Insane Soup Can Woman

Today I was watching all of my Tivoed Jay Jay the Jet Plane episodes when it occurred to me, "I'm getting sick of eating toast corners and Kahlua for breakfast every morning. I should go buy some food."

And with that, I was off to the grocery store. What a marvelous trip it was too. The crackhead that always harasses me outside the main entrance was sleeping up against the side of the pop machine which put me into a pretty good mood. I decided I only needed a few things so I just took a basket into the store. I bought all my stuff including the new package of toilet paper that had managed to slip my mind the previous three weeks.

At this point I stroll up to the checkout counter with my basket of crap. There are only two lines open. The express line and one other counter. Having well over 12 items and not wanting to be a dick to other shoppers, I take my place in the non-express line behind a cart with no shopper attached. There is a couple up ahead getting their crap checked out so I figure the cart is theirs.

Suddenly this woman who is probably in her mid to late 60s jumps in front of me, puts a divider on the conveyor belt, and starts unloading the cart. OK, the cart is hers and she was grabbing a last minute item. No biggie.

So she's busy unloading her cart and I'm busy looking around the store glaring at people for no reason. It's a hobby of mine. At one point my eyes come back to her cart and I notice she's done unloading the top section of her cart. There is still a bottom section which I didn't notice before. And it's FILLED WITH FUCKING SOUP CANS!

Look at the picture above and try to imagine about 7 or 8 times the number of cans. This insane woman is evidently preparing for meltdown. I'm standing here with my little basket of crap and she is unloading the soup aisle onto the counter. Just bloody perfect.

And as if I wasn't tested enough, she, the cashier, and the bagger guy start blabbing about the FUCKING OSCARS! Why me?

Watching this woman going back and forth over and over and over for cans of soup, I don't know whether or not I should stand there and do my best to look annoyed (because that's how hardcore I am in these situations) or thank her for a laugh. Because it got to the point where it was just ridiculous and I was trying not to laugh and look like I was high on marijuana cigarettes. I wasn't. It was mushrooms and I hate when people confuse the two.

But she got through the checkout by about 3:30 and then I got to pay for my basket of crap and wouldn't you know it, bagger guy starts chatting about how cold it is. I swear I'm not making this up.

Out in the parking lot I saw Insane Soup Can Woman loading her bags of soup cans into the back of her pickup truck. So just as a little practical joke I waited until she was about to drive off and then I opened up her tailgate. When she hit the gas all the cans rolled out the back and all over the parking lot. Some old dude slipped on one and spilled his coffee all over a dog and I just drove away laughing my fucking ass off.