2O and have often looked inside to see a bunch of crap coating the inside. You know when you finish a mug of hot chocolate and there's like a brown, foamy, coating that's left behind inside the mug? I've often found "clean" mugs in the cupboard with that shit in them, only dried.

So finding a clean mug can be a challenge sometimes. And then there are the times I go to the cupboard, grab a mug, and look inside to see that it is nice and (actually) clean. But there's a big, fat lipstick print on the rim!!!

In a worst-case scenario, like only one mug left in the whole cupboard, I'll tough it out and drink from the side of the mug directly across from the handle. It still kind of gives you the heebie-jeebies though.

To me it's like kissing one of your co-workers with a blindfold on and never knowing which one you kissed. No disrespect to my coworkers, but let's be honest. There are some that I really wouldn't want to kiss. On the other hand there are a few who, if they gave me a peck, I might ask for a little dessert.

But it's really a game of Russian Roulette and in my case I'd say about 6 chambers have bullets in them and 2 are empty. I just can't take the chance. A few of my co-workers are seriously good looking and others are kind of office-hot, but let's just say I'd like to leave the majority to my father.

The lipstick on the office mugs is frankly just a downer. Sort of one of those "If I were eating something right now, my appetite would be history." things. However, I couldn't find ANY mugs tonight so I walked around the office sipping water from a wine glass, swishing it around like I was bursting with sophistication. If I was wearing a tuxedo at the time I probably would have been inspired to quit my job and become a lounge singer.

And if you're wondering why my work is stocked with wine glasses but no mugs, well, we're just loaded all the fucking time.