People Who Buy Car Washes When They Don't Need Them

If you know me well enough to know about the condition I keep my vehicle in, it shouldn't surprise you if I said that I don't buy car washes very often. My truck is really just my own mobile survival unit. If the world erupted in nuclear warfare tomorrow, I could dash to my truck in my boxers and probably be able to survive a good two months at least. At any given time there is enough crap flying around in there that I'd be able to eat, drink, sleep and entertain myself until radiation levels dropped and society rebuilt itself. And of course my vehicle is encrusted in so much filth I'd be completely guarded from deformation and all that crap. But I digress.

The point being, I wash my vehicle almost never. So when I do decide to pull into the wash line, I know it truly needs it. I'm usually prompted by the gentle advice of a passerby who has drawn "Dirty Fucking Hippie--Are you joking me?!" into my tailgate while I was in the mall. I don't bother wiping it out as I'm always most grateful for a second opinion.

Now, I've come to learn that car wash lines are probably some of the slowest lines you'll ever wait in. I often see patrons who park their cars in line and run off to do a bit of light shopping. Nobody ever seems to have a problem with this so I know that when I pull up in line behind an empty car, I'm probably going to be waiting a while.

So you can see that when I'm waiting in a car-wash line that processes roughly 6 cars annually and I see some moron whose car is nearly spotless I feel just slightly pissed the fuck off.

There is nothing more arrogant than holding up people who actually need washes just because you can't see your smug reflection in your hood as well as you could before. These are the people that use their vehicles primarily as a status symbol. The people that buy sports cars to fill the void in their empty lives. The people that are so insecure about themselves that they feel the need to try and express themselves through their car. Lord knows a smudge on the door could mean the difference between "gettin' da pussay" and "not gettin' da pussay."

But what can I do besides curse these people to myself? They're already paid for and in line and complaining to them in person would be less productive than their impending "wash". So I watch these most intelligent individuals run through the car wash and WHAT THE FUCK?! The car looks almost the same as it did going in! Christ, I totally didn't see that coming!

Congratulations, asshole, you just spent ten dollars to confirm to everyone around you that you're completely full of yourself.