Fat People Exiting Large Vehicles

Why do fat people continue to buy vehicles that they have such a hard time getting into and out of? I can tell just by their actions that they're putting themslves under a lot of unnecessary stress. It actually is qute amusing to watch.

The door of their van flies open and a big cankle shoots out. After several seconds (apparently spent slowly shifting themselves in their seat) a second cankle appears along with a sagging belly and a chunky arm embracing several Wendy's bags and a bucket of KFC.

Then the comedy begins as this person's toes point downward trying to touch the ground and they do that "belly-out" slide down the side of the seat. It just looks like a huge mass of flab spilling out of the vehicle. And the best is when they get their foot caught on the running board and fall out face first, spilling chicken all over the pavement.

Really, why buy a vehicle that's a hassle even while parked? Do fat people think the daily struggle of getting into and out of their vehicles counts as exercise? Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if did, given the amount of perspiration these people wring out of their shirts afterward.

Have you considered a Honda Civic, fatties? Not trying to be mean, just asking.

Cutesy Flavours

Don't you hate it when you just want some ice cream and the girl at the counter asks what flavour you'd like and you're suddenly caught in that awkward but critical moment when you have to decide whether you should sheepishly mutter "Very Berry Strawberry" or just point and say "...that one."? I sure do. Almost as much as I hate opening sentences that seemingly never end.

I spent roughly 10 seconds thinking of stores that offer cutesy flavours and I came up with 2 (though I'm sure there are many more): Baskin-Robbins and Kernels. I don't understand why they have to embarrass people just for some cheap creativity. Honestly, can we cut the crap? I don't want Sting Me or Bahama Mama or Super Kid. Just gimme a fucking bag of popcorn!

It sucks, because usually the only people working at these places are cute girls and there's no way to say you want a Rock 'N Pop Swirl cone and still seem like maybe you're cool. Given, Rock 'N Pop Swirl sounds mighty suggestive and it just might work in different circumstances. In the ice cream parlour, though, it just sounds a little creepy.

But you know, for comedy's sake, a small part of me wants them to come up with an outrageously long flavour that would just piss everyone off. Even the "Okey-Dokey" dads who seem to be totally comfortable reciting these dumbass flavours.
"Try our new Rava-Flava Totally Tastetasic Toffee Nut Syrup and Poppin' Peanut/Pecan Vanilla and Chocolate Devilish Double-Up Swirlclone in your choice of Reggie Cone, Waffle Cone, Sugar Cone, Sprinkle Cone, or Deep-Fried Bacon-Wrapped Cone!"

Guaranteed, most people wouldn't even bother with that shit. They'd order a small vanilla cone, get the fuck out of there, and thenceforth visit Granddad's Olde-Tyme Creamatorium, a shack on wheels, where, although Granddad is a registered sex offender and routinely gets 'Nam flashbacks, he's still a lot more mentally stable than those fucks at Baskin-Robbins.

People Who Sit in "Drive-Thru Alley"

You're probably asking yourself what the title means. Well, not to worry, I'm here to explain of course.

The "drive-thru alley" sitter is the person in the restaurant who sits at the table or booth right next to the window facing the drive-thru line. So when you're waiting in your car in the line you're like 5 feet away from this person and you can see their table and everything on it. If there wasn't a plate of glass separating you from this person they'd pretty much be able to feed you as you sit waiting to order.

These people make me nervous because I always end up looking in at their table and for a few moments we share that nervous eye contact. You know what I mean. You're looking at someone and they catch you looking at them so you quickly look away. But then you think, "Are they still looking at me?" So you look back and they are. And then they get nervous and do the same thing. You don't want them to think you're staring at them, you just want to know if they're staring at you! It's another of those awkward human moments.

So there's that. But I also feel like I'm invading their privacy even though they're the ones that chose to sit right by the window. I pull up in the line and end up next to them and I feel like I'm non-verbally saying to them, "Hey, folks! Don't mind if I just scoot in here and watch you eat, do you? Just checking in to see how everything's going at your table." I feel like an uninvited guest who doesn't even want to be an uninvited guest. I just kind of wandered into the trap.

The worst is when there's more than one person at the table. I imagine them talking about me. "Don't look now but there's a weird fucking guy with long hair peering over your shoulder in the drive-thru line. He keeps looking at me nervously. What's his problem? He's probably on drugs or something. I think I'm really creeping him out somehow. This is fun, let's always sit here!"

At this point I've become so fixated on the people just inside the window that I haven't noticed that the line has long since moved up and the guy behind me is now blaring his horn and hollering at me from his window. His honking is justified but I think calling me a "fucking prick" was a bit much. It's weird, but for me, holding the drive-thru line up is much less awkward than staring at the "drive-thru alley" sitters...