Raisins

Look at them. Just look at them. They look like little pieces of crap. Encounters with raisins ruin my day 100% of the time.

There was a time when I liked to eat raisins. I was two years old and my brain was not developed enough to understand that most foods are a more enjoyable alternative. I had not yet learned that if I should be presented with a small plate of raisins and a small plate of dandruff I should always choose the dandruff. Dandruff isn't food but it's edible. And even if you had to eat a teaspoon of dandruff it probably wouldn't be that bad. Better than raisins.

It's not even like raisins are a "gag-gross" food. I'll eat a raisin. Hell, I might even eat two raisins. They're not going to make me feel like vomiting. They're just unpleasant to eat. They're these small, chewy annoyances that bring tasty food's street cred down.

I can't tell you the number of times I've bit into a cookie or a muffin only to discover it was raisin, not chocolate chip like I had hoped. I just get a feeling of let-down.

It's kind of like when you're waiting around expecting a phone call from a friend. Maybe you have plans to meet somewhere and they're going to call you when they're ready to meet. "Awesome," you're thinking. "I haven't seen my friend in a long time now. It'll be great to catch up. Oh boy! I can't wait for their call!"

The phone rings. "Oh boy! Oh boy! My friend is calling! This is so very exciting! Time to meet my friend and have a grand old time!"

You pick up the phone and try to sound as cool as you can. You can't have your friend know that you've written off all your plans for the day in case they happened to call. Unacceptable. You have to make them think that you totally forgot they were going to give you a ring today, you've just been so caught up with all your other friends (who are nowhere near as awesome and cool as you are) and your Popular Guy of the Month competitions (which you always win, brah!).

"Hello?"
"Hi, sonny boy!"
"AAAAARRRRGH! God damn it! Mom!"
"Oh...that's nice."
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I've just been waiting for another call."

It's like that whenever I get a raisin cookie. Yeah, we're back on raisins now. Chocolate chip is the friend I wanted to meet. Raisins are my mom. Even though they resemble my dad much more closely. I get the raisin cookie and it's like "AAAAARRGH......no, it's not really you, I just-, I was kind of hoping for someone else."

I feel kind of bad because raisins have never done anything malicious to me. I just don't like eating them. They're unpleasant. However, the Sun Maid is totally hot and I would enjoy sex with her. Bow chicka bow wow.



Author's note: If anyone is sore with me because I skipped the last two Fridays, fuck you. My blog, my rules, bitch!